Holy Crap... Contact!

[Teacher's Pet]

Wow...

 

Sounds like you (both!) handled things really well.

 

I wish all breakups could have some sort of nice® ending like this.....

 

At least you can erase some of the pain, if nothing else, and move on without having to really look back....

 

Good for you, D... I'm sure you'll tell me more details next time we chat...

 

-tp

mr. diplomacy

[Art_Critic]

he doesn't hate me, and I don't hate him.

 

This is a good revelation.. The ex that hurt me I always felt she hated me and it killed me..

At least you know that he doesn't hate you...

 

So you did get some good healing power from the meeting.. Sorry I was poo pooing it...

[Teacher's Pet]

For the longest time, I've thought about attempted a similar situation with my ex, H. This is the girl I dated for 5 1/2 years (until 2000)......

 

Today is her 30th birthday (yes, I know she was young when we met!)..... for the longest time, I've always considered picking an "important" day, and then emailing her...JUST ONE TIME...to make ONE attempt at a dinner meeting or something... just a chance to finally have closure with her.

 

We lost a child in 1998, and we NEVER really talked about it after it happened. We just kinda kept our thoughts to ourselves, and it ate away at us, partially leading to our eventual breakup. There were a lot of other things that happened, and a chance at getting back together is basically NON-existant, but I'd like to finally close that piece of my life, once and for all......

 

At one time, I was considering (what would have been) our 10yr anniversary (January 2005)... but I let it pass.....today is her 30th birthday......and it's just so tempting, but I don't really know if I can emotionally handle some of the topics that would come up.......

 

We have a largely good, loving relationship. We always had fun, but we had fights once in a while. She was my first serious relationship, so I really wasn't good at handling fighting, so I usually said really bad things to her.

 

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I really sucked as a boyfriend to her at times, and towards the end, with everything that happened, we were too far gone to save.

 

Do I......

 

Do I......

 

I just don't know.

 

-tp

lost puppy.

[CaliGuy]

D-Lish, I have the feeling in the back of my mind that he's keeping you on a string in case something better doesn't come along.

 

All the hints he dropped to you, no mention of apology for treating you like dirt, etc.

 

You're going to get used if you get involved again.

 

It was stated here: "Be the prize."

 

If you are going to be the prize, he should have to work his a$$ off to earn you back. If you just hand yourself back over to him on a silver platter he will never respect or appreciate you.

 

Both respect and appreciation are required before a true, lasting love bond can form.

[Guest]

I have been lurking and reading your threads also. I was surprised that you said you want to email him in a few days. Why? You will make it far too easy for him, and based on your history with this guy I really don't think that's a good idea. You deserve for him to chase you!

[Trialbyfire]

Well done D-Lish. You showed him your positive side and that you were a together person. Make him work if he wants you back. Otherwise, he will never learn to appreciate you.

[notmakingsense]

When I read your description of dinner, I just couldn't help thinking that it sounded like it came from someone who very much wants to get back together with her ex, not from someone who was trying to get answers.

 

When things start going so well, the last thing you'd want to do is sour the evening by bringing up all the old baggage, right?

 

At some point, if this relationship stands a chance for the long term, you two will have to talk... I mean, *really* talk. Otherwise, at the next sign of trouble, the only method you two will have available is to break things off again rather than work them out.

 

D -- you really need to decide what you want here. If you want this man, the two of you must set the stage properly prior to succumbing to the euphoria of being together and the intimacy that it brings.

 

My suggestion is to quickly get "the talk" out of the way. Any healing that happened during no-contact is out the window now, so if you don't want to simply reject him and return to no-contact immediately, then at least do the right thing and spend your energy figuring out if this relationship will work for the long haul. Don't prolong the research, because it will just serve to be a black-mark on your progress -- whether that means progress with him or progress without him -- and nobody likes that hanging over their head for long....

