I need a list

[Moose]

right now I am giving him a chance......

Comments like these tell me a whole helluva lot more than what you think......

[RecordProducer]

Hey, a4a! I imagined myself in a situation to write that list and i think I would write one for myself first to figure out what I want. I'd start from there and then write the list for him (simplify it so he can understand and translate it from Martian to Venusian ).

 

If writing the list sounds ridiculous, you can generalize it like "Talk to me and comfort me/give me a hug when I feel down" or "Play some games together" (you can always switch that to talking or cuddling) or "Show affection when I ask you to sit next to me" or "defend me verbally if I ask you to handle the situation" or "Surprise me when I give you a hint that I would like something" or "Do the thing I asked you to do without me repeating it 100 times," etc.

 

Oh, this reminded me... when I say something stupid or nasty, my husband writes it down and intends to keep the paper. Of course I trash it on the next day. Once he said: "The last time you said... wait, where did I put that paper? ..."

[a4a]

although a4a that is a pretty big change in just a year. I wonder if thisis how he really is. And he was just working overtime in the wooing phase and now that your married.....

 

 

I think he just got lazy because he thinks that is ok now that we are married and he can just expect me to keep my commitment to him no matter what... I am that kind of person. I do stick to my word.

 

He did not pay his bills for me, or clean his house for me, or take care of things in general for me. This was also when we were just friends. He was responsible, he did things without asking.

 

It is like he took pill and turned into a slug this past fall.

 

I also think he like shiney new things..... gets bored easily. Like the horse he ignores....yet when he got her she was his life.

[a4a]

Hey, a4a! I imagined myself in a situation to write that list and i think I would write one for myself first to figure out what I want. I'd start from there and then write the list for him (simplify it so he can understand and translate it from Martian to Venusian ).

 

If writing the list sounds ridiculous, you can generalize it like "Talk to me and comfort me/give me a hug when I feel down" or "Play some games together" (you can always switch that to talking or cuddling) or "Show affection when I ask you to sit next to me" or "defend me verbally if I ask you to handle the situation" or "Surprise me when I give you a hint that I would like something" or "Do the thing I asked you to do without me repeating it 100 times," etc.

 

Oh, this reminded me... when I say something stupid or nasty, my husband writes it down and intends to keep the paper. Of course I trash it on the next day. Once he said: "The last time you said... wait, where did I put that paper? ..."

 

yeah RP I did that...... he has it.... it is some where in this thread.... very general list.....

[a4a]

Comments like these tell me a whole helluva lot more than what you think......

 

well whatever.

 

But I am not worried about going to hell or anything if I do leave. I am more worried about keeping my own word.

 

That is why I don't cheat on him.... cuz I told him I wouldn't. I also told him I would give him the chance to work on things. He set the deadline not me.

 

What would be a fair amount of time for you to start to work out your problems? he said by oct 31st...... so how is that unfair or mean or expecting too much....

 

See I am not pissed about the gas any more.... damn.

[JackJack]

He set the deadline not me.

 

 

What is he waiting for then? When the 31st of October draws near, he is going to all of sudden change? Do the 180 or whatever? Maybe he will wake up one morning look in the mkirror and say, "Oh hells bells, I better start doing what I'm supossed to do." So when this deadline approaches and things still have not changed, does he bail out or do you? Or do you both move on mutually?

[a4a]

He set the deadline not me.

 

 

What is he waiting for then? When the 31st of October draws near, he is going to all of sudden change? Do the 180 or whatever? Maybe he will wake up one morning look in the mkirror and say, "Oh hells bells, I better start doing what I'm supossed to do." So when this deadline approaches and things still have not changed, does he bail out or do you? Or do you both move on mutually?

 

He likes to come through at the 11th hour. Probably show up on the 30th and have the pool installed, a camel in the barn, and a romantic trip planned for that night :lmao:

 

I walk..... I own my own home about 50 miles away from here.

 

He has made some improvements...... ah well... maybe I can just stick a fork in him and declare it done now........ :lmao:

[JamesM]

You have been married for two years...or has it been longer? And you are ready to leave?

