spinback Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hey all... 3 weeks ago I ended a relationship with a girl I've been seeing for well over two years, and who was the first girlfriend I've ever really had/loved. Things started to go downhill a few months ago (perhaps unsurprsingly) after we both moved away to different universities, but the problem is that I'm having such trouble forgetting about her that I'm seriously concerned I'm going to mess my January exams up and have to start all over again next year. For a while now I've known in the back of my mind that it wouldn't last forever, probably mainly down to the fact that I couldn't really trust her. 9 months into our relationship, I found out she'd been talking to another guy on the net who she liked a lot, and had been meeting up with him behind my back. Whilst I don't believe it went very far, it resulted in my complete inability to trust her and although I did my best, I never really got over it. If it had been a one-off drunken mistake with someone she didn't care about, maybe... but sadly it wasn't, and my natural insecurities just made it worse. There were other spanners in the works too; our families were completely incompatible, I leant her a lot of money which she never paid back, she'd begun to get angry at me for no real reason... things just added up. BUT... I think the reason I'm having such trouble forgetting about her is that I'm having doubts about what it was that pushed me over the edge. Not long ago, one of her friends had shown me some fairly suspicious looking pictures of her with another guy on the dancefloor of a club, but in the end I put it down to innocent flirting. A month later her friend called me telling me my girlfriend had been cheating on me with him for a good while. When I mentioned this to my girlfriend and asked for an explanation, she claimed total innocence, said she wasn't going to beg and simply asked if we were over or not. What I can't get out of my head is whether her friend was either wrong, or lying to me. In the end I know it's probaby of no relevance because I highly doubt it'd have ended up in marriage anyway, but it is completely consuming me to the point where I can't think of anything else. The fact that I think she's now seeing the first of the guys she cheated on me with makes it all the more difficult. I think I'm really just looking for some advice about moving on, how long it takes, etc... I've never been through this before and didn't realise how difficult it was. I've never been good at lettings things go, so while I've been going out a lot and doing things to take my mind off her, this is still the pathetically early stage I'm at. Thanks for reading.
polywog Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Your post brought back all those memories of the first awful time I went through a break up, and I feel for you. I know that whole deal of knowing that a relationship probably would not work, but still feeling all those dreadful feelings of longing, etc. Probably does not help for me to say it, but YOU WILL get through it and the pain will be less and less, and reading other people's post here has sure helped me out a lot. Geez, this all sounds so cliche, but I just wanted to send out my best heartfelt vibes your way....
letter-to-elise Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 Hello! I completely understand why you are obsessing about whether she cheated on you or not. Objectively it may be unimportant, but since you did invest time/energy/love in the relationship it's nice to know whether your partner respected you enough to not cheat on you. Either way it will give you peace of mind: If she did, well then good riddance, and if she didn't then at least you know that even though it is over now, you shared something special. Chances are, however, that you will never know. Unless she admits to it, you just cannot know. People talk lots of rubbish and pictures of dancefloor situations can also be misleading (I have a picture of two male co-workers who look like they are kissing on the dance-floor: I was there and they didn't!). So even though it is unsatisfactory you just have to hold on to all the other reasons you had for breaking up with her: Moving apart, bad communication, fits of anger, etc... (her online contact to a guy who she was interested in would have been reason enough for me). Breaking up is tough! I don't ever want to do it again either
Author spinback Posted January 21, 2007 Author Posted January 21, 2007 Thanks for the replies, always found it helps to talk about it and get other people's opinions. I am doing my best to remind myself that it had to end at some point -- if I couldn't trust her I guess it was doomed from the ninth month. It's also the fact that she's been my best friend for so long, and in the last three weeks I've probably spoken to her for a total of 10 minutes... it just feels like an entire dimension of my life has disappeared. I have since realised that any form of contact with her only takes me back a stage, so have decided not to speak to her for at least a while, or however long it takes me to get over her. As you say, I'm sure one day that'll happen. I don't think she'll ever admit to it -- I can only assume she didn't want to look like a bitch, perhaps to preserve any chances of friendship (which I know we'd both like), but I don't know. I think I just expected to be feeling better by now. I'm gradually becoming used to being without her, but ironically her absence has made her an even bigger and more influential part of my life -- the idea that she's already moved on is almost unbearable.
