How does friends with benefits work?

[Douglas1999]

Not to sound naive or anything but exactly how is FWB supposed to work? I ask because i made this arrangement with this woman I work with. I've never done this before but I am single and she was being flirty with me and invited me over to her house. We had known each other from work so its not like she was a stranger. Well I told her no relationship just FWB and she agreed and said that was exactly what she wanted. so the first few times we slept together were great, exciting.

 

But now (about two months later) she wants me to go out with her friends and constantly calls me and begs me to come over to see her. She accuses me of not wanting to be seen with her in public because I never take her out anywhere. But she's not my girlfriend and I'm not interested in dating her or anyone else right now. I don't want anyone to think we are dating because I"d like to keep my options open. I only see her maybe once a week and I do spend the night at her place. But she is becoming very clingy and doing things like making me dinner (which I don't eat because I don't want her to get the wrong idea).

 

She will alternate calling me and trying to seduce me to come over (which is getting boring anymore beause it feels like I"m stuck in a relationship) or she will call and try to entice me to go out with her by offering to go do things that I enjoy (watching sports, going out etc) I always turn her down and yet she still persists. We have a company get togehter coming up and I haven't told her yet but I"ve invited someone else and I know she is thinking that I"ll take her.

 

We're just FWB, and I'm getting tired of the benefits if all this drama is attached. Is this what FWB usually involves? Its not that I want to use her for sex and throw her away. I do talk to her and let her call me and talk about her problems or friends or whatever. But I feel that she is pressing for a relationship with me and I"ve already told her that will never happen.

[amaysngrace]

It sounds as if she's becoming emotionally attached to you. You've got the right idea on what FWBs is all about. She apparently has taken it to another level.

 

You have one of two choices. Either make a committment to her and start dating her, although it sounds as if you'd rather not, or just find someone else to be 'buddies' with.

 

Personally, I would just leave her alone and not call her again. She's too involved now for what you're willing to give to her. Bottom line...she's falling for you.

[bluechocolate]

How does friends with benefits work?

 

It doesn't, as you are finding out.

[amaysngrace]

It doesn't, as you are finding out.

 

Pretty much this is a true statement. But strive to be the exception and not the rule Douglas, if it is what will make you happy.

 

Mostly you need to find yourself a girl who is as sexually hungry as you are without any need or desire for a relationship. She has to be an emotional pillar of strength as well, or else you will find yourself with problems.

 

I'm certain women like this exist. You just need to find one. Just be careful that all her qualities don't have you falling quickly for her.

[lindya]

We're just FWB, and I'm getting tired of the benefits if all this drama is attached.

 

What did you expect? Did you seriously think you could have an arrangement whereby you'd have regular sex with this woman minus any emotional complications?

 

Have you not learned in life that the situations people believe (or want to believe) they can cope with in theory are often well beyond their capabilities in practice? "Friends With Benefits" is one of the most obvious examples of this rule. You are indeed naive, my friend.

[beatlebob]

Avoid fwbs if you want no strings sex. Somebody develops feelings and becomes resentful over the lack of reciprocation. Not always, but a lot of the time.

 

You know what she wants, so make it clear you don't want a relationship with her and stop contacting her.

[monkey00]

i agree with everyone. And you seem to have the right idea of what a FWB is and your situation clearly. However FWB relationships are very flexible and can imitate a real relationship, or be limited to just the physical aspect (sex itself). It only gets out of control if one exhibits a higher need from the relationship than the other. Draw the line.

 

As for FWB situations, women are more prone to get emotional/develop feelings. These situations can suck cause women can get cold or hot on your a** because of their emotional needs.

[moman]

FWB only works for about a month or so before it causes friction. A couple nights ago a girl whom I had a FWB setup with came over to 'chat'. I decided to be nice and listen to her problems but when she wanted to do the benefits thing I told her no because of this other girl I'm seeing to which she got really upset and left. Told me she liked me and that I didn't show her feelings respect. I told her I did NOT like her and never will and to get over it.

[Douglas1999]

So more drama from my FWB woman. I haven't had the benefits in two weeks (have been avoiding her) and this past weekend she called me on friday so I talked to her just to be nice. I told her I was very busy - i have mid terms coming up in four classes and I would be spending all weekend at home studying and I may visit my family but thats it. I made it very clear (or so I thought) that I would NOT see her this weekend nor was I interested in talking to her.