 

You have posted about the problems this man has caused you since at least Valentines Day (see quote of first thread mentioning him being not up to expectations), and you expect him to change by October 31? To me the first sentence says EVRYTHING. Underneath your rough literary exterior is a woman crying out for her husband's expression of love because she doubts that he loves her.

 

Disappointed again........ :-(

I had great hopes that my H would care enough to really plan something out for me for V-day. I carefully selected his gifts remembering exactly what he said he wanted from little statements he made from previous weeks and months ago.

 

He shows up at 8 PM with a 24 pack of store bought roses still dripping water and a card he snagged and signed in the driveway.

 

No planning ....no thought...... nothing. I would have preferred a gift cert from H-depot for paint or maybe a new toilet brush.

 

This H of mine claims he is head over heels in love with me and would do anything for me. What the hell is his problem?

 

I did get laid..... it was okay.... popped a sleeping pill so hardly remember it.

 

GAK! I have chatted, communicated, written, stated, asked, even suggested a few rounds with a MC.

 

He keeps stating he is going to do this and that and he is a great guy..... good intentions don't cut the mustard.

 

WTF do I do with him?

 

Maybe it has been asked but when did he start acting so lazy?

 

My personal viewpoint is to accept him or leave him. Having been married for over sixteen years, I can say that the first two years ARE the hardest. I know that my interest in my wife has gone up and down over the years, but the first two were the most turbulent. After we had been married about three years, we had adjusted quite well. We had learned alot of what the other liked and disliked. And above all, we had learned to accept each other even when we didn't think our standards were being met. I think once we knew that we loved each other as we were, we did more things that showed that love.

 

A good marriage is where both partners do things out of love and appreciation because they are loved, and nobody is trying to do things so that they will be loved. When we must do things to prove our love, then we love conditionally and are loved conditionally.

 

True love is unconditional. "I love you for whom you are not what you will become. I love you despite what you do, not because of what you do. And to show that love, I will do things in appreciation of what you mean to me, not because I want you to love me. I love it that you express your love, not how you express your love. I love you even when I cannot show that love, and I love you when you cannot show your love. I made a choice to love you and I will stick by that commitment. Today may not be perfect, but together we will reach tomorrow."

[a4a]

well James I just got off the phone with him...... asked why the gas was not filled... HE FORGOT... DOES NOT REMEMBER OUR CONVERSATION

 

Well I do remember, just like why neither truck has gone for an oil change as he said he would drop them off for the last 10+ days.

 

My reply to him and his I forgot excuse is " that is no longer a valid excuse, you have used up that excuse with me"

 

But the Fer sure can remember the due date on his nascar tickets..... :lmao: sure can squeak out the cash for those, but no b-day gift for me, nothing..... nice....

 

well oooopsy I forgot to make dinner tonight....... and I forgot how to wash his clothes....... and I don't think I can remember how to write a check for the phone bill. whhoooopsy fing doo..... I forgot how to not suck another mans dick too........whhooooopsy........ :lmao:

 

Here is the real ticker..... I finally got a big enough trailer that my horse and the others will fit into. Borrowed for this Friday if I can get his help. Told him "I have a trailer but only for Fri." He never replied with.... good what time do you want to go..... I am happy for you.......what time do we leave...... nothing. 2 years my horse has not been with me..... 2 years...... my horse. And he says nothing in reply to me. Well aware of situation..I am getting ready to bulldoze that farm and build on it.......the horses must be moved.

 

All I have to say to him right now is FU. I told him not to bother to come home but I would like my truck ASAP.

 

I will not hold back any more.... maybe that was the problem. The gas cans do give a quaint touch to the front garden entrance lawn here tho....... :lmao:

[JamesM]

You've been holding back!!??!!

[Moose]

Nevermind.......

[JackJack]

You know, I dated a lady years back who it seemed she "forgot" things alot. At one point she didn't "forget" anything. After awhile she did. I put up with that excuse for awhile, but then I came to the realization it wasn't the fact she "forgot" it was the fact she no longer cared, didn't want to do or treat me in a certain way sometimes, not that she "forgot."

