People will respect you as much as you respect yourself in relationships

[Ripples]

I think respect is also given to one if one treats others with respect.

 

I find that I have no respect for one person in particular, simply because she treats many others with little regard. As a result I find myself disregarding anything she says even though occassionally it may be useful.

[LaughMachine]

one truly cannot "rise" above a bad childhood....you can learn to live with it and accept it only. Either way, your childhood will greatly affect your adulthood.

 

 

one? how can you speak for other people

[LaughMachine]

I think respect is also given to one if one treats others with respect.

 

I find that I have no respect for one person in particular, simply because she treats many others with little regard. As a result I find myself disregarding anything she says even though occassionally it may be useful.

 

Exactly, people who perform acts with little respect for others...I don't even give a second glance to how their opinion matters. Just the way it is( for me)

[saintfrancis]

Woggle, I think you are right on. I would have saved myself probably years wasted on someone who was totally unworthy of my time, had I had more self-respect in the R. Thank God I do not have to suffer in that R anymore.

[bluetuesday]

That is very nice and idealistic WOGGLE but you're forgetting about the following items:

• few people have perfect up-bringings and childhoods, this is a big part of what type of adult you become
  
• you're assuming that logic trumps emotions, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't
  
• many people have many problems ranging from medical to financial to emotional to whatever
  
• if everyone was perfect and had good self-esteem then the world would be quite a boring place
  
• the "human condition" basically says that humans are meant to suffer to some extent because of our imperfectness

 

i like you alpha and most times i agree with you.

 

but you are dead wrong on every one of these points, and woggle is bang on in his response to you that it is very possible for anyone to rise above their past, however horrible that past was.

 

all you are showing here is that you think a person can't do anything to change their life experience. it's bullsh*t, but it probably is what you've experienced because you believe it and therefore it has been true in your life. but that's not the way it is for everyone. there is another way, and i'm delighted woggle has found it. whatever you believe IS what you will experience in your life. woggle has seen through the illusion that we can't change our stars and is making huge strides in his life. IMO he is to be wholeheartedly respected and admired for doing what so many people fail to do.

[RecordProducer]

but you are dead wrong on every one of these points, and woggle is bang on in his response to you that it is very possible for anyone to rise above their past, however horrible that past was.

 

all you are showing here is that you think a person can't do anything to change their life experience. it's bullsh*t, but it probably is what you've experienced because you believe it and therefore it has been true in your life. but that's not the way it is for everyone. there is another way, and i'm delighted woggle has found it. whatever you believe IS what you will experience in your life. woggle has seen through the illusion that we can't change our stars and is making huge strides in his life. IMO he is to be wholeheartedly respected and admired for doing what so many people fail to do.

You can't run away from yourself, BT. Your post from the other day (with the paper and the film) was about being who you are and not letting others define you, because there is something written in your personality that's YOU and whatever others think of you, you are still you (you're not their opinion).

 

But here you're talking about changing traits that are already shaped and cooled in our psyches and minds. Every punch you received from life made you stronger or weaker or courageous or scared... depending on the root that's inside us (the basis). We can fake self-confidence, we can improve our personalities (hell, self-confidence can go up with a boob job for some people!), but we can't make ourselves genuinely perfectly self-confident just because we want to be.

 

I have a feeling that this is personal to you and that you're in some general denial of your inner self. Sometimes accepting your faults and pain with less seriousness can give you more peace of mind than striving to achieve the same peace at any cost and knock down the whole self-image you've had for years.

 

Don't fly with the birds if you don't have wings and don't swim with the fish if you can't breathe under the water; attempting to be something you're not is the first step to neurosis and frustration. All the things that have happened to us in the past are a part of us - we are not tabula rasa. Definitely not at age 20, 30, 40...

[justagirlforever]

If someone sees that you demand respect

Respect that is "demanded" is usually not received (almost never). Respect is earnt - never given. This applies across all aspects of life & relationships.

 

It's simple, really.

