I'm a bad girl, Broke NC

[Meaplus3]

YUP! Could not resist the temptation and called MM. Did this get me any where? YES! We talked for a while and he said now that we should not even be friend's, something I said month's ago to him, when I was thought I trying to end it, but was in denial.

 

My H now knows about the A, but I have left out many detail's per my therapist. I love MM and I know he loves me, he does not have to say a word. The connection we have shared is like no other. The problem I am having now is that even thought I know our relationship will not progress further in a physical way, how do I deal with the loss of friendship, connection? He agree's that he miss's that the most as well?

 

AP

[puddleofmud]

So you revisited and what came from it was...?

That you miss the friendship--the deep connection you feel you may not feel comfortable living without?

Accept that you DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH OUT THIS. Sounds confusing, doesn't it?

There is nothing at all wrong with this feeling. We all know it well.

None of us wish to let go of something that seems to sustain us and makes us feel good--great, really.

There is not a person amongst us who isn't waiting for some aspect of our emotions to catch up with our intellect.

Fortunately, you have a therapist who will help you with this so be honest about it and explore that with your therapist.

The loss of a friend is one of the most awful things a person must deal and you have every reason to "miss" that; even while being aware that this friendship is no longer possible.

Best wishes to you and take care of yourself!

[kymberann]

Let me see if I understand. You called and talked but he said you two should not be friends? Now there is agreement the A won't develop beyond this point? Does he still want to hear from you. Was he receptive to your call?

 

Grieve the loss any way you need to. It is your own process. Cry, write, pray. What ever it takes. But I suggest maintaining NC. This is what I am currently going through right now. That makes it harder when you sporadically talk or see him. Plus, you don't want to be made to be the crazy one if he doesn't want any contact from you! The longer you go the less the temptation!

Hang in there!

Best

[forbidden fruit]

Answerplease I am in the same boat as you and I broke nc with a see you can't do this to me e-mail in response to his e-mail that you are still my best friend even though I will not leave my w. I always want more and that is why I see we cannot be friends. I tried for one whole day , but then wrote him back no can do. He is furious with me now because my mm likes to be in control and wants the final say. I too like yourself am mad because i told him with every failed nc that we cannot be friends , but now because it is his idea I am supposed to say nothing!! My heart still wants him, but slowly hopefully it will catch up with my brain. NC is where I am going and I will forgive myself if I don't succeed because i know there is no going back. It is hard to accept the end and that the mm has won at least for me. I think if you leave the door open for them they still have the best of both worlds because they know how to push our buttons to get right back in.

[whichwayisup]

He gave you the closure you needed - Meaning, he confirmed the A is over. Now, take the control for yourself and shut your heart to him. NO good can come of a friendship.

 

It's OK to miss how he made you feel, but keep it in perspective! When you find yourself missing him or just thinking of him - DO something different! Keep busy and distract yourself. Don't sit and wallow in thoughts, get down and out - Be glad that you're not cheating on your husband anymore, be glad that you don't have to feel sad, cry and hide things.

[BenThereDunThat]

I just wanted to say that I relate to all of the above. I lived it and am coming out the other side.

 

One of the things that helped me, was a moment of clarity, and I think it was Kymberann who posted it (?)..A loss is a loss, no matter what the circumstances, no matter how smart you feel you should have been, what you should have done, etc.

 

Accept the loss. Grieve it and then move on.

 

I'm here to tell you, and this is coming from someone who has to see the jerk daily, it DOES get easier, you DO get to the point where your intellect takes back over and goes, WTF??? <shudder>

[bonehead]

Grieve the loss any way you need to. It is your own process. Cry, write, pray. What ever it takes. But I suggest maintaining NC

 

kymberann said it best. You do need to grieve. No one can tell you the way you should feel right now except you.

 

Not only are you breaking an addiction of sorts, you are losing someone who had become important to you.

[forbidden fruit]

What do i say when his kids want to play with my kids or his wife calls to see if they can come over?

[bonehead]

Thats a hard one.

[whichwayisup]

What do i say when his kids want to play with my kids or his wife calls to see if they can come over?

 

How old are the kids? I say just let the kids play but don't hang out with him or his wife. Limited contact as possible...Not sure if NC is possible unless you move or he moves.

[forbidden fruit]

I just think by the kids playing that is establishing some contact with him and I don't want to give him the satisifaction. Is that fair to my kids though? The kids are young . I know he has to come over and pick them up or she does and that just hurts everytime.

[bonehead]

I just think by the kids playing that is establishing some contact with him and I don't want to give him the satisifaction. Is that fair to my kids though? The kids are young . I know he has to come over and pick them up or she does and that just hurts everytime.

 

No its not fair to the kids. They shouldnt be punsihed for the affair, but at the same time you do need a way to protect yourself when you know its going to lead to some type of contact.

[Meaplus3]

So you revisited and what came from it was...?

That you miss the friendship--the deep connection you feel you may not feel comfortable living without?

