lasan Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Seeing that she is referencing a post I made.... I don't see a problem with what she just said. It is a valid point. If one doesn't take care of their marriage, it is going to crumble. People forget about it, put it on the backburner for kids, and career. They just shouldn't be surprised when they look up one day, and there is nothing left.
pricillia Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Seeing that she is referencing a post I made.... I don't see a problem with what she just said. It is a valid point. If one doesn't take care of their marriage, it is going to crumble. People forget about it, put it on the backburner for kids, and career. They just shouldn't be surprised when they look up one day, and there is nothing left. yes that does happen... That is real life
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 yes that does happen... That is real life yes what lasan is saying is reality and good advice. what peacelove is saying is totaaly different in your face.
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Here is my two sense..Whether it matters or not. There are all types of relationships , and all types of marriages. His marriage was a have to...What was the right thing to do. Neither one had a chance of developing a relationship to see what would workout or not. Time went by and they saw this but then there were kids and they buried their feelings and they marched on for them. ( maybe not the right thing ). He cheated okay....But she did nothing to make him not want to cheat. You have to want to make something work. I want my relationship to work and I let him know that. He wants the relationship to work and he lets me know that. I think its wrong to later tell kids " hey we loved you so much , we put our feelings aside to make you happy...so now that your grown and I did my job, im going to go be happy." But they arent my kids , I can only be there to help support him and the kids in the aftermath. But the battle between BS and OW will never stop even after the OW becomes the one and only because there will still be closed minded people that only judge a book by its cover and dont take the time to read the story before making a complete judgement call.
pricillia Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 yes what lasan is saying is reality and good advice. what peacelove is saying is totaaly different in your face. I know I Know...maybe she is having bad day
Romeo Must Die Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I am a BW, but that was not my choice. I am what I have become because of someone else's selfish choices. Romeo and his OW played games with my life and not the other way around. As for the OW, I didn't even know her. Who was she to decide my life should be her own personal folly? I bet if I were in her bedroom, she'd be pissed, wouldnt she. Anyhoo, they did whatever the heck they wanted without asking me, so why am I paying for this when I wasnt the one out messing around? Geez, I just wish I could go back to the point where I was just my normal self and not anything.
NoIDidn't Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 The person that started this thread first said s/he wanted peace between the opposite sides and then started to be anything but a peacemaker. While I agree that tending to a M is needed, to come off like you are blaming the W (the person here chatting with you) is beyond misguided. If the guy is cheating, can you honestly say that HE is tending to his M. I really wish people would stop saying that, because it goes both ways. He is not justified in cheating and the "clean up woman" that attempts to remove him from his M is really no better than he is if she knew he was M and continued anyways. The state of the M is a joint effort and I don't for the life of me understand a person that thinks unhappiness justifies coming in like a thief in the night. I understand a little of the whys and hows a person finds themself the OW, but there is no justifiable why or how of becoming betrayed. The two sides just don't have the TRUTH between them to come to any understanding or "peace" (speaking of the two actually around a specific man, not the folks on this board). To the OP, if you are going to say you want peace, but then set out to attack the BW that show up with your own frustrations is juvenile, at best. Shows a complete lack of maturity or humility. And shows that you really aren't nearly as happy as you would have anyone here to believe.
Author peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I will bow out for Peace sake. Let's see who else will back off.
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I will bow out for Peace sake. Let's see who else will back off. Sorry i find this very funny...
yousaveme Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 actually i tried this before....The same type of thread....It doesnt seem to be getting better...I hope one day we can find peace.
Author peacelove Posted November 30, 2006 Author Posted November 30, 2006 I have peace & love with my man. Don't need a thing from the bw's here. They need something. Something from us. Don't think they'll get it though. Peace Out!!
pricillia Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I have peace & love with my man. Don't need a thing from the bw's here. They need something. Something from us. Don't think they'll get it though. Peace Out!! I think that the main thing here is how we can all help eachother understand the otherside of the situation. How can the OW get out of that situation or manage the reality that it probably will not go anywhere... and for the BS how and why did her husband seak out another... should she stay or should she go?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 The person that started this thread first said s/he wanted peace between the opposite sides and then started to be anything but a peacemaker. While I agree that tending to a M is needed, to come off like you are blaming the W (the person here chatting with you) is beyond misguided. If the guy is cheating, can you honestly say that HE is tending to his M. I really wish people would stop saying that, because it goes both ways. He is not justified in cheating and the "clean up woman" that attempts to remove him from his M is really no better than he is if she knew he was M and continued anyways. The state of the M is a joint effort and I don't for the life of me understand a person that thinks unhappiness justifies coming in like a thief in the night. I understand a little of the whys and hows a person finds themself the OW, but there is no justifiable why or how of becoming betrayed. The two sides just don't have the TRUTH between them to come to any understanding or "peace" (speaking of the two actually around a specific man, not the folks on this board). To the OP, if you are going to say you want peace, but then set out to attack the BW that show up with your own frustrations is juvenile, at best. Shows a complete lack of maturity or humility. And shows that you really aren't nearly as happy as you would have anyone here to believe. Yeah, what she said! I did not ask to be a BS. I was very much tending to my marriage. My WS told me every day how much he loved me, bought me gifts several times a week. Called me daily. We had long conversations about nothing and everything. We spent every moment he was home together working on projects, or out persuing common interest. I listened for hours about his work. We had sex twice most days, sometimes more, he held me everynight. THEN....D day. Then it wasn't you, it was me. (insert a year of more lies) Then a year later I find out from his best friend that while he finally "fooled around and fell in love" that there and been and continue to be MANY. Even though he does claim to love one. Good God... his OW, have OW! I do know however that the OW have a need to dehumanize the W. I wonder daily what he tells them about me (probably anything after d day could be right on) yep , she's certifiable, angry, controlling, confused, detached. But before then, noway! It's what I hate him (and the situation) changing who I was, taking me away from me and my children. It isn't the OW's fault but I will say that the attitude that the W is screwing up your life makes my head spin. I thought the board was going to be cathartic for me but today it's sent me into a talespin. Oh, well, carpool beckons.