 

She no longer put any effort into trying to remember a thing or doing anything, and yes she to, acknowledged the fact she knew she needed to do this and that, but didn't, because she didn't care one way or the other. It ended up being she wanted out and didn't, know how to verbally tell me. So her actions about alot of things spoke volumes. We eventually parted ways. I'm not saying at all, this is the case with your husband, but there comes a time when one has to ask themselves, "Ok how long do I hold on, in hopes things will change?" Sure he may be in a funk, a depression, but if he wont get help then theres not alot you can do, but watch him wither away until he does get help, or he steps up to the plate, or get out of the situation. Maybe YOU need to bump back that deadline from October 31st, to the end of Septemeber. Not sure that it will matter though.

[a4a]

You've been holding back!!??!!

 

Actually I do not stab him with forks. We talk. calmly......

 

I may joke about dismembering him but I don't actually do that.

[a4a]

You know, I dated a lady years back who it seemed she "forgot" things alot. At one point she didn't "forget" anything. After awhile she did. I put up with that excuse for awhile, but then I came to the realization it wasn't the fact she "forgot" it was the fact she no longer cared, didn't want to do or treat me in a certain way sometimes, not that she "forgot."

 

She no longer put any effort into trying to remember a thing or doing anything, and yes she to, acknowledged the fact she knew she needed to do this and that, but didn't, because she didn't care one way or the other. It ended up being she wanted out and didn't, know how to verbally tell me. So her actions about alot of things spoke volumes. We eventually parted ways. I'm not saying at all, this is the case with your husband, but there comes a time when one has to ask themselves, "Ok how long do I hold on, in hopes things will change?" Sure he may be in a funk, a depression, but if he wont get help then theres not alot you can do, but watch him wither away until he does get help, or he steps up to the plate, or get out of the situation. Maybe YOU need to bump back that deadline from October 31st, to the end of Septemeber. Not sure that it will matter though.

 

 

Well Jack I don't think it is for this reason. I think he is overwhelmed and has no organizational skills. He states he is head over heels in love with me and will not quit.

 

And we had a nice long talk last night. I told him it was simply not going to work, he deserved to be happy and so do I. He refused to accept this. He is not willing to split.

 

I really don't care what causes his forgetfulness.... his disregard. Not my problem, I am only now interested in results. I told him this. Not my problem, get a note pad, take notes, write it on your hand..... not my problem......this is your problem, you deal with it. I told him he just needs to overcome it or I leave in a month.

 

Along with the gas can display he got a couple of ear fulls from me. I let it all out. No dinner..... I forgot to make it...... I forgot to do the laundry..... I forgot the dishes...... I forgot. (he actually did all of it himself last night) I may forget and end up screwing some other guy too....... ooopsy I forgot....

 

After that we did have a calm talk and I brought up some points made here by posters. I asked the exact questions, even the ones that were negative about me.

 

He says he thought he had improved. He has, I agree, slightly.. but the trailer thing really ticked me off. We installed new pastures for those horses..... this is not a surprise but has been hell to find a big enough trailer for these huge animals.

 

anywho we had a very long talk about expectations that we have for each other. He said mine are not out of line. He has put pressure on himself to get things done but feels overwhelmed by projects here(read below about the oil change )......... which he agrees I do not ask him to do them but on very rare occassions I mention things like the stove vent. I do the majority of work here. He may trim the grass once a week... or fiddle around in his workshop...... he has gotten lazy unless it is something he deems as a priority or fun. Like his ability to meet the deadline for his nascar tickets but forget about planning anything for me or for us....... yeppers selfish to the max.

 

I made a good point about him just disregarding anything that holds importance to me that we need to tackle as a partnership. Like moving those horses, or the paint in the bedroom that is still not finished after over a year.....he drives by the store 5 days a week, the paint costs $8.00...the paint sample has been tucked into the switch plate for 8 months at least.....

where is the paint??? :lmao: (now the reason I have not picked it up is that it is on his route to the office. It would be a 45+ mile round trip for a $8.00 can of paint if I went to go get it)

 

Now I have never said pick up the paint today...... I have said can you pick up that quart of paint one night on your way home. I don't nag him, I expect him to think. He then blamed me because I should have stuck the sample in his wallet...... wtf is that...... I am not here to run every moment of his life. He can stick the F-ing paint sample in his own F-ing wallet.

