How does friends with benefits work?

[Douglas1999]

For those of you who called me a jerk, think what you want, maybe I am but I think the only jerk thing I did was to think I could have FWB without the drama. I know there are two sides to every story but honestly I had a talk with this woman up front. She is the one who approached me, I never really thought of her as anything other than someone I worked with. She started flirting with me and inviting me over to her house. I liked the attention as I was in a relationship that ended about 8 months ago and my ex ripped my heart out. SHe lied and cheated on me so maybe I do have a little anger towards women. I definitely don't want a relationship right now and with this woman I"ve never felt the "spark" that you feel when you really want to be with someone. She is a nice person but we just don't "click".

 

I should have never gotten involved in the benefits part but I was missing sex and here is this woman who straight up told me she just wanted to mess around, no strings attached. I should have known better. We've actually only had sex about six times and at first she kept her word- no strings attached. We were actually becoming friends and I enjoyed talking to her. Almost EVERY SINGLE TIME I've seen her I remind her that we are NOT dating and she agrees. I've told her I dont' EVER want a relationship with her and that I don't want a relationship with anyone else right now for that matter (too busy with college and work). I don't think I"ve ever led her on, I don't give her compliments, I don't take her out, I"ve never paid for anything, I've never even asked her to hang out with me. She is the one who intiates all of the contact. I used to call her back if she called me but I dont' anymore.

 

I think I would be classified as a jerk if I had led her on by making her think that I was interested in dating her and telling her eveyrthing she wants to hear, or complimenting her or taking her out just so I could get laid. I know many guys who will just do and say whatever the girl wants to hear just so they can get in their pants and then bam the chase is over they move on. I think it would be more cruel to lead her on and make her believe that there is a possible relationship in our future if I just get to know her better in order to have sex with her. But I was the opposite I told her I wasn't interested didn't want any strings, just wanted sex, wasn't going to meet her friends or take her out. I told her all this UP FRONT!!! She agreed to it. Said she wanted the same thing. Well she may have changed but I didn't.

 

So I don't do anything that I would normaly do in a relationship for that very reason- I dont' want to lead her on! When other women friends (no benefits) ask me to go out I do and if my FWB woman asks I tell her about it. She wonders why I don't take her out and I"ve told her that I dont want her to get too attached. My other female friends are just that- friends and arent' pursuing a relationship. My FWB woman wants me to meet her family, friends, tries to get me to go out or hang out with EVERY single weekend, calls me almost every day or texts me (to which I rarely respond), stops me at work to talk, invites me places with her, tries to cook me dinner (I dont' eat it- I always make sure I eat before I saw her), writes me notes about drama that she creates and gets upset if I am at her house and answer my cell and its another girl (friend). So maybe I am a jerk because basically I am treating this woman like a booty call but I'm not mean about it. She AGREED TO THIS. She told me up front she wasn't interested in a relationship. SHE LIED. Either that or she was fooling herself.

 

For those of you who say not to ignore her, I have not seen her in 3 weeks. I haven't slept with her in over a month. In three weeks I have actually called her back twice. 2 times thats it. But she keeps calling- EVERY DAY. On the weekends (when I am in town) she will text, call about every 3 or four hours. I tell her up front I am NOT going to see her. She doens't care. She still calls, texts me asking me to do things with her. She makes plans for "us" and then tells me "oh we are going to my friend's birthday dinner tonight" and I'll say no I"m not going Im too busy and she gets all upset and cries. So I have told her that there is no chance in hell of us dating, that I"m not interested. I"ve tried to let her down easy, she hasn't done anything to deserve being hurt. I wish I could just be mean and hurtful and tell her look I would never date you, I'm interested in someone else, leave me alone.

 

But I do "care" about her as in I don't want to make her feel horrible. I'm just trying to figure out how to get away from her with the least possible damage. She is a nice person but way too clingy, needy to ever be in a FWB. if I had been friends with her first then i woudl have known this. I've learned from her friends (some friends!) that she basically gets very attached to men who pay attention to her (and even those who dont') and she basically becomes a stalker. There was a guy she was just friends wtih adn she bothered him for five years!! He wasn't interested in her and used to make fun of her but she kept calling him, stopping at his work to see him etc. So hopefully she meets someone else and moves her obsession to him!!

[crazy_grl]

Noclobber, I remember your story, and as far as I can recall, I don't think I called you a jerk or said anything bad about you or what you did. I remember feeling bad for you and a bit appalled at the woman's behavior, because she was sending such mixed messages and seemed to be leading you on. IMO, she really should have told you about her boyfriend. If I said anything to the contrary before (which I don't think I did, because I didn't comment much on your story), then I eat my words from back then.

