CarryingOn123 Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 moreover, in a time like this his B'day would be the last thing on his thoughts. And if you try to make it feel like it is another normal B'day, it would feel fake. You should have hugged him, gave him a kiss, looked him in the eye and said "Happy B'day.. How would you like us to spend the day today". you should let him have control.. anyway that how i would have wanted it.
Author InaPanic Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 On his birthday I did let him pick how he wanted to spend it. All I wanted was for him to have a good one. I know he's not going to forget this & neither am I for a long time to come but I can also admit there is a part of me that just wishes things were like they were before. Before he knew. I still have many moments of regretting telling him. Especially while i am still so confused about my feelings. And when I say that I'm confused it's over US, my H & I, not the OM. I know that is over. But I am still having so many doubts about myself....about how I feel about our marriage & us.... worried that if i'm not truly happy that I may do this again. I know you all think I am awful but I am just trying to be honest about what I am feeling. And I know I should be focusing more on him but I feel so unsure of if we are going to make it that I don't want to mislead him into thinking that I'm feeling one way when i am not. Does this make sense? He seems obsessed about sex. It's only been about a week & a half to two weeks since we had sex but it's consuming him. I think men associate sex with love & if I"m not having sex with him then I don't love him, or that's what he thinks. Tonight I just want to have sex with him whether I want to or not. But I am really not wanting to & I have no idea why except the knowledge that when we do he's going to think about me being with OM & it could be hard for him & me. My H is honestly like my best friend to me. And I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I know I DO love him but i question the type of love right now. I wish I could have gotten my head straight before I told him.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 He seems obsessed about sex. It's only been about a week & a half to two weeks since we had sex but it's consuming him. I think men associate sex with love & if I"m not having sex with him then I don't love him, or that's what he thinks. Tonight I just want to have sex with him whether I want to or not. But I am really not wanting to & I have no idea why except the knowledge that when we do he's going to think about me being with OM & it could be hard for him & me. Well yeah! He's reclaiming his territory- marking you as his. I would think that alot of men do this. If you're going to have sex with him, don't give him pity sex- he'll see right through that. You'll need to be enthusiastic. I'm sure he's wondering why it was so easy for you to have sex with OM but you find it hard to be intimate with him.
norajane Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 My H is honestly like my best friend to me. And I cannot imagine not having him in my life. I know I DO love him but i question the type of love right now. I wish I could have gotten my head straight before I told him. Individual counseling, marriage counseling...have you made an appointment yet? You need some help getting your head straight. So does your H, but start going to counseling without him and maybe he'll join you eventually. There's nothing wrong with getting help to deal with this since you're just spinning in circles on your own. A psychiatrist can help you get off the Prozac, too, since that's contributing to your sexual problems, and maybe put you on something else if you really need it.
Author InaPanic Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 I'm sure he's wondering why it was so easy for you to have sex with OM but you find it hard to be intimate with him. The thing is, for the nearly 6 weeks after the A turned physical with OM I was having sex with my H. I have to admit it wasn't really good sex because I am basically feeling nothing much in the netherlands right now due to medicine & due to him not really trying extra hard for me. But I was having sex. Now that I know he knows about the A.....now is when i have become uninterested or nervous & dreading it. I think if we just did it a few times it would be better. Just getting over the initial time of doing it after knowledge. Not sure if anyone else has experienced this or not but I am suffering from it bad. Norajane, I am seriously avoiding making an apt. for myself. I have two excuses (& i do realize that is probably all they are & a way for me to procrastinate). One is we cannot afford a $200+ initial consultation & $125+ per 45/60 minutes for a session. This is what i've been quoted by therapists/psychologists so i cannot imagine how much a psychiatrist that can actually do prescriptions would cost. I have checked into counseling that is at more clinic type places & they base it on your income. But some of these are college students & I just have a problem with that. I kind of think I will get what i pay for & if i'm paying $25 an hour that's probably the help i'll be getting. Does anyone agree with this? My other problem is fear of what will be uncovered once i get into therapy. I'm afraid i will come to the conclusion that I wasn't truly happy before in my marriage, that i love my husband as a best friend & that is why i did what i did. I don't want to discover that but I do know that if that is true, it's better for him & I if I find it out sooner than later.
