Another trial separation

[PWSX3]

I was hoping that I would find help in this forum.

I don't know why I treated her so bad and I hope to go to counsoling more often in the future to figure it out.

Someone told me instead of leading the counsoler in how I want it to go that I need to have her lead me in how to make myself better.

I don't want to be like this to whoever the next person is weather it's Teri or someone else, I need to change.

[dgiirl]

Have you tried appologizing to her? Not just admitting you did these things, and then quickly justifying it. But simply appologizing to her, and telling her how remorseful you are (if you are remorseful) for doing such things to her? It might not have an affect on her, but it would be a good thing to atleast do. Everytime you admit to doing something wrong, and then quickly justify it with a reason, it cancels out your appology. It's like telling someone you are sorry for doing something, but they have NO right to be upset because you had every right to do it. If you have a reason for doing it, then how could you be truely sorry for doing it? Being sorry means you regret doing it and acknowledge that there is no reason at all that justifies you doing it. It allows the other person to feel validated for there feelings, and allows them to forgive you for the situation.

 

 

And I highly suspect your therapist is asking your wife to give you things you can do, not simply because you dont understand what needs to change, but more for HER to actually assert herself in a safe environment. You both are going to therapy, which means you both have things to work on. Realize that some of the things your therapist is asking your wife is for her own benefit. In this case, your wife has been passive way too long in this relationship and she doesnt know how to ask for what she wants. And every time she seems to have asserted herself, she got slapped on the wrist by you. Dont focus too much on the things your wife needs to improve. If you want to save this marriage, focus on everything YOU need to do.

 

Do not find all the faults your wife is doing and use that as some kind of vindication that it's not all your fault. Like in your post, you mentioned your wife being scared to make a decision and asking you for directions. You seemed to have been proud that your wife needed your help and seemed to have used that as justification for all the things you've done. "See, I need to do this, otherwise this will happen". Listen, so what if that happens? Will the sky really fall if it happens? Let her try things on her own, let her fail in some things, and dont be so quick to point it out to her. She has trouble asserting herself, and why wouldnt she when she has you to do everything for her? Let her try things, encourage her to do so, and be there when she gets stuck, offer her advice if she asks, but dont take over! Show her that you have confidence in her decisions, and even if she makes the wrong decision, it will be ok.

 

You also gloat about her waking up late. She didnt have you to wake her up, so she was late for work. Dude, seriously, when did you become her father? So what, she woke up late! It fricken happens. Does it involve you? Maybe her coworker will be upset with her, but why do you need to take that situation as vindication for yourself? She already has her coworker upset with her, and now she has you gloating in the background. Is that how you provide your spouse with a safe place to fall? When did her failures become your victories? How sad is that?

 

As dr phil would ask, do you want to be right or happy?

[a4a]

I was hoping that I would find help in this forum.

I don't know why I treated her so bad and I hope to go to counsoling more often in the future to figure it out.

Someone told me instead of leading the counsoler in how I want it to go that I need to have her lead me in how to make myself better.

I don't want to be like this to whoever the next person is weather it's Teri or someone else, I need to change.

 

You know maybe if she wrote you a list of the ways you hurt her and if you actually read it and realized that to her it is REAL it might be a good start.

 

I give you some credit here you look like you are starting to see things for how they really might be. I hope it is not too late......

 

and just maybe you need to call her right now and be a real man and take control of yourself and beg her for a chance to show her how you actually are changing..... but for petes sake don't lie to her and tell her you are going to and then not do it. That would just be another control tactic.

 

you have acted like a snotty little boy during this marriage.... time to be a caring man.... best get on it.

 

and how long have you been seeing this therapist? Man you need one that cuts right through your BS..... go see your therapist and ask that therapist to toughen up on your ass.