[D-Lish]

Cali Guy,

 

I don't see the meeting as an open door for getting back together. I really just wanted to have a little forgiveness. I'm sensitive that way. You know what? I am a prize- flaws and all. I don't think he'll be that guy that chases me down and begs for forgiveness wanting a second chance. I'm fine with leaving things amicable as we did tonight. No expectations- honestly. That doesn't mean I'm not feeling slightly sentimental right now- because I just dropped him off an hour and a half ago... but I'm not pining for him.

 

Art Critic: I know, I know. I flip-flop. Love him, wait he's not right for me...wait, okay, I love him. I'm a woman- my emotions fluctuate like the wind. I'm okay though. Tonight was good. I wanted closure- I wanted to say a lot of things... but I am happy with what I got- a friendly encounter. You know what AC? I think you've come to feel protective of me! haha. And I appreciate it wholeheartedly. I'm okay. I got what I needed, and I'll proceed with dignity and caution, I promise. I'm not going to chase or make myself available to him. I deserve to BE chased, not do the chasing! I appreciate your insight and advice as always.

 

TP: We'll talk soon, I promise. You know what? It wouldn't hurt to get your closure. It really wouldn't. I think a hand written letter would be a great way to put some closure on your heart ache.

 

Yes, I did realize tonight that I am still in love with my ex. But I forgive myself for that. AND, I'm going to get over it. I'm going to move on and be a better g/f in my next relationship. I can't change how I feel. I want to- but I can't just yet. That doesn't mean that I think we should be together, that he's the only man for me and I can't be happy without him. If nothing else, I have realized that him wanting to meet up with me and clear the air means that he does think that I have some positive, endearing qualities that made him want to see me again and clear the air.

 

Closure is good guys. It's not over rated.

This meeting tonight- the smiling across the table... me having the opportunity to show him I am happy and confident... being able to leave him with a positive memory... it's all good. I feel better. No, we're probably not going to have a big Hollywood reconciliation- but I'll have my Hollywood ending someday, all of us will.

 

Guest? Are you really from Hamilton? haha.

I'd post my MSN, but they close the thread if they find out!

 

I'm up for a while guys- so keep posting!

Dee

[Art_Critic]

I think you've come to feel protective of me! haha. And I appreciate it wholeheartedly. I'm okay. I got what I needed, and I'll proceed with dignity and caution, I promise.

 

I have come to learn that you are a really cool person who is way on her way to healing and moving on from the person that hurt you..

and I also have learned that you have your head screwed on straight...

 

I think I really connected to your story as it felt close to mine from a couple of years ago and I think I felt a good bit like some of the ways you have posted that you feel/felt about him..

[Teacher's Pet]

TP: We'll talk soon, I promise. You know what? It wouldn't hurt to get your closure. It really wouldn't. I think a hand written letter would be a great way to put some closure on your heart ache.

 

That would be a nice touch, if I knew where to mail it. LOL She's moved since we broke up. She still lives in North Jersey, but I'm not 100% sure where, except I do know what town (it's a city of 100K+ people, so that won't be easy to figure out!)

 

My only source of contact is her work # and her Match.com address, which is still valid.

 

It's really tempting..... I'm scared out of my wits of getting ANY reply.

 

There's always MY 40th birthday.... 7/23/11

 

-tp

letting sleeping dogs lie

[D-Lish]

When I read your description of dinner, I just couldn't help thinking that it sounded like it came from someone who very much wants to get back together with her ex, not from someone who was trying to get answers.

 

D -- you really need to decide what you want here. If you want this man, the two of you must set the stage properly prior to succumbing to the euphoria of being together and the intimacy that it brings.

 

Well, you're right NMS,

A small part of me wants a reconciliation. I'd be a big fat liar if I denied that (sorry Art Critic- I know you're cringing) . But the rational part of me really has accepted that we're not suited. I truly will be content to leave our friendly evening as just that- a friendly evening. I promise you that.

 

Love is complicated and painful sometimes. Especially when you love someone, but know you can't be fulfilled, or even have that love returned.