 

Which this lead to my grow the F up comment..... ooops! Along with "oh no you did not just turn that around on me"...... :lmao: Not falling for it being my fault any more bucko...... FU! Like I told him I am done blaming myself for his lack of regard, lack of action, lack of appreciation....... not my fault any more.

 

Now if you understand that we are picking out hardwood flooring and looking for it online to finish the bedroom the paint topic comes up at least every two weeks...... "we have to paint the crown moulding and trim before the new floor goes in"....... so I would think that since he agrees that it has to be done, it is on the to do list we created over a month ago as well... he would take it upon himself to pick up the paint?

 

Now a year ago he would have already have painted the trim all by himself.

He agrees that this is true.

 

He agrees that I do not expect much of him..... my list is more than acceptable.

 

He stated that yes making my coffee and things he does do are nice gestures but he is not giving me what I have asked for nor paying attention to what I want to do and things I find that are important.

 

He said he is not afraid to tell me when he is upset with me, but I rarely give him anything to be upset over. I meet and I do exceed his expectations.

 

I did really let it go last night. For the first time ever I was actually mean.

I could not even tell you how many FU's came out of my mouth. I told him that is what he is telling me constantly with his non-actions and disregard.

I got nasty..... really nasty..but calm... said what I felt without thinking about it first.

Told him I did not give a shyte about his dead mommy or his dead daddy, or if he has a tumor in his head..... sick of the excuses, sick of my taking on the responsibility of his non actions and either he does a 180 or I leave.... I don't care any more why he does this crap, not my problem.

 

He claims he is so in love with me, never wants me to leave him....... yada yada ya. Like you said Jack.... "your actions certainly don't say that.... instead they send a clear message to me of FU"

 

I do not have the time to micro manage his life. He needs to get back to being responsible and taking the needed actions to make his and our life easier and happier.

 

He did stop and pick up oil and filters for the truck..... but sheesh I asked him to drop them off for an oil change.... I was paying..... so again he did not follow my request. But at least the oil will get changed. It would have just been a business expense. Now he will waste his time doing it. oh well. But he feels overwhelmed with projects..... :lmao: I don't care how he feels at this point. If he wants to be stupid and do the oil change and waste his time...... go ahead buddy..... have at it. But do it immediatley if not sooner. I expect that oil to be changed tonight. How is that for F-ing expectations! :lmao: If not he can walk to work tomorrow.. he is not driving my truck into the ground because he is irresponsible and cannot take care of it.

 

If he wants to act like a 10 year old kid I will treat him like one.

[JamesM]

He agrees that I do not expect much of him..... my list is more than acceptable.

 

At this point and as I read your post farther, I highly doubt that he would say differently...even if he feels differently.

 

You mentioned that you do not want to put the paint sample in his wallet? Why are these kind of things a problem? To me it is a loving gesture when my wife puts the clothes that need to be brought to the drycleaners (today) on the chair I will pass by, or I put her watch that she tends to forget in her purse...which she will find later. Yes, these are "motherly" things that may not be necessary...BUT they make our lives easier. Her reminding me to call my family about a get together, me reminding her that the kids need something....it makes our world go around. You putting the gas cans in the truck prior to needing them or putting the sample in his wallet gives a good reminder and he includes it in his day. This is not much different than making a list.

 

It comes down to him making you feel loved and him making your priorities blend with his. And it comes down to you gently but firmly reminding him of those priorities and deciding if it is worth it all....or find someone who is more perfect for you.

 

Demanding that he constantly fits little deeds of kindness towards you when you know he has/had a busy day is not fair, but expecting tokens of love shown in his way should be expected periodically. Keeping a scorecard isn't right, but feeling that you are important to him is what marriage is all about. If he wants the marriage to continue, he needs to learn how to show his love to you in ways that are special to you. But if you want this relationship to continue, then you may need to be patient...longer than two years...as he learns. Both of you have alot of work to do....no room for "laziness."

