My wife had a one night stand with my friend - I am devestated !

[insomnie]

It sounds to me like your wife let herself be taken advantage of. She made a bad decision by putting herself in a dangerous situation and probably going along with it to some extent...but for what it's worth, she WAS exploited, it WAS out of character for her, and she came clean and sounds incredibly guilty. I'm not saying it wasn't her fault, but she was probably counting on the other guy being your friend and putting a stop to things before they got out of hand...and isntead of "taking care of her" like she expected he took advantage of the situation. She was incredibly naive in behaving this way but I really think she loves you and is the kind of cheater that will never do it agian. So, give the marraige a chance... everyone makes mistakes, and a lot of people make mistakes of this gravity and worse.

 

It also sounds like this particular episode is symptomatic of deeper problems in your relationship, just like most one-night-stands and affairs are. I get the sense that you are gone a lot, and, possibly because of all the moving around for your job, your wife does not have a very strong sense of purpose and self. It sounds like she's relying on you to fulfill her, and because you can't always do that, she is lonely and possibly depressed. I don't know how you could help her with this, but I think she will have to find herself outside of your relationship before you two can really have a healthy one. It's hard to be with a perosn who is emotionally unstable and dependent on their partner for self-definition, because you can't always be there for her, and she has to learn to rely on herself (and not on your friends, as you both found out) for happiness and purpose.

 

I would suggest after all this has calmed down you talk to her about her goals in life and her feelings. Does she work? Maybe she can pursue a career of her own.

[lighthouse]

Again I disagree about it being your fault but that is not the point I am trying to make in this post. I really think that you should consider the fact that this man is a sexual predator and should warn as many people as possible about him. I also wonder if, and I could be being WAY TOO dramatic here, she should be tested for possible date rape drugs. This just does not sound like the activities of a "friend" even a cra**y friend. It sounds like a predator.

LH

[luvstarved]

HMmm...here are a few of my thoughts from a woman's point of view.

 

First, I don't think that a woman being flirtatious is "unaware" of the impact on the men around her.

 

Second, the truth is, you have no way of knowing the whole truth here. You weren't there. You say your wife is not that emotionally robust to begin with so I'm not sure there is any way of even getting a compelling theory to work with. How do you know that it was the first and only time for example? Perhaps it was only the first time that she came home from such an activity and you were there instead of in another country, where she would have time to "get herself together"? I am not trying to stir things up, but it's a lot easier to get your poker face on if you have adequate time.

 

When I get sick from being drunk, I'm not having voluntary sex with anyone and chances are, nobody would want me to...

 

I do think it was a mistake to allow her to be escorted by a "trusted friend". Things build up, things happen, blah blah blah. I would not allow my husband to go around with a single woman while I was out of town, I don't care how much I trusted her. It is putting everyone involved in a touchy position.

 

I don't know what to tell you, but I don't think it is appropriate to be trying to divvy up the blame without much in the way of facts. Your friend could be a sexual predator, or he could be a man who just could only resist temptation so far...your wife could be an honest woman who had never done anything like this before and didn't know what she was doing or this could have been going on for a while but you were never there immediately after so she was able to have time to get on her poker face. It could have come out of the blue or it could have been building up between them over time...

 

What I would do is ask questions, then ask more questions, then ask the same questions over. Not so much in a nagging, interrogating way, but with as much of a loving "I just need to understand what happened" tone as possible...I find that when I do this, I eventually come up with what I think is the truth, because of inconsistencies in the story, eye contact, general intuition, etc. After I did that with my spouse, I would call the friend and tell them that I needed to hear from them what happened and repeat the process.

 

There are two things I really can't tolerate. One is dishonesty in general and the other is infidelity. I might be a lot more intolerant than other people on the board. My husband and I had done all our wild oats stuff before we were married and don't have any excuse to have curiosity about what else is out there. I told him before we were married that infidelity was non-negotiable and that if it ever happened, no matter what the circumstances, that would be it, and I meant it. I told him that it was not a matter of telling him what to do, he can F*** anybody he wants, but not keep me at the same time, the choice is his. So, maybe I am too harsh on this topic, but I am afraid that I don't generally believe in the "innocence" and "meaningless" part unless it was out and out rape. It's intentional and selfish and the epitome of disrespect for your spouse.

