Did I overreact?

[velvet]

I agree that a diary is good for that situation. You should by a notebook and write down all your feelings. In a couple months go back and read it, you'll be surprised by how you feel about it later.

 

If or when he comes back from Panama, you may let him read a couple of entries that your proud of.

 

My reaction after perusing this text is to run to the bathroom in response to a severe gag reflex... Here's a hint for future referrence - Keep vomitous rantings like this to the confines of a private journal - We're all guilty of going over the deep end once in a while, after all... Carefully edited-for-content, re- and re-written versions of the same sentiments can (Sometimes) be deemed safe for delivery to the intended victim...

 

("All the tears of sorrow from my bleeding heart wouldn't be enough to fill the ocean..."??? Ick...) And to "thank" someone for punishing you? For the deepest crime of - What was it again? Sharing your feelings - Baring your pain to someone with whom you supposedly share a emotional bond? For being honest about feeling hurt? How dare you??? Give him or anyone such power over you, that is...

[sparkle]

I have to agree with Clia, Tony and poopoo bear. Pitiful...overly dramatic...*gag* *gag*.

 

PLEASE never ever ever write any guy anything that even remotely resembles this letter...EVER!

 

Sorry, but we all feel like we should drill this into your head and make it absolutely clear.

[L (I'm back again)]

After reading your posts two days ago I almost had a nervous breakdown, but it was too late to do anything because I had already mailed the letters!!

 

Wednesday night (the eve before he was supposed to leave) I wanted to call him so badly and tell him that I didn't mean what I had said in the first letter, but I didn't call...

 

To my astonishment, HE called ME very late at night and told me his "heart was too weak" and he just had to speak to me before leaving and that he had recieved my letters which he thought were beautiful. We had a very nice, peaceful conversation and I kept me emotional "self" at bay.

 

I didn't ask or demand anything of him, just let him speak, and insead of him being the one to say 'it's time to say goodnight' I initiated it!

 

You guys are probably very surprized at his reaction, but let me remind you that he is from a different generation than me and a different county (Israel)

 

What should I do now? Just stay cool?

[velvet]

You want to lay it down and let it all out dont ya.

 

Look your both hooked, now just go with the flow.

 

While he is away, take the focus off your emotions for awhile. Do something to entertain yourslef. Maybe take a course at the community college. Get involved with new things. He will be there for ya real soon.

After reading your posts two days ago I almost had a nervous breakdown, but it was too late to do anything because I had already mailed the letters!!

 

Wednesday night (the eve before he was supposed to leave) I wanted to call him so badly and tell him that I didn't mean what I had said in the first letter, but I didn't call... To my astonishment, HE called ME very late at night and told me his "heart was too weak" and he just had to speak to me before leaving and that he had recieved my letters which he thought were beautiful. We had a very nice, peaceful conversation and I kept me emotional "self" at bay.

 

I didn't ask or demand anything of him, just let him speak, and insead of him being the one to say 'it's time to say goodnight' I initiated it! You guys are probably very surprized at his reaction, but let me remind you that he is from a different generation than me and a different county (Israel) What should I do now? Just stay cool?

[L]

I was just wondering if you guys think I should do what my boyfriend originally wanted me to do while he is away in Panama, that is write him letters here so when he gets back he'll see my "progress". I don't see any point in writing letters because it will only frustrate me more and give him more power over the situation.

 

Why do you think he would want me to do this? What purpose would it serve?

 

He assumes I will write him, but I don't think I will. What would YOU suggest??

[BeenThere]

"L", I did not miss your original posts but refrained from responding because you had already gotten some EXCELLENT advice from many of the best people on this forum. I'm so sorry to see that some time later, you are still 'stuck' in the same place you were before...

 

I can't pursuade you to do anything that isn't in your heart, or convince you to follow good advice even when you ask to hear it. The only thing I can say is -- if it were "me," I would have cut all communication off with this guy weeks ago. He's patronizing, egotistical and controlling. He doesn't deserve to know what you are doing with your life and free time while he is away. Afterall, if I remember correctly, he told you not to communicate with him...am I right? So why would he ask you to write?...So he can 'check up' on you? Perhaps you should teach him a "lesson" of your own by being a "good girl" and *obeying* the punishment he has handed down to you. Do not contact him...Do not write...Do not communicate at all. Have fun while he's away and let HIM do the worrying for a change!

 

Common, "L". Its time to grow up....

I was just wondering if you guys think I should do what my boyfriend originally wanted me to do while he is away in Panama, that is write him letters here so when he gets back he'll see my "progress". I don't see any point in writing letters because it will only frustrate me more and give him more power over the situation.

 

Why do you think he would want me to do this? What purpose would it serve? He assumes I will write him, but I don't think I will. What would YOU suggest??