 

Based on your threads on this Board thus far, I am afraid that this may be a continual battle which will be resolved or dropped.

[basscatcher]

Well Jack I don't think it is for this reason. I think he is overwhelmed and has no organizational skills. He states he is head over heels in love with me and will not quit.

 

And we had a nice long talk last night. I told him it was simply not going to work, he deserved to be happy and so do I. He refused to accept this. He is not willing to split.

 

I really don't care what causes his forgetfulness.... his disregard. Not my problem, I am only now interested in results. I told him this. Not my problem, get a note pad, take notes, write it on your hand..... not my problem......this is your problem, you deal with it. I told him he just needs to overcome it or I leave in a month.

 

Along with the gas can display he got a couple of ear fulls from me. I let it all out. No dinner..... I forgot to make it...... I forgot to do the laundry..... I forgot the dishes...... I forgot. (he actually did all of it himself last night) I may forget and end up screwing some other guy too....... ooopsy I forgot....

 

After that we did have a calm talk and I brought up some points made here by posters. I asked the exact questions, even the ones that were negative about me.

 

He says he thought he had improved. He has, I agree, slightly.. but the trailer thing really ticked me off. We installed new pastures for those horses..... this is not a surprise but has been hell to find a big enough trailer for these huge animals.

 

anywho we had a very long talk about expectations that we have for each other. He said mine are not out of line. He has put pressure on himself to get things done but feels overwhelmed by projects here(read below about the oil change )......... which he agrees I do not ask him to do them but on very rare occassions I mention things like the stove vent. I do the majority of work here. He may trim the grass once a week... or fiddle around in his workshop...... he has gotten lazy unless it is something he deems as a priority or fun. Like his ability to meet the deadline for his nascar tickets but forget about planning anything for me or for us....... yeppers selfish to the max.

 

I made a good point about him just disregarding anything that holds importance to me that we need to tackle as a partnership. Like moving those horses, or the paint in the bedroom that is still not finished after over a year.....he drives by the store 5 days a week, the paint costs $8.00...the paint sample has been tucked into the switch plate for 8 months at least.....

where is the paint??? :lmao: (now the reason I have not picked it up is that it is on his route to the office. It would be a 45+ mile round trip for a $8.00 can of paint if I went to go get it)

 

Now I have never said pick up the paint today...... I have said can you pick up that quart of paint one night on your way home. I don't nag him, I expect him to think. He then blamed me because I should have stuck the sample in his wallet...... wtf is that...... I am not here to run every moment of his life. He can stick the F-ing paint sample in his own F-ing wallet.

 

Which this lead to my grow the F up comment..... ooops! Along with "oh no you did not just turn that around on me"...... :lmao: Not falling for it being my fault any more bucko...... FU! Like I told him I am done blaming myself for his lack of regard, lack of action, lack of appreciation....... not my fault any more.

 

Now if you understand that we are picking out hardwood flooring and looking for it online to finish the bedroom the paint topic comes up at least every two weeks...... "we have to paint the crown moulding and trim before the new floor goes in"....... so I would think that since he agrees that it has to be done, it is on the to do list we created over a month ago as well... he would take it upon himself to pick up the paint?

 

Now a year ago he would have already have painted the trim all by himself.

He agrees that this is true.

 

He agrees that I do not expect much of him..... my list is more than acceptable.

 

He stated that yes making my coffee and things he does do are nice gestures but he is not giving me what I have asked for nor paying attention to what I want to do and things I find that are important.

 

He said he is not afraid to tell me when he is upset with me, but I rarely give him anything to be upset over. I meet and I do exceed his expectations.

 

I did really let it go last night. For the first time ever I was actually mean.

I could not even tell you how many FU's came out of my mouth. I told him that is what he is telling me constantly with his non-actions and disregard.

I got nasty..... really nasty..but calm... said what I felt without thinking about it first.

Told him I did not give a shyte about his dead mommy or his dead daddy, or if he has a tumor in his head..... sick of the excuses, sick of my taking on the responsibility of his non actions and either he does a 180 or I leave.... I don't care any more why he does this crap, not my problem.