I didn't bring up the relationship talk because there just wasn't an opening for that. It just didn't seem like the ideal time for that. I read the situation enough to realize that "the talk" wasn't a good idea.

 

I am being truthful when I say that I'm okay if we just leave things as they are. He saw me tonight as a confident, together girl with a big smile and a big heart. If we're not ever going to get back together (which I don't believe we will)- I am feeling really good that we will both remember one another as we were tonight... and not the way we were during the break up four months ago.

 

Am I a little sad? Sure. He looked great, he smelled great, I miss his smile and his blue eyes. But I'm not floating above reality- I think it's over. And I'm much happier that the last possible contact we could have had was positive rather than hateful. I'm much better off with the memory of tonight than the memory of the angry break up four months ago.

 

That's the honest truth.

:-)

D

[D-Lish]

I have come to learn that you are a really cool person who is way on her way to healing and moving on from the person that hurt you..

and I also have learned that you have your head screwed on straight...

 

I think I really connected to your story as it felt close to mine from a couple of years ago and I think I felt a good bit like some of the ways you have posted that you feel/felt about him..

 

Your concern makes me feel really good.

After tonight I feel like I can move forward.

I have to admit that if he wanted a reconcliation that I am still vulnerable to him. I think that's normal... at least I hope so.

 

But regardless, I feel better. Hate sucks, especially when it's directed at you! He doesn't hate me- I saw that in his eyes tonight. That's enough to give me closure... I promise you that.

 

He's been an ass. He has really hurt me. But I did hurt him too. It seems that the unspoken words truly said a lot to both of us tonight- there's no hate there. I can accept that as my closure.

 

And you're an inspiration too- you have found a new gal who makes you feel happy... that's what we're all looking for, right? Even after heartbreak, we can recover and find love again.

:-)

D

[Art_Critic]

And you're an inspiration too- you have found a new gal who makes you feel happy... that's what we're all looking for, right? Even after heartbreak, we can recover and find love again.

 

Thanks.. and yes I have found a girl that makes me very happy...and it seems that I make her feel just as happy..

It is funny though that I didn't find her till I stopped wanting the ex to come back into my life..

 

You are recovered by the way....

 

You will find someone new to give your newly recovered heart to.. trust me that it is in your future...

[notmakingsense]

Well, you're right NMS,

A small part of me wants a reconciliation. I'd be a big fat liar if I denied that (sorry Art Critic- I know you're cringing) . But the rational part of me really has accepted that we're not suited. I truly will be content to leave our friendly evening as just that- a friendly evening. I promise you that.

 

Its that small part that is the killer for me. For me, healing is all about getting rid of that little part that wants reconciliation... getting the heart and the head to agree on something.

 

Love is complicated and painful sometimes. Especially when you love someone, but know you can't be fulfilled, or even have that love returned.

I didn't bring up the relationship talk because there just wasn't an opening for that. It just didn't seem like the ideal time for that. I read the situation enough to realize that "the talk" wasn't a good idea.

 

I think that the only thing that wasn't ideal about the timing was that you wanted to make sure things ended well. There really isn't a "good" time for a talk like that. You either need to add discomfort to an otherwise great time together, or you need to add fuel to an already tenuous situation. I'd prefer the former.

 

I am being truthful when I say that I'm okay if we just leave things as they are. He saw me tonight as a confident, together girl with a big smile and a big heart. If we're not ever going to get back together (which I don't believe we will)- I am feeling really good that we will both remember one another as we were tonight... and not the way we were during the break up four months ago.

 

Am I a little sad? Sure. He looked great, he smelled great, I miss his smile and his blue eyes. But I'm not floating above reality- I think it's over. And I'm much happier that the last possible contact we could have had was positive rather than hateful. I'm much better off with the memory of tonight than the memory of the angry break up four months ago.

 

That's the honest truth.

:-)

D

 

Ok, I will remain the skeptic, only because I personally find it easier to move on when I remind myself of the bad times. I do have contact with a few exes from many years prior -- that is much different. We have nice times when we see eachother now -- but that's only because we have both fully moved on.