 

I can't speak for why other people called you a hypocrite and yelled at you. Maybe the reason people see it differently is because people tend to think of men as being scheming and plotting for sex without having feelings and women being driven by their feelings. The way I see your situation, you didn't really do anything wrong to her. You wronged yourself much more than her by not knowing what you could and couldn't handle (or maybe convincing yourself you could handle more than you knew you could).

 

Why isn't anyone yelling at that woman or calling her a hypocrite because she feigned a friendship with him while having a secret agenda? Why is it okay for a woman to develop feelings for a guy but it's almost like a sin if a guy does the same? Why are you not telling that that woman is a b*tch that tried to get more out of this guy even though he clearly stated where he stood in the relationship?

 

The reason I didn't say anything critical about her actions was that she's not the one asking for advice. If she were here, I'd ask her whether she started the FWB with the intent to have a relationship or whether she had really wanted FWB and happened to develop feelings (if she has them, which isn't known as a fact). If she said she started it wanting a relationship, I'd let her know how dishonest and unfair that was. I'd tell her that she should expect what she got and to just forget him and move on. If the case was that she developed feelings as things went on, I'd tell her to use this as a learning experience. That she should either not do FWB or she should learn to seperate her feelings from sex. And most importantly, I'd tell her she should communicate with the guy and tell him that she's developing feelings when she knows she's developing them, so she'll know whether they're reciprocated before she lets them develop further.

 

If she didn't have feelings for him and was just wondering why her FWB flipped out on her and started ignoring her just because she's doing nice things for him, I'd tell her to either forget him or just ask him. That not doing so is only prolonging the drama.

 

How harsh of language I would use would depend on her tone. If she seemed to be hurting, I'd be gentler. If she came in calling the guy all kinds of names and acting like she was an innocent victim, then I'd be a little harsher. The OP got the harsher treatment because was bad-mouthing her and calling her psycho.

[crazy_grl]

Douglas, have you asked her how she feels about this and what she wants? Have you sat down and had an actual discussion about it?

 

The reason you seem like a jerk to me is that you're basing all this negative stuff about her on assumptions. Also, saying you don't want a relationship every time you see her and telling her that you're busy all the time isn't addressing the situation. That's avoiding it. The fact that you don't realize you're avoiding the situation and blaming it all on her being 'psycho' makes you look bad. I'll agree that you could have handled things a lot worse. You could have lied to her and made her think you wanted a relationship, and I do give you credit for that.

 

If she's a needy person who latches onto guys like you say she does, I'll bet she has low self-esteem. The way you're acting can drive her self-esteem lower and cause her to look to you for validation. It's probably the way most guys would handle the situation, but that doesn't make it the best way to handle it. It might also be the quickest way to get rid of someone who's causing you some headache, but I think that if you just treated her like she was a friend, the situation will end more positively for both of you and you could help her feel better about herself. Maybe it'll take a little longer and a little more effort, but I think it's the more manly thing to.

[noclobber]

Thank you crazy_grl

 

I appreciate your mature response.

 

I can't speak for why other people called you a hypocrite and yelled at you.

 

Well I don't want to give out their profile names but rest assured that I was called a liar, hypocrite etc.

 

Maybe the reason people see it differently is because people tend to think of men as being scheming and plotting for sex without having feelings and women being driven by their feelings.

 

If the case was that she developed feelings as things went on,

 

 

That's spot on. As soon as women learn about a situation where a guy says he has feelings for his female friend accusations are immediately thrown. Everybody jumps on the poor guy and say demeaning statements like "You betrayed her. You pretended to be her friend while you were plotting to get into her pants. You used her friendship for something else".... I seriously don't understand why is it so wrong for a guy to develop feelings for a girl that happens to be his friend. I don't think I can just meet a woman and immediately get those feelings or get the feeling to ask her out. There is a good chance for those wonderful feelings to develop as I get to know her.

 

It looks like in this country sex comes before everything else and is the paramount factor. If a guy and a girl do not start their relationship in "that way" then they can never become a couple. Honestly is sex the only thing between a boyfriend and a girlfriend??? Can't there be other things like feelings, emotions, caring, trusting each other etc.... I have been hurt so badly and almost brainwashed to the point where I now believe that if a girl doesn't give sex then the guy is being played. You can see this in my other posts as well.

[monkey00]

Everybody jumps on the poor guy and say demeaning statements like "You betrayed her. You pretended to be her friend while you were plotting to get into her pants. You used her friendship for something else".... I seriously don't understand why is it so wrong for a guy to develop feelings for a girl that happens to be his friend. I don't think I can just meet a woman and immediately get those feelings or get the feeling to ask her out. There is a good chance for those wonderful feelings to develop as I get to know her.