norajane Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 To get over her, to start feeling better, you need to stop all contact with her. Not only do you need to stop all calls, emails, texts, IMs, everything - but you also need to tell her friends and your friends to stop mentioning her and bringing up who she's with and anything to do with your relationship. In order for this to be in the past, you have to put it in the past, so you can stop thinking about it. As long as you have contact with her, each contact will remind you of everything and you can't heal. If you had an allergy to peanuts, would you still eat peanuts regularly and deal with the hives every time? No. So treat her like an allergy, and stay away from all contact. And it would be best to start believing that she wasn't really a good friend. She lied, she flirted, she cheated, she took money from you. Regardless of any talking with she did, she was scamming you from the start. And best of all, find new friends, get involved with new activities. You won't miss her so much if you have other things going on in your life. You're at uni - there are a million other girls there. Don't miss out on your chance to meet one of them, one who won't lie and cheat on you!!
notmakingsense Posted January 21, 2007 Posted January 21, 2007 And it would be best to start believing that she wasn't really a good friend. She lied, she flirted, she cheated, she took money from you. Regardless of any talking with she did, she was scamming you from the start. And best of all, find new friends, get involved with new activities. You won't miss her so much if you have other things going on in your life. You're at uni - there are a million other girls there. Don't miss out on your chance to meet one of them, one who won't lie and cheat on you!! NJ has it right.... usually those of us who have trouble letting go of people who mistreated us have self-esteem challenges. You need to remember that you deserve someone whom you can trust completely, and trying to get back with someone who mistreated you shows that you don't have sufficient boundaries and you don't respect yourself enough. Difficulty letting go also can come from a fear that you won't do better. This is where NJ's advice comes in -- finding new friends, new activities, doing things like working-out and other things to make you feel better will all build your self-esteem and will make you attractive to greater numbers of other women. This, in turn, will build your confidence -- and you'll think back on this first woman and say "what was I thinking?"
Author spinback Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Thanks again for the helpful replies. I think you really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned a lack of self-esteem and confidence; this is very much the case. I've done my best to carry on with normal activities (including working out) to try to get her out of my head, but strangely one of the things that's helped the most so far is coming on here and talking about it -- my friends generally don't like to talk to me about it for fear of upsetting me (which is fair enough), but at the same time they know she really wasn't right for me and that I should have broken it off way back after the first upset. I suppose that comes back to the boundaries you mentioned. I've now completely severed every line of contact I had with her and whilst I still miss her madly, I hope I'll gradually be able to forget now.
Author spinback Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 She text me last night, asking how things were going and saying she missed me. Should I reply? It's exactly a month since we split and it has been pretty much NC since. Just don't want to risk setting myself back a stage.
kimba Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 NO!! don't do it! Texting is sort of too easy, I would see if she calls and if she does be cool, and get off the phone first.If you get back with her , how is she going to treat you this time ? how will it be any different??
notmakingsense Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 She text me last night, asking how things were going and saying she missed me. Should I reply? It's exactly a month since we split and it has been pretty much NC since. Just don't want to risk setting myself back a stage. I know it will be hard, but I wouldn't reply. You really need to cut this woman out of your life -- she is bad news. If you MUST reply, at least wait a day or two so she doesn't get the impression that you are waiting on her. This is important for your self esteem.
Author spinback Posted January 30, 2007 Author Posted January 30, 2007 Well I left it pretty much a day, but knew I had to text eventually. Trouble is that if she doesn't reply now (and I text her about 2 hours ago), I'm just going to regret it. Sigh. There's no chance of us getting back together; I could still never trust her and so although I miss her, common sense does prevail. I can see why people stick so rigorously to NC though.
notmakingsense Posted January 30, 2007 Posted January 30, 2007 Well I left it pretty much a day, but knew I had to text eventually. Trouble is that if she doesn't reply now (and I text her about 2 hours ago), I'm just going to regret it. Sigh. There's no chance of us getting back together; I could still never trust her and so although I miss her, common sense does prevail. I can see why people stick so rigorously to NC though. Yep -- you got it. It took me many times of repeated mistakes to learn this hard lesson.
Author spinback Posted February 1, 2007 Author Posted February 1, 2007 Well, it's nearly been two days and no reply -- and how I wish I'd listened to you. I guess at least I've shown willing to communicate. But I can't understand why she'd text me and not text back afterwards? Why? To find out if I still care?
notmakingsense Posted February 1, 2007 Posted February 1, 2007 Well, it's nearly been two days and no reply -- and how I wish I'd listened to you. I guess at least I've shown willing to communicate. But I can't understand why she'd text me and not text back afterwards? Why? To find out if I still care? She might just be seeing if you are still on the hook. But it doesn't matter. That's the problem with contact when you are still so emotional... with every contact you make, your heart holds out for a reply that shows she will come back. You need to get to the point where you aren't hoping for that. NC is just a technique to get you there quicker.
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