 

That said, if you are really moving on and have recognized that you will end up with a different person, a person much better for you, and this memory of the good time isn't holding you back -- then I applaud your strength.

 

No matter what happens though -- I'm rooting for you!

[norajane]

I'll chalk that up to a win-win situation for both of us. Two mature adults who used to date, and once loved one another madly.... and we've gone full circle- friends, to lovers- to enemies... and back to friends.

 

I'm glad you got something out of your meeting, and I would caution you to be a little slower at trusting in this friendship. Friends don't sweep crap under the rug. They have it out and apologize - hurt feelings aren't just ignored to go full circle, not in real friendships, and especially not in romantic relationships.

 

I've been exactly in your shoes before, and have done the friendly meeting and have felt exactly as you feel now. It's very, very easy to get sucked back in, especially since a part of you is hoping for it. You have to be able to communicate the hard stuff to him, and to tell him when he hurts you, and to stand up for yourself. You have to stand up for yourself so he owns his mistakes with you, so that he will be more likely to stop and think before he does something hurtful in the future. You have to stand up for yourself in order for him to do anything differently with you.

 

You have to stand up for yourself with this guy, or getting sucked back in will just end badly for you again, with even more hurt feelings. Just a caution, as I've been there, done that, and worn out the t-shirt.

 

Good luck to you.

[Guest]

obviously its a tricky situation. i wish u the best. i know that when u are positive, positive things happen. for example - i mentioned that i had ruined made my ex feel bad about certain things [wink] - could i repair those? BUT OF COURSE! i just pointed them out to show her i understand. besides, what i am thinking about really is just hanging out and seeing how she is - listen to the freaking amazing voice - and i want to see her SMILE so bad!

 

lol

[D-Lish]

No, I don't really think the memory of tonight is going to hold me back.

I've just had a cry in the bathtub. It's the closure setting in I think. It's the realization that he doesn't hate me that is giving me strength.

 

NMS, please, remain the skeptic... I'm okay with that. You're not reading things wrong. I am sad, and I did really want him to throw his arms around me and say "I still love you"... But I also recognize that a happy ending is better than an angry one. I'll take that as my closure...I really will.

 

I'm sensitive, but I am also logical. I know what's what. And I know that as much as he doesn't hate me- he also doesn't love me anymore. Reality. I'm going to work on moving on now.

 

I am going to send a friendly e-mail in a couple days saying thanks and "it was good to see you".

My neighbour thinks I should have poured my heart out tonight... he knew my ex and thinks that both of us are avoiding saying things we should be saying. I disagree though. Opportunity wasn't there.

 

I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now- but I do feel that I'm ready to be good to me. That's a good start right?

D

[Teacher's Pet]

Midnight....

 

I didn't do it. Her birthday is over.

 

I tip my hat to D's ex.

 

At least he had the guts to reach out.

 

-tp

always next year.

[norajane]

I am going to send a friendly e-mail in a couple days saying thanks and "it was good to see you".

That's how easy it is to get sucked in....you send an email, then he'll send one and it will be light and friendly and funny, and then you'll reply, and so on until you see each other again - as friends, really - and then maybe the next time you see him, you'll have a couple of drinks and then there might be a good night kiss, a sweet surprise, and the next thing you know, you're reacting to the attraction and the hope, and you're back in his bed.

 

You won't have had any resolution to your feelings and you won't know what it means, and you'll keep going until he does something to hurt you again.

 

Don't send him an email! Think about why you feel the need to do that!! Be wary of your impulses!

[mav100]

Sounds like things went well for you D, no matter which way things turn out. I'm very happy for you. I know what you mean about flip-flopping... Hell, she cheated on me, and at times, I'd still stupidly want to take her back. Of course, after last weeks fiasco, I'm beginning to think she's nuts!

 

Anyway, keep your guard up, and as was stated eariler - if he does come sniffing around again, YOU are the prize, not him. Make HIM work for it. If he doesn't come around or he doesn't work for it if he does come around - his loss.