 

Well this was around 8pm on friday-she had called to ask me to come over and I said no and told her how busy I would be ALL WEEKEND and wasn't going to see her at all. So friday night after midnight she texts me to ask me to come over. I ignore her. Saturday she calls me and I ignore the call. She leaves me a message saying she misses me (I have NO feelings for this girl other than sorta friends but that is fading fast as she seems to be turning into a psycho) Then on saturday she texts me and tells me she made plans for "us" next weekned to attend her friend's birthday night out.

 

I am NOT going wtih her to this so I ignore this text as well. (I"ve NEVER gone out with her since FWB and we only went out to one concert as friends before this.) So she calls again later saturday night while i"m in the middle of studying for linear algebra midterm. So again saturday night she calls me asking why haven't I called her back. Duh because I dont' want to talk to YOU!! So sunday morning she calls and leaves me a message asking to to go see a movie. As I am busy I ignore the text. She says the movie starts at 1:30pm. I go to visit my family and she calls me and leaves a message saying its 1:30!! do you still want to go? I had NEVER even responded to her messages about going becuase I;d already told her on friday I would be too busy to do anythign (I dont' want to see her). So i get mad and text to her "What part of I"M BUSY don't you understand" and she gets upset and calls me and leaves a tearful message on my cell phone saying she's not mad at me at me (who cares if she is!!) and that she just wants to see me and maybe I could just take a break or do my homework over her house.

 

I ignore her message hoping praying she will get the hint, I am not playing her game of drama so I will call her. I think she was mad at me because she stopped calling for a few hours but that night around 11pm she texted me asking me to come over. I about threw my phone across the room!! I wanted to call her and just tell her off but the friend I was staying with (a girl NO BENEFITs, who I've been best friends with for years) told me to just ignore her because this girl wants me to contact her and the best way is to have NO contact so she doesn't get what she wants and may get the hint. So I don't respond to any of her calls or texts. Actually the only time the whole weekend I had any contact is when I talked to her on the phone on friday and when I texted her "the what part of I'm busy" message.

 

So we work together and yesterday at work I happened to go get a drink and I guess seh saw me because she sent me an email saying" gee you could have stopped and said hi to me!" and then after work she gives me this long note. I just took it from her and walked away. It is this huge long letter that she says she is not mad at me but is hurt that I didn't tell her I didn't want to go to the movies on sunday. (when she texted me) I thought I made that clear when I said I was going to be busy ALL weekend and wouldn't be seeing her.

 

she goes on to say she doesn't want to interfere with college and knows how busy I am and all but doesn't understand why I don't even call her back. she pointed out that when I'm at her house I always answer my cell phone (which is true sometimes). SHe just goes on and on about how she is not like my ex (who cheated on me) but frankly why do I care that she isn't like my ex. I dont' want to to date her and am NOT INTERESTED in her at all. I want to end the benefits. I don't want to hurt her though. I just dont' know if I should just tell her outright (which I've tried a million times) or do something to hurt her (like show up with a really hot woman when she asks me to go out with her and her friends) I've tried telling her I'm not interested, I've tried ignoring her, what do I do!!

[Kathleen2260]

I hope you realized FWB just doesn't work. Sooner or later one of the parties develops feelings for the other. I would say you need to treat this as a no contact situation. This girl sounds very needy and clingy and doesn't seem to understand that you have no feelings toward her. Guys can separate sex and intimacy better than women can so she probably thinks if you are sleeping with her you have feelings for her as well. You need to change your cell phone number, ignore her emails and under no circumstances see her in person.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

It doesn't sound much like what you wanted was a fwb, but a booty call.

 

I have a fwb, and we do all the relationship stuff. We go out to dinner, (he pays), we go places (I even keep him company when he has to do errands for work), we hang at his house at times when he watches tv and I just read a book. Stuff like that.

 

The difference is that we don't look at each other's eyes and profess eternal love or any of that romantic stuff. But we still are nice to each other and give compliments like anyone else.

 

But, in your case, it seems like she might want more than fwbs with you. Because if this guy I'm seeing were to brush me off like you did with her, I'd be like, oh well, and not give it a second thought and I wouldn't be chasing after him etc. Usually, he is the one making the plans also, I never ask to see him and if he doesn't make plans I leave him alone.

 

Maybe you could have told her that you just wanted a booty call type of deal,

 

Ariadne

[lindya]

I've tried telling her I'm not interested, I've tried ignoring her, what do I do!!

 

I'm no Star Wars fan, but doesn't Yoda say something about there not being any try? Just do.

