How would you feel in a sexless marriage?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I am not saying you should dump your spouse if they become ill, but why do you have to stay faithful to someone who doesn't please you sexually? Why do you have to stay married to someone if they can't have sex with you for whatever reason, but are healthy otherwise?

 

What logic gives THEM the priority to be happy and takes this right away from you?

 

RP,

 

Sex only constitutes a part of a marriage obligation. Just because a spouse failes in that part but completes all the other parts (such as raising children, bringing in part of the income, companionship, social status, among others), the marriage can still be viable!!

 

Sex is not all that important to me - perhaps because I've been married so long. (But it is probably because I get it quite often without asking for it. )

Having a convenient lifestyle is more important to me.... Who knows, perhaps one day I will live in a sexless marriage, and I will want to eat my own words.

 

JamesM does make a valid point when he compared a spouse refusing sex as someone who breaks his/her marriage vows. It is cruel to deprive your spouse of sexual pleasure. I just wish people who withhold sex understand that!

[stoopid_guy]

because in the end (when the dust settles) sex is only 3% of a marriage.

Where'd you get that number? Do you mean 3% of the time spent married?

 

That doesn't mean it's unimportant. I might spend 1% of my day on the crapper, but I'm not going to be happy without that. I might spend 4% of my time on hygiene/grooming, but no one wants me around if I gave that up.

 

And barring physical reasons, you can't truly love someone and neglect them when they're horny. It doesn't have to be intercourse, it could be something as simple as kissing a guy and tickling his scrotum as he masturbates, or kissing and stimulating a woman as she masturbates, but a loving partner should want to be involved somehow. It's not that much effort, but it means a great deal to your partner. It's at least acknowledging to them that their needs matter to you.

[RecordProducer]

Where'd you get that number? Do you mean 3% of the time spent married?

 

That doesn't mean it's unimportant. I might spend 1% of my day on the crapper, but I'm not going to be happy without that.

This was so funny! Thanks for the good laugh!

 

It's at least acknowledging to them that their needs matter to you

F*ck that sh*t, man! If Bush came out and told us: "We know you need money and we are giving our best and our hearts are breaking that you need to pay taxes, but... we have good news and bad news for you:

 

good news: taxes won't be raised 25% this year

good news: taxes will be raised only 24%

 

At least we tried to leave that one % for you to spend on yourself, which is a waste of money anyway, but we are that generous!"

 

People don't need compassion from anyone if they don't have sex or money or love or health ... they need to fulfill the "empty spot"!

[burning 4 revenge]

 

People don't need compassion from anyone if they don't have sex or money or love or health ... they need to fulfill the "empty spot"!

That's a bit utilitarian don't you think?

 

And compassion isn't quite the right word either, compassion is what one feels for a three-legged dog.

 

You said earlier that frigid people don't need anyone, that only non-frigid people do, I can tell you that as far as anyone needs anyone that isn't exactly true. As lame as it is there is still an undefinable emotional element involved that hasn't been addressed.

 

Platonic friendship isn't accurate either. I don't know how to put it, but emotions are more complicated and not so cut and dry.

 

I will say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a sexually dysfunctional person to have a meaningful relationship with a sexually healthy person. There is far too much resentment anger and humiliation on both sides for it to work out.It's a shame though. And from my humble experience in life I think a sexually compatible couple with very little else in common stands a far better shot than a sexually incompatible couple with a great deal more in common.

 

But feelings do still exist there and not just on the side of the dysfunctional party though they may be the one to feel the greater loss in the end.

 

The Sun Also Rises is Hemingway's finest novel and I think encapsulates the pain involved with this kind of situation better than anything else I've read.

[stoopid_guy]

It's at least acknowledging to them that their needs matter to you.

F*ck that sh*t, man! If Bush came out and told us: "We know you need money and we are giving our best and our hearts are breaking that you need to pay taxes, but... we have good news and bad news for you:

 

good news: taxes won't be raised 25% this year

good news: taxes will be raised only 24%

 

At least we tried to leave that one % for you to spend on yourself, which is a waste of money anyway, but we are that generous!"

 

People don't need compassion from anyone if they don't have sex or money or love or health ... they need to fulfill the "empty spot"!

Physically acknowledging the need, call it compassion, kindness, consideration, love, empathy, whatever. But if a woman isn't "in the mood" but still gives her SO a BJ, HJ, or just helps stimulate him as he masturbates, I doubt many men would be too frustrated. If a man was impotent but "took care" of his lady with his hands or tongue, she's not likely to be too dissapointed.

 

IMHO (and from personal experience) it's when the SO acts like he or she doesn't even care that it's going to drive a major wedge between them. I can't find the post now, but one lady here said something to the effect that a couple of BJs a week was all it took to keep a man happy. It's true; show him you care and satisfy his sexual need at the same time, and it's unlikely he'll ever seriously look at another woman.