Rooster_DAR Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 When someone has commited adultery (at least from a guys's perspective) and the partner finds out, they are usually turned on more with sex for a couple of reasons. One, yes they are reclaiming their territory, two they have some sort of turnon knowing they've been had by another guy. I know when my wife cheated on me, after I was recovering I was having very strange sexual fantasies I could not explain, but boy howdy did it turn me on.
Author InaPanic Posted September 6, 2006 Author Posted September 6, 2006 Also, due to his persistance, starting today I skipped a prozac pill. He wants me to start weening myself off of them by taking one every other day until i can go off of them. I hope I do not do more harm than good by doing this but he is really relentless about it. I believe he thinks ALL the sexual problems stem from the meds. I have fear without the meds to take the edge off that I will go back to being a basket case & obsessing about OM again. I hope to heavens not because even though things are not wonderful now, they are not the living hell they were just a few weeks ago.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 So you cut back abit so you two CAN do marriage counselling and so you CAN do one on one therapy. Save money by using coupons when grocery shopping. Don't spend $$ unless you have to. If you smoke, cut down or quit. Instead of going out for lunch daily at work, make your lunch and bring it in with you. You'd be surprised HOW much money you can save by doing that...And that $$ saved can directly be for MC.
whichwayisup Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Also, due to his persistance, starting today I skipped a prozac pill. He wants me to start weening myself off of them by taking one every other day until i can go off of them. I hope I do not do more harm than good by doing this but he is really relentless about it. I believe he thinks ALL the sexual problems stem from the meds. DO THIS UNDER A DR'S care and supervision! Don;t just go off the meds bit by bit, please. Make an appointment, talk to your Dr about the 'right' way of weening yourself off the meds. I understand your hubby wanting you to go off of them, but do it under your Dr's help.
Sup Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Well yeah! He's reclaiming his territory- marking you as his. I would think that alot of men do this. If you're going to have sex with him, don't give him pity sex- he'll see right through that. You'll need to be enthusiastic. I'm sure he's wondering why it was so easy for you to have sex with OM but you find it hard to be intimate with him. Prehaps she did it just for the thill of it, so far what SHE has told us, there is NOTHING wrong with her husband, and to me she's still only looking at HER feelings. She may have to just let him go, and be someone else's husband, I'm sure he has thought of, or is thinking this. Not to mention he's probably beating himself up right now wonder what did I do wrong? So far to me, NOTHING!
Sup Posted September 6, 2006 Posted September 6, 2006 Your worried about money now? I'm sure lot of people would say it, you should have thought of that before sleeping with OM, I know it's harsh, but hey YOU caused this, the money part is gonna hurt your whole family. I think REALITY is starting to sink in.
Author InaPanic Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Your worried about money now? I'm sure lot of people would say it, you should have thought of that before sleeping with OM, I know it's harsh, but hey YOU caused this, the money part is gonna hurt your whole family. I think REALITY is starting to sink in. Reality has been sinking in for awhile. I made a mistake & i know i did. Yes, I do agree it seems i am still thinking about myself a lot. But that's because I am also going thru a lot. My husband & I went for a walk together tonight & we talked quite a bit & cried during the walk & I admitted to him that i have never felt so self-absorbed or self-centered as i did during & after the A. I have just tried to be honest with him about what i am going thru as well. And we both felt that for so many years I lived my life thru & devoted to my children & my family. Once it seems I started doing something for ME (even tho yes it was something wrong) that I got totally caught up on it & to a point still am. This is also the rest of my life i am talking about & I think I do need to think about me some too. Even though it may not seem like it from my posts I do think about my husband & my kids too. But when i come here I am mainly trying to vent & get advice on my situation with my A at first, then my H & also about me. I may have done it simply for 'the thrill' & i have always admitted that i can think of nothing my husband did that was wrong. He is a great, wonderful man, husband & father. But perhaps I am not the same person i was when we moved in together when i was 19 years old. Maybe that is what happened. I don't know but I feel like I have changed so much in the past few months, that I am a totally different person or that I am just seeing who I am. We actually don't live very high on the hog so to speak. We are self employed & business hasn't been so great lately. We do take, normally, two vacations a year. It is our big splurge. We had planned on skipping the one coming up in the fall but lately H has suggested we do it. I think in a way it would be good for the family but, as I mentioned tonight, we could use that money for therapy money too. He did mention us going to a MC tonight during our walk. That was a first. I knew he'd come around to that idea though, he is a great guy.