 

Tell her you don't want to see her or hear from her again. That there is absolutely zero chance of the casual arrangement you had turning into a relationship. That it's a pity she couldn't cope with being "Friends With Benefits" when she'd indicated that this was what she wanted - but that it's not your problem. You made it clear that this was not going to become a relationship, and you're not about to be manipulated into dragging this thing out any longer with lots of telephone calls and analyses of whether or not she's like your ex girlfriend, why it can't be a relationship etc etc.

 

Then any time she calls after that, just hang up on her. It's harsh, but by this stage what's your alternative? If you don't knock this thing on the head right now, you'll just get more and more embroiled in the drama she wants to turn it into (bearing in mind that any drama taking place between the two of you feeds into her belief that you have some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship).

 

Then learn from it. Friends With Benefits sounds fun and uncomplicated, but what does it actually mean? As far as I can see, it means that you're asking someone to accept that they don't matter enough to be classed as your "significant other". Despite the fact that they share their body with you on a regular basis, they don't really count. Combine that with human insecurity, and you have a recipe for an awful lot of hurt feelings.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

As far as I can see, it means that you're asking someone to accept that they don't matter enough to be classed as your "significant other". Despite the fact that they share their body with you on a regular basis, they don't really count.

 

Nah, is not just that. In my case, he does count.

 

But it's hard to find "the one," the soulmate connection.

 

I do care for my fwb. We really are good friends. He listens to me, helps me, and I'd be there for him anytime he needs me.

 

I enjoy my time with him. Tonight he just called me and asked me if I'd be interested in watching a movie, that maybe we could rent one. I told him we could watch one on tv since he has the movie channels.

 

So, there is a lot of companionship, a lot of sharing and trust as well. Is just that he is not my soulmate Not that grand love.

 

But if he were to tell me that he'd be busy for the weekend, like the OP said to his friend, I probably wouldn't spaz or call him again and again. (I suppose I'd do that with a soulmate as well). But the fact that she did, to me means that she may want more than she was getting from him.

 

Ariadne

[crazy_grl]

Personally, I would just leave her alone and not call her again.

 

I can't think of anything much worse to do to her.

 

Just be honest with her. Tell her you've noticed her behavior has been changing and that you're concerned that she's developing feelings for you. Explain to her that you're not interested in that. Basically, treat her with some respect, instead of like a piece of ass that you're through with and trying to run from because she's showing signs of having feelings. You should have done that when you first started to think that she was developing feelings for you.

 

(I have NO feelings for this girl other than sorta friends but that is fading fast as she seems to be turning into a psycho)

 

What a jerk you are. Instead of being honest with the woman, you dodge her, treat her fairly crappy, and blame her behavior on her being a psycho. Why don't you just act like a man and be honest with her instead of expecting her to guess how you're feeling.

 

Here's the deal. She developed feelings for you and you're pushing her away without any explanation. Her feelings are causing her to act irrationally and your treating her with disrespect is just making that worse. If you'd simply treat her like she matters and wasn't just a piece of ass, then she'd probably stop bugging you.

 

I've tried telling her I'm not interested, I've tried ignoring her, what do I do!!

 

Unless you left something out, you haven't tried telling her you're not interested, at least not in a mature and reasonable way. You've only done so in ways that string her along and expect her to "just get the idea". That's a cruel way to tell someone you don't want to be with them, especially when you've been having sex with them.

 

Why don't you stop being such a jerk and just treat her like she's a human being.

 

Sorry if I sound like a raging b*tch, but it really pisses me off when guys do this kind of thing. Sometimes I wonder if guys are really this socially enept or if they like doing this to a girl because it feeds their egos to have a "psycho hanging onto them that they just can't get rid of" when they could probably have just ended with a simple conversation.

[BlueEyedGirl]

FWB never works. It's always a mess.

[crazy_grl]

But if he were to tell me that he'd be busy for the weekend, like the OP said to his friend, I probably wouldn't spaz or call him again and again. (I suppose I'd do that with a soulmate as well). But the fact that she did, to me means that she may want more than she was getting from him.

 

Not to call you out or anything, but isn't this the FWB guy that you were freaking out over when he was seeing some other girl and wasn't interested in seeing you anymore?

 

I only point this out to illustrate that you don't have feelings for your FWB or want a relationship with him, but you still got a little whacko/clingy when he started backing off from you. A FWB situation can really mess with a person's head, lower their self-esteem, and make them look crazy, especially females.

[scammy]

You go grl!

I could not have said it better myself.