 

He claims he is so in love with me, never wants me to leave him....... yada yada ya. Like you said Jack.... "your actions certainly don't say that.... instead they send a clear message to me of FU"

 

I do not have the time to micro manage his life. He needs to get back to being responsible and taking the needed actions to make his and our life easier and happier.

 

He did stop and pick up oil and filters for the truck..... but sheesh I asked him to drop them off for an oil change.... I was paying..... so again he did not follow my request. But at least the oil will get changed. It would have just been a business expense. Now he will waste his time doing it. oh well. But he feels overwhelmed with projects..... :lmao: I don't care how he feels at this point. If he wants to be stupid and do the oil change and waste his time...... go ahead buddy..... have at it. But do it immediatley if not sooner. I expect that oil to be changed tonight. How is that for F-ing expectations! :lmao: If not he can walk to work tomorrow.. he is not driving my truck into the ground because he is irresponsible and cannot take care of it.

 

If he wants to act like a 10 year old kid I will treat him like one.

 

wow did this rant ever take me back to my xh and how our marriage went. Dang....

 

My opinion now has much more insight...

 

He is self absorbed and can't remember what needs to be done.

My xh blew up 4 of our vehicles in less then 2 years because he would put off changing the oil.. Idiot....... Then he ran my new car into the ground which should have lasted longer then 6 years being it only had 1600 miles on it when I bought it. I barely got it paid off and he blew a piston and rod.

 

I would have to biaytch to get him to take the garbage out, mow the lawn, feed the dog, change the oil in the car, pick up milk on his way home from the store. pick up diapers on his way home, etc etc. But he ALWAYS had his smokes or alcohol....

 

He would come home and park his arse on the couch and either start watching some stupid TV show or would start playing Playstation. If his mom, dad or brother needed anything he was right on it.

 

I went 11 1/2 years having to do things myself if they were going to get done.. Even if it ticked him off I would start something that HAD to be finished---like he came home from work one afternoon and I had most of the bathroom floor tore out. The damn toilet was ready to go through the floor and I got tired of weeble-wobbling on it wondering if I was going to fall through.. He HAD to finish it.. (he is a carpentar after all by trade!! )

 

He was very forgetful.. He still is all these years later.. He is so absorbed in his own world in his head that he can't remember anything. I use to give him lists to remind him. I even got Post-It notes and stuck them to his wallet and the dash of the car. . The goof-ball still couldn't remember.. I would sometimes call him at his friends house to remind him to pick stuff up before he came home and he still forgot..

 

It is pure selfishness and laziness, Lack of focus and prioritizing..

 

Even if he is busy and has lots of things to do there is prioritizing what has to be done now, what needs to be done soon, and what can be done later..

 

I'm currently very happily divorced from the nuckle-head..!! with a No Contact Restraining Order on him. :D

 

His laziness shows in his fathering/parenting also. He neglects his own son also. Breaks promises, Breaks plans, Doesn't follow through with much of anything. He is self absorbed and puts himself first before anyone else....

[a4a]

WTF about my busy day....

 

so far today I have cleaned a stall, fed 40 animals, organized a volunteer day, found a new cord for my other lap top online and ordered it, did the laundry, found, called, and reserved a bobcat, working on a manual that I need to finish by the end of the month, broke up a cat fight, and I still have to finish cleaning up the mess here before I go and make my 100 mile round trip..... and stop off and pay the feed bill acct. And all this while handling various calls and problems via phone and email. And I still have the time to dick around on LS. And I have to finish up with building permits for the new house..... and still trying to arrange a pick up time for the horse trailer.

 

I don't see him putting out the checkbook so I don't forget to pay the feed bill today.... or checking the bank accts for me. I don't get reminders or help. He expects me to just do it.... he does not remind me to feed his horse or make appt for his dogs shots.

 

I am venting.......not directed at you... but I am fed up. This R no longer will revolve around his needs alone. That is the problem here. As soon as we were married he made me into his friggin mommy, maid, and manager..... well I did not sign up for those jobs. It was not like this when we were just shacked up together.