 

Ain't I a biotch? Anyway, I do feel very bad for you that this happened and I hope that you are able to work it all out in a way you can feel good about.

[LVspecB]

I told him before we were married that infidelity was non-negotiable and that if it ever happened, no matter what the circumstances, that would be it, and I meant it. I told him that it was not a matter of telling him what to do, he can F*** anybody he wants, but not keep me at the same time, the choice is his.

I might clean the language up a little , but you just summarized what I thought the vow and committment part of marriage was. Is this a surprise to anybody?

 

LVspecB

[Rob In NC]

Man, that's horrible. What really blows is that she went all the way with him. IMO, that is unacceptable. I don't care if alcohol was involved. That is no excuse. I wouldn't have my wife going out to bars or clubs just to get out of the house. Those are unhealthy environments.

[Guest]

I call bull**** on the story. She wasn't sick from booze. You don't have a hangover like that and want to have sex. On the plus side, she confessed immediately, which shows remorse. Also, slick deserves a punch in the nose for his efforts. I don't care what anyone else says. You might get arrested, but some things are worth a risk.

 

As far as your marriage goes, there is no easy answer for you. There are no guarantees, and no path that doesn't involve hurt. You have a lot invested, and she seems genuinely remorseful, so personally I'd give it one more shot just to say you tried. You need to give her a run for the money though. Set some rules that will impinge on her freedoms. None of this "Forgive and forget in a month." crap. If she's not willing to suffer a bit to atone, then she's not really remorseful at all. You'll have to decide on the specifics based on how you feel. At any rate, marriage counseling and individual counseling are a must. You'll also want to make damn sure this was actually a one night stand and not a date rape.

[Rooster_DAR]

I might clean the language up a little , but you just summarized what I thought the vow and committment part of marriage was. Is this a surprise to anybody?

 

LVspecB

 

The above statement shows me just how many people on this board truly understand what love and relationships are all about.

 

Great Statement LV!

[michelangelo]

come on, your wife is a grown woman. She actively decided to cheat on you with the so-called friend of yours.

 

Women are not the naive, passive lil thangs of days gone by.

 

In the year 2006 they don't get into situations that they don't want to be in.

 

The booze is a great excuse used by many, many cheaters.

 

He took advantage of me" s pretty shop-worn.

 

The truth is a different thing than what she has cried tears to you about.

[Guest]

Your friend was not a friend after all!!!! He took adavantage of her!!!! if she was that drunk and did not even relize that she was not home then o'my gosh, I would say to you that the wife is guilty only toi a point that she did have sex but if she was that wasted then she probly did not even know what was going on till the actual act!!!!!!! You see this is why drinking and men does not pay expecally when they are so called friends. he knew what he was going to do before he even got the taxi!!!!! if he was a true friend and really cared for your friendship he would have taken her home got her in the door and left!!!!!!! I would not blame your wife but your so called friend!!! if I were you then I would consider the marrage that is at stake!! if you love her understand if you were that drunk and it all happened to you in reverse shoes just like she said it happened you would be in the same boat as she was.

[Guest]

The reason I said it's his fault is because he is the one who initiated this get together in the first place.

 

I understand that the full intention was that other co-workers where to be there.....however, he chose a member of the opposite sex to escort her.

 

Even if the whole crew where there, it would still place her in a situation with him alone both having consumed alcohol at one point or another.

 

I think the better senario would've been a female escort....or even two....so, that's why I view this as his fault. It's just my opinion folks....take it or leave it....Judging by this thread, she hasn't had much success in doing this, otherwise, the OP wouldn't have attempted this. Surely there are women's workshops in their area that he could mention to her....

 

I dont truly think it is all his fault but you are right....first of all when drinking is involved and it is members of the oppisite sex, then dezaster is at the end of the day!!!!!! the fault truly lies with the so called friend and you know if she wanted to hide it she could have and she did not.... with her being sick and throwing up how do you know that the so called friend did not slip her something in her drink and got her to the house and then she not really knowing what was happening untill it was over!!!! I say beat his a** and maybe he will think of the next wife he takes advantage of!!! he** its only 50 to get you out of jail and maybe a court dat that you will win when you go. I would not say hurt him really bad but a good o whoop a** is in order I think.