Oh and one more thing you are really too full of yourself. But hey we all are at times just try not to get such an inflated head that you cant wear your hats.

Most likely you will meet a female who will put the "smack down on you"

rip your heart out stomp it with her 3 inch spike heels and walk away flipping her long blond hair.

If it does happen and your back here in the breakup forum just remember karma sucks dude

[noclobber]

You probably don't know me but I used to be very active in this forum a while ago.

 

I just read this thread and couldn't help myself from asking something.

 

Before I ask my question I want to give you my story in a brief manner.

 

Last year I met a girl and was instantly attracted to her. At first it looked like she too was interested in me. She changed her train schedules so that she could travel with me, wanted to go to games, and do lunch often. I started complimenting her and conveyed my interest and she said "plz don't make such comments... i am your friend". She was being honest and told the truth. But I did a huge mistake at this point... The mistake was I continued to be her friend. I decided to continue the friendship because I really liked her and didn't want to lose her. I later learnt that she actually had an LDR boyfriend.

 

After couple of months when she became single I told her that I have strong feelings for her and would like to have a relationship. She rejected me!!

 

It was at this time I was very active in this forum. I was repeatedly put down again and again.... People, especially women, called me names and said that I was a hypocrite that pretended to be friends with this girl while secretly plotting to get into her pants. All this because I developed feelings for a woman. When I decided to continue my friendship with her I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. But did it matter? nope! To all the women here I only appeared like a hypocrite that tried to use the friendship of a woman to turn it into something more.

 

Now in this OP's case he clearly told the girl that there wud be no possibility of a relationship. Despite that she developed feelings for him.

 

Why isn't anyone yelling at that woman or calling her a hypocrite because she feigned a friendship with him while having a secret agenda? Why is it okay for a woman to develop feelings for a guy but it's almost like a sin if a guy does the same? Why are you not telling that that woman is a b*tch that tried to get more out of this guy even though he clearly stated where he stood in the relationship?

 

I can clearly see that it is the guy that is being called a jerk!!!

 

.... and I am simply appalled at this discrimination.

 

Sorry... I am not trying to get at you... but I really had to vent. Even I did the same mistake... the mistake of developing feelings for another human and I have been way too hurt and insulted because of that. Is it really a sin?

[scammy]

The difference in your situation and this gentleman’s is sexual intimacy you did not have that in your relationship.

 

To pursue someone who is in a relationship does say much about your character.

Do you feel that this girl you were in love with is now a horrible person? You stated she told you up front she wanted to be friends. Do you feel that we females speak in code and that her phrase, “You are my friend” meant yes I want you to pursue me.

Did it ever occur to you that you might have damaged her a self-perception by not valuing her friendship? I have ran across men like you and it disturbed me that they did not want to maintain a friendship, that I was not intelligent or witty enough to constitute their time. I was an engineering major working for GM, I can stand around an engine silently and drink a beer just as good as the next guy.

 

Your right the woman is questionable and sneaky, I have been guilty of the same crime.

I realized it and moved on …

now a happy ending I found a man who fell in love with me....

 

It all boils down to loving yourself enough to walk away from toxic relationships and not demeaning yourself by settling for whatever emotional scraps someone throws to you for physical gratification.

 

The guy reacted badly to this situation even though it was a mutual agreement gone awry. That is why everyone is upset.

 

I am sorry you feel that this woman is the villain in this scenario and the guy is the victim. She tried to seduce him with her womanly charms? I feel that is just a cop out for a person to be fishy.

I really do not see the correlation in your situation with this one and I really feel that even though you say

Sorry... I am not trying to get at you... but I really had to vent. Even I did the same mistake... the mistake of developing feelings for another human and I have been way too hurt and insulted because of that. Is it really a sin?

You are in fact…still trying to justify your actions and like this gentleman you reacted “badly” even if you really had genuine feelings for this woman.

 

Good luck on healing and moving on to a fulfilling relationship just remember when she says friends she means it and please consider what I am saying about the way you view females.

[Loveslacker]

 

Well you had an agreement, and she breached it. So you no longer have the agreement. You have to leave.

 

(Read this for explanation: Few women can have a "sex only" relationship. Women are far more attached to their bodies than men. Men ejaculate, and women have an emotional experience. Don't compare your apples with her oranges.)

[monkey00]

For the OP, being a jerk is the last thing you want to do if you want her out of your life. Being a jerk backfires, people want what they cant have.