[RecordProducer]

A person can be controlling in his character, but nobody can control your life unless you let them. My husband can be controlling in his own way, but when I put my foot down he becomes my little puppy. I need to lose 10 lbs (go up and down every few months, now I am up) and my husband mentioned it to me once or twice, but I told him that I don't want to hear it from him, I know myself what I should do and how I should look and if it matters to him so much, maybe he should try and find himself a perfect woman. Since then he feels he is not "allowed" to say anything about my weight. However I do suffer when I have extra pounds, I do want to look great because I can. But if a woman doesn't care about her looks, her husband does have a right to complain. Why would a woman complain about not enough affection but a husband can't complain about her looks that turn him off? YOU WERE HONEST! And moreover you do love your wife despite of her looks.

 

I think any two people living together can be demanding in certain ways. If you live with a room mate, you can let them know that you expect from them to clean the bathroom and kitchen after using them, buy their own food and not eat yours when you planned something to be your dinner, not play loud music or invite a bunch of junkies in the house, not smoke or allow phone calls in the middle of the night etc. Now most room mates know this by default, but if they don't you have to tell them.

 

Why would living with a lover or spouse be much different? Who on this earth is allowed to do whatever they want? People who live alone can be masters of their time and households, but when you share your life with someone both partners have to compromise - the words heard so many times that it wore out in our ears. We don't take it seriously.

 

I think your wife is the kind of person that becomes inferior and weak when she is with a strong person. She doesn't have the strength to oppose you. She can only be like that and put up with it or remove herself from the picture. If she ever wants to be with you again, you'll have to let her do whatever she wants and let her take the consequences herself.

 

Can you ask her to stay and promise that you will not control her or bother her, that she can do whatever she wants?

 

I also have a few questions: is she too overweight as in very fat or so-so? What are you ages and occupations? You don't have to answer these questions, of course.

[PWSX3]

You also gloat about her waking up late. She didnt have you to wake her up, so she was late for work. Dude, seriously, when did you become her father? So what, she woke up late! It fricken happens. Does it involve you? Maybe her coworker will be upset with her, but why do you need to take that situation as vindication for yourself? She already has her coworker upset with her, and now she has you gloating in the background. Is that how you provide your spouse with a safe place to fall? When did her failures become your victories? How sad is that?

 

As dr phil would ask, do you want to be right or happy?

 

Thank you very much for this post, if I was a good husband I could have let her know what time it was instead of just getting ready myself. These are the things I need to change because until you said that I didn't even think of it as gloating.

[a4a]

A person can be controlling in his character, but nobody can control your life unless you let them. My husband can be controlling in his own way, but when I put my foot down he becomes my little puppy. I need to lose 10 lbs (go up and down every few months, now I am up) and my husband mentioned it to me once or twice, but I told him that I don't want to hear it from him, I know myself what I should do and how I should look and if it matters to him so much, maybe he should try and find himself a perfect woman. Since then he feels he is not "allowed" to say anything about my weight. However I do suffer when I have extra pounds, I do want to look great because I can. But if a woman doesn't care about her looks, her husband does have a right to complain. Why would a woman complain about not enough affection but a husband can't complain about her looks that turn him off? YOU WERE HONEST! And moreover you do love your wife despite of her looks.

 

I think any two people living together can be demanding in certain ways. If you live with a room mate, you can let them know that you expect from them to clean the bathroom and kitchen after using them, buy their own food and not eat yours when you planned something to be your dinner, not play loud music or invite a bunch of junkies in the house, not smoke or allow phone calls in the middle of the night etc. Now most room mates know this by default, but if they don't you have to tell them.

 

Why would living with a lover or spouse be much different? Who on this earth is allowed to do whatever they want? People who live alone can be masters of their time and households, but when you share your life with someone both partners have to compromise - the words heard so many times that it wore out in our ears. We don't take it seriously.

 

I think your wife is the kind of person that becomes inferior and weak when she is with a strong person. She doesn't have the strength to oppose you. She can only be like that and put up with it or remove herself from the picture. If she ever wants to be with you again, you'll have to let her do whatever she wants and let her take the consequences herself.