 

 

It's more based on the misconception that men are just after sex. By all means there are many women out there who do one night stands as well and are into the 'just sex' scene.

 

However it's not as common for a girl as it is for a guy to stick around the opposite sex in hopes that they'll become a couple one day. In most cases if the guy isnt into the girl (but she is)... the girl will either move on, or wait for the guy to make his move.

[Mary3]

You said " She's not my girlfriend " but you had no problem pulling her panties down and giving her the Johnson . She did what many FWB participants do : she developed feelings. Have the good sense to tell her its over because you want to chill with other chicks.

 

Be straight up about this .

[Guest]

It's more based on the misconception that men are just after sex. By all means there are many women out there who do one night stands as well and are into the 'just sex' scene.

 

However it's not as common for a girl as it is for a guy to stick around the opposite sex in hopes that they'll become a couple one day. In most cases if the guy isn't into the girl (but she is)... the girl will either move on, or wait for the guy to make his move.

 

Really? Most women/girls I know who say they do one night stands are actually kidding themselves and pretty self-destructive. It's plain chemistry thing where men have 90% lust hormone (testosterone) and 10% love hormone (can't remember the name) when having sex while women have about 50% of each (well, the female lust hormone that is).

 

In other words, if OP's FWB meant for it to be only casual sex (actually I wouldn't call it FWB. To me FWB is really good friends 'pleasing' each other but not wanting a romantic relationship. I've told my best friend that when we make love I get more and more romantically attached and we therefore stopped that part of our relationship.), the more the slept together, the more attached she felt. Bound to be. OP should respect she didn't mean for it to happen but will now be unable to revert back to casual and he should therefore tell her that the sex is over for her benefit as well as his.

[Douglas1999]

Crazy grl and others thank you for your advice.

I am trying to cool things off and just end things on a friends note with her but it is becoming difficult. For example this weekend I went out to dinner with my best gal pal and stayed at her house the whole weekend (no benefits we are just best buddies). I told FWB girl that I was going to busy ALL weekend and wouldn't see her.

 

I told her this on Friday when she called me and started all this drama about how she felt I was ignoring her and that one of her friends thought we were dating. I told her no I have no problem with her I'm just not interested in seeing her this weekend. She asked me to go to a party with her next weekend and I agreed because I thought it would shut her up.

 

Well she went on to tell me that when I ignore her phone calls and dont' respond to her text messages right away she feels hurt and like I am not being "a good friend" she said htat I am disrespecting her. I told her that if I tell her ahead of time that I am BUSY all weekend then I am warning her I will not be in contact with her at all so it will be easier on herself if she doesn't call or text me then she won't feel ignored when I don't respond.

 

I todl her she is NOT my girlfriend and I have NO obligation to respond to her especially if I am busy. She says I should be able to take a few minutes anytime to call her back. That is not going to happen. So after I told her I was busy on friday she hung up the phone crying and I felt really bad but soon was having a good time with my gal pal so I let it go. On saturday my best gal friend went otu with some friends and I stayed at her house to get my home work done. FWB girl called me to ask me to come over. I ignored her message.

 

On sunday FWB called (I was still at gal pal's house) and I didn't call her back. She wanted me to come over (after I already told her on friday NO!) I ignored her texts and calls and she finally left a long message about she needed to talk about her living situation. (she needs to move) She sounded very sad and like she really needed a friend to talk to so I called her back. (sucker) She wanted advice and I told her I couldn't help her because I"ve never bought a house and she should call one of her friends for advice.

 

She said she wanted me to come over because she needed someone to talk to. I told her no it was too late and she argued that I'd come over later than this before. I told her NO again adn started to get mad because it seems like this girl doesn't listen!!! I flipped out of her and yelled at her to leave me alone that she is driving me CRAZY!!! I didn't mean to flip out but I just snapped. Well she hung up on me and I felt better.

 

She called back and I didn't answer but her message, she was crying and saying I didn't respect her (duh) and why was I so mad at her. So I took the bait and called her back. I was on the phone with her for 2 hours!!! I tried to explain to her that if I tell her ahead of time I"m busy all weekend that means do NOT bother me, I won't call you back.

 

I told her this and she said that I was leading her on because I had told her that I felt left otu that she didn't invite me to go more places or invite me over. I swear I NEVER said this. FIrst of all I"ve NEVER gone on a date wtih her and honestly don't plan on it except for this party she invited me to next weekend (and I think I'm cancelling that) and I would never tell her that i feel left out of anything. But she swears I said this nad blames the reason for her "stalking" me on me saying this.