 

Unfortunately at this point it's all you can do. However if you have the time to invest, possibly experiment with being a doormat validation seeking nice guy who calls her everyday (do unto her what she does unto you)....Im sure she'll be so grossed out she'll be out of your life in no time!

[Loveslacker]

Why isn't anyone yelling at that woman or calling her a hypocrite because she feigned a friendship with him while having a secret agenda? Why is it okay for a woman to develop feelings for a guy but it's almost like a sin if a guy does the same?

 

It's called a double standard.

[chill chic]

I can't think of anything much worse to do to her.

 

Just be honest with her. Tell her you've noticed her behavior has been changing and that you're concerned that she's developing feelings for you. Explain to her that you're not interested in that. Basically, treat her with some respect, instead of like a piece of ass that you're through with and trying to run from because she's showing signs of having feelings. You should have done that when you first started to think that she was developing feelings for you.

 

 

 

What a jerk you are. Instead of being honest with the woman, you dodge her, treat her fairly crappy, and blame her behavior on her being a psycho. Why don't you just act like a man and be honest with her instead of expecting her to guess how you're feeling.

 

Here's the deal. She developed feelings for you and you're pushing her away without any explanation. Her feelings are causing her to act irrationally and your treating her with disrespect is just making that worse. If you'd simply treat her like she matters and wasn't just a piece of ass, then she'd probably stop bugging you.

 

 

 

Unless you left something out, you haven't tried telling her you're not interested, at least not in a mature and reasonable way. You've only done so in ways that string her along and expect her to "just get the idea". That's a cruel way to tell someone you don't want to be with them, especially when you've been having sex with them.

 

Why don't you stop being such a jerk and just treat her like she's a human being.

 

Sorry if I sound like a raging b*tch, but it really pisses me off when guys do this kind of thing. Sometimes I wonder if guys are really this socially enept or if they like doing this to a girl because it feeds their egos to have a "psycho hanging onto them that they just can't get rid of" when they could probably have just ended with a simple conversation.

 

well said!

[noclobber]

The difference in your situation and this gentleman’s is sexual intimacy you did not have that in your relationship.

 

I understand that they had sex but didn't this guy tell her that he is not interested in a relationship even before this whole thing started?

 

To pursue someone who is in a relationship does say much about your character.

 

Sorry but I don't think you understood me correctly. Please read my post once again. I found her attractive and flirted with her. She honestly said "I am your friend." This was during the 2nd week of we both meeting. I got the message and continued to be her friend. My mistake, I agree. This is the point where all the women remarked that I should be a dis-honorable man for 'acting like a friend' to get into her pants. It was a mistake but I liked her too much to just say goodbye and walk away just because she resisted my advances. So I continued being her friend. After 2 months I accidentally learnt that she had a LD boyfriend. She never ever opened her mouth about this guy. I had no idea that she was in a relationship even though we both (just the 2 of us) were hanging out so much as friends. So its not that I hit on a girl knowing that she had a boyfriend.

 

Do you feel that we females speak in code and that her phrase, “You are my friend” meant yes I want you to pursue me.

 

Correct! If a woman tells "You are my friend" to a guy and if he still has feelings for her then its completely his mistake. Just take a look at your own sentence and see how you are angry with me just because I had feelings for my friend even after she said "I am your friend".

 

Along the same lines do you think this guy wanted a lovey dovey relationship with her when he said he is not interested in a relationship? But she still developed feelings for him. Sex or not, bottom line she fell for him. And my question is nobody is accusing her of hypocricy. But when a guy does something along the same lines he would be put down so much.

 

I am not saying that we shud all go and bash that girl. My heart goes out for that person because of what she is going through now. I can feel her pain but I couldn't stand this double standards and that's what made me to write.

[Ariadne]

Hi you,

 

Not to call you out or anything, but isn't this the FWB guy that you were freaking out over when he was seeing some other girl and wasn't interested in seeing you anymore?

 

Oh, you mean when he dumped me? Well, I wasn't freaking out or anything. But I was kind of sad about it. I didn't expect it since things were so well etc. But yes, that guy.

 

I only point this out to illustrate that you don't have feelings for your FWB or want a relationship with him

 

Yeah, I don't. I love the Denver guy but he is my impossible love.

 

but you still got a little whacko/clingy when he started backing off from you.

 

No, I went with the Arab guy, remember?

 

A FWB situation can really mess with a person's head, lower their self-esteem, and make them look crazy, especially females.

 

Mess with the head I think yes, lower self esteem I don't think, look crazy not to me anyway.

 

Ariadne