 

Can you ask her to stay and promise that you will not control her or bother her, that she can do whatever she wants?

 

I also have a few questions: is she too overweight as in very fat or so-so? What are you ages and occupations? You don't have to answer these questions, of course.

 

 

there is a huge difference between an honest constructive complaint and one that is meant to hurt.

 

If I waited for my husband to walk in the door and said " hey loser boy, what did you do today, you walking POS?" that does not make for a constructive complaint. Nor does the comment " that food is going to stick to your thighs"

 

This OP threatened that she would never see her son again if she tried to leave..... that was a tatic an abuser would use.

 

After years of abuse you learn your place. You do not attempt to fight it any more. But in this case she finally has the courage to stand up to him by leaving.

 

A person who is good at controlling others can indeed screw with their partners mind until a point is reached where the reciever sees that they cannot stand up for themselves.

 

Much like elephants that are chained..... because they are chained from the start of life when adults they believe that they cannot break free even if only tethered by a string hanging from their leg shackle....... so no people cannot always stop another from controlling them on their own.

 

My guess is the therapy sessions are what helped her realize he only actually has her tethered by a string finally.

[PWSX3]

 

I also have a few questions: is she too overweight as in very fat or so-so? What are you ages and occupations? You don't have to answer these questions, of course.

 

She is 5'4" and has been around 280 pounds but she is down to 260 pounds as of this week.

She is 45 I'm & I just turned 46, she works with insurance so she is behind a computer all day and I sell electrical supplies. We work in different towns about 20 miles from each other.

[PWSX3]

a4a, I have to thank you for shooting straight with me. I have done some thinking today of how I treated the wife in the past and I don't like it at all. Sure they might have been just little things here or there but like Recordproducer said if I love her then why would I even be saying them??

 

I just don't know why I did some of the things I have done in the past but I hope counsoling will help me find out why.

 

I have an appointment on Monday and instead of going in trying to blame this or that like I have I'm going to introduce myself and tell her I am person that is controlling, I belittle people to make myself feel better & that I need her help to figure out why I do these things & what I can do to stop this abuse.

 

something that I have just realized is I've always thought my brother-in-law was controlling to my sister but boy have my eyes been open, I have to say I'm as bad as he is or maybe even worse and didn't even realize it.

 

i've been this way for 46 years so I hope it doesn't take that long to straighten myself out.

[a4a]

a4a, I have to thank you for shooting straight with me. I have done some thinking today of how I treated the wife in the past and I don't like it at all. Sure they might have been just little things here or there but like Recordproducer said if I love her then why would I even be saying them??

 

I just don't know why I did some of the things I have done in the past but I hope counsoling will help me find out why.

 

I have an appointment on Monday and instead of going in trying to blame this or that like I have I'm going to introduce myself and tell her I am person that is controlling, I belittle people to make myself feel better & that I need her help to figure out why I do these things & what I can do to stop this abuse.

 

something that I have just realized is I've always thought my brother-in-law was controlling to my sister but boy have my eyes been open, I have to say I'm as bad as he is or maybe even worse and didn't even realize it.

 

i've been this way for 46 years so I hope it doesn't take that long to straighten myself out.

 

Well I am glad I helped. I truly hope you can get your marriage back on track.

keep posting if you need an ear to bend

[PWSX3]

Well I am glad I helped. I truly hope you can get your marriage back on track.

keep posting if you need an ear to bend

 

To be honest the marriage isn't what needs work on right now, I need work on and then down the road we will see what happens. I have been worried about if or when we are going to get back together and I can see it will be a while.

 

I DO NOT want Teri coming back to the person I am now!!!!

You can change your behavior toward her, not your inner self and how can you prove you've changed if she is not around?

After getting a reality check today I have to change my inner self because that is what is making me do the controlling, thinking Teri can't live without me, doing things to make me feel better when it hurts someone else, etc. We have a child that will keep us in contact and hopefully when she sees me she will see a different Perry and hopefully down the road she might want to meet that new person and then and only then will we start working on our relationship again.