Accept that you DO NOT WANT TO LIVE WITH OUT THIS. Sounds confusing, doesn't it?

There is nothing at all wrong with this feeling. We all know it well.

None of us wish to let go of something that seems to sustain us and makes us feel good--great, really.

There is not a person amongst us who isn't waiting for some aspect of our emotions to catch up with our intellect.

Fortunately, you have a therapist who will help you with this so be honest about it and explore that with your therapist.

The loss of a friend is one of the most awful things a person must deal and you have every reason to "miss" that; even while being aware that this friendship is no longer possible.

Best wishes to you and take care of yourself!

 

Thanks puddleofmud and everyone else for your kind words and advice. It is very difficult breaking free from a friendship that's no longer possible. I miss his smile, his laugh the way we used to kid around with each other, it really tears my heart to shreds knowing that we can't be this way together ever again. I guess I just need to work harder to get him out of my heart and that's tough for me because when I let some on in on the level that I let MM in it's DEEP and very hard to forget and I am so stubborn that I don't want to forget him.

[kymberann]

I wanted to share this with you. When I am down about MM situation I read this. it's been part of my grieving process. I am still reeling from the fact that I spent so much time and energy with someone I caredfor deeply and in a matter of a brief conversation it was all taken away. Anyway this really helps me put the whole "affair" in a perspective that works for me.

Best

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.*

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.*

[Meaplus3]

I wanted to share this with you. When I am down about MM situation I read this. it's been part of my grieving process. I am still reeling from the fact that I spent so much time and energy with someone I caredfor deeply and in a matter of a brief conversation it was all taken away. Anyway this really helps me put the whole "affair" in a perspective that works for me.

Best

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.*

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.*

 

Kymberann, Thank you for sharing this with me, it made me cry. I agree with this very much. Ya know I know in my head it's time to move on get over him but my heart is so broken and empty! My H know's about the A and now my marriage is even worse than before. I really think I need to tell his wife or better yet have my H do it. I have so much trouble watching him get away with this!

 

AP:confused:

[whichwayisup]

I really think I need to tell his wife or better yet have my H do it. I have so much trouble watching him get away with this!

 

Think long and hard before you two decide to do this. Don't do it out of spite because your husband knows and his wife doesn't, so therefore he's gotten away with it.

 

IF anyone is to tell, it should be your husband's decision, not yours. Sorry...

 

Is your husband willing to go to marriage counselling? Or in his mind, is the marriage over?

[forbidden fruit]

Answer please I am sorry for monopolozing your thread . I am pretty much going through the same thing and it is so hard!!! I am trying to avoid everywhere I think I might run into him. He has purposely gone places he knows I will be- whatz up with that? I have been holed up in my house with my kids because I do not want to see him. Everything he said to end it was so manipulative . Why is it that I tried to end it a zillion times and he never would let me, but now I am suppossed to roll over and be his friend. That is why i don't want to see him . I really don't want to get into it with him. I have so many questions that will never get answered like why three days ago he wanted to see me sexually and then when I said no it is all over for good!!

Oh but I get the constelllation prize of lets be friends. What a ass***

It will never be enough for me and that is why I can't be his friend. I am seriously thinking of moving. I can't seem to move on.

[Freedom Now]

In my experience, when YOU tell him that it is over, you feel empowered. You feel as though you have taken your power back and gotten some control. THAT helps you move on.

 

It helped me. To know that I stopped the relationship makes moving on so much easier because I didn't feel abandoned. I abandoned HIM. And that is where I needed to be when it call came crashing down around us.

 

Forbidden fruit, end it once and for all with your MM. It is all or nothing. Either he wants you and only you or he gets nothing. Forget about the friendship thing. Why would you want to be friends with someone who broke your heart? And why does he deserve to have ANY part of you?

 

Take your power back. YOU be the one to stop all contact once and for all. I will bet that if you do that, you will be able to move on quicker because you will have done things on YOUR terms.

 

Best of luck.

[Meaplus3]

Answer please I am sorry for monopolozing your thread . I am pretty much going through the same thing and it is so hard!!! I am trying to avoid everywhere I think I might run into him. He has purposely gone places he knows I will be- whatz up with that? I have been holed up in my house with my kids because I do not want to see him. Everything he said to end it was so manipulative . Why is it that I tried to end it a zillion times and he never would let me, but now I am suppossed to roll over and be his friend. That is why i don't want to see him . I really don't want to get into it with him. I have so many questions that will never get answered like why three days ago he wanted to see me sexually and then when I said no it is all over for good!!

Oh but I get the constelllation prize of lets be friends. What a ass***

It will never be enough for me and that is why I can't be his friend. I am seriously thinking of moving. I can't seem to move on.

 

Forbidden,

 

I feel your pain!! I actually was seriously thinking of telling my H tonight that we need to sell the house after the new year cause I can't deal with the fact that he's right nextdoor, It is pure torture!!! I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that an Emotional Affair could be so damaging! Not only to my H and family but to my soul!