 

I told her sorry if she thougth I misled her but I don't care if I go anywhere with her. I told her that she is NOT to call me to ask me to do anything or to come over. If I want to see her (which I dont') I will ask her. She didn't like this idea but I told her this is how it is going to be so she doesn't feel rejected (by asking me to do things all the time and me saying no)

 

She kept going on and on about how she doesn't understand why I am treating her this way and that I treat her so badly and I told her well this is the way I am I am not going to change so I totally understand if you don't want to see me anymore (hoping she'd end it) but no such luck. She kept me on the phone for 2 hours (which is what she wanted) my gal pal told me I was rewarding her bad behavior (she starts drama and i respond) so she will do this all the time to get my attention.

 

I told her over and over that I will NEVER have a relationship with her and even though she says she doesn't want that her actions speak differently. She tried to assure me she has NO feelings for me and only wants to be FWB but if that is the case why is she creating all this unecessary drama? She wants to know exactly what I am doing that I am so busy I can't see her and I told her it shouldnt matter.

 

Its just that I am busy adn don't have to explain anything to her. I've tried being honest with her- I told her how I felt about my ex (loved her, would do anything for her, respected her) and told FWB girl that I will NEVER feel that way about her or treat her like I treated my ex. I mean I am basically treateing this girl like garbage and she puts up with it!! I don't mean to be such a horrible person, I've tried ending it, tried just easing away from her, tried to honestly be her friend (without the benefits) and she is still needy, clingy, obsessive, and won't leave me alone or back off.

[monkey00]

You just dug your grave deeper my friend.

 

I think you know what neeeds to be done. Cut contact completely, dont read or respond to her texts, dont pick up the phone. Set your phone to block her # if you must.

 

You feel guilty about the situation and being a d!ck, but she went way over her head and expected too much from you. Just ignore her from now on, NC is the second best solution if communication doesnt work.

[crazy_grl]

Douglas, I commend your effort to be considerate of this girls feelings. I can think of different ways to have dealt with the situation, but it does seem like you're trying your best.

 

I personally would have called her up and asked her to meet somewhere to talk so that the conversation would at least start without one of you being upset at the other. A public place (one that's not too public) might work best because it'll keep the conversation shorter and (hopefully) she won't get as dramatic. A park or something would be good since it's fairly secluded but still public.

 

The way I dealt with my ex who wouldn't leave me alone was to explain to him that I did want to be his friend, but that I could see it wasn't benefitting either of us to try to remain friends just then. I tried being his friend for about a year after he broke up with me, but it just wasn't working. I tried to explain it so that he realized that it was as much for his benefit as mine, because he was distressing me and I could see he wasn't really moving on. Then I told him we shouldn't talk anymore for awhile. After that, he hardly ever called. When he did, I just ignored him, mostly because I was sick of talking to him, and didn't want to listen to him be depressing and trying to make me feel guilty anymore. I did answer one call after a few months. It went well, but then he sent me a mopey message like he used to, and I decided not to answer him anymore.

 

He stopped bothering me, being mopey, and trying to guilt me into talking to him after I was firm with him about NC and explained to him the reason. And I don't feel that bad about not answering his calls, because he knows exactly why I dont' want to talk to him. Hopefully he's gotten over it and has used what I expressed to him in our talk to improve himself.

[noclobber]

God I am feeling so sorry for the FWB girl. She had no idea what she was getting into when this whole thing started.

 

Douglas please don't be harsh with this woman. She didn't expect to develop feelings for you. It is not right to punish someone because they develop feelings.

 

Having said that please understand that I am not blaming you.. at all. You were very clear when you started this FWB arrangement. However things did not go the way you wanted to. She ended up developing deep feelings for you.

 

This is what I would do if I were you. Be thankful for the good times and let her go. The way you have to let her go is not by avoiding her text messages and phone calls but to meet her in person and have a face to face conversation. You need to clearly tell her that you can't see her in that way now and in the future. It will be harsh but that's probably the best thing you can do for this girl. If you continue to ignore her phone calls or text messages she will only cling on to you harder and harder. Save the girl and yourself from further heart-ache and cut the cord by having a dialogue.

 

I am just being curious... I cannot understand why you don't want this girl as your girlfriend. She must be attractive (otherwise you wouldn't sleep with her), she must be a good person (otherwise you wouldn't be her friend) and she seems to like you a lot. To me this is an ideal package. Even if I didn't like the girl in the beginning my feelings would change if I see how interested she is in me. But that's just me.

[moman]

Douglas - you have the patience of a saint. This girl sounds like a total basketcase and I think you should even go dirty and tell her that you have no feelings for her and furthermore she sucks in bed and is fat. I hate to be a mean jerk but jesus christ she doesn't seem to take a hint without you beating it into her head (and I do NOT condone violence).