[RecordProducer]

Excuse me, but there is a huge difference between calling someone a piece of sh*t and loser from telling someone sarcastically (after many years of trying to tell them that it's not cute to be fat) that the cookies will look good on their thighs. What he meant was: "Those cookies won't look good on your thighs, but you won't go on a diet."

 

Sure, she doesn't have to. But let's not talk about a woman that was trying hard to make her husband happy if eating was more important to her. Damn, I suffer because of my 5-10 lbs (10 to look thin as a model) and I weight 130 lbs, 5'6" tall. My husband is 49 years old.

 

This may sound cruel, but this is the reality - most people don't like overweight partners. And yet he wants her! But she wants to be overweight and do whatever she wants with no criticism. I mean, when we women nag it's for good reasons - husbands don't give us what we want. But when men nag they are being controlling. It boils down to that, huh?

 

Frankly, I don't know if I would want to stay with my husband if he gained 150 lbs of pure fat because he couldn't resist the refrigerator.

 

About spending money... if HE spent it on things that were not necessary while the bills were waiting to be paid, he'd be called irresponsible. But when she is doing it, he is again being controlling.

 

What I am saying is: they both didn't try hard to make their marriage work. But, Perry, you want her back so YOU have to change, not her, I guess.

 

I figure you understand what your faults are and want to change and you're a victim of your own faults. And maybe she just brought the worst in you.

 

I have a few more questions: did she ever tell you how she felt about your negative comments and complaints? If yes, how did you react? Did she criticize you also or was it only you who criticized her? Was she a good wife overall? How much did her weight bother you? Was she thin when you married her? How do you look?

 

a4a, you're funny and as usually make me laugh. You are also right about her character estimation - people who are spineless and weak usually can't oppose, but are capable to just leave at some point.

 

See, about her son and Perry's threats... when I wanted to take my kids with me to the US and my ex-husband said "NO WAY!" I told him: "You are making me very angry and I'm afraid you're not gonna like the outcome ."

 

At that time I didn't know what I was going to do, but I knew I would make sure I find a way to take the kids with me. Threats don't stop people who really want to achieve something.

[onmyownagain]

PWSX3 You are getting a hard time on here which is a shame because you are suffering enough.

 

Regardless of how you treated her over the years I think you have to accept your marriage is over, for now anyway.

 

I think you need to find yourself a nice apartment and move out, then see what happens but my guess is you will be splitting up forever, too much water under the bridge.

 

You need to learn to change but I think this is going to help your next relationship not your current one.

 

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

[dgiirl]

onmyown, noone's trying to give him a hard time, just for the sake of giving him a hard time. If noone cared, noone would post. I'm glad he posted, and I'm glad he's looking for help, and I'm glad he's hearing part of the advice people are posting. Although some of the advice might be harsh, sometimes it's what we really need to hear.

[PWSX3]

PWSX3 You are getting a hard time on here which is a shame because you are suffering enough.

 

Regardless of how you treated her over the years I think you have to accept your marriage is over, for now anyway.

 

I think you need to find yourself a nice apartment and move out, then see what happens but my guess is you will be splitting up forever, too much water under the bridge.

 

You need to learn to change but I think this is going to help your next relationship not your current one.

 

Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

At first I did think that a4a was being a hard on me, but then I read her posts a couple times, then came back and read them again and realized that might have been the only way I figured out my problem.

Because I have been like I am all my life I never did see really how I was until she wrote it in a way that made me look at it more then once.

Recordpruder has also been helpful but in a kinder way, which has been a good balance, it keeps me coming back.

Last night I sat down with Teri and told her I don't want to be like this anymore and I had printed out parts of what was said on here and shared it with her.

Today I have to work and it usually is slow on Saturday's so I want to start listing things that I have controlled or had opinions on that I should have said; If it doesn't directly relate to me LET IT GO!!!