 

As for the friendly reminders.... done tried that.... Hon don't forget about blah blah....... zero results. Hell I have put things smack in the middle of the hall to have him help put them into the attic.....he walks around it.

 

I have $800 in checks sitting on the front of the frig that need to go into the bank... he drives right by it...... again 45 mile round trip for me..... he just ignores them. But if it were an offer for a new tool that he could have it would have been long gone and used by now.

 

oh and something I do for him..... warm up his boots in the morning in the winter for him. Forgot to add that to the list Moose...... :lmao:

oh and I will pop his towel into the dryer if in the winter as well if he is in the shower. Maybe I just spoiled him way too much?

 

I created a monster.... see it is my fault. Or I think it is my fault.....

[basscatcher]

I created a monster.... see it is my fault. Or I think it is my fault.....

 

No.. He is taking advantage of your gestures to help him.

You didn't make the choices for him to be the way he is being. He chose it.. He is chosing his behavior himself..

 

When he starts something and someone steps in to help him he walks away and leave it up to the other person to do it.

The person gets stuck doing the job when they only intended to help..

 

That is what has happened to you.

 

He is taking advantage of you.

[JackJack]

Where was he, while you were doing all these things today?

[a4a]

Where was he, while you were doing all these things today?

 

At his high pressured job.......

[JackJack]

At his high pressured job.......

 

 

What kind of job does he do? You probably mentioned it before, but I may have missed it.

[a4a]

What kind of job does he do? You probably mentioned it before, but I may have missed it.

 

 

smart homes... high high end home electronics... total control systems.

 

He hates it says it dulls his mind

[Walk]

This is probably not going to go over with you well a4a, but here's my outside perspective.

 

There's no way he's going to say he thinks you're doing anything wrong while you're threatening to leave. I've had my bf pull that one on me, and it ****ing SUCKS. If I were to say one wrong word at that point, powder kegs explode. He'll feel I'm trying to turn it all around to be his fault, that I'm trying to skate out of responsibility for the problems. There is NO right answer to that question. You backed him into a corner and now you're using words he made in duress against him. Please don't do that. Even if there's the barest possibility he may have felt threatened, then do NOT use his admission of "hunky dory with you" to your advantage.

 

Second... Although I completely agree that what you do is hard work (I worked as a stable hand from 14-19yrs old), for someone who's not doing it all day, every day, it would seem like a cake walk compared to a daily grind where others (even customers) dictate what you have to accomplish and do with your time.

 

Take my college classes for example. They're hard, but I pretty much dictate what I will or won't do all day. If I'm tired, I can take a nap, relax, play on the 'puter for a while... whatever. But my bf can't. He's at work until the work is done. Even though every one tells him he's just a stearing wheel holder, it's still stressful for him. I don't compare my job to his, because those two can't be compared. Just like your job, and your hubby's can't be compared. Two completely seperate worlds. So he might be harboring a little resentment toward the fact that you are saying you do everything, and pointing out every mistake he makes, while in his mind you have it kush. Yet he can't say that to you with out insulting you, or making it sound as if he considers your work to be lacking in substance.

 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry or confront him about his behavior... but maybe he's feeling a little resentful. Maybe he's tired of running the errands? Maybe he doesn't really care if the lawn gets mowed this week or next, but he was really tired coming home? Maybe he figured you had enough on your plate already, and he really didn't want you mowing the lawn, so he "forgot" to pick up the gas? Maybe he doesn't want to move the horses because he knows you'll finish your house, and then you'll leave him?

 

You know what's going on in your relationship best, and I'm not critizing what you're doing. But if anything I said made sense at all, or if there could be a nugget of truth to any of it, then please take it into consideration. I'm getting the feeling that although your guy is willing to listen, he isn't much on expressing anything that may conflict with your views. I'm not entirely sure you are getting a real message from him, but rather one that he thinks you want to hear. And I think that's why the words and actions don't sync. Not because he's lazy or doesn't care, but he's trying so damn hard to not cause waves that he's diverting all his attention into that, instead of what really matters to you..?