JamesM Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 But I am still having so many doubts about myself....about how I feel about our marriage & us.... worried that if i'm not truly happy that I may do this again. I know you all think I am awful but I am just trying to be honest about what I am feeling. No, I think most do not think you are awful for being honest. Not being honest is what got you in trouble. Wondering when or if you will have an affair would be natural. The first time is the hardest. After that, it becomes easier to do and more "familiar." I have to admit it wasn't really good sex because I am basically feeling nothing much in the netherlands right now Hey, you are using my Fatherland in vain! My ancestors are rolling in their dutch graves. My husband & I went for a walk together tonight & we talked quite a bit & cried during the walk & I admitted to him that i have never felt so self-absorbed or self-centered as i did during & after the A. I have just tried to be honest with him about what i am going thru as well. Communication is the key. IMHO, MC would not be needed IF you can keep the lines open. Unfortunately, this is very difficult. Many times a third objective party is the only way to keep communication constructive. He is a great, wonderful man, husband & father. If we could all realize the qualities of our spouses BEFORE we stray, there would be a lot less pain and divorces for couples. Unfortunately, we take each other for granted and lose the spark. Yes, I am speaking to myself as well. Good luck. It sounds very positive to me.
Mz. Pixie Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 The thing is, for the nearly 6 weeks after the A turned physical with OM I was having sex with my H. I have to admit it wasn't really good sex because I am basically feeling nothing much in the netherlands right now due to medicine & due to him not really trying extra hard for me. But I was having sex. . That's because when the affair is on going you're more turned on thinking about the other person. It rushes that excitement through your blood and makes you want to have sex. It's not a rush to have sex with your H but because you're horny. Basic biology.
Adora Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 But perhaps I am not the same person i was when we moved in together when i was 19 years old. Maybe that is what happened. I don't know but I feel like I have changed so much in the past few months, that I am a totally different person or that I am just seeing who I am. Digging deeper into your post, trying to figure out what happened to make things change for your marriage - I had a thought: You said that you have just recently lost 80lbs, that you were heavily overweight before.. did you lose this weight prior to meeting the OM? Or was this during? Have you always been overweight, from day one with your H, or did you gain the weight during your marriage/after your kids? I know some people go through a lot of emotional problems when something as drastic as weightloss happens. Prime example - My Uncle and his ex-wife. I remember as a child they were happy as ever. They were both overweight but very much in-love and happy. They were married for 14 years or so then my Aunt lost around 90-100 lbs and looked like an entirely different woman. She felt more confident in herself - she felt more beautiful but she also cheated.. which in the end ended the marriage between her and my Uncle. It was a huge shock to our entire family because they were so happy, had a beautiful daughter together but she lost self-control. Do you think this could be possibly something that may have subconsciously caused you to cheat? I can't assume anymore then that question because as I said I do not know how long you were overweight or what caused it. Hopefully tho this might bring some light/possibility as to why - since it has been concluded throughout this thread that your husband wasn't the cause.
norajane Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 But perhaps I am not the same person i was when we moved in together when i was 19 years old. Maybe that is what happened. I don't know but I feel like I have changed so much in the past few months, that I am a totally different person or that I am just seeing who I am. Sounds like maybe it's mid-life crisis, where you look around your life and have everything but you feel like you missed out on doing "something" and feel trapped. It happens to women too, though the stereotype is the middle-aged man who suddenly buys a sports car that's too small for him to fit into and has an affair with a girl far too young... This is why I was suggesting that you start talking to your husband about your hopes and dreams for yourself and your marriage. If you need your life to be more exciting and do different things, you can do them together rather than abandoning him and your daughters to an affair.