Here is an example of how bad I am, I used to give her a hard time because of the music she used to listen to. I don't do that now because I have figured out that one but this morning Teri showed me one that I had no idea about because it was so long ago.

She took me into the bathroom and showed me how I had folded up some towels and she said when we first got married I had to have her fold the towels like my mom did. I've been doing the laundry now and I didn't know even how to fold the towels like I had told her she had to and so they are not folded correctly.

onmyownagain, I agree at this time I have to work on "me" not us. If I don't change how "I" am then a relationship won't work with anyone if I can't learn to compromise and share.

Last night I tried to figure out why I am this way because I don't think my dad is but maybe he is and I just don't see it.

Anyway if anyone has suggestions on things that can help me I am welling to listen. You guys have helped me see what I am doing wrong so that was a big step for me.

[PWSX3]

We have been going to counsoling for 5 years and it took people on this board to show me what is really wrong with me.

Why I never learned it in counsoling I don't know but now I hope I can start counsoling again and fix what "I" am doing wrong.

[a4a]

We have been going to counsoling for 5 years and it took people on this board to show me what is really wrong with me.

Why I never learned it in counsoling I don't know but now I hope I can start counsoling again and fix what "I" am doing wrong.

 

Well I was not trying to be harsh just communicate to you in a way that you are used to communicating.

 

No nonsense approach.

 

Your posts are direct and to the point.

 

But think about your communication right now.

 

You cannt always expect another person to hear what you have to say if what you are saying is said with anger or frustration.

"stick to thighs"........yep your wife is fat and if she keeps eating she is going to get fatter for sure..... that is a fact!

 

How about this instead:

 

Honey, I know you really like cheesecake, but you said that you want to lose weight and I would like to help and support you to do that because you seem so happy when you lost the weight before. I also love you and want you around for a long time. So if you want it that bad I understand that but I am really trying to help you by bringing this to your attention because I really do love you and really want to see you happy.

 

a lot more work and effort than : "hey fatty the cheesecake is gonna stick to your ass." Your wife knows she is fat. But what she does not know is that you care about her enough to want to help her. (I think you do care)

 

Before you open your mouth about something think how your words will make that person feel. At times you may have to guess but words are very powerful indeed.

 

The towel thing..... there is nothing wrong with liking things a certain way if you ask for it to be that way in a manner that is constructive.

 

"hey babe, ya know I may be really weird but I really like the towels folded like this, you may not like it but for some silly reason it means a lot to me"

[PWSX3]

I have never been one that is good with his words and yes the counsoler has told me it is how I say things makes a difference, but that is still no excuse of how I've treated Teri by being controlling.

That will be a much harder thing to change then just saying something in a nicer way, but for now I try to watch what I say & I have caught myself after saying something to Teri so I call her back and explain to her that I should have said it in a different way so she knows I am trying plus it helps me when I see I say something wrong that I tell the person again in a better way.

 

Here is a sample; the other day I asked Teri when are you going to be home? I need to talk to you about some stuff!!

Instead of saying it that way I called her back and appoligized and explained to her I said it the wrong way that I should have just asked if she would be home in time that we could set down and talk????

I felt the first way is again controlling and also checking up on her, which are two of the things she says I do. Yes I already starting working on that part but it was yesterdays comments about being bruttle to Teri that really makes me see how I need to change.

 

Yes I do care about Teri's health and yes I know she knows she is overweight, but the only person that can change that is Teri and the only thing I can be is supportive and I have not done that.

[a4a]

I have never been one that is good with his words and yes the counsoler has told me it is how I say things makes a difference, but that is still no excuse of how I've treated Teri by being controlling.

That will be a much harder thing to change then just saying something in a nicer way, but for now I try to watch what I say & I have caught myself after saying something to Teri so I call her back and explain to her that I should have said it in a different way so she knows I am trying plus it helps me when I see I say something wrong that I tell the person again in a better way.

 

Here is a sample; the other day I asked Teri when are you going to be home? I need to talk to you about some stuff!!