 

If you don't respect yourself, no one else will. If you don't love yourself, you will not understand how to love others. If you do not have healthy personal boundaries then you will not understand love or respect.

 

Learn them all and you'll find happiness.

 

I couldn't have said it any better.

[lindya]

That is very nice and idealistic WOGGLE but you're forgetting about the following items:

• few people have perfect up-bringings and childhoods, this is a big part of what type of adult you become
  
• you're assuming that logic trumps emotions, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't
  
• many people have many problems ranging from medical to financial to emotional to whatever
  
• if everyone was perfect and had good self-esteem then the world would be quite a boring place
  
• the "human condition" basically says that humans are meant to suffer to some extent because of our imperfectness

 

 

I find myself compelled to agree with this.

 

I don't think the respect I have for others necessarily correlates with the extent they seem to respect themselves. Some people I respect for their artistic and/or intellectual abilities. They might be completely insecure, screwed up people, but if they can make the world a more beautiful, stimulating and exciting place by their contribution to it, then that's worthy of respect. Others I might respect for their courage in being brutally honest with themselves in a way that some might interpreted as indicating that they have "self esteem issues".

 

Or what about the person whose capacity for love is such that they'll put their own pride to one side in an effort to salvage a relationship with someone they care about? Why wouldn't that constitute bravery worthy of respect, rather than something that indicates low self esteem, "co-dependency" or whatever other jargon we use to make mundane case studies of people who dare to expose their imperfections and weaknesses?

[Rooster_DAR]

Sorry to hijack, but how can someone learn more self-respect? I have let my last relationship really get to me and it has knocked down my self-esteem. I don't know how to get that back.

 

I can help you here, here's what I did.

 

After almost completely losing my dignity and self esteem, I decided I was not going to let this consume me. I went a bought a few books to help me gain an understanding of the trauma I was experiencing, and why it happened. I accepted that it happened, and gave myself time to grieve and come up with a "get over it" plan. I started looking at myself in the mirror several times a day and complimenting myself. The biggest part that helped me is to force myself to be alone, and get to know the person I really am. I wound up spending the holidays completely alone, with me, myself and I.

 

This was extremely hard at first, but it starts getting easier the more you practice it. Went out everywhere by myself, (Gym, bar, restaurants, Las Vegas), this was the most profound part of my recovery to gain my self esteem and worth back. I started becoming my own best friend, and realized I didn't need anyone to validate who I am. I accepted myself for everything I am, including my flaws. Now, I actually enjoy being by myself, I know me better than I ever have and because of that my self esteem has sky rocketed. I get hit on constantly by women, and my late girlfriend is, well not to be conceited, is all over me.

 

TAKE A LONG TIMEOUT AND BE ALONE FOR A GOOD AMOUNT OF TIME.

 

Cheers!

[bluetuesday]

You can't run away from yourself, BT. Your post from the other day (with the paper and the film) was about being who you are and not letting others define you, because there is something written in your personality that's YOU and whatever others think of you, you are still you (you're not their opinion).

 

But here you're talking about changing traits that are already shaped and cooled in our psyches and minds. Every punch you received from life made you stronger or weaker or courageous or scared... depending on the root that's inside us (the basis). We can fake self-confidence, we can improve our personalities (hell, self-confidence can go up with a boob job for some people!), but we can't make ourselves genuinely perfectly self-confident just because we want to be.

 

I have a feeling that this is personal to you and that you're in some general denial of your inner self. Sometimes accepting your faults and pain with less seriousness can give you more peace of mind than striving to achieve the same peace at any cost and knock down the whole self-image you've had for years.

 

Don't fly with the birds if you don't have wings and don't swim with the fish if you can't breathe under the water; attempting to be something you're not is the first step to neurosis and frustration. All the things that have happened to us in the past are a part of us - we are not tabula rasa. Definitely not at age 20, 30, 40...

 

 

sorry RP, i only just saw this because i don't subscribe to threads i've posted in.