[Grunt]

Firstly, thanks for all the input. I greatly appreciate the time taken by each of you to try and help me understand this !

 

It is now 4 days after the event and some additional details have come out. My wife has seen a psychologist twice, the phsychiatrist once and we have discussed the event in a lot of detail over and over several times.

 

I am struggling a bit with managment of my anger but so far I resisted the urge to visit my ex friend with violent intentions. If I come accross him at work (not very likely but possible) I am not really sure how I will react...

 

Probably the first key point to mention is the inclusion of a drug in the picture.

 

My wife had been prescribed Rivatril at a point in past to assist with anxiety (1 mg as required). On the evening of the event, being a very nervous of the social situation she expected to find with my work colleagues she made a mistake which I now believe is very critical (or wish to believe), she took 2 mg of Rivatril with a shot of vodka before going out. To make things worse, she had not eaten since lunch time. The phsychiatrist indicated Rivatril has the potential to double or tripple the effect of the alchohol in a fairly unpredictable way and may have, in combination with, caused a shut down of certain mental faculties, discretion, inhibition and judgment in general. Rivatril is a clonazipam similar to Rhohipnol and others...she has administered her own date rape drug....

 

.......having made this stupid mistake, the evening progressed as originally described although it turns out she had sex not once but twice. The first time in the bedroom, and then a second time in the shower afterwards.

 

Exploring the circumstances in details, she explains that she felt lonely needed to feel special and probably initiated the first sexual event. Once in the shower, she was approached for the second event and made no effort to resist. She describes the events in a way that suggests that she was very intoxicated, her memory of the accts themselves is fragmented with patches missing.

 

I am still confused. As reccomended by people who posted (thanks) I have focused on maintaining normalcy for our children and in supporting my wife strongly as she works through what is clearly an exceptional issue. At this stage I believe:

 

> My wife is telling the truth about what transpired (I have crosschecked the event with the friend over the phone and there no diffrence in the story and I guess I know her very well).

> The combination of the Rivatril and the alcohol is the root cause for my wifes out of character behaviour (maybe wishful thinking but this is supported strongly be the pshychiatrist).

> My wife is guilt riddled to the extreme an is prepared to do anything to make up for what has happened.

> I do feel a strong burden of responsibility / guilt as I allowed / encourage the circumstances under which this could happen.

> The ex friend I blame the most as, given the state my wife was in, he should have know better.....

 

The fact still remains...my wife led my ex-friend to believe that this was OK even when he asked. She actively encourage him to have sex and she did not activelu resist when he approach for a second go.

 

Can the combination of Rivatril and alcohol explain this....? Anyone who has experience with this type of combination please advise if this type of behaviour can result ?

 

After 4 days I am starting to feel tired an not sleeping to much...maybe tomorrow it is my turn to make an appointment with the psychologist.

[Moose]

I just have to say in light of this new information, I would probably kick your wife to the curb.

 

Drugs and alcohol are never a good mix. And yes, you could place a lot of the blame for the first encounter.....but the second???

 

Sorry, I don't buy it.....and I wouldn't stand for it.

 

If she felt so terrible about it, then why did she allow it to happen in the shower as well?

 

Drunk, and drugged.....if she can stand up in the shower and have sex....she wasn't too looped to stop it.....plain and simple....

[lighthouse]

Not entirely true Moose.

 

Grunt -

 

Let me explain something about myself. I have seizures and take medication for the seizures as well as Xanax. This means that I am not supposed to drink. I must admit that I do though (a couple of beers or wine with dinner maybe once a month). I have been taking this medication for one year and once I did drink WAY to much and my medication did interact and I had no clue what was going on. I could walk and talk but couldn't really make decisions. Luckily, I was out with a friend (a guy friend) who knew that something was wrong and literally picked me up, threw me over his shoulder and took me home. He called my boyfriend and told him that something was not right with me. My boyfriend met us and that was that. My friend knows me and knows my personality and when he saw me he knew that something was just not right.

 

I made a mistake however I was fortunate that I had a good friend. That being said I don't think that you can really blame her as some have suggested for what happened while she was under the influence.