 

Good luck!

[notmakingsense]

That's how easy it is to get sucked in....you send an email, then he'll send one and it will be light and friendly and funny, and then you'll reply, and so on until you see each other again - as friends, really - and then maybe the next time you see him, you'll have a couple of drinks and then there might be a good night kiss, a sweet surprise, and the next thing you know, you're reacting to the attraction and the hope, and you're back in his bed.

 

You won't have had any resolution to your feelings and you won't know what it means, and you'll keep going until he does something to hurt you again.

 

Don't send him an email! Think about why you feel the need to do that!! Be wary of your impulses!

 

D -- I agree with NJ that this is a real danger, only because this has also happened to me before. Do me a favor... if NJ is right and you do find yourself reconnecting with your ex, have the talk before things go to far.

[D-Lish]

You think it's a bad idea to send an e-mail? I wondered about that.

Believe me, there's no chance of kissing, or ending up in his bed. He had a cold tonight and he was all snotty-nosed...haha.

 

Maybe you're right, I should just let sleeping dogs lie and just let this go. Afterall- it ended on a good note right? Why not leave it at that.

 

TP: I know from talking to you that you need/want closure.

Write the letter- even if you don't send it.

 

I've had 3 beers since I came home just to calm down.

Now I feel calm and sleepy...

D

[underpants]

I think you handled yourself well.

 

You are going to go through some emotions over the next few days.

 

All part of the process.

 

My suggestion is to wait him out and let him make contact first, if ever.

 

He dumped, he ignored, he admitted to being a jackass so ....be the carrot...although I like prize better...anyway let him contact you.

 

Don't send an email first. You have already done that.

 

If he is at all sincere he will contact you. If he is true, he will want to fix things on a real and genuine level.

 

Again though, as others have mentioned you will need to think about addressing the issues that broke you two up....eventually. Hopefully though he is the one who should be doing this.

 

Stubborn people (myself being one), need to know that it is safe to express their feelings without judgement. It sounds as though that you give off that vibe and so ...what is his problem?

 

I am fairly certain you will hear from him again. Probably something light and casual. He is testing. Be responsive, but with some integrity, don't jump and be a little elusive. He needs to acknowlege some stuff with you before you two can even think about another go.

 

Gosh, I feel for you D.

 

I think the holidays and the engagements has him second guessing you two. Thus the contact and the treading lightly as he ended things with you rather badly.

 

Let him work out his issues, and just be your awesome great self...and the prize.

 

He may just come around. Do you really want him to?

 

Also know that when you truly let go. There will probably be a line forming for a chance with a soul as good natured and beautiful as yours.

 

Peace.

[D-Lish]

I like your call name...underpants!

That rocks!

 

Yeah, I guess I do want him to want me back. But I truly will settle for what I got tonight. You know what Undies? I looked at him across the table tonight, into his sweet blue eyes, and I started thinking... "do I want him back?" And my answer was "Oh gawd, yes". But I didn't let that weakness show. I just smiled and laughed and remained laid back and confident.

 

If he doesn't contact me again, I'll be okay. His friends loved me, his family loved me.... but he didn't. I can't change that. I accept that.

 

The predictable "Dee" thing to do would be to send him an e-mail saying "thanks for the meeting". I should probably heed my own advice and not be predictable!

[CaliGuy]

D-Lish, refresh my memory here. Weren't you, not long ago, asking about "How to Win Your Lover Back" by Blaise Harris?

 

What is it here? People don't buy that book for no reason. Are you trying to figure out how to win this guy back or are you really content with moving on.

 

I'm sensing mixed signals from you.

 

And didn't he treat you like crap? I'm just curious but what makes you think another go-round is going to make him any different or treat you differently? Until you have created healthy boundaries for yourself I do think you'll end up getting hurt again.

 

Reading "Love Must Be Tough" might help as well as "Boundaries" (Cloud/Townsend). Both books talk in detail about boundaries and why they are necessary in a relationship for there to be respect and love.