13 yr old concerns

[concerned in tn]

first let me start with some background...i am not a parent. i am 20 yrs old and had one miscarriage when i was younger. so u might ask why are u posting on a parenting board.because i have assisted raising my 13 yr old neice since she was born. when she was born i was there with my sister(the one person in the world i could always turn to) she looked just like me. everyone has always thought my sister was my mother and my neice was my sister...untill i was about 15 and they then started thinkin she was mine because we have always spent so much time together. a

 

s she has grown up she has favored me more than her mother or uninvolved father. my sister raised me most of my life because my mother was not ready for another child when i came along(i am the baby of 3 gurls). my neice has always acted just like me so much that it is weird at times...she took nothing except her height after her mother...

now she is 13 and the scariest moment that i have known was inevitable has come to pass. i got a phone call last night around 10pm from my sister saying that my neice was rumored to be sexually active.

 

my neice has always confided in me rather than her mother so i was shocked to say the least. i lost my virginity at 15 to a much older man and this cycle continued untill i was 18...my neice has watched me make several mistakes in myu life and pull thru them with what appeared to be minor scrapes in life. i have always been honest with her and let her know the consequences for my choices hoping that she qwould not make the same mistakes. one of her friends' parents found emails from her daughter's bf discussing his need for her to lose her virginity and comparing her to my neice.

 

my sister TRIED to be protective of me and i merely rebelled and defied everything she said/done. she swore she would not got hru the same thing with my neice--as i did as well. but now i am faced with a mirror image of my teenage years and have no idea what to do. i can not even muster what to say to confront her with this subject.

 

i have had the sex talk with her and let her know she could come to me no matter when/where/time with anything. i am afraid that if i am confrontatioinal with her(which is what i want) ahe will shut down. also-my neice is not allowed to have a bf...however i have suspected she has been "dating" this boy for about 4-5 months. i told my sister when i met him as 'her friend' that i did not trust him...and that he would end up being trouble.

 

i have been dacing off and on for two years now...my neice knows this and also has seen the bs i have had to endure to keep food on my table. i had no idea that she would ever consider this occupation as she has always wanted to be a marine-biologist. i found out also last night that she has ambitions to become a stripper when she grows up. i do not want to think about that possibility...i mean it is better than selling drugs or prostitution but she has so many more opportunities than i did.

 

i DID graduate high school and i have been thru 2 yrs of college...i changed my career plans last semester. i have made so many mistakes and bad choices in life...i honestly do not think i can handdle seeing her go thru the same things...

any advise will be appreciated...i am supposed to pick her up after school this afternoon and i plan to talk to her...but how do i start.

[luvtoto]

Sorry to hear of your struggles. Thirteen is too young to be having sex. No doubt about it. A parent can be left in the dark as to what to do about it.

 

I would say get her in counseling/therapy. But, there is a big difference in what kind of therapy.

 

Seek Psychological therapy if the child suffers from depression or a mental disorder.

 

Behavioral therapy if the child is showing unwanted behaviors.

 

It is important to know the difference. Very important~~

 

My daughter just started going to a behavioral therapist. We wasted three years of her life going to the wrong kind of therapist.

 

Now that she has the right/appropriate help...her behavior has improved. It's a slow process, but we are getting there.

 

As long as she has someone like you in her life to help her through it, she will be alright.

 

Also, it might be a good idea to invest in a common sense parenting class. I am taking one right now. There are tons of educational DVD's out there just for this sort of thing.