Need Help thought she was the one?? She changed..

[badz2801]

It is very hard to accept that it is over. It is hard to accept that she wont try and fix things and give us a chance after all that we have been thru. I know I need to move on but no one else is right for me.

 

Do you think I am at fault for what has happened? I feel like this is all because of me and not allowing her to go out. I don't think it is reasonable to allow your girl friend to go out and let her get totally trashed with people.

 

I understand your point but it seems entirely selfish. The sheer fact that she started talking about kids and marriage and long term plans, then just up and left is beyond me. She made no effort to fix things and made the break up happen.

 

Do you think this girl is worth taking back if she ever asks me again? She has no problems with sleeping with people and no commitment.

 

I just dont seem to be able to move and and forget about her. What would you suggest I do because the girls at school do not seem to the be the ones I want. I mean am I wrong in saying that she screwed me over? Was I wrong in my actions? The only reason I ask is your reply seems to be in agreement with what she did. I mean I gave up so much to be with her (school at VA Tech and a racing career), took her to cancun and she walks a month later. I think it is totally immature and selfish of her to not try and work things out considering she said we had something that she could not find again. What is the best way to get her back? Just let her do her thing and expect to take it in the ass and accpet her back??? Personally I think it is too late a womens heart holds many secrets and hers holds too many for me. Would she ever tell me she slept with anyone, no probably not. Would she lie to me? Yes she probably would. Would she just up and leave in the future? Yup most likley. So why do I still want he back?

[aquarius]

It takes time to get over someone. You can't expect to feel perfectly happy and to look at other women so soon. Just stop contacting her and get on with your life. You will get over her in time.

 

It doesn't matter who is at fault or who is wrong or right. The simple fact is she is happy being single and is moving on. She's living her life how she wants to live it. That is not selfish or immature. You shouldn't expect someone to love you because you spent money on them. It was your choice to give up your dreams for her. Think twice before you do so again.

 

She isn't the woman for you. You wanted to change her. It's over. There is nothing you can do to get her back. There is nothing to fix, she isn't interested.

[badz2801]

I know that she is not the one and I know who I want to marry does not exist anymore. I wish I had done things different, but to tell you the truth I think this would have happened anywase. This is a pattern and she has done it before with guys and with friends.

 

I know I smothered her but I think that was because I knew she was going to do this. I knew she was not as in to me as I was her.

 

You are right I should not be mad about spending tons of money on her because I made the decision. I thought that we would be together forever. What I have learned is nothing is forever.

 

She was the best part of my life for 11 months and I am happy I got the time with her. Maybe something will happen in the future but I think we are done for good.

 

This kind of crap is why i did not date durring high school. I think that I need to pick better people to go out with. But first I know I need to become strong again to treat another girl right. I know my mistakes and I know Rachels and I wont let this happen again. Yet another reason why just being alone is much better.

 

Ian

[Rusty]

hey Ian, I know you are in a pretty messed up state rite now, coz I have been where you are. My gf left me for her ex, then she said that she needed time and i took up too much of her time...she couldn't be with her friends.

 

True, I also 'think' its reasonable enough not to allow your girl to go out and let her get totally trashed with people, coz in my case, she has tons of guy friends. I get jealous though, coz she is attractive and I know guys would have their eyes on her...

 

But thats not what she thinks...she also told me that she doesn't have to get permission from anyone to do anything or to go out with anybody. Sound familiar?? I saw this book entitled 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' , I'm beginning to think that this is very true, coz I realised that men and women have very different perspective and opinions to every issue...before that, I just thought that all human beings think the same logic...

 

Well, I have also been in a devastated situation before, cant eat...cant sleep properly, sounds familiar again..?? I do know one thing, women can change VERY....VERY....fast, upon the slightest action done....trust me on that.

 

I also tried to bring back all the good old times but it seems like one bad memory is good enough to overide 20 good ones...its this single bad memory that she will cling on if she is bent on leaving you, no matter what you say...

 

So I'm jus trying to tell you, though its hard to get through, time will heal everything! Its the only medicine...

I just have a hunch, try not to contact her that often now, I think she will call you...trust me. Something positive ya?

 

Rusty

[Ally Boo]

Originally posted by badz2801

The sheer fact that she started talking about kids and marriage and long term plans, then just up and left is beyond me. She made no effort to fix things and made the break up happen.

 

This is me..... I JUST did this.

