Over a month later and no improvement

[spinback]

Hi,

 

Here's a link to my previous post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110308/.

 

I've been trying to stick to NC for the last 40 days, and have managed it with a very small number of exceptions. I realise that every time we speak, I just feel worse. But -- nearly two weeks ago, when I thought I was making some headway, she text me. Foolishly I replied the next day, and never heard back from her.

 

Since then, things have gone down hill for me. 50% of my day is consumed with thinking about her, I'm having nearly completely sleepless nights, and have recently had to turn to alcohol to get me to sleep. I'm missing the majority of my university lectures because of this lack of sleep. This is not where I thought I'd be after 40 days of being single.

 

I keep thinking back on how happy we once were, despite everything she did to hurt me -- it just pales into insignificance when I think about the good times we had. Am I insane here? How long does it take to get past this? Every second of the day, no matter what I'm doing, she's always there subconsciously tapping away at the back of my mind. I never believed we could both go so long without talking.

 

I've been avoiding going on the rebound but I'm wondering whether it's the only thing that would help now.

[ratingsguy]

I've been trying to stick to NC for the last 40 days, and have managed it with a very small number of exceptions. I realise that every time we speak, I just feel worse.

 

If you continue to bang your head against the wall... it will hurt!

 

There should be NO exceptions. If she contacts you, ignore it. It's tough, brother, I understand... but for your own mental well-being, you have to be strong enough to do it. I'm there with you... on day 6 of NC, and I know exactly what you're going through. The temptation is there sometimes to get in touch with her, but I just redirect my thoughts elsewhere.

 

It's funny, but going through something like this, I actually sleep better than I normally do. I guess I'm just so emotionally drained that my body needs rest. But try and lay off the alcohol... that will not make your problem better... unless you're out with your buddies trying to meet girls... that's a different story.

 

Good luck to you!

[Johnny B]

My friend - We've all been there. I'm there RIGHT now.

 

There is no formula or fixed amount of time it takes to heal... it just gets better in time.

 

Understand that this is just one facet of your life and you have dozens more that deserve your attention. At the end of the day, you're always left with yourself and you have to find/create/discover ways to make yourself happy.

 

You are the Captain of your ship, you are the Commander of your soul.

 

Only you must generate the inner strength to go forward... Have you ever seen Castaway? Remember what that dude had to deal with when he came back? He said, you just have to keep on breathing, b/c tomorrow, the sun will rise.

 

I know its just a movie but the line is poinent. I dont know if this helped.... where's Caliguy? He's money.

 

Johnny

[bubbalump]

Not much i can add, except you gotta keep your head up and keep going. Also ill tell ya , im there with ya , im going on about 3 months of no contact and im doing so much better than i was doing at the get go. It helps to know im not alone , and theres other people going through this.

 

Ill be honest,i think of her everyday still, but she isnt the first thought on my mind in the morning anymore.

 

I lost a friend and a lover , but she also hurt me deep. And everytime i miss her smile, i remind myself how she hurt me ... and it helps .

 

Lately ive noticed myself becoming indifferent about her, and i think pretty soon ill be able to say " im over her ! "

 

Reading your first post, you said you couldnt trust her...everytime you miss her, force yourself to think about how she hurt you, and how you are doing the right thing for YOU.

 

Goodluck man.

[confucious]

Bubbalump has it right Spinback.

 

Every time you begin to reminisce on all the wonderful times you had with her, call to mind her deception. Remember how she chatted online with another guy and hid it from you. Call to mind how she actually went and met him, and hid it from you. Call to mind all the things you tried to look past.

NOw - ask yourself

1. Is this the woman you thought she was??
   
2. If you had known she was capable of being cold, manipulative, and deceptive (Cold and manipulative are part and parcel, I believe, in lying to someone you profess to love) would you have dated/loved her??
   
3. Do/would you want a lover who lies so blatantly to you?? Would you wanta best friend who lies to you?? Essentially - do you want to hold someone that close to you who obviously DOESN'T have your best interest at heart...indeed, who betrays and fools you??

I imagine your answers are all no - so...what do you miss?? She is not who you thought she was. You had wonderful times with her, yes, but you could NEVER have had a life with her (I am assuming here you are honorable and want a real connection and healthy, stable relationship) as you could never have trusted her.

 

You don't need her, you proved that by leaving her...you proved that your pride, your self-respect, are BOTH important to you and that you are not going to let her take them away. She showed herself unworthy of your friendship and now you are free to find someone, given time, who IS worthy.