Author InaPanic Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 That's because when the affair is on going you're more turned on thinking about the other person. It rushes that excitement through your blood and makes you want to have sex. It's not a rush to have sex with your H but because you're horny. Basic biology. Our sex life during the 'courting' part of the A, when we were talking online & on the phone constantly & things could get heated, well that was probably the best my sex life with my H has ever been. I was in denial for a long time that it had anything to do with OM because not until further into it did i actually think of him during sex but looking back i have no doubt that had something to do with my desire. But when i said for 6 weeks before his knowledge that I was still able to have sex it was not because of OM at all. At that point our relationship had fizzled, it had none of the sparks or excitement it had before. And i wasn't having sex then because i was horny or wanted to have sex, i was going it to try to get close to my H again, to try to put the memory of sex with OM far in the back of my head.
Author InaPanic Posted September 7, 2006 Author Posted September 7, 2006 Digging deeper into your post, trying to figure out what happened to make things change for your marriage - I had a thought: You said that you have just recently lost 80lbs, that you were heavily overweight before.. did you lose this weight prior to meeting the OM? Or was this during? Have you always been overweight, from day one with your H, or did you gain the weight during your marriage/after your kids? I know some people go through a lot of emotional problems when something as drastic as weightloss happens. Prime example - My Uncle and his ex-wife. I remember as a child they were happy as ever. They were both overweight but very much in-love and happy. They were married for 14 years or so then my Aunt lost around 90-100 lbs and looked like an entirely different woman. She felt more confident in herself - she felt more beautiful but she also cheated.. which in the end ended the marriage between her and my Uncle. It was a huge shock to our entire family because they were so happy, had a beautiful daughter together but she lost self-control. Do you think this could be possibly something that may have subconsciously caused you to cheat? I can't assume anymore then that question because as I said I do not know how long you were overweight or what caused it. Hopefully tho this might bring some light/possibility as to why - since it has been concluded throughout this thread that your husband wasn't the cause. I think you are so close to what has really happened. I have thought abou this over & over but can't come to any conclusion as to why. But I was smaller than i am now when I got married but over the years started putting on weight. At the beginning of this diet i was bigger than i had ever been & been at or close to that weight for probably 8 years. I had done well on my diet for the first 3 months of the year, then went back to my old habits. Prior to meeting OM I had just begun dieting again. I don't want to admit this but i honestly have no doubt he spurred a great deal of my interest in losing weight. I guess i had in the back of my mind i might be meeting this guy & wanted to lose weight to look good. I think it has a lot to do with why it happened. If i had still weighed as much as i did at the beginning of the year I never would have even thought about meeting someone. I think i was addicted to food & I gave up one addiction just as another new one was coming into my life. I feel like i gave up food for OM; i just replaced one obsession with another. I do wonder, & I don't like this thought, but if i'd lost weight 5 year ago would i have had an affair then? I am also back to bad eating habits during the last 2 weeks. I'm afraid i am going to gain all the weight back because i'm in such a funk & because i don't have that motivation that i think is what inspired me to exercise & lose. Just being honest.
Sup Posted September 7, 2006 Posted September 7, 2006 Our sex life during the 'courting' part of the A, when we were talking online & on the phone constantly & things could get heated, well that was probably the best my sex life with my H has ever been. I was in denial for a long time that it had anything to do with OM because not until further into it did i actually think of him during sex but looking back i have no doubt that had something to do with my desire. But when i said for 6 weeks before his knowledge that I was still able to have sex it was not because of OM at all. At that point our relationship had fizzled, it had none of the sparks or excitement it had before. And i wasn't having sex then because i was horny or wanted to have sex, i was going it to try to get close to my H again, to try to put the memory of sex with OM far in the back of my head. Put the memory of sex with OM far back in your head? No offense, But the sex with OM musta really been that good for you to try to do that.