 

what i said about the paper and the film is exactly what i said here - that anything can be overcome. it is you who believe things are already 'shaped and cooled', not me. i fully believe that we can transcend our upbringings, our experiences, the knocks we have taken, whatever. and whenever i post in a thread like this, i say the same thing.

 

i say very definitely that we CAN make ourselves genuinely self-confident because we want to be. it takes a decision and a continued act of will, that is all. the decision is not 'i will be self-confident' because plainly that will not work. however, the decision is 'i refuse to believe things are real when they are illusory.'

 

whatever has been done to a person can ONLY affect them as long as they choose to let it, in other words, the objective reality of it is an illusion. we all have patterns to overcome, but it's eminently possible to overcome them. since everything we perceive is subjective, that should tell you that nothing objectively exists. therefore no harm done to us objectively exists, it exists only as long as we believe it does.

 

i'm not suggesting people should be attempting to be things they're not. i'm suggesting they try being something they ARE - a person who is hiding beneath the illusion of being trapped by hurt caused to them by other people.

[justagirliegirl]

I can help you here, here's what I did.

 

I went a bought a few books to help me gain an understanding of the trauma I was experiencing, and why it happened.

Cheers!

 

Just curious what books helped you?

[Trialbyfire]

As a generalization, I agree with the synopsis of having self-respect helps you gain respect. Sometimes though, there are people who don't give respect to anyone and tend to vampire self-respect/esteem from others.

[RecordProducer]

sorry RP, i only just saw this because i don't subscribe to threads i've posted in.

 

what i said about the paper and the film is exactly what i said here - that anything can be overcome. it is you who believe things are already 'shaped and cooled', not me. i fully believe that we can transcend our upbringings, our experiences, the knocks we have taken, whatever. and whenever i post in a thread like this, i say the same thing.

 

i say very definitely that we CAN make ourselves genuinely self-confident because we want to be. it takes a decision and a continued act of will, that is all. the decision is not 'i will be self-confident' because plainly that will not work. however, the decision is 'i refuse to believe things are real when they are illusory.'

 

whatever has been done to a person can ONLY affect them as long as they choose to let it, in other words, the objective reality of it is an illusion. we all have patterns to overcome, but it's eminently possible to overcome them. since everything we perceive is subjective, that should tell you that nothing objectively exists. therefore no harm done to us objectively exists, it exists only as long as we believe it does.

 

i'm not suggesting people should be attempting to be things they're not. i'm suggesting they try being something they ARE - a person who is hiding beneath the illusion of being trapped by hurt caused to them by other people.

It's definitely an interesting approach. I just have a little doubt about its complete success in overcoming past emotional traumas. I think the consequences of traumatic experiences fluctuate and depend on the quality of our lives. E.g if you are happily in love, you may feel secure and cured from your past, but when you're down, it all hits you again. Time heals pain, too. But what has turned out to be the best method for me is just having a happy, new life. Then I forget about the bad things from the past. They simply don't hurt me anymore.

[the_alchemyst]

People will respect you as much as you respect yourself in relationships

 

I don't think it's as easy as this.

 

You have less chance to get hurt if you don't let people hurt you and if you remove yourself from hurtful situations either before or after they happen.

 

But I disagree that people actually WILL respect you more if you respect yourself. Those who are disrespectful, who cheat, who treat others badly will only be deprived from the chance to do it to YOU if you respect yourself. Or they will find other, less obvious ways, to mistreat you. But they will never treat anyone with respect, because THEY are the ones who don't have self-respect and hence the lack of respect and love for others.

 

This seems more accurate, imo.

 

That is very nice and idealistic WOGGLE but you're forgetting about the following items:

• few people have perfect up-bringings and childhoods, this is a big part of what type of adult you become
  
• you're assuming that logic trumps emotions, sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't
  
• many people have many problems ranging from medical to financial to emotional to whatever
  
• if everyone was perfect and had good self-esteem then the world would be quite a boring place
  
• the "human condition" basically says that humans are meant to suffer to some extent because of our imperfectness

 

And this too. I think Alpha is quite right, in this case.