 

B4R's right, you can't discount the emotional need.

[Guest]

gay partner, libido mismatch, lack of attraction, medical reasons, depression, etc. The point is: why would you stay even if the reason is very justified?

 

That's what we call 'love'. And your example of an addict being the same as someone medically or psychologically having difficulty with sex is bogus.

 

You see, when you love someone, you care for that person's wellbeing at least as much as your own. And so if that person is suffering, you don't add to it by being heartless and selfish. There is no human who cannot produce a solo orgasm if they need one that badly.

[JamesM]

But if a woman isn't "in the mood" but still gives her SO a BJ, HJ, or just helps stimulate him as he masturbates, I doubt many men would be too frustrated.

 

SG, I was agreeing with everything you wrote until this. No, I think men WOULD still be frustrated. The climax alone is not what is satisfying. I can see how that "crumb" may sound like alot, but from my experience...and though it is better than nothing, if this one sided "sex" is all that is received, then the man will be frustrated. He will still miss the feelings that he can turn his woman on. There is nothing like the satisfaction of seeing the woman that you love writhing in uncontrolled passion.

 

I will say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a sexually dysfunctional person to have a meaningful relationship with a sexually healthy person. There is far too much resentment anger and humiliation on both sides for it to work out

 

I would not go so far as to say impossible, but you are right, the anger and resentment will consume the frustrated one more than the dysfunctional realizes. I know that much. But the relationship exists and is meaningful....it is just not complete.

[Scrivdog]

I think that women, and society in general, pays very little attention to the problem of spouses not getting enough sex and intimacy from their other half. For whatever reason, it looks like men suffer from this more than women.

 

For one, it's very obvious just by reading posts in boards like this one where the issue comes up often than nearly every time the blame is placed on the men if they are the ones living with a sexless spouse. They're nearly always accused of being somehow deficient which presumably turns their wife off. It doesn't matter that the wife never verbalizes the issue, because it's still assumed that it's the man's job to figure out what the matter is.

 

Also very little credence or real sympathy is given to a guy who hasn't had sex with his wife for long periods. I was listening to Dr. Laura talk to a caller where the guy was essentially complaining about having had no sex for months on end and that he could barely stand it anymore. He wanted to leave his wife, but he had kids. Her advice was to stay until the kids are grown (10 years, I think) and to "expend his energies" on woodwroking, jogging, or some other activities.

 

That's not a knock on Dr. Laura, I do think she's right in many respects. But even she doesn't understand the importance of sexual relations in a marriage. The idea that wood working can replace sex is insanely ludicrous. A wife who pulls that out from under the feet of the husband has perpectrated a fraud and in my opinion has no right whatsoever to complain if he cheats, sees hookers, or even leaves her for someone else.

 

I've personally been through this crap with my wife for years now. Nothing I did made any difference and I don't have the time to f*ck around wasting my life anymore. I could spend my life wringing my hands wondering what I can do to make things better and hope she responds, but that's a waste of time. I don't know of anyone who ever has had any success with that strategy.

 

I have had 4 semi long term affairs, 6 or more one night/short-term affairs and have been to countless massage parlors. I'm easing into another affair as we speak. I stay in the marriage to keep the kids in a two-parent home, but not for the sex and love I don't get from the wife. And mark my words, the day the last one goes to college, I am out of there.

 

A funny anecdote. I used to post on a now defunct site called "f*ckedcompany.com" in which a guy posted something along the lines of "Married guys, post here if ou hate your life". It was the longest thread of that board with over 10,000 replies. The sheer volume of men complaining about how their sex lives dried up to nothing and that their wives turned into sour-faced nags was a shocker to me and I think to many on that board. I'm convinced this is a real, widespread problem.

[Guest]

I think couples have to do what works for them. What might be right or work for some might not be like that for others. In years of counsleing others on a "sexless marriage" issue, I have seen many times, notice I say MANY times, not ALL, but I see where one who places alot of ephasis on wanting sex reguardless of what the problem may or may not be, the ones craving the sex the most, have been the ones who have been abused sexually in the past.

 

Once again, I said MANY not ALL, so some of you that have not been abused, please don't get on the defense. Theres nothign wrong with wanting sex or even craving it for that matter, especially if they aren't getting what they want. I'm just saying that the ones who have such a major problem with the lack of sex they are getting, you need to look at the whole picture for WHY you might not be. Most people are not just "frigid" and don't want sex, something usually has turned them that way. Yes sex is important, but its not the end of life as we know it, and if it is, then the person that feels that way, should get to the bottom of why they feel the way they do.

[stoopid_guy]

But if a woman isn't "in the mood" but still gives her SO a BJ, HJ, or just helps stimulate him as he masturbates, I doubt many men would be too frustrated.

SG, I was agreeing with everything you wrote until this. No, I think men WOULD still be frustrated. The climax alone is not what is satisfying. I can see how that "crumb" may sound like alot, but from my experience...and though it is better than nothing, if this one sided "sex" is all that is received, then the man will be frustrated. He will still miss the feelings that he can turn his woman on. There is nothing like the satisfaction of seeing the woman that you love writhing in uncontrolled passion.

Totally agree that the ideal is a partner with as much passion as you, my point was that participating and trying is much better than avoiding.

 

If she's trying to enjoy it and showing she cares, I might feel sorry for her for not enjoying it as much, and I will be grateful that she at least cares. If she doesn't even try, I feel resentment.

 

I wouldn't consider leaving or cheating on my wife if I felt she was trying. Because she's not even trying and doesn't even care, I'm considering both.

[quankanne]

I am not saying you should dump your spouse if they become ill, but why do you have to stay faithful to someone who doesn't please you sexually? Why do you have to stay married to someone if they can't have sex with you for whatever reason, but are healthy otherwise? What logic gives THEM the priority to be happy and takes this right away from you?

 

I think WWIU answered it best: It's during those lower moments I have to remember that are relationship IS good and just because we happen to be not clicking as well during those times doesn't mean we have problems or anything as has Alpha (“because in the end (when the dust settles) sex is only 3% of a marriage”).

 

it’s all a matter of perspective, especially when you realize there’s more to your marriage than just the physicality of sex. That’s not to say that it’s not enjoyable or that you don’t miss it when you don’t have it, but let’s face it: You aren’t f*cking someone 100 percent of the time in a relationship. Things happen that reroute your sex life and you learn to adjust. If you’re lucky, your partner is willing to find other ways to express his/her physical love and affection he/she has for you ...

 

I will say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a sexually dysfunctional person to have a meaningful relationship with a sexually healthy person. There is far too much resentment anger and humiliation on both sides for it to work out.It's a shame though. And from my humble experience in life I think a sexually compatible couple with very little else in common stands a far better shot than a sexually incompatible couple with a great deal more in common.

 

that’s a pretty jaded view – what happens when the sex is gone and the relationship has nothing to sustain it? Where’s the “meaningful” relationship then?

 

Unless you’ve been in this specific situation, it’s easy to be horrified at the thought of a sexless marriage, but it’s really not as rough as some of the posters have made it out to be when you’ve got a companion/partner who is concerned about your needs and is willing to find ways around the problem.

[sumdude]

Scrivdog wrote : Her advice was to stay until the kids are grown (10 years, I think) and to "expend his energies" on woodwroking, jogging, or some other activities...and.....The idea that wood working can replace sex is insanely ludicrous.

 

Depends on what wood you're working eh?

Dr. Laura's freudian slip perhaps?

 

[RecordProducer]

I understand ALL you said and you guys took different viewpoints. So now we are concluding that there ARE different aspects of this problem, but more as to the variety of cases out there.

 

The men vs. women view is still in my opinion irrelevant, because this is a thing that goes behind the close doors of a couple's bedroom and no one is there to judge you, but you and your spouse judging each other.

 

B4R, I was talking about selfishness. If you can dump somebody because of other factors that are completely not their fault (cuz whatever we are is not really our fault or merit) then you can leave them because the sex life is non-satisfying, too. If that's what you want, if that's what makes you unhappy in the relationship.

 

Indeed, my husband fell in love with me because he found me physically attractive and liked my mind - neither is MY merit. I was born with those. And even if I turn into a crazy bitch later down the road, it won't be my merit/fault. But he may dump me with a free conscience and tell everyone that his ex-wife has issues in her head. Everyone will say "Oh, good that you divorced her." He did divorce a mentally ill woman after a year and who can blame him for that?

 

Qankanne is trying to represent a viewpoint in which the deprived partner is NOT unhappy because of the situation. What can be considered poor in the US can be very rich in Ecuador; thus what is acceptable for one couple may be very frustrating for another.

 

I agree with James and Scrivdog that nothing can replace passionate sex, no wood working, no masturbation performed by the spouse.

 

Sumdude, that was funny.

[carmaenforcer]

Why do you have to stay married to someone if they can't have sex with you for whatever reason, but are healthy otherwise?

 

What logic gives THEM the priority to be happy and takes this right away from you?

 

AMEN SISTER!!!

[JackJack]

Why do you have to stay married to someone if they can't have sex with you for whatever reason, but are healthy otherwise?

 

 

You don't. Just like the person who is not getting other needs met in the marriage shouldn't have to stay either. Bascially people have three choices. Either accept things the way they are and stay, cheat, or get out of the situation. Its different for different people. What might work for one, might not for another.

[burning 4 revenge]

I know what you are saying RP, I just object to the assertion that people who are sexually dysfunctional are happy and don't need anyone. That's ludicrous

[RecordProducer]

AMEN SISTER!!!

Carma, can you post some more to get the PM option turned on? I'd like to PM you.

 

Just like the person who is not getting other needs met in the marriage shouldn't have to stay either. Basically people have three choices. Either accept things the way they are and stay, cheat, or get out of the situation. Its different for different people. What might work for one, might not for another.

I agree.

 

I know what you are saying RP, I just object to the assertion that people who are sexually dysfunctional are happy and don't need anyone. That's ludicrous

I understand and you're right. I guess both parties are unhappy. But one of them can be happy without the other one - with someone else.

 

My whole point is that the deprived one is doing a huge sacrifice for the other one or has a certain interest in staying married. No one is happy being horny all the time and not getting some!

[alphamale]

Where'd you get that number? Do you mean 3% of the time spent married?

what I was trying to say, S_G, was that over the course of your typical garden-variety marriage that lasts, say, 45 years....sex willl be low on the list of what the entire marriage is about.

 

and anyways, everyone knows that married folks have little or no sex at all. the best way to kill your sex life is to get married.

[Great Gazoo]

 

and anyways, everyone knows that married folks have little or no sex at all. the best way to kill your sex life is to get married.

 

 

Not true, try having children, you get all the sex you want and if your lucky like us and can't seem to have a child but keep trying sex will never be a issue :lmao::lmao::lmao:

[HokeyReligions]

I

Hokey, your life story is terribly sad. Your husband is obviously mentally screwed up completely if he stopped having sex with you when you were in your 30s. He has been abusing you emotionally and using you for years... I don't see why you had to live without sex all these years just because he didn't want you.

 

It was my choice. Looking back I made the choice for the wrong reason - but I stuck by it because I'm stubborn and momma always told me to finish what I start. I had a rocky past too I guess - who doesn't anymore though!

 

I remember a song that my sister used to sing to me from the time I was a baby until I was about 10 years old. It's to the tune of Que Sara Sara:

 

When I was just a child I asked my mother what would I be

Would I be happy, Would I be sad

Here's what she said to me

 

You are just no damn good and worthless to boot

And nobody loves you, and we don't want you.

 

I grew up believing that and singing it to myself. Its no wonder I had so self confidence or self-esteem. I was convinced that I was the lowest form of life and was ashamed and embarassed to be alive. This kinds of stuff was drilled into my head from the time I was born. And if I ever said anything I would get beat up (my sister is 10 years older than me).

 

So, when my husband asked me to marry him I said yes partly because I figured no one else ever would and partly because I really thought I loved him. I didn't realize that at the time - I just figured I loved him - but when we went to counseling together and especially after our daughter died, I realized the real reason for marrying him.

 

So the sexless marriage is my choice too because I stayed. I'm too old and set in my ways to change now. If I hadn't gone back after our first breakup, I would never have had two wonderful children - and the dogs that we saved together over the years might not have been saved. So, when I look at my priorities and what is the most important to my heart - I did the right thing and I can't regret it.

 

It's just sex.

[Jane Doe]

We have a lot in common.

[Jane Doe]

Carma, can you post some more to get the PM option turned on? I'd like to PM you.

 

I don't mean to hijack your topic and I know you weren't talking to me, but at what point can one PM someone? I have close to 250 posts and I still can't send or receive them.

[stoopid_guy]

I think WWIU answered it best: It's during those lower moments I have to remember that are relationship IS good and just because we happen to be not clicking as well during those times doesn't mean we have problems or anything as has Alpha (“because in the end (when the dust settles) sex is only 3% of a marriage”).

 

it’s all a matter of perspective, especially when you realize there’s more to your marriage than just the physicality of sex. That’s not to say that it’s not enjoyable or that you don’t miss it when you don’t have it, but let’s face it: You aren’t f*cking someone 100 percent of the time in a relationship. Things happen that reroute your sex life and you learn to adjust. If you’re lucky, your partner is willing to find other ways to express his/her physical love and affection he/she has for you ...

I agree with that whole-heartedly. And we have to realize that there will be "lulls" in interest, especially if one party's sick, injured, pregnant (though the best lovemaking my wife and I ever had was while she was pregnant) or whatever.

Not true, try having children, you get all the sex you want and if your lucky like us and can't seem to have a child but keep trying sex will never be a issue :lmao::lmao::lmao:

Just a warning; don't let that sex become routine or a chore for either of you. Keep it fun and relaxed!

[JamesM]

JD, to turn on PM, go to your profile and "Edit Options." Then check the "Enable Private Messaging" box. It should then work. I think the PM option is available after fifty posts.

[Jane Doe]

James, I've looked there and under all the profile stuff and there's nothing there regarding PMs. I notice that other people who have far less posts than I do have "established member" under their name and I don't. It's no biggie or anything, but I just don't understand why others can PM and I can't.