 

HOWEVER, while taking these drugs you are told over and over what can happen. She knew that by taking this drug, a shot of vodka, not eating and then going to a bar with a creep (sorry but it is true) she would not be in control. So while I would hope you understand that the medication thing is very serious and is a possible reason why this event occurred, she chose to put herself in this position which makes her responsible for the actions that occurred even though the occurred while she was not able to make decisions.

 

It is simply not possible to be taking these medications and not know.

 

I am not an expert but I know what happens to me. I also believe, from what you have said, that your wife needs SERIOUS professional help.

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

LH

[AManWithTroubles]

Or it could even be possible that she was expecting sex, or something close to it, then chose to take the pills, plus the alcohol, to settle her nerves.

 

I apologize if that scenario hurts, but I wouldn't rule it out.

[Guest]

Man oh MAN! It's all bull****! She's trying to find any damn excuse that will fit. I would be furious! Fit to be tied! The real reason for remorse is probably the fact she forgot you'd be coming home that night! Don't buy into anything she's selling without giving it a good sniff first.

 

Dude, from here on in it's all on you. I can only advise you to not trust anything she say's at face value. You WORK with this a**wipe? That's just ducky. Whatever you do, make sure to give him what he deserves in some fashion. With any luck, you can intimidate him into quitting.

 

She want's to do anything to make it up huh? Tell her to go pick out, convince, and bring home the woman you get to sleep with! That'll stop the show!

 

At any rate, I'm sorry you have to go through all this.

[lighthouse]

I never thought about that one but yes, that could be true as well, unfortunately.

LH

[Grunt]

Last Post

 

I did not really sleep through the night but I did think too much.

 

Maybe I start to settle on some conclusions for what I perceive to be the key points:

 

> Going out to the pub: Planned with my encouragement.

Looked forward to by my wife because the previous time she had been with me she had a great time and felt the band had somehow sung to her (Mills & Boon). She had been feeling lonely because I was away travelling and we had had a rocky time since we arrived in the new city. She was particularly looking forward to the music. She felt this may make her feel special again.

 

> Consumption of Rivatril and alcohol prior to going out: Absolutely stupid but maybe understandable.

She has a history of nervousness around new people or social situations but should know very well that mixing the two is an absolute no. She may have subconsciously dismissed the risk as she had consumed moderate amounts of alcohol before at home after taking Rivatril without negative effect. The pressure from the group at the pub for her to have shots was hard to say no to given her relaxed state and the shots were the nail in the mental control coffin. Psychiatrist confirms Rivatril combined with alcohol may cause double or more effect and specific judgement control areas are affected similar to that of date rape drugs like rhohipnol. Half life of the Rivatril is 12 hours and she had a least 8 drink in a short period of time on an empty stomach. So potential impact is 16 to 24 drinks for someone close to 50 kg…

 

> Sex 1: The right mix of ingredients.

She should have been taken home but was not. She was heavily ‘intoxicated’ and, given her lonely, wanted to feel loved. The ex-friend had positioned her in the right place at the right time. Her recollection of the event is not detailed although she believes she said enough to lead the ex-friend on.

 

> Sex 2: Resistance was not attempted.

After Sex 1 the ex-friend proposed that she had a shower (perhaps this premeditated by him). After being in the shower for some time the ex-friend joined her. Despite some comments from her that it might not be very good to have sex in the shower, the ex-friend took a more dominant approach and resistance was not attempted.

 

> The Aftermath

After being at the ex-friends place for about 3.5 hours she returned home and with only a couple of quick “Where have you been’s ?” spilt the storey and entered a s[iral of guilt and depression.

 

> The Ex - friend

I have not wanted to consider this individual’s thought’s to much as the anger I feel may be difficult to control. I think, despite knowing him for near to 4 years, I badly misjudged him and incorrectly positioned my trust with an individual who is clearly scum. This mistake I will not make again ! This person we will both avoid contact with and has been warned firmly not to come close…..

 

My Wife:

> I also miscalculated my wife’s ability to handle this kind of situation. Anyone who feels they need to take a relaxant prior to going out should not be going out alone. This mistake we will not make again !

 

Questions that remain:

> Am I convinced of the relationship between the intoxication and the initiation of Sex 1 and do I understand it ??

 

What now ?

