What to do?

[ME]

I met this girl through work, and immedietly realized that i had feelings for her. To my delight I found out shortly after i met her that she too shared the same feelings. Being the shy person that I am, and her beng the same way, we avoided the situatation. Anyway, long story short, we started seeing each other, just hanging out, going to dinner, basically just spending time together. Everything was going good, we were becoming more comfortable with each other every day.

 

One night we talked, and we had made it clear that we were both ready to become an exclusive couple, and we both seemed happy about it.

 

A few days later she appraoched me and said that we needed to talk about some things. She told me that she wasn't sure she wanted a serious relatonship, because she wasn't sure she was ready. Now she has been in realtionships before, and know that some of them were serious, and others weren't, so i really coudn't understand her dilema.

 

Not being one to give up without trying, i felt that i needed to understand her problem a little better, so that i could accept her decision. She told me that her last boyfriend had hurt her, and she aso said that when she finished with him, she wasn't sure she could be with anyone else.

 

To me this sounds like she is afraid. Like she is afraid to get into a relationship, because she doesn't want to be hurt. Am I wrong in assuming this, am I just trying to make myself feel better? Is that something i can do? Should i give her space, and let her figure it out, or do i try to help her understand that I am not her ex-boyfriend, and won't hurt her?

 

Any help would be appreciated, as you can probably tell, this girl means a lot to me.

[Tony T]

You gotta be very cool about things like this. The very second she told you she didn't know if she was ready for a serious relationship, you should have told her that was fine...and the two of you could continue dating and having fun. Not only would that have been music to her ears but she would have been much more relaxed and eager to HAVE a relationship with you at the next opportunity.

 

I don't think this lady is completely over her last relationship and fear certainly may be part of the picture. There is, however, a chance that she gave it more thought after the two of you committed to each other and decided maybe she had made a mistake in this particular case.

 

Not to worry. Don't even try to analyze this. Don't worry about her reasons or motives.

 

You now have to make her want you like no other. Back offf slightly...but continue to be nice to her...and give her some space. Don't be as romantic as before but by all means show her you care. Do so intermittently.

 

I don't know how many times I have written this in this forum but there is absolutely nothing in the universe that drives a person more wild about another than a challenge. You have to present her with a challenge. Start being unpredictable. Stop phoning her on a particular schedule....some days don't call at all. When she phones, don't always return her calls right away...sometimes call when you get the message, sometimes wait some hours...sometimes wait a day.

 

If she emails you, don't send a reply right away....wait a while. I've seen ladies write about this stuff here in the forum and it drives them completely nuts.

 

You have to do this challenge thing with precision and masterful timing but if you do she will be yours forever. You will have to do this for a period of time until she goes so wild she comes to you and begs to get serious again. Even then, if you want to keep her you can't start kissing her butt. Continue being unpredictable in whatever ways you can.

 

This, my friend, is a piece of cake. Follow my easy directions and you will have her eating out of your hand. There is absolutely nothing that drives a woman more wild, even about someone who is basically undesireable otherwise, than to encounter a guy who is mysterious, aloof, and unpredictable.

 

If, indeed, she is still healing from her earlier relationship do give her some time. Use your own head about the timing of all this. You may want to wait a month or so before you start your challenge routine. But the very worst thing you can do is let her know you are upset about her attitude right now. The more you seem OK with what's going on, the more attractive you will become to her.

 

Trust me!!!

[velvet]

Tony gave you good piece of advice. NO Pressure!

 

Besides, you work with the gal. You have plenty of time to move in slowly.

 

Ask to buy her lunch in a FEW weeks! At that time you can catch up with what shes been up to.

[TriGirl]

I just read your reply to ME in the last post. Would that work for guys also?? I mean, being unpredictable etc...how long would I have to be such a challenge? HE has such an unpredictable schedule that even he doesn't know when he'll be in town from one day to the next...but now we'll both be in the same town.

 

I am the one who breaks down and does the calling or emailing when I want to hear from him...

 

I certainly would like to become a challenge, but I have always been straightforward and worn my heart on my sleeve, for him...which is unusual for me. Plus, he knows how crazy I feel about him anyway. Would it backfire if he and I are used to making love all the time (when we're together) and all of a sudden, I want to back off in terms of contact frequency etc..??

[Ed]

You said,

"He has such an unpredictable schedule that even he doesn't know when he'll be in town from one day to the next"

 

Based on Tony's strategy of being unpredictable, I would have to say that this man is probably totally in love with himself.

[Tony T]

In order to be a challenge you have to enlist your intuitive skills and use your head and your heart. Sex should never, ever be on a set schedule anyway. It sounds like it's almost a mechanical thing in your relationship.

 

If he is so hard to peg down, why are you rewarding him with sex to order???

 

Your problem here is not so much being a challenge because he's not around much. The problem is you reward his conduct by making things so peachy keen when he decides he wants to come around after you ask.

 

STOP calling him. STOP initiating all your dates. If you never hear from him again, it will be his loss not yours. Right now, what you're having to do sucks. No woman should have to chase a man around like this.

 

If I were you I would tell him just how uncomfortable you are with this arrangement and let him know it doesn't make you feel very special that you are having to orchestrate this entire relationship. Love will not last under those circumstances.

 

Frankly, this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship anyway. There is no human way you could be happy with this unless you have some sort of psychological dynamic that requires you to be with men who are not always available. Maybe it's the challenge, unavailability thing about him that has you excited.

 

To be a challenge, you have to be unpredictable, not take all calls, return calls late, not be home sometimes, not return email right away, etc. etc. In your case, the nature of the relationship makes some things difficult because you have to make yourself available in the rare cases that he is in town.

 

I think you ought to review this whole thing. It doesn't sound like you're happy or fulfilled. Is this something you want many years of? Will he always be traveling?