[a4a]

There's no way he's going to say he thinks you're doing anything wrong while you're threatening to leave. I've had my bf pull that one on me, and it ****ing SUCKS. If I were to say one wrong word at that point, powder kegs explode. He'll feel I'm trying to turn it all around to be his fault, that I'm trying to skate out of responsibility for the problems. There is NO right answer to that question. You backed him into a corner and now you're using words he made in duress against him. Please don't do that. Even if there's the barest possibility he may have felt threatened, then do NOT use his admission of "hunky dory with you" to your advantage.

 

My brain is fried from translating....... please explain what you mean.....sorry not getting this.

 

Second... Although I completely agree that what you do is hard work (I worked as a stable hand from 14-19yrs old), for someone who's not doing it all day, every day, it would seem like a cake walk compared to a daily grind where others (even customers) dictate what you have to accomplish and do with your time.

 

Well I am not a stable hand I run 2 businesses right now... and working on a third. That will probably make my life much easier and allow the H to not work at all if all goes well. H can take off or work as much as he wants to... but needs the $ now. He has no one breathing down his neck.....he mainly works alone..... no customers pestering him at all. Just him and a house.

 

 

So he might be harboring a little resentment toward the fact that you are saying you do everything, and pointing out every mistake he makes, while in his mind you have it kush.

 

Well that is not my problem and he wanted to start a new biz that he liked. I offered all my resources, even to help him with physical work, get new accts, and he never got it off the ground..... but did spend $26,000 on a truck that is rotting.... so again..... not my problem if he hates his job. I even offered to buy him a hauling rig to transport horses...... again he did not follow through. He may be resentful but I worked hard for over 10 years and went without food even to get where I am today.

 

 

Maybe he's tired of running the errands? Maybe he doesn't really care if the lawn gets mowed this week or next, but he was really tired coming home? Maybe he figured you had enough on your plate already, and he really didn't want you mowing the lawn, so he "forgot" to pick up the gas? Maybe he doesn't want to move the horses because he knows you'll finish your house, and then you'll leave him?

 

He does not run the errands...... obviously. And I never ever tell him what to do when he comes home unless it is something that I really really need his help with. Like lugging up a huge box to the attic or If I really need him to help me...... hold a horse or something..... he does not have a chore list. We created a to do list together to org. projects like the remodel of his home. oh the lawn must be kept pristine...... he would not allow a hired hand to mow it even.

 

I'm not entirely sure you are getting a real message from him, but rather one that he thinks you want to hear. And I think that's why the words and actions don't sync. Not because he's lazy or doesn't care, but he's trying so damn hard to not cause waves that he's diverting all his attention into that, instead of what really matters to you..?

 

I have asked him repeatedly this exact thing. Are you afraid to stand up to me, do you really agree, is this what you mean, are you sure that this is not my fault somehow.... please be honest........ he says he is not lying, he actually agrees...... he told me "I do not just agree with you to shut you up" last night.

 

but honestly this is a closed chapter at this point...... I may vent that I am pissed here...... but I am no longer concerned why he is doing what he is doing... I don't care. It is his problem to solve. Not mine. Not my responsibility any more. I gotta a house to build...... I got a GP manual to create and type..... and I need to have some fun between those things so I really cannot chat about him any more.... he is just dragging me down.

 

I prefer to laugh.... even when angry. This is just way to serious for me at this point. non productive to rehash.... dead horse..... empty clam shell..... busted axle....... :lmao: worst case scenario...... he is a good piece of ass I can keep him around for that and just refocus totally on work. I can get enough satisfaction from that..... but he won't like being neglected by me.

 

But I did ask him how he would feel if he were in my shoes and what he would do if he were me.

 

He stated he would stick a fork in my eye......... :lmao:

[a4a]

:lmao: running errands......

 

he stopped at the same big box store where the paint is to stop in and get a tool rental list for something he wanted to do ........this was 3 days ago..... :lmao:

 

 

big tools fun varoomm varooommmmm ...... paint suck..... no care paint... F wife she want paint..... me want tool...... varoooom varoooom...... :lmao: me leave tool info on counter..... wife see, wife get me tool..... varoooom varooooom..... :lmao: