Update Again..need Input

[fjk82]

Well I broke down Sunday. I am all about keeping myself busy and that is all I do is stay busy BUT even when Im busy it seems as though everything reminds me of him and what we did together bc that was the past 4years of my life and we did do everything together. Sunday I was a wreck even though I was out with my girlfriends shopping and doing dinner but that night I broke down crying in the shower..I called my Mom and she was telling me she just doesn't understand how he still has not spoken to me..So I saw in my bed and just wrote out an email. I have nothing to loose he is already not speaking to me and I still find it so confusinghow he WAS emailing me before I ran into him sept 30th when I was up in PA and since then NOTHING even though it was HIM who kept hugging me and telling me he wants to talk to me..WTF??? So I sent an email..saying a lot..and to see how messed up it is how close we were how we lived with 1 another for the past 4 yrs and now look at us..we still after 7months can't even talk to one another? that he asked my father to marry me and look at us now can't even get a call.. its sad and i never thought it would come to this..and i told him i atleast deserve a phone call..just 1 call..ive been patient for several months now and i deserve it..

he read the email yesterday morning and has still not written me back and i all this is doing is making me feel like the past 4yrs of my life with him were a lie..im in shock that he can't talk to me..part of me thinks hes not ok with our breakup and thats why he can't speak to me bc he is hurting to and this is his way of dealing with it bc if he was ok with it he would be able to talk to me..there is something there that is making him not want to speak to me..something..

 

so i sent it..probably shouldn't have..but im sick of the rules..its BS when u had the kind of rs that we had..its killing me..

any input would be great..i know everyone has said so much move on, etc but i do try and move on ..doesnt mean it takes the pain away..why can't we both just look past this and atleast speak to one another..why even tell me u want to talk to me...somethings causing him to not be able to call me...maybe its hurt..or maybe he just doesn't care at all...after 4 yrs i find that hard to believe..or hey i could be wrong..

[BannaBee57]

Do you think if you guys talked on a regular basis but he still never wanted you back it would be better for you?

 

I doubt it.

 

If you guys have contact you will probably harbor some hope that you will get him back and even make attempts to get him back. But, if he doesn't want to try again then there will be nothing you can do to change his mind. He will just have to keep hurting you. This is probably why he isn't contacting you...he knows you want more and he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

This is why a friendship between exs when one party wants more will never work.

 

I know this is really painful to hear, but in this situation I think that not contacting him is your best bet, otherwise you will continue to hurt yourself when he doesn't reciprocate. This is why you're not healing...your not giving yourself time to.

[fjk82]

I know and Im sure that is what hes thinking. I guess I find it VERY VERY hard to believe and understand how he loved me so much for so many years and we were going to get married and IM THE ONE that left him and only 7months after our break up hes totally fine without me and knows he doesn't want to be with me. I dont get that..How someones feelings can change so fast. I have a hard time believeing it I really do. Its not like he left me Im the one that broke us up we were together for 4yrs and lived together and when he knew I was thinking about leaving he flipped out and was crying all the time and this man does not cry and begging me to stay and how he can't live without me, etc. Everyone that knew us (friends, family, etc) are shocked that hes like this now. Just 7months ago right before I left him hes saying we need to buy a house and he can't be without me etc..

 

I just checked my email and my heart DROPPED bc I saw there was a email from him..I open it...and it was only a sentence..A ****ing sentence is what I get..all it said was this

 

 

Sorry I havent gotton back to you sooner. I have to go now but I will email you or call you when I have time

 

Adam

 

 

Thats allllll I get and if he REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME why did he even waste his time sending me that? Thats what I dont get. if he really was over me and was ignoring me and didn't want to talk to me why even send me anything at all like he just did.....input please..i think im at the stage of my break up on the angry stage

[BannaBee57]

I know it's hard for you to believe that after all those loving years he is no longer in love with you. Not to be harsh, but you should start believing it because virtually the same thing happened to me. I hurt him by saying I wanting a break, then I wanted him back but he had moved on. When you give someone a reason to stop loving you it is a lot easier for them.

 

Obviously I still hope for a reconciliation or I wouldn't be here. However, I see the value in leaving someone alone so that they realise just what life will be like without you. My ex isn't a dater, doesn't go out much, and only had 3 girlfriends in his 25 years of life, so I'm hoping that him being alone will make him realise that he misses me. This may take a while and maybe in the mean time I will be able to move on. The point is, you can't change his mind. He has to change it for himslef.

 

Now, on to this e-mail. Unless he really does want to talk to you I think it was pretty s***ty of him to send it. I know you probably don't agree, but if he doesn't want you back then he should not send you anyting to give you hope. This is not to say that his e-mail means he wants you back now. You have been badgering him for a reply so much that he may have just broken down because he didn't know what else to do. I know that in my case if my ex ever contacts me it will be because he wanted to, not because I was relenless in my persuit of a resoponse.

 

Does waiting for some stupid reply like that make you feel good at all? Probably not. Like you said, it mad you angery. Now why keep doing this to yourself? Why don't you just stop the e-mails and calls and let him contact you if he wants to? This way you won't always be waiting for him to respond and keeping your mind on him and what he might say.

 

I know its frustrating that you still feel so much pain about this still. But, you have to see that it's because you haven't allowed your self to heal at all. You continue to hurt youself, like waiting for that pathetic little e-mail he sent.

 

The only problem now is that you will be waiting for his next e-mail.

My suggestion is that if he doesn't tell you anything you want to hear in his next e-mail (if there is one) then you cease your attempts at contact and see if you don't feel better after a while.

 

I hope you will let this bit of anger you are feeling fuel you into moving on some.

 

I'll be waiting to hear what his next e-mail says so let us know.

[Ukwizard]

Obviously I still hope for a reconciliation or I wouldn't be here.

Fjk. Please take a note. You`re getting the chance of reconciliation. He`s replied back. DO NOT ruin this by chasing after him, and phoning him right away. Give it time! Your ex is probably not replying to you in the last 7 months because of all the hurt. Maybe he`s feeling, or getting better.

 

Remember I told you weeks ago to give it TIME. You have to take in what people say here. Don`t go badgering, phoning or texting him if he hasn`t replied. He has to come back to you. Be patient. Be VERY patient!

 

So stop being angry. At least he`s bothered to reply to you at all. Why is it women analyse anything, or everthing!

 

I still find it so confusing how he WAS emailing me before I ran into him sept 30th when I was up in PA and since then NOTHING even though it was HIM who kept hugging me and telling me he wants to talk to me..WTF??? So I sent an email..saying a lot..and to see how messed up it is how close we were how we lived with 1 another for the past 4 yrs and now look at us..we still after 7months can't even talk to one another? that he asked my father to marry me and look at us now can't even get a call.. its sad and i never thought it would come to this..and i told him i atleast deserve a phone call..just 1 call..ive been patient for several months now and i deserve it..

You see what I mean? All the above has been analysed. Stop it now! Concentrate on the present, and the future. You`re NOT going to get back with him if you talk like that.

 

To be absolute honest. I got fed up with some of your posts. Just read them all over again. There`s no chang in you. Everything has been analysed, or wanting to be together again.

 

You have to understand you left selfishly in the beginning. Without a hint of any problems, and without saying a word. His mother dies. Now you want to be together again. That indeed is VERY selfish. You have to give your ex time to repair his emotional hurt.

 

Of course your angry. I still recommend some more NC, or RC for you to reflect on the past. You can`t just walk out of someone`s life like that, and then come waltzing back in again. You have to make them feel special. It was a mistake. They have to feel secure before they will take you back.

 

The fact is that he`s actually replied to you, and you say....

 

I just checked my email and my heart DROPPED bc I saw there was a email from him..I open it...and it was only a sentence..A ****ing sentence is what I get..all it said was this

First of all. Again! You done it again. Stop analysing everything he does, or says. If you keep on doing this and trying to find answers that dont exist. Your not going to get back. I REALLY hope you are listening to me.

 

Sorry I havent gotton back to you sooner. I have to go now but I will email you or call you when I have time

 

Adam

 

His email is probably genuine. He`ll get back to you when he is free, and not busy. I ve sent an email like this before to acknowledge that I m busy.

 

Give it about 3 or 4 days before you reply. If you do, be fun, light hearted, and no talking about the relationship.

 

You have to build up security, and trust. If you start hunting, for answers then you will be back at square one.

 

Now I ve said my part Fjk. I want some feedback in what I ve said, and I mean feedback. If there`s none. I ll go into NC lol.

 

Remember. Keep smiling, and be the fun one your ex wants to get back. When I mean fun. I don`t be immature. Be yourself when you were, when you first met, and not the down, out and depressed ex who only wants one thing to get back their happiness.

 

P.s Your input Fjk please.

[Island Girl]

I know and Im sure that is what hes thinking. I guess I find it VERY VERY hard to believe and understand how he loved me so much for so many years and we were going to get married and IM THE ONE that left him and only 7months after our break up hes totally fine without me and knows he doesn't want to be with me. I dont get that..How someones feelings can change so fast. I have a hard time believeing it I really do. Its not like he left me Im the one that broke us up we were together for 4yrs and lived together and when he knew I was thinking about leaving he flipped out and was crying all the time and this man does not cry and begging me to stay and how he can't live without me, etc. Everyone that knew us (friends, family, etc) are shocked that hes like this now. Just 7months ago right before I left him hes saying we need to buy a house and he can't be without me etc..

 

Hey there.

 

So I have still been checking in. Reading posts but it was good that other people jumped in to write to you too. A lot of what was posted is what I have said in previous posts but perhaps 'hearing' it from others helped.

 

Have you stopped at all to think that he is not acting 'predictable' because he has never been through anything like this before? The break-up with you, the death of his mother - no one reacts the exact same way under severe and very different circumstances.

 

You're going to have to take it in stride. Just keep perspective. Keep in mind he is going through this while you are going through this too. One day at a time fjk82. One day at a time.

 

if he really was over me and was ignoring me and didn't want to talk to me why even send me anything at all like he just did.....input please..i think im at the stage of my break up on the angry stage

 

 

This is why NC is for YOU more than him. It helps both people get a handle on themselves and get back to a good place to communicate rationally and without anger or (worse) desperation.

 

Had you reached this stage without e-mailing, it probably would not have happened like this - with you having this reaction.

 

But it has so let's deal with it.

 

You have been practically screaming for any kind of contact. Any kind of a move on his part. But he finally does send you an e-mail back and it isn't enough.

Now, I completely understand you want more, however, he did send SOMETHING. He reached out for the first time. From everything you have said it should be making you HAPPY that he sent a reply AT ALL. Truly I think it is more than you really expected isn't it?

 

This is exactly why I said work on yourself first.

 

Your feelings and emotions are all wrapped up in a jumble. There is no way you could have a conversation with him without it flipping all around from one emotion to the next without any control.

 

Don't you think he is going around and around in his head too? Isn't it possible? So just relax.

 

If he does write more, great. If he doesn't - possibly he hasn't enough time to sort it all out either - the door has been opened.

 

There is a sliver of light now in the void of darkness. Take a breath and understand Rome wasn't built in a day. This isn't all going to be magically fixed or explained or whatever in a day or a few e-mails either.

 

This is all about time. I have said that and said that. There is always time. Always.

 

So now he wrote you back. It is a chance to start dialogue. But it has to be slowly and should not be a great push to get anything accomplished on your side. Please don't start desperately writing, texting, or calling. Just let him take the time he has requested to respond. Take each step as it comes without pushing for a bunch of answers and certainly don't get into a discussion about feelings. Go slowly. For you and for him - just go slowly.

[D-Lish]

Patience is soooo very important at this point.

The advice you're getting is good. A door has been opened a tiny crack, if you try and force it, it's gonna get slammed shut. But if you wait it out and play your cards right, you have a chance to see him open it a little more.

 

You have to wait for him to gather his thoughts and make the contact.

 

Sometimes when people get their heart broken, they completely shut down and guard it from happening again.

 

I waited 2 months before I finally got a small reply to a text message- which freaked me out. Now I'm waiting too...

 

Patience my dear, don't go after him.

:-)

D

[Ukwizard]

This is all about time. I have said that and said that. There is always time. Always.

 

(Quote from Island girl) Exactly!, but I ve said this all before in my previous posts!!

 

(Quote from D-lish)Patience is soooo very important at this point.

The advice you're getting is good. A door has been opened a tiny crack, if you try and force it, it's gonna get slammed shut. But if you wait it out and play your cards right, you have a chance to see him open it a little more.

 

And like a broken record. Prevousily I mentioned on how to get your foot in the door. Dont be like an aggressive salesman. Don`t force your way back in to his door. He`s opened a `tiny crack`.

 

If you play your cars right then you`ll start communicating again. You can do RC here, and wait a few days to reply back. If he`s written something small then reply small. Something like, `Great to hear you are okey, look forward to hearing from you`.

 

The thing with NC is good when you are apart because it doesnt cause any damage to getting back. The probelm is when they contact you! In my experience, its best to reply back to your ex when they are back in touch with you. Woa! Not in a big rush, and by getting back in touch really quickly. Why? It shows you havent got over them yet. it shows you cant live without them. You have to start with little baby steps first.

 

Now back to say about NC. If you do NC here, your ex will feel all confused , and wonder why your not contacting him anymore. Some people think this is all game playing. Mirror your ex`s actions. If he doesnt want to talk, then dont. If he writes smll replies then you write back with a small reply.

 

I have to say this again. When you do make contact. Make sure you are not fishing for answers. Its pressure on them. Tell him what you`ve been up to. Dont tell him how much you miss him until later on when communication is definite. If you start getting all clingy again. He`ll nose dive into NC.

 

Remember to play your cards right.

[miss snoopy]

Great posts from Bannabee57, UK Wizard, Island girl and D Lish. I have no more to add to what they've said as they're spot on, but will only reiterate what UK Wizard has been saying, fjk82 - please read and take on board what others are saying and stop scanning individual posts looking for what you want to hear - you're not helping yourself! You must learn to use this board reflectively and stop over analysing every little thing and going over the past as you're not letting yourself heal.

