My bf is an amazing guy/my best friend but there's no passion....what do i do?

[dreaming4ever]

Ok, this is an odd situation I'm in but let me explain.....(I'll keep it short)

 

I met this guy last September through a friend and we started dating and things were going really good and we were working through our long distance relationship just making things work. Everything was going well, we were happy and really in tune with each other and would often talk for a long period of time about our interests and cuddle, etc.

 

We were a couple for a while but a couple months into the relationship my feelings changed and I just didn't feel for him what I had before. I don't exactly know why, it just happened. I told him about it at the time and we tried to work through it but it never changed. I couldn't feel more for him than I already did. I felt close to him but I never got that "crazy for him" feeling that I'd had with previously boyfriends. So, we broke up but we kept in touch.

 

He said the only way that we could still talk is if we were together because it would hurt him too much to see me and not be able to touch me. But I didn't want to say goodbye b/c I felt so close to him and he was like my best friend. So, when he moved closer for school in January we decided to be together again.

 

I'm in such a dilemma though because my feelings haven't changed for him and I pretty much know they're not going to. But if I tell him we can only be friends he won't talk to me because he'd have to get over me. We've been spending every moment we have free together hanging out and having fun. He's amazing and treats me really nice and he listens to me and really cares. But, a part of me feels blah because I have no desire to kiss him or anything like that. I usually avoid doing anything physical with him unless he bugs a lot.

 

So what do I do? I really need him in my life and would be so lonely without him. But I'm just not feeling it.........any suggestions? This is the weirdest relationship I've ever been in. I don't even know why I'm doing it. I feel bad too because I'm all he has in the area and he doesn't know or hang out with anyone at all so if he didn't talk to me anymore he'd be all alone. What do I do? It sucks because I have been living in denial for so long and now I think we should really not be together because I couldn't ever marry someone that I don't feel passionate for but on the other hand, he is the nicest guy (and even PERSON) I've ever met and there's no way any other guy could possibly top him. I mean, doesn't passion just turn into friendship eventually anyways? I would be crushed without him but I can't help but feel like I'm burying these feelings of incompleteness I've been having. Maybe I can just get through it and be happy with him since we're such great friends and he would be a great husband and father? I don't know........help!

[dreaming4ever]

If I marry him, will I regret it? I just don't know what to do.......he's so sweet and loving!

[Quinch]

I wouldn't do anything yet. You've already said he's a great guy and that's more than most people have so if he's not two timing, beating you up, lying, stealing, bullying, doing drugs, grave robbing or voting republican then it would be unfair on him to dump him now. That's just a guy's opinion. If you're still not happy in a few months then come back to us.

[DeeBrod83]

See, I have a post that deals with very much the same issue (a little different) but I really truly feel like you need to have a spark. I feel like without the passion you just have a great friend. Do you think it's fair to him to have someone who doesn't completely love him in every way he should be, or for you to go through with a passionless relationship? I know it's a harsh thing to say, but then what happens if you two get married and your true love, passion and all, comes along?

[norajane]

It's really not fair for you to keep stringing him along just because you'll be lonely if he's not in your life.

 

You said you know your feelings won't change, so it's best to let him go so he can be free to get over you and meet someone who's heart does beat a little faster when he's around. There are plenty of women who wish to find a great guy like yours and who would feel passion - he deserves a chance to be with one of them instead of with someone who can't feel it for him. You also should be with someone whom you feel some passion for.

[dreaming4ever]

I was afraid you guys would say that. I have felt this way for months and months now. And it sucks because I know if I leave him it will be hard for the next guy I'm with to top how loving and caring my bf is.....but without passion I feel only half alive. The reason I was finally able to admit this to myself instead of living in denial is because someone at my work recently admitted that he has feelings for me and while I definitely wouldn't cheat on my bf, there is definitely a spark between me and my co-worker that I can feel whenever I am around him. My current bf is very perceptive and recently said out of the blue that he just wanted me to know that he would be absolutely devastated and feel like his world is ripped apart if I left him. That and the fact that I am the only person he's hung out with in the last 8 months and the fact that I help him out with $ makes me feel like leaving him would just be so cold.

[DeeBrod83]

You can continue to be friends (though it may be very difficult to around each other) and the money thing sounds fishy, but you can't make life decisions based on circumstances such as those. You guys can work out the details, but you need to do what's right for you. And if he fights you, just explain to him that this is just how it is and no amount of convincing can change that. Quick question for you: did you start dating him right after getting out of another relationship?

[dreaming4ever]

My bf is kinda odd and sees having friends as a weakness so I'm the only person he hangs out with and he has made it quite clear that if we weren't together anymore we would be completely out of each others lives.

 

And yes, I did start seeing him right after I ended another relationship but this other relationship was over to me a long time before it was officially over. I think the problem was that with my bf now, I wasn't initially attracted to him physically, only mentally but I just went with it anyways because he's so kind and unlike anyone else I've ever met.

[DeeBrod83]

Yeah... exact same situation as mine. There's an article that I read on msn that talked about this exact situation and that it happens all the time, but you can't let yourself get 'stuck' or try and convince yourself to settle. If he chooses to have no other friends or not be friends with you afterwards, than that's his loss, but you can't be responsible for that. You need to look out for #1 because who else will!?!