 

The girl I was in a FWB deal with has finally left me alone. She was very witty and fun to talk to on text messages but one night I was bored and invited her to grab a bite and a beer at a restaurant because I didn't have anyone else to invite. BAD IDEA. See, she's a super nice girl and we had a great time but I happened to tell her about a girl I'm dating and interested in who sends me text messages like "I miss you", "wish you were here", "do you miss me?", etc.....well low and behold this FWB girl sent me a text message a couple days later saying "I bet you miss me" and I replied "No I do not and never will but nice try" and that was the end of it. She hasn't bothered me since. Was it mean? I don't know, but where the hell does she get off trying to emulate a girl who I obviously do have an emotional attachment with?

 

You need to go dirty on this girl and get her off your back. She sounds like one major psycho.

[Mary3]

Crazy grl and others thank you for your advice.

I am trying to cool things off and just end things on a friends note with her but it is becoming difficult. For example this weekend I went out to dinner with my best gal pal and stayed at her house the whole weekend (no benefits we are just best buddies). I told FWB girl that I was going to busy ALL weekend and wouldn't see her.

 

I told her this on Friday when she called me and started all this drama about how she felt I was ignoring her and that one of her friends thought we were dating. I told her no I have no problem with her I'm just not interested in seeing her this weekend. She asked me to go to a party with her next weekend and I agreed because I thought it would shut her up.

 

Well she went on to tell me that when I ignore her phone calls and dont' respond to her text messages right away she feels hurt and like I am not being "a good friend" she said htat I am disrespecting her. I told her that if I tell her ahead of time that I am BUSY all weekend then I am warning her I will not be in contact with her at all so it will be easier on herself if she doesn't call or text me then she won't feel ignored when I don't respond.

 

I todl her she is NOT my girlfriend and I have NO obligation to respond to her especially if I am busy. She says I should be able to take a few minutes anytime to call her back. That is not going to happen. So after I told her I was busy on friday she hung up the phone crying and I felt really bad but soon was having a good time with my gal pal so I let it go. On saturday my best gal friend went otu with some friends and I stayed at her house to get my home work done. FWB girl called me to ask me to come over. I ignored her message.

 

On sunday FWB called (I was still at gal pal's house) and I didn't call her back. She wanted me to come over (after I already told her on friday NO!) I ignored her texts and calls and she finally left a long message about she needed to talk about her living situation. (she needs to move) She sounded very sad and like she really needed a friend to talk to so I called her back. (sucker) She wanted advice and I told her I couldn't help her because I"ve never bought a house and she should call one of her friends for advice.

 

She said she wanted me to come over because she needed someone to talk to. I told her no it was too late and she argued that I'd come over later than this before. I told her NO again adn started to get mad because it seems like this girl doesn't listen!!! I flipped out of her and yelled at her to leave me alone that she is driving me CRAZY!!! I didn't mean to flip out but I just snapped. Well she hung up on me and I felt better.

 

She called back and I didn't answer but her message, she was crying and saying I didn't respect her (duh) and why was I so mad at her. So I took the bait and called her back. I was on the phone with her for 2 hours!!! I tried to explain to her that if I tell her ahead of time I"m busy all weekend that means do NOT bother me, I won't call you back.

 

I told her this and she said that I was leading her on because I had told her that I felt left otu that she didn't invite me to go more places or invite me over. I swear I NEVER said this. FIrst of all I"ve NEVER gone on a date wtih her and honestly don't plan on it except for this party she invited me to next weekend (and I think I'm cancelling that) and I would never tell her that i feel left out of anything. But she swears I said this nad blames the reason for her "stalking" me on me saying this.

 

I told her sorry if she thougth I misled her but I don't care if I go anywhere with her. I told her that she is NOT to call me to ask me to do anything or to come over. If I want to see her (which I dont') I will ask her. She didn't like this idea but I told her this is how it is going to be so she doesn't feel rejected (by asking me to do things all the time and me saying no)

 

She kept going on and on about how she doesn't understand why I am treating her this way and that I treat her so badly and I told her well this is the way I am I am not going to change so I totally understand if you don't want to see me anymore (hoping she'd end it) but no such luck. She kept me on the phone for 2 hours (which is what she wanted) my gal pal told me I was rewarding her bad behavior (she starts drama and i respond) so she will do this all the time to get my attention.

 

I told her over and over that I will NEVER have a relationship with her and even though she says she doesn't want that her actions speak differently. She tried to assure me she has NO feelings for me and only wants to be FWB but if that is the case why is she creating all this unecessary drama? She wants to know exactly what I am doing that I am so busy I can't see her and I told her it shouldnt matter.