Adunaphel Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 There will always be OW & BW's. The feud will never end. But we can try to end it here at least. Nice idea. As long as it will be OW vs BW's, life will be much easier for wandering husbands.
pureinheart Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 Hey Peacelove....good post. I just want to say that I am sorry if I have offended OW or BS. Just working out my own issues and want to share what I have learned....this is my truth based on personal experiences, and it it helps anyone fine, if not spit out the bones so to speak. Am very much learning from all of you....being both OW and BS am understanding everyday how I got there...I don't want to be either one anymore, but respect those who are ok with it.
pureinheart Posted November 30, 2006 Posted November 30, 2006 I am really not angry. I am totally perplexed as to WHY. why a woman would want something that is just a little out of her reach. There are so many men why waste your time with one with HUGE baggage. Hey Noforgiveness.... I ask myself the same questions.....these are my conclusions for me and not anyone else. I lacked compassion, my friend was in the midst of an A and I (and many others) Chastised her without much mercy. After being a BS 4 different times, instead of looking at why, (I obviously looked for men that would hurt me possibly so that I could remain the victim and I was very messed up myself) took my anger out on my friend. So now was the OW, still finding the same type of man....think about it, a cheater is a cheater no matter what side of this issue your on God allowed me to hit bottom for a reason, to finally come to terms concerning choices, to gain compassion and many other things.
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I think that the main thing here is how we can all help eachother understand the otherside of the situation. How can the OW get out of that situation or manage the reality that it probably will not go anywhere... and for the BS how and why did her husband seak out another... should she stay or should she go? Okay - first off, I don't really want to deal with the otherside of the situation. If there are some here that truly don't know how p*ssed W will be when/if she finds out, then they are not thinking very clearly. If I really don't get it, then I think I should go to the "Infidelity" board and ask the question, because surely that is where I will find a BS. The second statement is why I am here...although more for support in the second part of the statement than the first. I don't want out right now. And I don't want to hear from a bunch of people who are on the other side or in certain cases not involved and never been involved in an A. Especially when the only thing that they seem to be able to say is that it is wrong and get out. A) you don't know my situation (which admittedly is wrong but there are some compelling factors) and B) I don't want to. And finally, I think that is a question for WS. I can tell you why he is with me in my personal situation but I can't guess why any other man is cheating. I can't tell you what is missing in your M that has made him stray - if there even is a problem. It seems that serial cheaters have no reason other than the excitement of the chase and capture of a new bed partner. And to be totally honest, I don't know what mine would tell his W if we are ever discovered...his lies to her, about me, go back further than our A. Bottom line is that BS should get support from others in the same position and find out how other BS have dealt with things. The OW have different issues and agendas. Their questions are better answered by other OW who have gone through similar situations.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Take care of your husbands so ow won't have to!!!!!! This comment pisses me off badly. Firstly, can we dispose of this BS acronym? It's very disrespectful to women who've already been forced to experience a lot of pain that they never asked for. Use W or S. Btw, OW, no matter how much you deny it, you're participating in it, therefore have 50% culpability. If your man is a cakeman, both sides are losers in the long run. To taunt the W about "having" a cakeman isn't much to brag about. At the end of the day, the W will have him but realistically speaking both W and you will have nothing except the pain of being used. At least the W was good enough to marry at one time. If you're in a relationship where the man isn't a cakeman, why isn't he with you full time if he values you so much? Is it because he has other priorities and you don't rate high enough to be number 1? Remember, the wife did rate as #1 at one time and probably will again once she finds out about you. Statistically speaking, the man dumps the OW like a hot rock when the W calls. Ick, I can sympathize to an extent with an OW because this forum showed me there are all kinds. The above quote elicits nothing but outright disgust with me.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 At least the W was good enough to marry at one time. I find this quote to be insulting to W's period and women in general...It implies that the W ceases to be good enough at some point and that women who choose not to marry in the first place or again are worth less than married women in general... I am sure you were just trying to make a point...but I think that it was meant to slap OW as if we are not good enough to marry...