[Laurynn]

"L"....scroll down the board a ways..and read the response I gave you to you (and other people's responses) when you posted about him telling you on your birthday that he wouldn't "talk" to you while down in Panama. I feel like s stuck record. And I may have responded to a more recent post of yours, explaining to you that you're an ABUSED WOMAN and that you should seriously contact a Battered Women's Shelter (my response was titled, "Sounds like abuse to me") Go read it, cuz I just don't have it in me to repeat it all again.

 

Why in Christ's name would you waste one minute of your time, writing to this f*cker? Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he say that you SHOULD write him but that if you mailed them to him, he wouldn't "read them" while there.

 

Why do you even need to ASK *US* if you should, in actuality, be allowing this horse's ass to keep controlling like this? NOw it's YOU who's allowing him to control you.

 

What the hell is so special about this old fart who's likely got very shady, secretive dealings down in Panama? How do you know you're not dating a criminal? If he gets busted, do you want to go down too?..cuz he doesn't strike me as the type to tell the cops that you weren't involved.

 

Frankly though......I wonder if he's even DOWN in Panama....he wouldn't tell you where he was staying, says he won't call you from there, doesn't want YOU to phone him......how do you know the guy's not off in another local city, spending some time with his honey?

 

Or could he be spending it with that young girl who thinks he's going to marry her? Did you ever think of that? Where did she live again, Nicaragua? Guatemala? (or am I thinking of someone else) Do you even know for SURE he's down in Panama on (no doubt) illegal business?

 

How can you even STAND to be with someone who treats you like a child? How do you even respect him? What do you even GET from being with this loser? Seems to me that all he does is cause you a lot of stress and worry and insecurity.......and he treats you with HORRID disrespect, he's controlling, manipulative, he "punishes you" and "teaches you lessons" (are you a freaking dog? No)....he's secretive and I wouldn't trust the b*stard as far as I could throw him.

 

DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WRITING HIM ANYTHING!! Who is he, your gawddamn therapist? He has no business knowing your 'progress' while he's gone.......geezus, don't you see how TWISTED THAT IS?

 

You need to seriously get yourself into some counselling...or call up a Battered Women's Shelter..you need some support here..so you can use this time to come to your senses and LEAVE THIS ASS!...so that the only letter you write him is "see ya later, assh*le"

 

L

[Laurynn]

Here's what I wrote to down below, so you don't miss it:

 

Click here!

 

L

[L]

I read your past response again and I thank you for it and apologize for wasting your time, but I just need to post on here because it gives me reassurance. That's all.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't he say that you SHOULD write him but that if you mailed them to him, he wouldn't "read them" while there.

 

Not exactly: He wanted me to mail them to his home address, then when he got back from Panama he would read the letters

What the hell is so special about this old fart who's likely got very shady, secretive dealings down in Panama? How do you know you're not dating a criminal? If he gets busted, do you want to go down too?

 

All he told me was that he has an "investment" there and

 

not to ask anymore questions, that if this investment worked out I would be "very happy" in the future.. If I knew about it and it was illegal, could I get busted just for KNOWING??

Frankly though......I wonder if he's even DOWN in Panama....he wouldn't tell you where he was staying, says he won't call you from there, doesn't want YOU to phone him......how do you know the guy's not off in another local city, spending some time with his honey?

 

I know he'd down there because last time I was at his place I snooped in his affairs when he was out and found a legal document (I shouldn't have looked, but I was DYING with curiosity) in Spanish that something about him becoming a permanent resident of Panama and he had to give a certain amount of money, which entitled him to this status (a friend of mine helped me translate it)It also had his address there in Panama, a hotel which I called up just to see if it was a hotel, and it was..

 

I know I should have respected his privacy, but I wanted to find out the truth (if he really had dealings there) and by snooping I confirmed this. Was I wrong to do this under these circumstances??

[BeenThere]

"L"...you are hardly wasting anyone's time. I responded to your post because I felt you were having a 'weak' moment and were wavering in your resolve to make a stand against this jerk. My only intention was to offer you some female support...even a virtual "boot in the a$$" if that's what you need. Come here for as much support as you need...read the responses to your posts as many times as you have to until you finally find the inner strength to get through this. He is behaving as if you were a child in need of "discipline" and now you have allowed him to define the way you perceive yourself. It is, for the lack of a better term, "emotional abuse!"

 

I have been the crutch of an alcoholic husband, the emotional punching bag for a drug addicted daughter, the sounding board for many desperate friends, and a councilor for some very troubled urban teens. I lived and experienced what they call "tough love"...called this because it is HARD on the person who loves them the most. And the most valuable lesson I've learned through the years is to know when to LET GO of situations you can not fix; people you can not change; before you find yourself sucked in by the sickness and a victim of someone else's demise.