 

Don't look at what you lost, because you didn't lose anything...you gained. You gained experience. You gained insight into yourself. You gained self-respect (though it may not feel like it now) and a certain empowerment...a knowledge you have control over your life, your relationships. For now, think of WHY you left, WHY you couldn't be with her and not the good times you, of course, had. It is over - you can't change that - but it is over for a reason...let go of the good times, remember the bad, and carry on.

 

The wonderful times will not go away, they'll always be there to revisit. For now they are unimportant.

 

Hope I was not harsh - just trying to convey she is not worth the worry. Good luck!

[Double D]

Hi Spinback!

 

Im also on NC for abot a month as well and unfortunatley she is the first thing I think about in the morning and its tough.

 

As Johhny B said that quote from Castaway is something that is also helping me get through it.

 

Take 1 day at a time because the sun will rise and tomorrow is another day.

 

We are all in this together! Keep strong and please as Johnny B said again you have other aspects in your life.Your at uni, dont let this person ruin the future your working for.

 

Keep going!

[spinback]

Thank-you for all the replies, it's comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this.

 

I think the thing I miss the most is the sense of companionship, and the affection is a close second. She was the one person in my life who I could tell absolutely everything, and the one person who knew everything about me. Perhaps that's all I miss, I don't know... I'd never had that in my life before. But -- I knew I could never spend my life with her and, as you suggest, I keep trying to remind myself of all the reasons why that was the case. This is what I spend most nights doing and is the reason my degree is currently heading towards the toilet.

 

I know I've done the right thing in the (very) long run and I do feel a slight sense of relief knowing that she can't do anything else to hurt me. It's certainly interesting to think that absolutely none of the people I know offered their condolences, but instead congratulated me for ending it. It doesn't help the pain though, I'm still a psychological mess.

 

I certainly won't be contacting her again -- at least until I'm sure I have absolutely no feels for her, if then. The few times we've spoken, it's been her who has initiated contact, but I will never understand why she text me and never responded to my reply. I think that's what set me such a huge step backwards. I will have to watch Castaway!

[thatmatt]

spinback, i too am in a similar situation. I know exactly what you mean by thinking first thing in the morning, thinking all day, I've had plenty of days ruined and sleepless nights thinking about my ex. And I totally understand about the lost of companionship, there's a major gap in your life, because before your focus was on her and the relationship, and now that's not there at all, because of NC, theres a huge gap.

 

My advice, as I am doing the same and it seems to help some, is to define things to be excited about in your future. You're in college. Think about the possibilites. Im transfering out of state to New York next year, and I constantly use that as bright light, something to get me excited. Also think about things that you could get into, but also look back and remember some of the things about you that have changed. Things that remind you of simple times, or just happy reminising, not thinking about your ex. Watch some movies you never did get to see, dab into music, art, whatever your thing is. I played baseball in highschool, but haven't played in 2 years. But this summer, Im going to get into coaching a summer team. It's something I miss, and something I'm excited about, and it's a good part of my past and who I am that I can bring back.

 

It may sound selfish, but after a breakup like this, there is so much negative energy floating around because of what happened, but remember that that is energy. You just have to take that negative energy and transform it into positive energy, whether its on your own or by talking to a friend, counsler, etc, and apply it to yourself. I know, it's so strange to focus on yourself when you've grown accustomed to applying that energy to someone else, but I promise it will help. Then, after you "rebuild" yourself, think of it as starting over. And everytime you think about your ex, think about how much you learned about yourself, life, relationships,etc, and how happy you will be once you find the right one!

[oppath]

I'm in this situation too, always thinking about her. One thing helping me is keeping an "optimism journal." Every day, I try to write down 3 things good that happened to me or I am excited about. It can be as simple as hearing one of my favorite songs on the radio and singing along while driving. The point of this exercise is to focus on the positive, exciting things happening in your life.

 

I also try to write down 3 social risks I have taken. This can be as simple as buying a cup of coffee and asking the barista "how is your day?" The point of this exercise is, that while you might not be ready to date yet, you keep in mind that you are a social being and people enjoy speaking to you.

 

I've always detested journals because most journals make you ruminate over and over...kind of like these message boards! Do something tangible to focus on the GOOD THINGS in your life. If you force those good things to the front of your mind, you will have more energy and will think less about the void left by your ex.

[Star Gazer]

There should be NO exceptions. If she contacts you, ignore it. It's tough, brother, I understand... but for your own mental well-being, you have to be strong enough to do it.

 

Agreed!!! NO EXCEPTIONS.

 

However - and that's a BIG "however" - should the occasion arise where she does contact you, please, please, for your own mental health, tell her to leave you alone. Beg her, if necessary. She might still contact you, but it will be less, and less, and when you don't respond to her - which you won't because you will be following our instructions - she'll get the hint.

 

NO EXCEPTIONS. When you want to talk to her, come here. We'll help ya through it.