Instead of saying it that way I called her back and appoligized and explained to her I said it the wrong way that I should have just asked if she would be home in time that we could set down and talk????

I felt the first way is again controlling and also checking up on her, which are two of the things she says I do. Yes I already starting working on that part but it was yesterdays comments about being bruttle to Teri that really makes me see how I need to change.

 

Yes I do care about Teri's health and yes I know she knows she is overweight, but the only person that can change that is Teri and the only thing I can be is supportive and I have not done that.

 

Well what are you feeling when you say things like this:

 

Teri when are you going to be home? I need to talk to you about some stuff!!

 

and why do you think you are saying it to her like that?

[PWSX3]

Well what are you feeling when you say things like this:

 

Teri when are you going to be home? I need to talk to you about some stuff!!

 

and why do you think you are saying it to her like that?

I would say because it's the easy way of saying it because it doesn't take work as you said and I didn't worry about Teri's feelings.

At first I didn't know why but after reading it again a couple time I would say because I was being selfish and not worried about what Teri was doing but what I needed and that was her to be home to answer "my" questions.

I don't know how I felt at the time, but now looking at it I feel I didn't have any concern of how Teri was feeling just worried about me!!

[a4a]

I would say because it's the easy way of saying it because it doesn't take work as you said and I didn't worry about Teri's feelings.

At first I didn't know why but after reading it again a couple time I would say because I was being selfish and not worried about what Teri was doing but what I needed and that was her to be home to answer "my" questions.

I don't know how I felt at the time, but now looking at it I feel I didn't have any concern of how Teri was feeling just worried about me!!

 

 

So at the times you were doing these things you were not aware at all that she had feelings or rights or you knew but you simply dismissed them as yours were more important?

 

In other words :

 

1. I knew it might hurt her feelings but my needs came first.

 

2. or I had no clue she even had feelings or care that I talk to her like this.

 

3. or she may have feelings but I cannot grasp the idea that she does not feel exactly as I do. She should just understand how I am.

 

4. or screw her feeling, I knew she had them but mine always come first, she can just deal with it.

 

This is not an exercise to beat you up but to have you understand what parts were missing and why you did what you did.

[PWSX3]

WOW!!! you really have a way to put things in the right words that I can understand them.

It is all about putting me first & I didn't care what the other person feels nor did I care about there feelings.

 

The scary part is I do this with others besides Teri. In fact a friend of ours asked me to come see her last Sunday because I hadn't seen her for a while and when we got in the car she started telling me about her trip to Mexico and I just said; oh I heard about that and started talking about my problems. Yes I had heard she went to mexico but she never told me how the trip went. I was more worried about telling her about my problems then listening to what she wanted to tell me.

I would have never realized I did it until she emailed me a few days later when I was again asking for advice.

 

Boy do I have a long road ahead of me.

[a4a]

WOW!!! you really have a way to put things in the right words that I can understand them.

It is all about putting me first & I didn't care what the other person feels nor did I care about there feelings.

 

The scary part is I do this with others besides Teri. In fact a friend of ours asked me to come see her last Sunday because I hadn't seen her for a while and when we got in the car she started telling me about her trip to Mexico and I just said; oh I heard about that and started talking about my problems. Yes I had heard she went to mexico but she never told me how the trip went. I was more worried about telling her about my problems then listening to what she wanted to tell me.

I would have never realized I did it until she emailed me a few days later when I was again asking for advice.

 

Boy do I have a long road ahead of me.

 

:lmao: It is my job to figure out how to talk to others...learn to speak their language 'so to speak' But my expertise is with four legged creatures.

(some people I find are not worth attempting to really communicate with)

 

I think you are going to be ok and you will deal with this. You will be so much happier if you do. (for yourself)

At least you see this now more clearly.

IMHO you should print out this thread and show it to your therapist. I think that might help things along.

 

Maybe you could get out of this habit by using a sort of conditioned response method.