 

The person you are in love with is emotionally ill, and you are taking on the "sickness" as your own. Don't be his enabler! Break free and save "L" before its too late and she has lost whatever is left of herself...

 

I read your past response again and I thank you for it and apologize for wasting your time, but I just need to post on here because it gives me reassurance. That's all. Correct Not exactly: He wanted me to mail them to his home address, then when he got back from Panama he would read the letters All he told me was that he has an "investment" there and not to ask anymore questions, that if this investment worked out I would be "very happy" in the future.. If I knew about it and it was illegal, could I get busted just for KNOWING??

 

I know he'd down there because last time I was at his place I snooped in his affairs when he was out and found a legal document (I shouldn't have looked, but I was DYING with curiosity) in Spanish that something about him becoming a permanent resident of Panama and he had to give a certain amount of money, which entitled him to this status (a friend of mine helped me translate it)It also had his address there in Panama, a hotel which I called up just to see if it was a hotel, and it was.. I know I should have respected his privacy, but I wanted to find out the truth (if he really had dealings there) and by snooping I confirmed this. Was I wrong to do this under these circumstances??

[L]

I understand that maybe you won't respond anymore to my posts, but I will still post here because I need to sometimes. Just ignore me. Some people like myself take longer to learn things than others, so just bare with me even if you don't respond

[Joe]

L,

 

I don't post much, but I do come often. While you may not be aware of it, there are different types of ways in which a person takes control of another person in a relation. What he is doing certainly fits into the category of controling you.

 

First off, I'm a guy and perhaps it's just me but never in my life would I treat a loved one the way he's treated you. The problem I have is the fact he feels the need to "punish" you. No, that's not right. Parents punish their KIDS, CRIMINALS are pumished to pay time for what they did.

 

But two lovers don't pumish each other. My best advice for you is to leave him. Face it, he's flat out lying to you and is keeping something from you. If someone truely loves their partner, then not speaking would be literally impossible.

 

Leave his ass and do it now! This is your reassurance, along with the other posts. He is in the wrong for doing what he is doing, and it certainly is screwed up and twisted on what he's doing.

 

As one other post said, teach him a lesson. Make no contact with him what-so-ever. If he attempts to call you, hang up on him. Don't write letters. Offically call it quits, when he gets back don't go running back.

[Miss Mojo]

hi l,

 

you write:

 

I don't see any point in writing letters because it will only frustrate me more and give him more power over the situation.

 

writing him letters is the one thing that WILL give him power. acting like his little puppet-i'll-do-anything-to-keep-this-#####!y-excuse-for-a-boyfriend-on-a-string-including-playing-his-pathetic-abusive-mind-games is EXACTLY what he wants.

 

do you know how you will look in his eyes? you will look desperate and weak. how dare this guy tell you that the only contact you can have with him is to write letters to teach you a lesson!!!. i don't even know this guy from a bar of soap and he disgusts me. how old does he think you are? 4?

 

i am speaking from experience when i tell you that this kind of behaviour is abuse. A-B-U-S-E.

 

the balance of power will shift in your favour if you don't succumb to his pathetic, abusive requests.

 

it is essential to feel free in a relationship. freedom is essential to your personal evolution. you have to be able to make your own decisions, to learn and grow in ways that will lead to your own fulfilment. anything less than this is a compromise.

 

your partner is controlling. you need to ask your partner for what you want but expect that he will have "conditions" on everything. i also find it highly likely that you are passive.

 

refuse his conditions, but continue to ask for what you want. if that fails, then so has the relationship. controlling people rarely stop being controlling because it is in their nature. it is an extension of their fear of losing control. controlling and passive people also have poor relationships. they experience a whole lot of loneliness.

 

do you realise that this mans behaviour is not only controlling, but intimidating, bossy, manipulative, disrespectful? i wouldn't be surprised one bit to also hear that he's overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see him.

 

did you also know that a hallmark of a controlling, abusive partner is they are pro's at disguising their control as concern for your safety and/or conduct? have a close look at your situation....he thinks he is teaching you a lesson. he is trying to make it sound as though he is doing the right thing by you. take a closer look at his relationship history (if you're able to). i bet there was a pattern established a long time ago.

 

i have read your recent posts and i wonder if you have any idea just how vulnerable you are making yourself to this guy. your self-esteem seems to be at rock bottom because you are placing your own self-worth (you are a person with feelings, needs and wants) on this one man who couldn't give a ranatoonga about how any of this makes you feel.

 

you are going to end up a hell of a lot lonlier continiuing this relationship than you ever would by staying in it.

 

if you haven't already, you will find yourself losing sight of who you are and making significant sacrifices just to keep peace in the relationship. it is time to stop accepting the unacceptable and break free from his control.

