He Wants To Date Me Again?

[aly]

He wants to "DATE" me again??

Heres the history: We have been in a relationship since last August. All was well. He even flew me up (from TX to NJ) w/ him to spend the holidays w/ his family...thankgvg & c-mas! This whole time he never said "I love you", never-not once! Now, most girls would be out the door after a couple of months. Me, I kept hanging on....faith. About a month later he told me he wanted to see other people. Yes, it hurt me really bad & I had lost all hope, but I was 80% over it & started going out on dinner dates myself w/ other men. Well, @ 2weeks ago, he had been really wanting my attention by calling me asking me on dates, & I accept (b/c I do miss him ;( ) as we do still have a lot of feelings for each other. It was ok with me, except for the fact it was akward not being at the level of touching or holding hands, just a short kiss and a hug goodby was all. Well, just this past week he invited me to dinner again, I went. He told me he had some news to share and ordered us a glass of wine. We sat down at the table and he told me that he won a trip thru his company to the romantic Carmel Valley, CA and yes Im the woman he wants to take....convertable rides on the hillside by the ocean, the spa treatments, dinners, and wine tours...OH! how lovely!. I said yes. Seems as if the story will end with a good ending...he comes back for the girl and they are happy ever after....not so! The real truth is I hurt so much b/c he doesn't love me! Its funny how none of the other "stuff" matters(convertable rides on the hillside by the ocean, the spa treatments, dinners, and wine tours).....if love isn't there then being with him feels so empty, so pointless, it drains me-whats left in my soul and what I have to offer. How could I not be good enough for him to love me? But, I am! Is he scared to say I love you....b/c hes still looking for that perfect girl? The trip is 3 weeks away, during those 3 weeks we will date only. do I give him a chance? tell him how I feel? do I see how things go and then decide after the trip if I want to keep seeing him? maybe then he might tell me he loves me. or maybe Im just a woman to pacify him until he finds the right one. But, I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve. I deserve some one to love me and someone who wants to be with me and only me. HELP!

[Tony T]

So how do you know he doesn't love you? Frankly, I think love that happens real fast is not so secure and a pretty cheap grade. Love that develops over a period of time is so much better...like good wine....and lasts so much longer.

 

If I were you, I'd want a guy to wait until he REALLY meant "I love you" than for a guy to just blurt it out because he knows that's what's going to make you feel good. I'd prefer someone who is very sincere and waits until he can really mean it to say those words.

 

It sounds like this guy is headed in that direction. It sounds very much like he is extremely fond of you and is falling in love with you. Why in heaven's name would you want to rush something so great???

 

We live in an age where everybody has got to have everything 'RIGHT NOW". We have to have instant everything. We don't want to go to restaurants and wait for our food to be prepared....we go to fast food joints where it's already made up and have quickly become the most obese nation in the world as a result.

 

You ought to be thanking your lucky stars that you've FINALLY found a very sincere guy who really means what he says and doesn't say it if he doesn't mean it.

 

Now, I will agree with you that if you get to the six to eight month part of your relationship that if he hasn't said something to the effect that he loves you in some way then it may be time to move on.

 

You also may need to talk to him. Let him know how you feel. See just where he is with all this. Granted, he may be one of these guys who is not so expressive. If that's the case, I promise you he will become so rapidly if you threaten to leave him. But don't rush him quite yet. The two of you haven't been seeing each other long enough to call the question.

 

For you to try to rush somebody's love this way is irrational, unreasonable and downright destructive to yourself. You are cruising for some real hurt by seeking people to fall in love with you so fast.

 

If men in the past have told you they loved you after knowing you a month or so, they were infatuated in a fashion or extremely needy. There is no way they could have gotten to know you well enough in that time to know if they really loved you or not.

 

If you build a house quickly, it will surely fall quickly. If you take your time and make sure the foundation is solid, it will last forever. Which house do you prefer.

 

Go on this trip...and be the person that he can love. Get to know each other better and better. Don't worry about the words quite yet. Make sure he treats you kindly.

 

Maybe he's in a much different place than you are and not as needy as yourself. A person who is emotionally healthy will take a bit longer to fall in love than someone who needs another person to cling to.

 

Give him...and yourself...a break!!!

[aly]

Wow, Tony! Im sitting here all teary! Thank you for those words! I will go on the trip and be the person he can love, he will treat me kindly I know he will! It seems as if my friends eat a lot of fast food these days (& yep...Im guilty, too)! I was really feeling bad. Your advice has pointed me in a good direction! I can wait! He is worth it! I have faith, hope, and love!

[Angel]

I think you should go with your gut instinct. I don't think he loves you either---be good to yourself. Don't go on the trip if he doesn't show or say that he loves you. Move on, although Tony might be right (and I hope he is) from my experience, men who have difficulty saying I love you, really don't love you and although you don't say how long you've been with him it sounds like a substantial amount of time. Good luck, but remain steadfast in your convictions.

[BeReal]

I would think he would wait until you are seeing each other exclusively for a bit before he says "I Love You". How can he say that when he is dating other people too?

[velvet]

There is a big difference btw men and women. Men don't want to settle into a r/s unless their at an age where they feel it is very necessary or because they think they could miss the women of their dreams or that perfect women while seeing you! They don't want to miss out.

 

I hope the trip will be as romantic as you can dream it to be. However, if you feel let down once your there and he doesn't seem to share himself with you than just enjoy your free trip.