[dreaming4ever]

weird! Can I read that article?

[serial muse]

If he chooses to have no other friends or not be friends with you afterwards, than that's his loss, but you can't be responsible for that.

 

i think this is really important - i mean, i believe you that he's a great guy overall, but i think it's an awful lot of pressure to lay on someone - to tell you you're his only confidant, his whole world, not to mention his financial support, that if you left he'd be devastated and "his world ripped apart"...it's flattering, on one level, but that's a rather unattractive burden to bear (see the other thread on this topic: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97481/).

 

also, I'm not sure what he means by having friends is a weakness. some of what you described sounds a bit...passive-aggressively controlling. have you ever felt that way about him? i mean, obviously, he senses you pulling away and is fighting to keep you close, in his own way...but wouldn't it be more sensitive (and productive) of him to talk about your issues in the relationship, rather than overwhelm you with how devastated he'll be if you choose to leave? that's a little manipulative.

 

at any rate, i also agree that you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with someone. passion is never going to magically grow from that kind of choice. and yes, it's offers him the opportunity to move on, too, and hopefully find someone who feels the same about him.

 

i'd like to read the article dee mentioned, too.

[dreaming4ever]

By saying having friends is a sign of weakness, my bf means that he doesn't need anyone besides himself to have a good time. He doesn't feel a need to hang out with any peers because he can just do things on his own.

 

And yes, he has been controlling before....but yeah, we actually talked about some of our issues tonight. I'm still confused though. It's a situation where I could easily go both ways and I'm not sure which way I won't regret

[Mary3]

You are what is referred to as Platonic Friends. You don't feel passion but you care about him as a friend.

 

I personally could not exist in a relationship without passion.

[dreaming4ever]

well, I do kiss him and do other gf/bf things, so we're not exactly platonic friends

[Quinch]

I was the guy in a relationship almost exactly like this a few years ago and, believe me, it wasn't easy to get over. I felt like I had done everything to make her happy but she wanted more. I don't think she really knew what she wanted except that it wasn't me and that made me feel like the most pathetic piece of crap on earth.

 

I won't ask you to stay in a relationship if there is no love but just remember ladies that us guys have feelings too. We're not toys that you can play with and then dump when you get bored. I hope you're not like that d4e, but I've known girls that are and I suppose you can guess that it's still something of a sore point for me.

[DeeBrod83]

Hey guys! Not completely sure how to direct you to the article I was talking about but I really do advice that if you have a situation like this to read it.... it's on msn, under Dating and Personals.... Suddenly Single advice article # 60488 called One woman loves the new guy in her life, but isn’t in love with him—what to do?

Hope that helps! If you want the actual link PM me and I'll give it to you!

[SmoochieFace]

My bf is kinda odd and sees having friends as a weakness so I'm the only person he hangs out with and he has made it quite clear that if we weren't together anymore we would be completely out of each others lives.

 

He's a smart man. That shows he has backbone and that he isn't the stereotypical 'nice guy'.

[Interloper]

My bf is kinda odd and sees having friends as a weakness

 

Lets see how strong he is when you dump him and he has no friends to go to

 

Seriously tho, you can't keep going out with him if you feel this way. It's going to be messy now but imagine how messy it will be if you keep dragging it along.

[dreaming4ever]

true....but that makes me feel worse....that he has no friends to talk to afterwards. Like he always tells me, I'm his world!

[SmoochieFace]

true....but that makes me feel worse....that he has no friends to talk to afterwards. Like he always tells me, I'm his world!

 

Disregard my previous post about him having a backbone. Any man who says that his GF is his 'world' is a spineless wuss. He doesn't seem to have anything going for himself. Where are his hobbies? Interests? Friends?

[DeeBrod83]

As much as this sounds heartless, honestly it's not your problem. You're problem is making YOU happy! You fix your problem and let him fix his.... you both created your own destiny right now so don't feel bad for him as he doesn't feel bad for you I'm sure.

Look out for numero uno hun!

[dreaming4ever]

I know I only have to worry about myself but this is just a crappy situation cuz I know I'm going to not be completely happy whether I stay in the relationship or not

[DeeBrod83]

ah... so is life. Happiness is what you make of it. You create your own happiness. At least getting out of a doomed relationship give you a CHANCE to find true happiness. In the relationship there is none.

[whichwayisup]

well, I do kiss him and do other gf/bf things, so we're not exactly platonic friends

 

But he doesn't really turn you on and it seems he doesn't make your heart sing...

You are emotionally attached to him, you care about him but it's not sexual.

 

Been there. I dated a guy a long long time ago (rebound) for afew months and I really did like him. He treated me well, was romantic, cute, outgoing, the perfect guy to bring home to mom and dad...Problem was, I was NOT attracte to him at all. Kissing him did absolutely nothing for me. Eventually he sensed I was not into him and we broke up. I was sad because he was a real sweetheart and I knew I hurt him...But, my heart wasn't in it and that wasn't fair to him.

 

Just be straight forward with him and also let him know he needs other people in his life, it can't be just you. That's too much pressure and it's not fair to you.