Snooping - why?

[Ladyjane14]

Ah christ, I'm sorry LJ, I guess it's my own self-berating going on. This subject is probably too raw for me to be able to discuss it without taking things the wrong way. I'm not in a place where I can be objective enough to not project my own issues onto other people. I'm sorry.

 

Your posts have always helped me see things differently, I really value your wisdom and the way you're able to express it. Thank you, very much

 

I love what you say that I'm in a place now to iron out the deficiencies before serious commitment. That's a great thought. It gives me back some control.

 

No worries, doll.

 

Don't forget... you ARE in control. This is your life, and YOU are the one who decides what's okay and what's not okay in terms of how other people treat you.

 

It's natural to feel a bit wobbly after you've had what's tantamount to a 'relationship earthquake'. You can even expect to experience the 'aftershocks' and 'tremors' for awhile.

 

But at the end of the day, you've got to take stock of yourself and KNOW in complete confidence that you're a beautiful person. That guy's lucky to have you. If he's got any sense, he'll wake up and notice it.

 

And if he doesn't... HE is the one losing out.

[Ripples]

Aww, thank you so much LJ.

[Catharsis]

Snooping (getting in to my almost-MM's email account) ended three years of uncertainty, deceit, lying, and emotional turmoil for me. Read my story (link below). This guy made me believe that we both made a terrible mistake getting married to other people after we broke up in college. This guy - up until I found out what a sleazy liar he really is - had been the proverbial "perfect man" for me, to whom I compared everyone, and no one could come close. His W doesn't know about all his affairs and thinks she hit the jackpot landing such a "perfect man" who "loves her unconditionally" and is "adoring and faithful" to her. Funny how he always told me not so flattering things about her, and how he settled for her but would have rather been with me.

 

Anyways, I was cured instantly after reading all his mails to his W and the young women he works with who are half his and his W's age. I was not his special college sweetheart as I thought I was but just another sucker he was able to manipulate. Everybody in his community thinks he is the most wholesome, honest, honorable man, and I have to struggle with myself not to expose him for the lying scumbag he really is.

 

Snooping set me free, and I wish his W would do the same so she could see what a lie she is living with him.

[Rooster_DAR]

I posted many threads and posts on LS regarding this issue. I still maintaing that snooping is justifiable in certain cases, primarily where the is sufficient suspicioun, and lot's of red flags. The biggest reason, people will go to the ends of the earth to hide an affair and the S/O stands by in the background sometimes feeling the repurcussions of it. An affair is selfish to the point that the S/O will be left hanging on until either the affair is uncovered, or is experiencing a rollercoaster ride the the estranged partner, not to mention the possiblity of introducing STD's into the picture.

 

Several postitive things happen, such as the S/O can intervene (statistics show that intervention yields a better chance to salvage the relationship) or be able to make a jugement as to wheter they wish to leave or not. There are negative implications, but I think they are worth the risk considering what's a stake here(the S/O's sanity). From my experience, usually when someone feels like they need to snoop there are good reasons for it. There are a few damaged people out there who will snoop out of paranoia or control issues, but I don't think they are common.

 

Simple reason: Affairs can go on damaging lot's of people due to the fact they are so secretive, and heavily protected with lies and deceit.

That to me is a good enough reason to rationalize snooping.

 

Regards,

[Xhie]

I have very rarely snooped on a partner but when I have I did it with one and only one motivation:

 

I want to know if I need to run out and get STD tests. If I get the herp or worse because he could not keep his dick in his pants there will be hell to pay. Yes its wonderful to solve other problems and thereby save your relationship, but to me, when someone cheats, in addition to stepping all over my trust and love they are telling me that they do not care one flying **** about me because they would risk bringing back to me whatever the whore has.

 

That is unacceptable and it is something I need to know about.

[magichands]

If I get the herp or worse because he could not keep his dick in his pants there will be hell to pay.

I totally understand where you're coming from. But there is no cure for herpes. Cutting off his dick is worth a try, though. Keep an ice bucket handy, because he might look kind of cute in agony.