 

As far as the let's be friend's part goes that's how it was for me a couple of months ago. We tried to just be friend's and it did not work. We both wanted more, only I was willing to do it and he was not Then it went back to NC, then to an encounter and now to "per him "we can be friends with limted contact.

 

AP

[Meaplus3]

Think long and hard before you two decide to do this. Don't do it out of spite because your husband knows and his wife doesn't, so therefore he's gotten away with it.

 

IF anyone is to tell, it should be your husband's decision, not yours. Sorry...

 

Is your husband willing to go to marriage counselling? Or in his mind, is the marriage over?

 

Hi whichway,

 

My H was the one that brought up telling his wife. At first he said he was going to send a letter to his wife saying something like "I know you are chatting up my wife and as I understand she's not the first" He was going to mail it from the town he works in make it seem like it's from a co-worker clearly my H would make the letter anynomus and addressd to her. H said that it would probably eat at her cause she would not have the gut's to confront him it would be the perfect payback.

 

MY H told me I am his world and he loves me very much. He does not want to get a divorce. I told him that we need to talk with my therapist and he has agreed. I also think that inordr for this to go away we DO need to move.

 

AP:)

 

AP

[forbidden fruit]

I e-mailed him last week ending it and then he could not handle giving me any kind of control so he wrote a goodbye one. I could not handle that so I wrote one and let out all my feelings. what do you think happened next he called yelling at me because he thought we were friends and why am I putting up such a fight. So my question is since I have not responded and gone NC did I get some control back or is this just a mute point. We are like two children who just wants to have the last say, but I think by me not saying anything that I have somehow regained a little bit of self respect which I have lost . NC is so hard but I just think of all the bad things he has done and said over the last year and try not to focus on the good.

[whichwayisup]

MY H told me I am his world and he loves me very much. He does not want to get a divorce. I told him that we need to talk with my therapist and he has agreed. I also think that inordr for this to go away we DO need to move.

 

Definately marriage counselling and moving IS the key to this. The NC is more or less impossible because MM is your neighbour. Neither of you can move past this with the guy basically 'right' there.

[Freedom Now]

I e-mailed him last week ending it and then he could not handle giving me any kind of control so he wrote a goodbye one. I could not handle that so I wrote one and let out all my feelings. what do you think happened next he called yelling at me because he thought we were friends and why am I putting up such a fight. So my question is since I have not responded and gone NC did I get some control back or is this just a mute point. We are like two children who just wants to have the last say, but I think by me not saying anything that I have somehow regained a little bit of self respect which I have lost . NC is so hard but I just think of all the bad things he has done and said over the last year and try not to focus on the good.

 

I believe that you have gained some self respect and some closure by getting your feelings out. I did that. I told him everything I felt when I slammed the door in his face. I NEEDED to say the things I had been thinking. It was my kind of closure.

 

Don't respond to his contact now. Men don't respond to words. They respond to NC.

 

Keep your control. Be silent.

 

And, yes, NC is hard, but the more time away from him you have, the more you will see his flaws. And you will get more indignant. And the cycle will spin you upward into a healthy place. You will get to the point where you will not even believe you were once where you are now.

 

You will get there. Believe in yourself. You have strength. Now is the time to show it.

 

Hang on, girl. It is gonna get better.

[forbidden fruit]

Thank you so much Freedom Now your words of encouragment are just what I need right now. What do you think I should do when his wife contacts me and wants the kids to play or he is out front-remeber we are neighbors. Does NC mean NC for everyone. I think it does because then he has won and gets the best of both worlds again. It sounds harsh and my kids will survive. Just want to know your opinion.

[Freedom Now]

Geez, that is tough. My gut tells me that you should go completely NC with him and his wife, but the kids would deal with the brunt of the after effects. Forgive me for not knowing, but are you married also?

 

Are the kids close friends with each other or just playmates occasionally? If they are just occasional playmates, I agree with you. Kids are resilient and they find new friends rather quickly. And, your MM doesn't need access to the best of both worlds. He doesn't deserve it. It is hurting you. I would definitely ignore him if you see him out front. But the thing is, even if you ignore him, will it hurt you to just SEE him?

 

Wow. This is a difficult one. I'm lucky. My MM lives in another state, so I don't have this problem. Somehow, you are going to have to force the NC without raising suspicion with the kids or his wife if that is your decision.

 

I think these situations are so incredibly difficult when you work with the MM or live closeby him. They are so difficult to extricate yourself from when there is the knowledge that you WILL see him again. It's like wounds continue to be reopened.

 

Gosh, I would almost be tempted to move. Drastic, I know. I feel for you. This is tough.

 

I am so sorry for this. I am at a loss. But I do know that you should follow your instincts on what to do. Our instincts are usually right on. Trust yourself and your decisions. They are probably the correct ones to make.