 

Its just that I am busy adn don't have to explain anything to her. I've tried being honest with her- I told her how I felt about my ex (loved her, would do anything for her, respected her) and told FWB girl that I will NEVER feel that way about her or treat her like I treated my ex. I mean I am basically treateing this girl like garbage and she puts up with it!! I don't mean to be such a horrible person, I've tried ending it, tried just easing away from her, tried to honestly be her friend (without the benefits) and she is still needy, clingy, obsessive, and won't leave me alone or back off.

 

Look I know you think penis stimuli = gratification , at least on your end. But this girl has developed feelings. You are being cruel to this girl. Take her out and shoot her as if she broke a leg . Do something. I think you wanted the treats but forgot to leave money on the counter. Either way , tell her its OVER and STOP having sex with her. She cannot seperate sex from feelings. YOU can OBVIOUSLY as you think she is a pain in the butt. I bet she wasn't a pain when you were sexxxing her. I dont feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that this lonely troubled girl cannot let you go.

 

Help her along . NC all the way.

 

She deserves BETTER than you jerking her chain.

[Douglas1999]

I am just being curious... I cannot understand why you don't want this girl as your girlfriend. She must be attractive (otherwise you wouldn't sleep with her), she must be a good person (otherwise you wouldn't be her friend) and she seems to like you a lot. To me this is an ideal package. Even if I didn't like the girl in the beginning my feelings would change if I see how interested she is in me. But that's just me.

 

 

 

I don't want this woman as a girlfriend because #1 I dont have time for a relationship. I am working full time and back in college to get my bachelor's degree. I also have family obligations (grandmother had a stroke) and I basically live out of a suitcase because where I go to work and where I go to school is almost two hours apart.

 

I also keep in contact with friends and weekends are spent doing tons of homework. So no time for a girlfriend. Also a woman doens't have to be attractive to have sex with. I am attracted sexually to women not just based on their looks but their personality and this girl really came on to me and I found that attractive.

 

This woman is not considered attractive by most guys- probably the reason she is so clingy when a guy does pay attention to her) so she's not really someone I would see on the street and say she's cute. She was a nice person though (I say was because her personality has totally changed directions!) #2 I just don't have ANY feelings for her.

 

I know that sounds harsh but its true. I wouldnt' miss her if she stopped talking to me, and I don't think about her when she's not around. I just have never felt a spark or any interest in her. I know that feelings can take time to develop but with all of my exes eventually I felt something special for htem and with this woman its just indifference.

 

She doesn't have any qualities that I particularly like. At first I enjoyed her company as a friend and the flirting and attention and I never thought it woudl lead to sex but it did. I hadnt' gotten any in several months so I thought what the hell.

 

I didn't deliberately mislead her- before we slept together I told her I wasn't looking for anything serious- and she suggested FWB. she assured me that is all she wanted. If she fell for me then thats her fault, I haven't led her on.

 

I've tried to talk sense into her and tell her that we are better off not talking at all because I know she has feelings for me. SHe denies that she feels anything and says no this is fine with her. How can being used by a guy who cares nothing for you and doesn't do anything nice for you be fine for a woman?? I just don't understand it.

 

So I've tried being mean- I mean I constantly tell FWB woman that I don't have time to see her, I have NEVER taken her out on a date, I won't eat her cooking or accept anythign nice that she tries to do for me yet I tell her when I take my best gal pal out for dinner (this weekend) or how I hang out with my friends, or I bought one of the hot girls I work with flowers because it was her birthday.

 

So if FWB girl is comparing my actions with everyone else to how I act towards her she should see that I'm not interested in her. I feel bad for doing this to her but she won't go away. I've had SO many talks with her about how this is not working and I dont' want to do this and she will say ok then just call with more drama. I feel like I've made my bed so I should lay in it so I feel obligated to talk to her when she gets upset. I'm just going to have to find another job so i can get away from this woman.

[amaysngrace]

I think she's nuts. I wouldn't even bother taking her call and trying to talk her through this unless you've got a PhD.

 

She needs a pro. Nothing you say to her is going to change her mental state of mind. If anything, she's coming to depend on you in another way now.

 

RUN Forrest, RUN!

[lindya]

I've tried to talk sense into her and tell her that we are better off not talking at all because I know she has feelings for me. SHe denies that she feels anything and says no this is fine with her. How can being used by a guy who cares nothing for you and doesn't do anything nice for you be fine for a woman?? I just don't understand it.