When a person asks you a question or engages in communication with you say something to yourself like " I have a responsibility to be respectful to this person"

 

I have one myself I use with my H...... "I will refrain from stabbing you in the head with a fork".... ..that way I don't lash out before speaking and stop and try to see things from his point of view and not just my own. It sounds bad but we have a odd sense of humor in our house.

 

Another good tool is I realize as a human when I attempt to get an animals to do what I want it to do I have to speak their language. A way that they understand if I want to get them to perform I have to find a way to motivate them in which they understand. Works on people too they just tend to be more complicated and hide their real feelings/needs behind ego and pain.

 

If I fail to get the response I am looking for the first question to ask is "what did I do wrong to cause the reaction I did not want"........

 

Little odd, very logical, and works in the majority of situations with humans and animals.

 

Don't get me wrong tho.... I ain't perfect.... and some people just irritate the hell out of me so I do put the proverbial fork right to their head. Kinda like swatting at gnats..... not worth going into full blown communication with a gnat is it?

 

Keep in mind to in my experience of dealing with animals and many people. In general many people will react in a similar manner. But they are indeed individuals. Example of this is: You mount a horse and kick it, that one starts to walk. You mount a different horse and kick it that one will run at a full gallop and buck from the same stimulus..... they both moved....but different reactions indeed.

 

Do these concepts mean anything to you or do you think they would be of value to you?

 

Now I really have to go mow the lawn and get to the feedstore as a form of communication through action for my own marriage to improve

 

hang in there

[LakesideDream]

PWSX2, I read the whole thread. Why are you being so hard on yourself and taking ALL the responsibility for your wife deciding she "needs space"?

 

I was in exactly the same situation five plus years ago, from the 25 years of marriage, right down to the "I need space" and an additional "I need to find out if I can be successful living by myself" (she had never done that).

 

I gave her the "space" she wanted. She stayed in the house for two months saving money for a "security apartment" so I couldn't stalk her (right). I even helped her move to her security apartment.

 

Ends up she wasn't worry about being "stalked", she was worried about being interuppted. I finished moving her Sunday, her married boyfriend moved in Monday.

 

Things are not always what they seem to be. You are not "All Bad" or "totally responsible" for your failing (failed?) marriage. It might be that a little "country hardball" would wake her up.. assuming she isn't sleeping with someone else already.

 

I suppose I am cynical and maybe bitter, but there is a reality in there somewhere. A short aside. A couple of years ago I went out with a gal a couple of times. On the third date she disclosed that she was "seperated" from her husband of 15+ years. I was not happy with the revelation as I assumed by her behavior and casual conversation that she was "single". When I asked her "what happened" gently, she told me... "Mostly I needed my space".

 

I waited a few minutes, left the dinner table, paid the check and walked to my car.. I was gone. I don't need "space" I need honesty and responsibility from which all else flows.

[PWSX3]

PWSX2, I read the whole thread. Why are you being so hard on yourself and taking ALL the responsibility for your wife deciding she "needs space"?

I believe it is my controlling habits that forced her to want to get a way. I look back on a lot of things I have done and they weren't nice.

Sure they are just little things but after 25 years they add up to a "BIG" thing for her and she has had enough.

No I don't take all the blame but I could have treated her a lot better, just like Recordproducer said she needed a husband that would be there when she needed someone & I don't feel like I was, she was scared of me because of what I would say.

[LakesideDream]

Record Producer has a point, especially from the female point of view. My experiance tells me that women keep a "book". Everything negetive go into that book, to be weighed and considered as time passes. Each fight, insult, misdeed. Men are different. When a problem is over (solved?) it's forgotten.

 

You had a 25 year marriage to work out the ground rules of your relationship. If she wasn't satisfied, she had copious oppertunities to bring things up, communicate and work on the problems.

 

At the present, you can't expect yourself to ge a "great listener" to others problems. Your responses to your friend were predictable and understandable, you are looking for support from the outside because you are dying inside. Don't be to hard on yourself.