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 Just leave the man. You're driving him and yourself crazy. You don't really want to be with him. Just go. I don't understand why you're torturing him.
Author InaPanic Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Put the memory of sex with OM far back in your head? No offense, But the sex with OM musta really been that good for you to try to do that. I never said it was that good. Bad sex can be memorable as well as good sex. Affair sex, when you hate yourself for doing it & are feeling extremely guilty, is extremely memorable. I was trying to get it in the back of my mind since it had been recent & of course was in the front, so to speak. That has nothing to do with whether it was good, bad or ugly. Also at this time i was obsessing over OM & in withdrawal so the memory of it at that point was of it being much better than it actually was. But because i was missing him & in withdrawal i thought about it more than i should.
RecoverMe Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 you totally have to tell him. and begin to be honest with yourself. do you love your husband? if he were doing this and you were in his shoes, would you think ignorance is bliss? believe me if he is already suspicious, then you are digging your own grave as I type by not telling him. yeah, it'sgoing to open the floodgates, but continuing on in this state of denial to reality (your are married and have kids) is only going to confuse you more in the end. My husband fessed up to his affair and it's been rocky but I appreciate his attempts to being honest and our relationship has been somewhat "reborn". But I'm sure he had similar feelings to yours prior to discovery.
Author InaPanic Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 you totally have to tell him. and begin to be honest with yourself. do you love your husband? if he were doing this and you were in his shoes, would you think ignorance is bliss? believe me if he is already suspicious, then you are digging your own grave as I type by not telling him. yeah, it'sgoing to open the floodgates, but continuing on in this state of denial to reality (your are married and have kids) is only going to confuse you more in the end. My husband fessed up to his affair and it's been rocky but I appreciate his attempts to being honest and our relationship has been somewhat "reborn". But I'm sure he had similar feelings to yours prior to discovery. owh, i have told my husband, it's been about 2 weeks now. We are trying to repair the damage but it's not easy. I'm not sure how it will work out but by telling him it helped my state of mind but hurt his. I'm still not 100% positive it was the right move & not a selfish move on my part just like the affair was to begin with.
Sup Posted September 8, 2006 Posted September 8, 2006 owh, i have told my husband, it's been about 2 weeks now. We are trying to repair the damage but it's not easy. I'm not sure how it will work out but by telling him it helped my state of mind but hurt his. I'm still not 100% positive it was the right move & not a selfish move on my part just like the affair was to begin with. Some people here say to let hubby go, or for you to leave him, has that come up in your conversations, or are those some of his thoughts? Or yours?
Author InaPanic Posted September 8, 2006 Author Posted September 8, 2006 Some people here say to let hubby go, or for you to leave him, has that come up in your conversations, or are those some of his thoughts? Or yours? We have absolutely discussed the possibility of this ending in divorce. Both he & i have been very up front & honest about that. But I keep trying to point out that neither of us need to make a decision in haste. We have 18 years invested, yes, i ****ed up but I still think 18 years & two kids require a little more than 2 weeks thought put into it. I realize it may not work out, he may never be able to trust me again or forget what i have done. I may find i have a completely different kind of love for him than i thought i did. I just don't know. And i don't think he knows yet. We had a pretty good day yesterday, last night & this morning. Then he calls me at about 10am crying & in the same way he was the day i told him. He asked me a lot more intimate questions regarding me, the OM & sex. I answered but explained that if i delayed or hesitated it was only because i knew the answers would be painful but if he really wanted to know or if he thought it would help him that i would answer. He was very upset. After we hung up I was very upset & back to being doubtful about us. It seems since he bought this book, Surviving Infidelity, it has made him sadder & angrier. Is this normal? Is this good? Or should he put the book away? Not that I would tell him to do that.
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