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I find this quote to be insulting to W's period and women in general...It implies that the W ceases to be good enough at some point and that women who choose not to marry in the first place or again are worth less than married women in general... I am sure you were just trying to make a point...but I think that it was meant to slap OW as if we are not good enough to marry... Read the quote that I referenced and you will be able to figure out to whom it was referenced to. Yes, it was intended to be of the same caliber comment as the original post.
Catharsis Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 This comment pisses me off badly. Firstly, can we dispose of this BS acronym? It's very disrespectful to women who've already been forced to experience a lot of pain that they never asked for. Use W or S. Btw, OW, no matter how much you deny it, you're participating in it, therefore have 50% culpability. If your man is a cakeman, both sides are losers in the long run. To taunt the W about "having" a cakeman isn't much to brag about. At the end of the day, the W will have him but realistically speaking both W and you will have nothing except the pain of being used. At least the W was good enough to marry at one time. If you're in a relationship where the man isn't a cakeman, why isn't he with you full time if he values you so much? Is it because he has other priorities and you don't rate high enough to be number 1? Remember, the wife did rate as #1 at one time and probably will again once she finds out about you. Statistically speaking, the man dumps the OW like a hot rock when the W calls. Ick, I can sympathize to an extent with an OW because this forum showed me there are all kinds. The above quote elicits nothing but outright disgust with me. Don't kid yourself. The W isn't #1 either - otherwise the cheating husband wouldn't disrespect her and spending time away from her with other women. The only person who is #1 to a cheater is he himself. I also wouldn't gloat about the fact that the cheater eventually returns to the W - not exactly a sign of true love but rather the path of least resistance.
Trialbyfire Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Don't kid yourself. The W isn't #1 either - otherwise the cheating husband wouldn't disrespect her and spending time away from her with other women. The only person who is #1 to a cheater is he himself. I also wouldn't gloat about the fact that the cheater eventually returns to the W - not exactly a sign of true love but rather the path of least resistance. And you honestly believe that at this point the W is interested in true love? Not likely, although there may be a few that are.
bonehead Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Would keep a cake eater full for months. Peacelove: There will always be OW & BW's. The feud will never end. But we can try to end it here at least. I must say noble thought. Even though the emotions on this topic are very raw it was a nice try. Take care of your husbands so ow won't have to!!!!!! Understand the point kinda but OUCH!! Pricillia: because what the BS does not understand that the MM usually initiates this type of contact... will lie about his situation...to get what he wants that is a fact! There should be no fued, the conflict should be with Husband.. and for the OW the conflict should be with her MM To bad everyone doesnt see it that way. yes that is reality... the MM created this reality..he was the one who initiated contact, in most cases... there should be no fued... the sitiation sucks for both sides... So true in most cases. Noforgiveness: personally i don't think there is any feud going on. NONE. I do not see anyone attacking you? I see questions being asked about your relationships and where you think it is going. I see you feeling attacked because when the questions are asked you know you are wrong. That is why your whole relationship is a secret on most cases. I think you would like to just see happiness and fairytales here and not be presented with the reality of your situation which is the wife and kids that go along with this person you say you love. If you dont see a fued going on you really need to open your eyes. While i have not seen you lash out at any one OW in general you do seem to have a little hostility towards OW in general on here. I am really not angry. I am totally perplexed as to WHY. why a woman would want something that is just a little out of her reach. There are so many men why waste your time with one with HUGE baggage. You do quite often come across as angry. You have good reason to be, but not with the people on here. Quote: Originally Posted by peacelove Take care of your husbands so ow won't have to!!!!!! oh now isn't that the classic little line of i want to hurt you. Did that make you feel better? very mature. You think that justifies your having him? Oh well his wife didn't give him enough head so i had to do it? Don't put yourself down like that. Very seldom is it actually about sex. Lasan: Seeing that she is referencing a post I made.... I don't see a problem with what she just said. It is a valid point. If one doesn't take care of their marriage, it is going to crumble. People forget about it, put it on the backburner for kids, and career. They just shouldn't be surprised when they look up one day, and there is nothing left. Exactly
sinceyouasked Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 I also wouldn't gloat about the fact that the cheater eventually returns to the W - not exactly a sign of true love but rather the path of least resistance. This is not true. The path of least resistance is to leave. Fixing the marriage is extremely difficult and loaded with problems it is painful for the betrayed spouse I'm sure but is excrutiating for the person who has strayed. It would be much easier to leave than to stay and actually see and experience the pain we have caused.
Chapter2 Posted December 1, 2006 Posted December 1, 2006 Amen! Gloating of any kind on a board like this makes me sick. Don't kid yourself. The W isn't #1 either - otherwise the cheating husband wouldn't disrespect her and spending time away from her with other women. The only person who is #1 to a cheater is he himself. I also wouldn't gloat about the fact that the cheater eventually returns to the W - not exactly a sign of true love but rather the path of least resistance.
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