 

We were looking at engagement rings, and the next day, I moved out...and told him it was totally over, not a chance of getting back together, and I had no intention to ever see him again. I can't explain it besides just saying that I've been extremely hurt in relationships, and when I see a good guy who I know would be good FOR me, part of me wants to be with him, but the other part wants to run bc..."what if it's wrong." He didn't want me going out with friends that were guys, and he had every right to feel that way, but I didn't like it. He didn't want me drinking, and if I did anything, HE wanted to monitor it, bc I'm his baby and he doesn't want anything but good things for me.

...I didn't see it that way. I saw it as him not respecting me and thinking that I'm incapable of making an intelligent decision that will effect my life. So, I left him, plain and simple. He needed to realize that my life is MY life, and I will NOT have him try to make up my mind for me! Plain and simple, I just got mad enough to where I had lost all intrest in fixing it. There was nothing to be fixed, he wasn't who I wanted, and that's it, basically "Get the hell away from me and never speak to me again."

 

I dont know if this has brought on any insight, but it has really hit home with me bc it mirrors my situation in many ways.

[badz2801]

Rusty: thanks for your help and encouragement but I dont think anything will fix this. She is just too immature and I am finding more and more that she is not the person I want to be with.

 

It really does suck to be the one who gets the ****ty end of the stick but so far nothing but good has come from our break up.

 

Ally Boo: Please dont take what I am about to say as a person insult, it is just my opinion. It is not directed towards you personally and I am sure you know better than I about your relationship.

 

Based on what you have told me, your decision seems to be out of fear and immaturity. In the frist place you should ahve been up front with him about long term plans and the emotional scars that you still hold. You should have respected him enough not to hurt him and lead him on. He should have trusted you but did you do anything to make him loose that trust? My situation and your situation are similar yet very different. Neither of us know everything there is to the story so I am just stating what I think from what I know. Do you think it is possible that he was trying to save you from getting hurt in the long run? Did you do anything to make him think you would cheat on him if you got drunk? I know my ex did plenty of things that made me wonder. Did you keep secrets from him when you went out knowing what you did with others would hurt him? How do you think it makes your guy feel when you are not willing to party it up with him, or show him that wild side of you? In many cases couples stop doing wild things for one another to keep the spark going. They loose focus of what is really important. To be honest I think that if you really loved him (which I will bet you told him since you were looking for rings together) you would have been willing to tell him how you felt and fix things. What it sounds like is a shut off of communication. You only cared about you and lost focus and your love for him. Considering he was a great guy to you ( again your words) dont you think you should have been able to control your anger and make the effort to fix things. I mean hell relationships are not all flowers and perfect. It takes effort and an ability to compromise. Do you think you may have been immature in the way you delt with this? Did you ever walk up to him in the later part of your relationship and tell him he was the hottest man in the world and the man of your dreams? In my personal experience when I dont see effort coming from the other person I stop trying as well. Again I am not trying to flame you or be an ass I am just being upfront. Perosnally if you really loved him (you should not tell someone you do if you dont) you should have been able to work things out. You should have been able to see thru his mistakes and yours to see what could ahve been. Personally I compromised far more than Rachel ever did in our relationship. I will never do that again to the same degree, in many cases I let her walk all over me. In this case I stopped being controlling and when I did let her go out guess what happened? She walked. So you see I gave her the trust and she did exactly what I thought she would do. Yet another reason why I should not have kidded myself and let things go as far as they did, but you know what I love her I was willing to change to make it work.

 

Ian

[Rusty]

U r right Ian, I totally agree with what you said...from a guys perspective. I guess only guys who believe in serious relationships would give a thumbs up to what you said. Those who are just in for 'fun' and flings would give a s*** what you just written.

 

Relationship is all about comprimise, I told my girl way before we were together, but it seems like I was giving way too much then her, thats why she sometimes walks over me...when you expect her to appreciate what you are doing, she just takes it for granted, cant really blame them coz I guess thats just normal human behavior. Sometimes I just wished for a sincere thank you from her...

 

The easier to obtain something, one wouldn't treasure it, coz he/she finds no 'kick' in it, whereas the harder to get, the more one will treasure it. When you are about to lose something, you will treasure it even more!! This is somewhat true, so sad of human behavior huh..? Sometimes I feel that all these is not fair at all, I would rather go out looking for flings and enjoying then to look for true love, which in this society is very rare...materialism blinds love nowadays...damn...

 

The good guys gets all the bad stuff, n vice versa...guess girls just wana have fun huh..??