> I have invested too much in my marriage to throw away what we have so far, Also the children would suffer most from a separation. We will both work with councillors to try and resolve the issues and over time the wound will become a scar and maybe the scar will remind us of our commitment to each other.

 

Thanks again for you comments.

[Rooster_DAR]

I would quite trying to see drugs, alchohol, or any outside element as the thing to blame here. The fact is, she cheated on you and that's the bottom line. She broke her marriage vows, and stepped outside the confines of a promise that was made to both of you. Now, I believe your marriage is salvageable, but you both have lot's of work to do and it sounds like your on the right track.

 

She needs to continue with therapy (you as well), and she also needs to rebuild her trust with you. Don't settle for anything less than some solid effort on her end to accomplish this.

 

With all things done right, you will be able to forgive her and trust her again but she needs to set forth the direction to this accomplishment.

 

roost

[britchick]

Your wifes judgement was flawed - partly because of her personality but also through drugs and alcohol. She has told you everything almost immediately. She is receiving treatment. She made a terrible mistake and it seems she is genuinely sorry.

 

You know her better than anyone and you seem to think this behaviour is out of character. Obviously you are angry and hurt, but your wife isn't a serial adulterer. IMO you should strive, with her, to get past this. Only time will tell if all your efforts have been worthwhile. You appear to be a loving husband and father with many years investment in what was a good relationship. Surely your relationship and your family are worth the risk.

[Guest]

I call bull**** on the story. She wasn't sick from booze. You don't have a hangover like that and want to have sex. On the plus side, she confessed immediately, which shows remorse. Also, slick deserves a punch in the nose for his efforts. I don't care what anyone else says. You might get arrested, but some things are worth a risk.

 

As far as your marriage goes, there is no easy answer for you. There are no guarantees, and no path that doesn't involve hurt. You have a lot invested, and she seems genuinely remorseful, so personally I'd give it one more shot just to say you tried. You need to give her a run for the money though. Set some rules that will impinge on her freedoms. None of this "Forgive and forget in a month." crap. If she's not willing to suffer a bit to atone, then she's not really remorseful at all. You'll have to decide on the specifics based on how you feel. At any rate, marriage counseling and individual counseling are a must. You'll also want to make damn sure this was actually a one night stand and not a date rape.

 

you can be this drunk as a woman cause a woman does not have to rise up for the occ. a man can take advantage of the whole thing!!!!!!

[Guest]

I just have to say in light of this new information, I would probably kick your wife to the curb.

 

Drugs and alcohol are never a good mix. And yes, you could place a lot of the blame for the first encounter.....but the second???

 

Sorry, I don't buy it.....and I wouldn't stand for it.

 

If she felt so terrible about it, then why did she allow it to happen in the shower as well?

 

Drunk, and drugged.....if she can stand up in the shower and have sex....she wasn't too looped to stop it.....plain and simple....

 

you know I was all for the wife and being drugged but 2 times....ummmmm...I think that if she was so druged and was throwing up then how could she stand in the shower for one let alone have sex? not only that but the shower sober you up hu?

[lighthouse]

you know I was all for the wife and being drugged but 2 times....ummmmm...I think that if she was so druged and was throwing up then how could she stand in the shower for one let alone have sex? not only that but the shower sober you up hu?

 

Apparently you have been fortunate enough to not have to take these kind of drugs. She MADE a choice and took this medication and drank on top of it it. Therefore, it is entirely possible to be able to stand yet to have no idea or no possible way to make a rational choice.

 

That being said I believe that she made this choice and knew the consequences so I would say that there is still a lot to blame on her; however unless you have taken these drugs (or ones similar to them which I have and do) I think that you need to educate yourself before you make such statements.

LH

[Guest]

Abusing drugs and alcohol and cheating is akin to drinking and driving and getting in a wreck. The fact doesn't work to your advantage, only your detriment.

[lighthouse]

Certain medical conditions requires medication to be taken. Yes she is responsible for her actions but you don't seem to understand these medications.

Do your self a favor and do some research before you act like you know what you are talking about.

[umbo]

Grunt tough situation you got there but there a thousands of options and avenues you can pursue. Your exfriend is at fault more than your wife. However your exwife needs to face the consequences of her actions.