[fjk82]

Hey everyone thank you again for allll the input..I will respond to EVERYONE especially you UKWIZARD

 

BUT something happend last night..

 

Right after work I dropped my girlfriend off at the airport bc shes flyin up north for t-giving and I told her to call me as soon as she landed and she said ok prolly be around 11:30ish..So I left the airport and went to a very nice dinner with 1 of the guys I am kinda seeing..So I get home and throw my purse on my couch and go into my room and go to bed..Around 11:30ish I hear my phone going off and I assumed it was my girlfriend telling me she landed fine so I didn't bother to get up and go in the other room to pick it up. So i went to sleep...Well this morning I get up and Im getting ready for work and I finally look at my phone and it said missed called adam cell @ 11:45pm

my heart dropped..he didn't leave a message so i am very very afraid that it was another one of those "mistaken" phone calls like i have posted here before. im sure u guys all remember..

so now i dont know what to do..i have not called him back yet and im going to wait and see what everyone here thinks i should do...i really want to talk to him..

[miss snoopy]

so now i dont know what to do..i have not called him back yet and im going to wait and see what everyone here thinks i should do...i really want to talk to him..

 

If he needed to speak to you he could have either left a message or rung back. There's no need for you to do anything, if he wants to speak to you he knows your number. If you feel you MUST do something, send him an sms/text message in a couple of days saying you saw a missed call from him. But only if the choice is between ringing him, emailing him or texting him.

 

In my previous suffocating, desperate persona I'd have pathetically rung him back immediately, desperate for crumbs. Thanks to LS I've moved on from being that sort of person, and I hope LS helps others do this.

[BannaBee57]

I would probably wait a few days to see if he calls you back. If he doesn't I think I would write him an e-mail like "Hey, I saw that you called me the other night. I didn't hear my phone ring What's up?"

 

Just curious though, if you guys talk but he still doesn't want to get back together are you going to feel any better about the situation?

 

My ex just made contact with me to supposedly "see if I'm OK" and it made me feel like sh*t! Read my post if you think you have any input...it is a pretty bad feeling to know that you still love then but they "just want to be friends".

[Ukwizard]

Great posts from Bannabee57, UK Wizard, Island girl and D Lish. I have no more to add to what they've said as they're spot on, but will only reiterate what UK Wizard has been saying, fjk82 - please read and take on board what others are saying and stop scanning individual posts looking for what you want to hear - you're not helping yourself! You must learn to use this board reflectively and stop over analysing every little thing and going over the past as you're not letting yourself heal.

 

Thanks Miss Snoopy. I totally agree with what you have to say about wanting to hear what Fjk, wants to hear. I was the exact same until I got told off by one of my friends. He criticisied how I looked for other peoples stories on teh net. Trying to find out if people have ever got back together, or not.

 

You can`t compare. Its because love comes, and goes whenever it wants. Maybe one day Fjk will meet someone else. I don`t know. In fact we all don`t know because the future hasn`t happened yet. So what YOU do now will affect the future.

 

I m dating again, but it doesn`t mean my ex has gone. She will always be there.

 

Back to what I was saying. Do you recall I wrote a thread about my ex who rang me. I posted a smaller part of the story here too.

 

Well, a couple of months ago. My ex`s name appeared on my mobile. I was in shock, and didnt know what to do. So what did I do? Well, I left it, because if it was important she would phone me again. Do you know what? She did. After an hour, and a half later my mobile goes off again, and it was her!!

 

On the second ring, I answered the call, only to find giggling in the background, and my ex saying "(ex`s daughters name), give the phone back to me!) Obviousily my ex had been talking about me to someone. How do I know this?

 

Well, it turns out her youngest daughter stole her phone to call me. I recieved a text 30 minutes later saying she didnt mean to call, and she was sat at her talking on her landline. Of course she was talking about me, beacuse someone on this site said an 11 year old girl does not take it upon herself to ring her mothers ex boyfriend!

 

So what I mean here, is just because he`s gone. It doesnt mean `they` stop thinking about you.

 

So to give some feedback about your scenario. I think NC should be changed to RC now. Your ex obviousily wants to speak to you. The fact that hes called so late in the evening is because he may have been out drinking. I don`t know, but like I said if it was important he would call again. I used to do exactly the same as other people, and would phone, or text straight away. I would give it 1 day before texting back. Anything longer is like either taking the piss, playing games, showing lack of interest, or commitment. Whatever you do, don`t wait too long to reply back.

 

What I would do, would be to text him saying your sorry you missed the call, and say in the text something like,

 

"Sorry, I missed you call. Its lovely to hear from you again. I m free on Friday evening, if you want to have a chat, and catch up"

 

I think this puts the ball in his court. Its better in a sense you give HIM the opportunity to call. He has to come back to you. It looks like he`s coming round to talk. First an email, and then, a phone call. It could be a meeting if you play your cards right. Stick to emails, and texts for now.

 

Remember NOT to drag up the past when you talk!

[fjk82]

Hey all thanks again for all the responses I will find time either late tonight or tomorrow sometime to write everything I want and all my responses. I just wanted to give you guys a quick update. So as u know I had the missed call from him Friday night at 11:45PM no message was left..So yesterday all day I was talking to everyone seein what I should do and everyone said call him back..dont play games..so finally around 6ish i called and he didn't answer....go figure..and his voice mail was full so i couldn't leave a damn message...he has not called me back. so just now i sent him an email and said hey i saw that i missed ur call friday night..i called ya back but ur voicemail was full..i told him whenever he has some more free time to give me a call and i told him im driving down to my dads n palm beach for the holiday and im goin down there wednesday and that would be good for me since ill be on a 4hour drive alone..he knows the drive because every year he is normally with me..i kept it short and sweet..i couldn't send him a text message because he doesn't have tx on his cell phone..i guess we will see but its killing me..he finally calls fri night and i miss it or maybe it was a mistake again..i dunno...pray for me ya'll...ill write more later <3 i really hope i can talk to him..im prayin he will call again

[BannaBee57]

Hey fjk82,

 

I think you did good. I guess I wouldn't have called him...probably just went directly to e-mail. But, no harm done! Hopefully he'll call you on the drive down and you guys can have a nice little chat. Just remember to keep it light

 

I think everyone is giving you some good advice here so if it doesn't work out after all at least you'll know you did your best.

 

Speaking of advice, UKWIZARD, you have been giving some good tips to fjk82 and you really helped me out when I first came here. Maybe you could check out my latest dilemma and give me some feedback. It would be much appreciated!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t104611/

[fjk82]

Ok Im going to type as much as possible while looking back at everyones past posts lately before I leave work and head to the gym..

 

 

 

UKWIZARD--

Your right I over analyze EVERYTHING. Its something I have always tried to stop doing but never ever can. I will overanalyze a situation over and over again in my head and go with it. Its crazy I dont know how to stop it. I didn't respond back to him right away. I waited until 6ish the next night and called but no answer and his voicemail was full so I couldnt leave a message. So last night I emailed him something very short and sweet. Saying I saw he called...etc Well he read that this morning and did not write me back. I am so damn confused at this point.. Did he not MEAN to call me Friday night? Was he drunk? Maybe his phone called me on accidcent who knows..But Im really hurt. He finally calls me and I missed the call..Figures with my luck. i KNOW I left selfishley when I left him but Ive said it before and ill say it again it was a mistake..I am only human..There was no cheating or anything like that it was just me and my feelings and I acted on them and now look at me. Im back down in FL alone without him and missing him every second of every day while it seems as though hes totally fine living his life. Ive been dealing with this for 7months now and it kills me..I try to be positive UKWIZARD but after awhile I need to wake up and realize hes not coming back. Just because other people in this world get back together unfortunally doesn't mean we will...Its not fair

With the holidays coming up I am going to want to call him and wish him a happy t-giving and merry christmas bc this is going to be his 1st year without mom around and I can't imagine what he is going thru..but i also dont want to seem like a psycho whos calling..ya know? im worried..im worried about the missed call from him..he hasn't called me back..or replied to my email about missing his call....what does all of this mean??

im sorry u have been fed up but i come here to vent when i can't take the pain anymore..to let it all out..i also come here for advice and try to follow it as much as i can..

i need to get to the gym now i will write more tonight when im home and have some time and i look forward to everyones thoughts onhis missed call, etc...LET ME KNOW

[miss snoopy]

im worried..im worried about the missed call from him..he hasn't called me back..or replied to my email about missing his call....what does all of this mean??

im sorry u have been fed up but i come here to vent when i can't take the pain anymore..to let it all out..i also come here for advice and try to follow it as much as i can..

i need to get to the gym now i will write more tonight when im home and have some time and i look forward to everyones thoughts onhis missed call, etc...LET ME KNOW

 

OK.. my thoughts on his missed call - he was drunk. He misdialled. It was a dare. He had a nanosecond of nostalgia which passed. Whetever it is, he's not calling/texting/emailing you back. That is the most important thing, the present. So please, please, try not to over-analyse the past - you'll only end up more confused. The only thing that's loud and clear to me is this - at this point in time your ex is not looking for a relationship with you. Try and do your own thing for your own sanity and do not initiate any contact from now on.

[fjk82]

All the feelings above is what I am going thru right now. I dont understand why I am being put thru this. I really feel as though I have been put thru so much hurt and pain concerning my X and I really feel like I can't take it anymore. And what I mean when I say the can't take it anymore Im talking about these "trick" phone calls. Its not fair and I really feel as though Ive already been thru so much pain dealing with this break up that when that call showed up as a missed call and I have not heard from him sence it really gets to me and I can't understand why. Why this is happening. Come on guys its obvious hes not coming back to me and it kills me. To see my entire future gone..I can't take it..Its not fair.Everyone deserves a 2nd chance..Why not me..And why am I the one that the "phone call" thing happens to? A person can only take so much..

 

I try and hold on the the hope..That he still must love me.MMaybe he nees time to realize what its like without me..Hes still hurt over me..Hes trying to be tough...Etc but come on its been 7months and NOTHING..I see now these are all things Ive made up in my mind while hes out living his life drinking and being with his friends and doing god only knows what else..I feel like the past 4yrs of my life have been a lie..Nobody can stop that kind of love just on a dime..

 

Sorry for the rambling but I needed to vent..I dont even feel anymore..And Ill never be the same again..

[BannaBee57]

Oh girl,

 

I feel the exact same way as you do right now. I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up when he showed up at the bar the other night, but I just couldn't help it! I thought that maybe, just maybe he had come to his sences, you know?

 

Now it's been 5 days and I haven't heard anything from him and I'm starting to think it was just a moment of weakness for him. I'm just trying to pretend it was all a dream. It feels like he knew I was starting to come out of it and realise that it was truely over so he had to pop in a ruin my life again. I know he's not a malicious person like that, but it's just how I feel right now because I'm so hurt and angery!

 

I feel like we both deserve second chances and we could both really make it work this time around, but our exs are just so damn stubborn. I guess we don't always get what we deserve, do we? But, they will not have any easy time replacing us, that's for sure! I hope that one day down the road they think of us and realise the mistake they made and we hount their memories forever. Just like they are doing to us (I know that's a little dark but I'm pissed right now!!).

 

I don't know if I'm having such a hard time because he was my first everything. Was Adam the first guy you truely felt "in love" with? Maybe that's just the first love curse...it takes longer to get over. I know you feel like you will never be the same, and thats true...we are never the same after a relationship. People come in and out of our lives and change and mold us into the people we are. But, this doesn't mean that you can't be equally as good as you were before...just different. I know after we are both done healing and mourning our losses, the right guys will come along for us and wash away all the sadness we feel right now. It's just a matter of waiting for it (wishful thinking ).

 

Hang in there girl, and write more when you need to. Remember, we are in the same boat right now so we can lean on each other. Feel free to PM me if you want to

[Ukwizard]

Fjk, you are really disappointing me now. Just read the first few sentences of your last post.

 

I dont understand why I am being put thru this. I really feel as though I have been put thru so much hurt and pain

Hang on just one second. Your ex hasn`t hurt you! What are you talking about!? To be honest, its the other way round. You hurt him good by leaving after 4 years. You chose to leave him, hurt him, and now you go and blame him for hurting you!

 

Come on. Get a grip! Get a grip now on your life. This ALL wouldn`t have happened if you left in the first place - would it? STOP! blaming him for your actions.

 

You aint going to get back to him if keep blaming him. It will show that when you do get together, your going to demand for answers. Have you actually read through your whole thread. You still sound the exact same months ago. There`s not even the slightest hint of any chnage in you way of thinking. I m worried for you now because your so focussed on your ex. You might actually do something stupid to ruin your chances.

 

You`re still not ready to talk to your ex. Trust me. I was in the the same position as you when my ex left. I still had strong feelings for her. When my ex left me. I phoned her every couple of weeks. I asked, analysed, and focussed on what went wrong. Sometimes you have to let them go. Don`t talk about them. REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE SECOND CHANCES DON`T WORK IS BECAUSE ALL THE PREVIOUS PROBLEMS ALWAYS RESURFACE.

 

Let him go for now. You haven`t lost him. He know where you are, and he knows how to contact you.

 

I m not asking you to ignore the problems. Concentrate on yourself, and on the sideline look, or find opportunities to talk to you ex. Remember in my previous post I mentioned my ex texted me after 4 months of NC. It was late at night too, and she`s a heavy wine drinker. Unfortunately I was watching TV with a friend, so I missed a chance to talk to her. I m not going to beat myself over that am I. There will be other opportunites in the future that will give you a chance to talk.

 

However don`t beat yourself over a missed call. It will happen again. I already said that his call was late at night, and it probably indicated he may have been out, been drinking, and got drunk. Alcohol exaggerates your feelings, and obviousily he`d been missing you so drunk called you. I know this because like you said. In the morning he must have sobbered up. Read your email. Came to his senses, and left, or delayed replying back.

 

when I say the can't take it anymore Im talking about these "trick" phone calls

LISTEN TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING!

 

Who said you ex was tricking you!! Give it a break. I told you my opinion about a possible late night drunken call before anyone else started to jump on the band wagon.

 

Its not fair and I really feel as though Ive already been thru so much pain dealing with this break up

Life`s not fair. All this pain caused by you, and now you cant deal with it. You have to think back 7-8 months ago, what the deciding factor was before you left. If you truly loved him, you wouldnt have left in the first place. Please dont give me this story about his mother, and because you didnt like P.A. I know there`s more to it. You just dont walk out on someone because of their mother, or the place you live. It doesnt work like that. Its the overall package isnt it!?

 

Come on guys its obvious hes not coming back to me and it kills me. To see my entire future gone..I can't take it..Its not fair.Everyone deserves a 2nd chance..Why not me..And why am I the one that the "phone call" thing happens to? A person can only take so much..

Yes everyone deserves a second chance, but you have to convince them the second time round that YOU will stay the next time you get back. Your ex may in fact be harbouring some deep sided insecurity about why you have left, and if it will happen again in the future. Your beginning to sound VERY selfish here. Think about your poor ex, and everything he`s just went through. Its possible before his mother died. She warned him about you, and how you might leave. When this happened, and she died. That must have affected him so much, and your ex is now maybe complimenting his mothers dying wishes not to take you back.

 

He`s confused. He`s hurt. So support him, be happy for him, let go for now. The main thing is he`s not going on dating websites, so it proves he`s still in love with you.

 

I try and hold on the the hope..That he still must love me.Maybe he nees time to realize what its like without me..Hes still hurt over me..Hes trying to be tough...Etc but come on its been 7months and NOTHING..I see now these are all things Ive made up in my mind while hes out living his life drinking and being with his friends and doing god only knows what else..I feel like the past 4yrs of my life have been a lie..Nobody can stop that kind of love just on a dime..

Yeah, like you said. All this emtional hurt you are bringing up, and blaming your ex is definitely in your mind. Of cousre, you cant stop him going out frinking, and being with his friends.

 

You left him for a reason, and until he understands why you left in the fisrt place. He`s not going to take you back is he? The basics to get someone back is time. A hell of a lot of it. It took me 3 years before 6 years before I could talk to one of my distant exs on a adult level without dragging up the past.

 

So what I m saying here is you have to read your entire last post. It makes me cringe how you can say hes playing tricks on you, and hurting you when the real person that got hurt in the first place was your boyfriend

 

Sorry for the rambling but I needed to vent..I dont even feel anymore..And Ill never be the same again..

Yes, vent all you want, but LS is not just about venting your hurt, pain or anger. Its also about talking to one another to keep each other strong. How to work out a strategy to get our exs back. To get that ultimate deal. A second chance.

[fjk82]

UK--

That is what kills me the most and is the hardest to deal with every day of my life that I did this to myself and to him. That the only reason Im feeling this way and living my life without him every single day is because of me. How do you think that makes me feel?? HORRIBLE and I can't take it BUT it also shows me where I stand with him after all these years. People make mistakes and he can't even talk to me after almost 8months of break up?? When we were together for 4years and everything else and how he couldn't live without me etc. Well you know what if you really felt that way there would be NO WAY he could go this long without even speaking to me.

I was going to call him on thanksgiving to wish him and his dad a happy holiday (remember this is the 1st time without his mom) but I didnt...i was talkin to my dad and he said it straight up..he doesn't want to hear from you

so that stuck n my head..and i never called..im sure he thought i was going to..but i never did...not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing..im scared that if i "let him go" that he will be gone forever..that he will never contact me bc look its been 8months and he still hasn't..its so hard for me to understand i dont ****ing get it..

i had to go to the ER on wednesday for the entire day for a migrane..im scared that was started bc of stress..

 

alll i see on myspace is pics of him going out with his friends and drinkin gettin wasted and dancing...HE NEVER DANCES..so that shows me hes really tryin to hide his feelings..or maybe thats just me tellin myself this..

 

and UK you tell me i need to convince him for a 2nd chance...HOW DO I DO THIS?? when he wont even talk to me ONCE..?

[fjk82]

UK

Also when u say hes confused, hurt, etc how do u know?? he seems FINE from what it looks like..what if the truth is he really is over me and thats that..

hes goin out with his friends drinking A LOT and probably hookin up with a bunch of younger girls that hes around in all these pics. its making me sick..i dont know this person..at all..the person i knew wanted to marry me and settle down now hes living like hes back n college

[Ukwizard]

Hey Fjk

 

Now thats more like it. A bit of adult debate. No arguing, or analysing, but just talking. That`s good, because it means we can talk too, and help you find a way, and resolve this past relationship.

 

UK

Also when u say hes confused, hurt, etc how do u know??

Of course, I know. I`m a man after all. When my ex left me. I went crazy. I hit the bottle, drank, smoked (I don`t smoke), and went out of the house at all hours. Wanted to get into fights, went looking for trouble too. I became, angry, sad, desparate, and every emotion you will ever know.

 

hes goin out with his friends drinking A LOT and probably hookin up with a bunch of younger girls that hes around in all these pics. its making me sick..i dont know this person..at all..

Like, I said. He`s confused, and hurt by you. No wonder he`s gone on a bender. He just wants some `me` time now. Let him be, and let him make his mistakes.

 

How do I feel about it all? I feel terrible too. When my ex left me, I did exactly the same. People deal with things in different ways. You can`t be his psychologist now. You can`t be his counsellor, or girlfriend. Why? Its because he doesn`t want to talk to you.

 

Okay, maybe when he`s on a bender, and when he`s feeling down. He`ll want to call you. This, however is in an act of desparation, and when he`s sobered up. It shows he still doesnt want to talk to you. Whether its drunk dialling, or texting. I have to tell you now if you`re going to do it. You HAVE to be in control. Any amount of desparation, or stupidity will reflect on how you get back together.

 

Do you want to add more history when you DO get back together? No!! Thats why NC, or RC is there to help you.

 

I ve always been a advocate of RC, but that means when you do. You have to keep it light. No huge emails. No emails every day. Make it show that you can live a life without them. If you do have to email them, then email them light hearted stuff, and keep them updated that you are enjoying life.

 

You CAN`t go on, and on asking why? why? why? You left for a reason. The reason I know isn`t because of his mother, or P.A. There`s more to it, but you`ve chose not to answer. This is where i m led to believe there`s more to it. Hey, its okay if you don`t want to talk about it.

 

Think about it!! Just one second. Think why you hang out with your best friend, or friends. Why? Okay, its because they make you feel good. They make you laugh. They are there when you need them.

 

Now, contrast this with a `friend`, who chose to disappear from your life without any explanation. After a few months, `they` come back strong, emailing, phoning and texting to come back. Now would you really take that from a friend. I wouldnt take that kind of cr*p. So you have to be in control, and show him you made a mistake, and come slowly back into his life.

 

I ve already mentioned about the aggressive salesman, and also about giving your ex time. I ve mentioned about focusing on yourself too, and finding about the true answers why you left in the first place. Remember, I said to date other people too.

 

The fact that you`ve not done any of this shows, you`ve not progressed to become a better person to get back with your ex.

 

This is EXACTLY why your ex is not coming back , because he`s not only confused, and hurt. He`s now AFRAID your the same person you where when you left 7 months ago, and hes AFRAID to go through the same scenario again that whe you do come back. You will only leave again!!

 

Convince him. Well, I cant answer that for you, because only you know him, but what I do know from my past experience is that I have a lot of time for people who think about me, and give me time. People who show their commitment, by being there, when I need then. I can`t convince you, to `convince` him to come back, but what I need to say to you is maybe you have to let this go, because letting your ex make his mistakes. See other girls, and find out they are a waste of time - is the ONLY way he can covince himself that he has made a mistake, and he`ll them come back.

 

This is exactly what I ve said all along. You can`t focus only on him now. You`ve made a mistake. You know that, but it doesn`t mean you`ll ever get back.

 

One day you will meet a man that`s maybe 100 times better than your ex. You can`t stop looking for a new partner, and just focusing on your ex, because he may NEVER come back.

 

You`ve made a mistake. Now learn from it!!

[phoenix21]

Ukwizard

 

What does RC mean?

 

FJK... I would have to agree with Ukwizard. You have to work on yourself first, even date a little. I've been broken up for 3 months now and I too want to get back with my ex.

 

Since my breakup I've been trying to do things to better myself. I've taken dance classes, started to work out a little, read books, and started to learn to cook. Even though I want my ex back, I also know that it would be better for me to also date other people.

 

When I feel like I'm ready, I might initiate contact with my ex. Until then, I'm still gonna work on bettering myself. And while I'm working on myself, it also gives my ex space and hopefully time to miss me.

 

So work on yourself first, because if you don't, if you do get back together and nothing is different, it's going to end up with the same results.

[Ukwizard]

Hi Phoenix,

 

RC, is Reduced Contact. That can be anything from once a week, to 1 a month depending how severe your relationship ended.

 

RC can be a way to show your ex you still care about them. Wether it be sending them a birthday card, or christmas card. However this all depends on your `friendship`, with your ex. If you are still friends, then BE A FRIEND, and nothing more. Don`t show your pain, or hurt. It will scare them, and it can put a strain on your friendship.

 

Some argue over this, and say its not right to be in contact when a new man, or woman is around. S I say it all depends on your relationship status with your ex.

 

When I feel like I'm ready, I might initiate contact with my ex. Until then, I'm still gonna work on bettering myself. And while I'm working on myself, it also gives my ex space and hopefully time to miss me.

Correct, you have to show that you have improved instead of being the same person they left you for.