Friendship with a married man

[norajane]

You tell him the truth. That the friendship you two have isn't good for your marriage and it's the type of friendship married people shouldn't have with someone of the opposite sex.

I'm sure he'll understand seeing as he's married as well. I'm sure his wife probably wouldn't like the fact that you two are getting too close....

 

I would be careful with this - this is exactly the kind of conversation that leads to feelings revealed, and the temptation to DO something about those feelings. It can be the first step into a physical affair.

 

My advice would be to just step away from the friendship - let it dwindle into nothing fairly quickly. You don't owe him any explanations - you can be too busy.

 

If your friend's wife were eyeing your husband the way you're eyeing hers, how would you want her to end the friendship? Quickly? Or would you want her to remain friends with your H, continuing to feed her feelings with each contact?

[Mustang Sally]

Moni,

I would say just let it die with no explanation. My bet is this guy is getting what is going on (whether he indeed feels anything back at you or not may be unclear at this point). People (men included) usually have a "seventh sense" about this kind of thing. I would bet he also does have some feelings for you if he is not already distancing himself from this. This is mostly based on what I have experienced as in my previous post.

 

If you become more "closed off" to him - nothing blatant, just less (or no) special effort to be around him - he will undoubtedly get the message. If he can't figure out the meaning of your actions on his own, then maybe he'll ask you what's up (who knows?). But my guess is that he won't need to ask. If he does, that may be an indirect way of saying "I'm kind of into you, why aren't you playing along?" You'd just have to deal with that when/if it became an issue, but that might be a great opportunity to tell him point blank what's been going on in your mind.

 

I think the most challenging part of a situation like this is committing yourself to killing off something that has been such a boost for you. I know I'm still stuggling with it. In fact, depending on the day, I actually find myself encouraging it. I'll probably get lectured about that, but it's just the truth. I'm at least trying to be honest with myself.

 

The strokes I get from my interactions with MM are like crack to an addict! It doesn't hurt that this guy is so hot, I sometimes have to fight myself to not throw him down in the back room and ..... well, you know. There's something very hippocampal about the whole thing for me. Meaning: basic human instinct. And it's just this particular guy, too. I have never had this kind of reaction to any other male that has given me the time of day (or other implied interest) outside my M. Thoughts of my fam and H don't even enter my mind when I get that urge (don't worry, I've NOT acted in any overt way). Seems so very un-female of me to be so base! Go figure.

 

Again, good luck.

[Moni]

Moni,

I would say just let it die with no explanation. My bet is this guy is getting what is going on (whether he indeed feels anything back at you or not may be unclear at this point). People (men included) usually have a "seventh sense" about this kind of thing. I would bet he also does have some feelings for you if he is not already distancing himself from this. This is mostly based on what I have experienced as in my previous post.

 

If you become more "closed off" to him - nothing blatant, just less (or no) special effort to be around him - he will undoubtedly get the message. If he can't figure out the meaning of your actions on his own, then maybe he'll ask you what's up (who knows?). But my guess is that he won't need to ask. If he does, that may be an indirect way of saying "I'm kind of into you, why aren't you playing along?" You'd just have to deal with that when/if it became an issue, but that might be a great opportunity to tell him point blank what's been going on in your mind.

 

I think the most challenging part of a situation like this is committing yourself to killing off something that has been such a boost for you. I know I'm still struggling with it. In fact, depending on the day, I actually find myself encouraging it. I'll probably get lectured about that, but it's just the truth. I'm at least trying to be honest with myself.

 

The strokes I get from my interactions with MM are like crack to an addict! It doesn't hurt that this guy is so hot, I sometimes have to fight myself to not throw him down in the back room and ..... well, you know. There's something very hippocampal about the whole thing for me. Meaning: basic human instinct. And it's just this particular guy, too. I have never had this kind of reaction to any other male that has given me the time of day (or other implied interest) outside my M. Thoughts of my fam and H don't even enter my mind when I get that urge (don't worry, I've NOT acted in any overt way). Seems so very un-female of me to be so base! Go figure.

 

Again, good luck.

 

I will make an effort to distance myself from him. I hope it works. Thanks for your advice, I now see things in a much more different light than I did before.

 

Getting as much advice as possible is greatly needed. I am teetering between feeling I can do without him to toatl putty whenever I am around him.

[IpAncA]

I know that I'm coming in late on this one and everyone has some great advice but your situation is exactly why you don't become really good friends with a MM. Why because I can tell you have feelings lingering around now which I'm guessing wasn't there before.

 

I'm friends with both married and non-married men but I have boundries. I don't put myself in a position where something could happen. I don't hang out with them alone or do anything that might have things led from one thing to another.

 

Not saying that it would be if it can happen then it will.