 

by the way, did i mention his behaviour is abusive?

 

best wishes

[Miss Mojo]

"you are going to end up a hell of a lot lonlier continiuing this relationship than you ever would by staying in it"

 

should read:

 

"you are going to end up a hell of a lot lonlier continiuing this relationship than you ever would by leaving him"

[Laurynn]

No where did I imply, insinuate or suggest you stop posting here. This is a free world, and a free forum. You can post all you want. What I don't get is, "WHY" you post.....the things you tell us about him are so OBVIOUSLY abusive and unhealthy, I just don't understand why you even have to "ask" if it's okay for someone who's supposed to love you, to "punish you" and "teach you lessons" ..... how can you think this is the kind of guy to stay with? How many months or years are you going to continue having to snoop and investigate, to find out if he's lying?

 

Like I've asked before, but you never bother to answer: what do you even GET out of this so-called relationship?

 

What do you hope to gain by even posting this stuff, over and over here.....are you waiting until you've received 500 responses suggesting that you dump him, and that 500 will be the magic number that causes you to do so?

 

Doesn't seem like you want to help yourself at all. Seems you're totally obsessed with this guy. You've totally and completely missed the forest for the trees. Sad.

 

L

[Tony T]

I never mop...I use Bounty, the cleaner picker upper.

[quankanne]

forget the mops, forget the bounty ... that's what dogs are for!

[L]

I wrote him a few letters and sent them, I love him.

[Lilly]

One day many, many years from now, you'll look back at the girl you are right now and cry for her.

 

You'll be crying coz it's a really, really sad thing to know you stayed with a bloke who treated you like toilet paper.... just because "I LOOOOOOOOOOVE HIM".

[BeenThere]

It's okay "L." You did what you thought you had to do. Life is a series of lessons...HARD lessons. And sometimes we can't learn them through the examples of others. We have to live it ourselves, sometimes over and over again until we finally *get it*.

 

It's like the mother who tells her child not to touch the stove because it is hot. But that child does not understand exactly what "hot" means until that child touches the stove anyway and is burned. Now the lesson is learned. And how many of us who have Been There would love to pass our wisdom along to those we care about if only to keep them from making the same mistakes and being hurt. But it's impossible. We can not live our lessons for other people, they are for us to grow from alone...

 

Brace yourself "L"; because this one is going to hurt real bad. But later when you've sorted it all out, try not to dwell too much on your regret. File it, learn from it, and what ever you do...try never to repeat it again. You'll get no "I told you so" from me. I already sympathize, but from here on will not try to intervene.

 

Best Wishes...

I wrote him a few letters and sent them, I love him.

[the real L]

This morning he called me from Panama to my surprize and told me how much he missed and loved me and that I was in his heart the whole time. He then asked me if I had written him letters (he expected I had) and I told him I didn't and he seemed worried. He then asked me if I still loved him the same way as before and I replied, "I'm not telling you,"

 

He told me he loved the weather over there and the cheap food, but didn't think people were trustworthy over there. I didn't push him for further information, but he did tell me he was staying at the cheap hotel (The one where I found the business card to...but he doesn't know that!!). It is really expensive to call, so I told him to call collect next time and give me a number where to call him which he said he would do..

 

He kept asking me how I was doing and if I would write and I told him it would be nice if he wrote me, so he told me he would try, but was afraid it would take to long to reach me and by the time it reached me he would be back already. Anyhow, guys, should I write him NOW??? or just keep the suspense?

[yes]

I wouldn't write him anything.

 

Stay cool and see how he acts when he's back. It's so easy to say "i love u" ... wait till his actions show he does before u believe him.

 

good luck

 

-yes

This morning he called me from Panama to my surprize and told me how much he missed and loved me and that I was in his heart the whole time. He then asked me if I had written him letters (he expected I had) and I told him I didn't and he seemed worried. He then asked me if I still loved him the same way as before and I replied, "I'm not telling you," He told me he loved the weather over there and the cheap food, but didn't think people were trustworthy over there. I didn't push him for further information, but he did tell me he was staying at the cheap hotel (The one where I found the business card to...but he doesn't know that!!). It is really expensive to call, so I told him to call collect next time and give me a number where to call him which he said he would do..

 

He kept asking me how I was doing and if I would write and I told him it would be nice if he wrote me, so he told me he would try, but was afraid it would take to long to reach me and by the time it reached me he would be back already. Anyhow, guys, should I write him NOW??? or just keep the suspense?

[Gina]

How can you live in a relationship such as the one that you are living (in an egg-shell)

 

Grow up and dump the joker

 

You deserve better

 

Either that or you need some growing up to do also

 

People just don't live like this..or anyways normal people do not

 

A vibrator would be a better boyfriend

 

At least you would know where it is