niki Posted March 16, 2002 Share Posted March 16, 2002 hi there, i wonder if anyone can help me? how do you tell if a guy likes you? or if he is in love with you? Link to post Share on other sites
niki Posted March 16, 2002 Share Posted March 16, 2002 i have known this guy for 2 years as colleagues. He is not a local, but somehow, I liked him from the first day I saw him. He is like perfect you know, but I m not prepared to let him know as I am afraid of being rejected. Sadly, he would be returning to his country in 3 months. We do go out in company functions, but, we maintain quite a platonic relationship. We have been out in groups many times but I am unable to even bring up the subject. We see each other in the office every day so its very hard to try to forget him or get over him. In fact the more I see him, the harder to get over him. I am unable to change another job as this one pays very well and is good for my career. I try very hard to maintain only a professional work relationship with him, but it is not easy. I also realised that people at work seems to be aware that there is something going on between us as they some drop hints.... I am very confused and I do not know where this is going. I believe that I really need some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel Posted March 16, 2002 Share Posted March 16, 2002 First off, the feelings you are experiencing are in part real but in part FANTASY..... in order to deal with your feelings you need to acknowledge that. No matter how well, you think you know someone from a distance, i.e. work, hobbies,etc. It is not realistic that you would know that this man is PERFECT just by knowing him through work. many a perfect man have been quite imperfect in a relationship setting..... So, about your strong attraction, ask him out for a drink. But know that where is this going to go? Would you be willing to move to his country? Would he be willing to stay here? Keep this out of work, even though it is probably very enticing to people at work, and many who may disguise themselves as "caring" about you, are in fact finding this bit of excitement in the workplace refreshing and fun. dont' confide in anyone at work. Just be AWARE that he is NOT perfect and you don't know him well..... read this sentence 50 times. Don't wrap yourself in a fantasy you create in your own mind. It is definitely not healthy Good luck We do go out in company functions, but, we maintain quite a platonic relationship. We have been out in groups many times but I am unable to even bring up the subject. We see each other in the office every day so its very hard to try to forget him or get over him. In fact the more I see him, the harder to get over him. I am unable to change another job as this one pays very well and is good for my career. I try very hard to maintain only a professional work relationship with him, but it is not easy. I also realised that people at work seems to be aware that there is something going on between us as they some drop hints.... I am very confused and I do not know where this is going. I believe that I really need some advice... Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 16, 2002 Share Posted March 16, 2002 I think the very best way to tell if a guy really likes you is if he stays married to you for more than 25 years. Link to post Share on other sites
niki Posted March 17, 2002 Share Posted March 17, 2002 Thanks, Rachel & Tony, I have been trying very hard to not think about him. I will continue trying..... I wish I could just get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
niki Posted March 17, 2002 Share Posted March 17, 2002 Thanks, Rachel & Tony, I have been trying to get over him since the day he came back for his second assignment which was like the beginning of last year. Right in the beginning, there was a company function, I actually went up to ask if he would be going. He actually said that he would go if I go !!! And when we were that he jokingly said that he came back because of me. I was too surpriced to react. However a few weeks later, I managed to bring up the subject, he looked very uncomfortable and said that he was not serious about it. So I tried to forget him. But it seemed awfully difficult because he lived very close (place was arranged by my company) to my apartment and I would sometimes end up going home in the same train. Furthermore, I was dragged in by my company to participate in one of the watersport where he was also participating. As such we actually see each other 6 days a week! It was getting out of hand. We were like taking the same transport back and forth! Now that the event is over, I though I would eventually get over him, guess what, I ended up doing a company project with him again. Of all the people involved, why me? As he is more well verse in the project than I, I would have to ash him for advice. Sometimes it is very strange because he would address some of the things that I ask in meetings very generally but looking only directly at me (because I asked about the case earlier-something that no one else needs to know). Strangely, he would tell me some of his personal plans and things he experiences that he does not tell his other co-wokers. From what I noticed, he seemed to be quite secetive, he doesn't tell people things about himself very often or very easily. So you see, it is not that easy to forget him. Any Suggestions ? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted March 17, 2002 Share Posted March 17, 2002 Talk to him. I think that's the only thing you can do. Tell him u'r into him, and u'r trying to get over it, and ask him to keep your contact strictly professional. I've been there - the guy didnt rlly like me, but he showed signs of liking me now n then - and those signs made it impossible to get over him, cuz they gave me hope, over n over. So eventually i cut all contact with him. You cannot do that, so I think the only thing u can do is change jobs or simply talk to him. He should understand. -yes Now that the event is over, I though I would eventually get over him, guess what, I ended up doing a company project with him again. Of all the people involved, why me? As he is more well verse in the project than I, I would have to ash him for advice. Sometimes it is very strange because he would address some of the things that I ask in meetings very generally but looking only directly at me (because I asked about the case earlier-something that no one else needs to know). Strangely, he would tell me some of his personal plans and things he experiences that he does not tell his other co-wokers. From what I noticed, he seemed to be quite secetive, he doesn't tell people things about himself very often or very easily. So you see, it is not that easy to forget him. Any Suggestions ? Link to post Share on other sites
no name Posted March 19, 2002 Share Posted March 19, 2002 I don't know if this is relavant to your situation or not but your post just reminded me of something that happened to me once. I had been pretty good friends with this one guy and there were a few romantic sparks but it never amounted to anything... until, a couple months before he was going to be leaving the country (for good) I started to REALLY notice him and I was pretty upset about him leaving. On a couple occasions I even started crying when he mentioned it. But then, his plans changed and he ended up staying for a couple more years, and during that time, my feelings for him gradually decreased. In retrospect, it seems like maybe the intensity and permanency of his upcoming departure created an sort of artificial emotional intensity that made me feel like I was seriously in love with him when in fact I wasn't. So that's where I'm coming from. I think that what you're experiencing right now is completely normal and healthy because obviously you're close to him and don't want him to leave because you're going to miss him. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you're permanently in love or that he's "the one" or whatever. I would suggest that you let him know that you're going to miss him. At the same time, bring yourself to a point of acceptance about the fact that he's leaving. For example, in the office, as much as possible, try to strengthen your working relationships with your other co-workers; and after hours, spend some time with him if you want, but also make a point of developing or building on other friendships. That way his departure won't be as devastating when it happens as it seems right now. (Plus, you know, if he returned once before he might return again sometime... so, if the two of you really do belong together, then it'll happen eventually. If not, it's probably because there's someone else out there who would be a better match.) Another thought... even though he seems to be suggesting a lot of interest in you (possibly flirting), he hasn't committed himself to you in any way, nor has he even said that he's actually interested in you. More recently, when I was working overseas for a while, I found that I acted a little bit differently towards men than I usually do. I felt that it was self-evident that I had no long-term romantic interest in them (since I was only in the country temporarily) and so, in a way, I felt freer to flirt because I felt confident that they wouldn't take it too seriously, since they knew that I wasn't going to be there long. (Though, I'm not entirely sure how they actually took it.) Also, another thing to consider is that maybe he has a woman back in his home country (and there would be absolutely nothing to prevent him from hiding you and her from each other... especially if he's traveling back and forth between the two countries). Anyway, I think the best thing to do is to pay attention to both your heart and your head. And be sure to talk to him about it, if you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
niki Posted March 23, 2002 Share Posted March 23, 2002 Hi, actually those though did cross my mind. He once told me he had an ex. He wanted to marry her, but she chose to concentrate on her career. So he broke up with her. Actually, I was quite surprise he told me that. However, I was wondering, he would always try to pay for my drinks and meals or even my transport(cab), especially when I am alone with him. I am not his girlfriend, I could pay for my half of the share you know. When I managed to pay for my share, he looked quite perplex. Currently, he would try to pay the bill before it reaches me. It is normal for guys to pay for the gals when they go out? I do not much experience with going out with guys. Usually when I go out in groups we would pay our own share. However, when we go out in groups (with him included), we would pay our own share. Than there was one weekend when we were both invited to a guy's birthday party. He, and one of my girlfriend, "B", (also a colleague) and I were going. I suggested that he buy the present for the birthday boy as guys would be more familiar with guy things. He didn't buy it, but suggest to me to go with him earlier, to take the same transport from my place, before the party, to shop for the present together. He even went on the emphasize that "You can also ask "B" along". I mean he should probably already assumed that I would be coming with "B" to shop together, right? However, "B" couldn't make it earlier, so I only when with him. Currently, I also notice that he has become very chatty, more funny and helpful when I ask him for advice regarding work in the office. Am I being too paranoid? Link to post Share on other sites
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