 

It's all just speculation, of course, but maybe when she tells you "I don't feel anything....just being used for sex and not being treated as a girlfriend is fine by me..." what she's actually doing is trying to convince herself that she's cool with all that.

 

If she's got a core belief that she's nothing special (and the way you describe her, perhaps that's the message other people keep giving) then perhaps her idea of personal growth involves just learning to accept that she really doesn't matter,

 

If so, might that involve getting involved with people who will treat her as insignificant, and using those experiences to toughen herself up against the pain of not mattering? It might feel safer for her to do that than to risk believing that someone else might actually value her, only to be let down later on.

[noclobber]

Okay so you did talk to her and looks like she is not getting the message. I am appalled at the fact that she says it's fine with her. I think her words and actions are not congruent with each other. I have personally had an experience with a woman like this before (everybody in LS know about it). She rejected me and then started running after me... completely sending me on a tailspin.

 

I would suggest you do this ... You had a talk with her, it's not working. You tried being mean to her, it's not working as well. Now all you need to do is combine both. In other words - NC. Have one final talk with her, tell her in a loving way that you don't want to prolong the heart-ache on either side, and say that you are initiating NC for your sake and hers as well. And then STICK TO IT!! Don't pick up her phone calls, or reply to her emails or texts. Declare NC and implement it. It sounds cruel and mean but that's the only way this problem can be resolved. Your FWB girl will only get more and more hurt if she continues seeing you or talking to you. So do it for her and for yourself. There is nothing she can do if you just don't pick up the phone.

 

I am sorry bro but you are abetting her behavior by giving in to her demands and talking to her. It's fine but you shouldn't complain. But you are coming here and complaining about her. That is wrong. What's done is done, please implement NC and stick to it. You don't have to go to the extent of changing jobs.

 

Best of luck!

 

PS: Please please don't be harsh to this woman anymore. She did a mistake and she is paying the price. Do a total NC and put this thing to rest instead of trying to drive her away by being mean.

[crazy_grl]

noclobber raised a good point about complaining about her. Complaining here to get advice is one thing, but please don't go around complaining about her to people you know and especially not people she works with. I'm not saying that you are or not, but that would be incredibly mean and immature. Not only that, but it could lead to more drama if she heard you'd said something behind her back.

[mental_traveller]

What did you expect? Did you seriously think you could have an arrangement whereby you'd have regular sex with this woman minus any emotional complications?

 

Have you not learned in life that the situations people believe (or want to believe) they can cope with in theory are often well beyond their capabilities in practice? "Friends With Benefits" is one of the most obvious examples of this rule. You are indeed naive, my friend.

 

One of my friends has several "friends with benefits" on the go at any given time (they all know that he has other "girlfriends"). He doesn't seem to get the kind of drama that the original poster is experiencing.

 

I think the original poster just got unlucky and met up with a devious and conniving woman instead of someone who meant what they said. The only way he has been "naive" is to not have cut her off completely a long time ago.

[magichands]

One of my friends has several "friends with benefits" on the go at any given time (they all know that he has other "girlfriends").

A harem. This really is consumerism gone crazy.

 

When did sex become a commodity? Is it traded in the futures market?? I guess people got sick of playing with FCOJ. I'm going to advise against buying "sex" futures, given our current cycle of moral decay. Or maybe I'm just overreacting, and the Swinging Sixties are making a comeback.

[Guest]

One of my friends has several "friends with benefits" on the go at any given time (they all know that he has other "girlfriends"). He doesn't seem to get the kind of drama that the original poster is experiencing.

 

I think the original poster just got unlucky and met up with a devious and conniving woman instead of someone who meant what they said. The only way he has been "naive" is to not have cut her off completely a long time ago.

 

This just makes me sick. Have to agree with magichands, I'm glad I don't know your friend, he sounds like the most shallow person ever.

 

As for the original poster - ok the whole deal was tempting (altho I really don't buy the having sex without even being attracted thing) but the reality is that FWB can only work very short term. Most women can do one-night stands but having sex on a regular basis with someone you actually at least like as a friend is IMPOSSIBLE without developing some attachment. If you don't like it, avoid women alltogether!

 

If you add to that the fact that the poster does probably have some self-esteem problems (who doesn't) you get drama. You should tell this girl she deserves a lot better than a FWB relationship where she isn't AT ALL respected and that you are setting her free to find what she needs elsewhere.

[Douglas1999]

So this weekend I tried to take some of the advice that was given about the situation with my FWB woman. I had told her (a week ago) that I would go to this party with her on saturday (to shut her up basically). Well on friday I saw her at work and told her I didn't think I could make it to the party because I had to work on my car and had homework.

