A year and a half and confused

[Stan]

I have been dating Lisa for about a year and a half. I am 31, she is 29. Over this time we have broken up twice for about 1 month at a time. Lisa is an extraordinary woman. The deepest individual I have ever met. She and I have an 'emotional connection' that I've never experienced before. We are completely in tune with one another and alway know when 'something's up'. We also communicate wonderfully. We've even discussed the following:

 

Lisa and I are concerned that while we have this amazing 'emotional chemistry', we're lacking the 'giddy, fun, easy chemistry'. We are both extremely intense and emotional people and we are both concerned that it's too much. But there's something that keeps bringing us back to eachother.

 

It's now getting to the point where we both want to decide where our future lies, whether it's with or without one another. We are both concerned that the fact that we're both so confused and scared that that is the answer and maybe it's just 'not right'. Does anyone here have experience with this? The last time Lisa and I broke up, I was miserable and desparately wanted her back in my life and wanted to make a life long commitment. But after a very short period of 'bliss', we fall back into the state of confusion.

 

I cannot imagine my life without Lisa. I've also had a VERY ROCKY past year and a half - including 3 job changes, the loss of a grandparent, and a MAJOR surgery. So I'm always confused as to whether these external factors are what's getting in the way of our (ultimate) happiness.

 

Any feedback / advice would be appreciated.

[Ed]

The emotional intensity and chemical reaction you two are experiencing is sort of addictive isn't it? It can lead to some very passionate meetings, whether they be romantic interludes or knock-down, drag-out fights.

 

There needs to be some chemistry there to fuel the attraction for one another but, you can have chemistry between even the worst of mates. In my opinion, the chemistry has to be there, but it will not make a relationship a good one or a lasting one.

 

You already know the chemistry is there, what you have to focus on now is - are you two compatible in enough other ways? Do you have similar outlooks on life, love, religion and family? Do you have similar or at least compatible goals? Do you have mutual trust and respect? Are each of you mature enough and ready to make lifelong commitments? Are each of you being truly honest with yourselves and each other? Can each of you accept the fact that, over time, things will change and you will not always feel and think the way you do now? These are but some of the questions you need to think about and talk about. One word answers won't do. You have to live the answers to these questions, not just say "yes" or "no".

 

The fact that you have had past breakups is not a good sign, but neither does it mean there is something inherently wrong. You may both be having commitment jitters that leads up to these breakups. This is not unusual, however, the inability to make and/or keep a commitment, for whatever reason, is undoubtedly the biggest reason why people don't stay together, sometimes for good reason. The lack of commitment is not a flaw or deficiency on anyone's part. Every one of us freely chooses - if - when - and for how long - we will make or keep a commitment. It's sad but true.

 

You two weren't "meant" to be together. Being and staying together as a couple is a choice. You and your lady need to have some heart-to-heart discussions about the future. If you both want to have futures that include marriage, children and such, but things don't settle out and you can't make some sort of commitment to each other within six months to a year, I'd say you've both made your best effort - but it's time to move on. You can only stay in limbo for so long.

 

Good Luck.

[velvet]

You sound so much like the person I'm dating. Everything you described is how he feels. I could be in a total state of bliss if I knew he wanted a r/s.

 

On one hand we're both in our early twenties and we both still feel because of our age there isn't any reason to settle. On the other hand I was told just today that at my age (25) if I wanted to start planning a family, now is the time. Good thing I've never wanted kids!

 

The way you described yourself on down to the surgery is like describing this guy I've grown to love more and more since we became friends ten years ago. We've dated on again, off again, fell in love, tore it down, built it up again and each time things look better and better. But than he tears away and I have to go through the heart mending process once again before we run back to each other.

 

It's just fear of commitment, fear of not meeting the person of your dreams if your already with someone. Yet, the other person may be thinking they have meet the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. You have to learn to talk to the other person without barriers, egos, or self-esteem issues. Like Tony had told me when you fall in love you should feel total freedom. If not you have some metal or emotional issues to deal with.

[witchbreed]

I can relate to your feelings. Deeply loving, being intensly attracted is wunderful on the one hand and VERY scary on the other. A lot might have to do with past history.

 

My bf and I have both been hurt in our pasts and we both fighted against this deep love we feel for each other. Actually my bf still more so then me, when he is low for whatever reason he starts to doubt my feelings.

 

We both had our reasons why we didnt want to really commit on an emotional level - only when your heart is really open to the other, the other can truly hurt you. And having been hurt, being happy is scary too - what if you loose again?

 

Anyway maybe you two can have a heart to heart to find out, what is scarying you, what you want and want you fear.

 

Also intense people tend to have more ups and downs, even though I dont really like the downs, I take them gladly for the ups. The concept of paradise always seemed boring and stale to me. Ups and downs help you to evolve too and that is a good thing to me.

 

Anyway I wish you luck.