 

I guess the other way other then time to get by your pain faster is to find a new target, dont say there isn't, there is...just that you dont want to believe it...(though i haven't found it yet.)

[badz2801]

I know what you mean dude it is just the way things are. People are people and this seems to be as you said normal human behavior. I only hope that one day people will be able to understand their faults and correct them. Do I think it will happen? No but there is always hope.

 

I just signed up for a communication class between different sexes hopefully that will provide me with some insight into how women work.

 

Good luck in finding the one, it is a long hard and painfull road. Hopefully we will find it.

 

Ian

[Ally Boo]

Ian,

 

I admit that what I did was wrong, and yes, probably done out of immaturity and fear. I had never done anything to him to make him feel like he couldn't trust me. If anything, the relationship moved way too fast. I moved in with him right after we started dating, and we started dating bc I had just broken up with my boyfriend of over a year...and I loved that bf more than I've loved before.

 

He was aware of my emotional hurt in the past, but he felt like (and still feels like) it was his job to get me over it. I've had to be stern with him bc if I'm not, he'll get the wrong idea, and I don't want him to think I'm leading him on. Basically, what that relationship boiled down to was this.....

 

I started a relationship with him to "get me over" my ex bf....and it made it worse. I was always left thinking about my ex, and how much I loved him. And I did love him....but I not as much as he loved me and not as much as he wanted me to. I was waiting for my love to grow, but then I realized how wrong it was, and when we were looking at rings, I realized how serious this was, and had to get out. I was making the same mistake I did with my ex husband...being with him bc he was a "good guy" and I was tired of getting hurt.

 

I want to be friend's with Michael, and we are trying, but it's hard bc he loves me so much. Then on the other hand, I want to cut him off totally to eliminate the risk of leading him on or hurting him even more. But he's convinced that we are supposed to get married and have kids. He is also like 15 years older than me, and that age difference did have a lot to do with it too. I didn't want to have kids with a man that much older than me, who I didn't feel like took good enough care of his health.

 

I told him from day one that I couldn't give him my heart, bc it wasn't mine to give, but he lives by the saying "The best cure for a gf or bf is getting another one." I tried it, and that doesn't work for me.

[badz2801]

I can see in many ways that your relationship with this man was probably not a good one. I would say that you know best and you did what you had to do.

 

Again I really don't know all there is to what happened so I would never pass judgement on you considering it is not my business. If anything I hope that we both have learned from what has happened and grow to make the next one work out.

 

Personally I have never had a rebound relationship and I don't intend to. I agree with many of your reasons for leaving the relationship, however I would have never allowed it to go on in the first place. I hope that your wounds heal and I know how bad it hurts to get the ****ty end of the stick. If anything what you may want to do is call this guy up and tell him upfront that you are not getting back together, but you are sorry for what you did.

 

To be honest Rachel was not my ideal picture of the woman that I wanted to marry. However she had one quality that tipped all the scales. She was my best friend and our friendship was what drew me to her. I would have never expected her to do this, but one thing is for sure. We are not friends and she is no friend to me. I will never get back with her even if she asks. She will always be the love of my life and my wife with be the other. I will always be there for her, unless it hurts me. I hope that one day I will find a woman that will stand up for me in my darkest moments as I did for her.

 

 

Good luck on finding your one, and please for all of us "good guys" out there try not to hurt anyone else.

 

P.S. thanks for all of your help and support.

 

Sincerely

Ian

[badz2801]

Hey all

 

I know this thread is old, but i found out yesterday from her that she slept with someone three months after us, or so she says. I think she slept with someone two weekes after us. So now we don't talk, I will never take her back and well a she pissed away 11 months for nothing. She is alone, having trouble meeting people...what justice.

 

Well i guess I can scratch that one off the board. I have no idea why she did it but I lost it on the IM and just let it all out. Needless to say she is not talkiong to me anymore and I hope it stays that way. How can people just run out and do things like this, it makes you not want to date anyone ever again.

 

For now single is all that i can stand and I dont see myself with anyone soon..

[Ally Boo]

Bc people are selfish and self centered.

[badz2801]

yes very true.

 

But to be honest dispite what she has done I still love her. I cannot go back to her but I also dont think I will find anyone else who can top her. I have never been that close to anyone and I know she wont be able to find that again either. Thats my revenge and my curse.

 

I would love to burn her, but I figure I have wasted enough time on her ass why waste more. Now it is time to see if I can start a relationship with someone the right way who can be invested in.

 

 

Good luck

Ian