 

I told her if I still wanted to attend the party I would call her on saturday (the day we were supposed to go) and let her know. Well I decided this was going to be the beginning of my ignoring her. So I didn't call her. I didn't stand her up- because I had warned her hte day before that I was probably going to be VERY busy and wasn't going to make it. I had told her I would CALL HER if I was going to go with her. Well I never called and my cell was dead all day so she couldn't get ahold of me.

 

I didn't work on my car, I did some homework but basically I hung out with my best gal pal (I was staying at her house for the weekend like normal) and also played some computer games. Well by the time I charged my cell phone it was around 8pm and I had three messages from FWB woman. She wanted to know what time I was coming over (even though I"d said if I dont' call her then I"m not coming to the party duh) I didn't plan to call her back but she called again and again and I got tired of it so I answered the phone.

 

She wanted to know why I wasnt there to pick her up yet? And I reminded her that I'd told her I would cALL HER if I still wanted to hang out and I hadn't called her so that meant I didn't want to go. She freaked out and started crying and saying she had gotten ready (all dressed up) to go and was upset because I told her I"d go. All of this is lies. I didn't tell her any such thing and if someone told me that they "might" go somewhere with me but were going to be very busy and probably woulnd't make it and would call if htey could and then they nEVER called I would assume we weren't going. But no not this idiotic woman. She says she still thought we were going and was upset at me because she took the time to get ready. Well thats her fault. I am not proud of myself but I flipped out and SCREAMED at her. I was so frustrated by her actions. SHe doens't listen to a word I say. she just hears what she wants to.

 

SO I screamed at her and basically told her I can't stand her, I don't want to hang out with her, she was basically just a hole to get off in (yes I know I am a huge jerk!!) and that I don't want to see her or hang out with her anymore. She still didn't get it. She just kept repeating that she had gotten ready for the party and thought I was picking her up and why didn't I just come over now.

 

I seriously think she has mental problems. I mean what kind of woman would sit there and take all those horrible things I said to her and then still want to hang out with me??? She wanted to keep talking to me and I had just had enough. I told her I dont' want to talk to her anymore, that she can do so much better, taht she needs to find a guy who will treat her right, that I'm an as*** and and not going to change, that I dont' want to have sex with her anymore or be friends or anything. then I said bye and hung up. I figured that was the end.

 

Nope, she called me the next day and left me a 7 minute (no kidding) message on my cell. She said she wasn't sure what "our" problem was but obviously there was some problem and we needed to work it out. SHe made it sound like we are a married couple!! She went on and on about how it was wrong of me to yell at her and that she just wants to spend time with me becaue she enjoys my company.

 

She said she is willing to work on a solution and that she hopes I figure out a solution because she is out of ideas. But basically she thinks she's done nothing wrong and that she doesn't deserve the way I"ve been acting lately. She said that if I want to date someoen else that is fine, I can still have sex with her. Which is ridiculous because if I was dating someone else I sure would NOT cheat on the person I was dating.

 

she has sent me messages and called a few more times and I am NOT responding. I just know she will try to corner me at work this friday so I'm dreading that. How long do you think it will take until she leaves me alone? I feel bad for hurting her but I've realized she is not a rational person and you can't reason with her. So no contact seems to be the only way to go.

[noclobber]

You call her as a stupid woman but do you know who is stupid here? YOU are!!!

 

Are you so stupid that you cannot understand the advice given here? The true meaning of No Contact???

 

People have clearly told you to have a conversation with that woman and tell firmly that you will not see or talk to her again. This is for your own good and also hers. But what do you do? You tell her that if you plan on going to a party you would give her a call. If you don't call then she has to assume that you are not going. How wonderful!!! Basically what you are doing is making someone wait. If one of my friends tells me that he will call me if he is going to a club or a party I would obviously get ready and wait for his call. I won't be somewhere else and then not be in a position to miss going out if he does call. Makes sense?

 

You know what you are doing? You are just toying with that poor girl's heart and then coming here and boasting about how much she wants you. You sure know what you need to do - No Contact. But you won't do that. Instead you will give mixed messages to that girl.

 

I initially supported you because I thought you were right. But you are so transparent now and I can clearly see who you are. Your ex girlfriend did the right thing by cheating on you and dumping you. No self respecting woman should be with a guy like you.

 

Be a MAN already and initiate No Contact with that girl! ..... instead of whining like an innocent victim!

[monkey00]

no offense douglas but it's clearly obvious you like the drama, you love and hate the fact she's obsessed over you.

 

Im sure you'd be doing a 360 on her if she ignored and cut contact with you.

NC said it all, have fun.

[crazy_grl]

*sigh* Douglas, you either just don't get it or you're enjoying this.