Arguments/immaturity, this is killing me

[Orange1082]

My girl and I have not been getting along lately. We have been going out for 1 yr and 4 months. I am 19 and she is 18. We have had a lot of problems due to her immaturity I believe. I feel sometimes that she has never really matured and is still acting sometimes like she is 14. When we have problems, she just wants to get off the phone and will bad mouth me until i give in. Some of the things she does is so obvious that it is her prolonging the bad situation and she just makes it worse by acting more childish and throwing "fits" until I get SO frustrated and wish I was dead at the moment so I wouldnt have to put up with it. I just CAN'T understand why she just cant work with me to not argue so much and to get them over with if we do. Its almost like she likes to keep the arguments going.

 

I honestly believe that about 90% of arguments are due to her behavior and how she acts so clueless sometimes. I am not the only one that notices this, and my friends (and also hers) say I dont deserve being treated like this. The problem though is that I LOVE her and we can have some very nice times together. I am also a person that has a hard time with change, so sometimes I think that is it.

 

I would appreciate everyones opinion, no matter how harsh. I get real depressed, and its just so terrible I think how she acts like this, but I love her and want everything to work out.

[Tony T]

How can you love somebody who loves to argue very often, loves to drag out those arguments and makes you feel like you'd rather be dead that put up with it (your own words)???

 

She isn't the one with the problem...you are. Get some counselling to see why you are in love with someone like this...or why you think you are in love. When we love someone, we love them for their behavior and the way they make us feel. It is impossible for you to love this lady under these circumstances.

 

Get some help as soon as you are able.

[sparkle]

I agree with what Tony wrote. Why are you still with her??

 

Go back and read all the things you wrote:

 

"We have had a lot of problems due to her immaturity"

 

"she has never really matured and is still acting sometimes like she is 14"

 

"she just makes it worse by acting more childish and throwing 'fits'"

 

"she likes to keep the arguments going"

 

"90% of arguments are due to her behavior and how she acts so clueless sometimes"

 

"my friends (and also hers) say I dont deserve being treated like this"

 

Now I ask you again, WHY are you still with her???? Just because you think you love her and just because you two have some nice times together is not reason enough. Any person you date, no matter how horrible of a partner they may make, will probably offer SOME enjoyable moments together...IT DOESN'T MATTER.

 

The fact that her behavior is driving you crazy and that you're taking the time to ask for advice should tell you how big of a problem this is. And the best way to get rid of this problem is to get rid of her also.

 

You two have been together for a little over a year...she was most likely your first long-term girlfriend...and you find yourself attached to her and not able to let go. But trust me, the second you find a new (and more mature) girlfriend, you will realize what a bad decision it would've been to drag on this relationship any longer.

[Miss Mojo]

hi orange,

 

this girl is your first love. this relationship is going to be full of many 'firsts'. you will have to face things that you have never had to face before. you will have feelings that you have never felt before. of course you feel very emotionally attached to her. but do you think it's fair to say that you love who you thought she was or what you want her to be?

 

perhaps you need to take some time in a safe space to explore your emotions and preferences, your dreams for the future, and get in touch with what is really going on inside you. then at least you won't be experiencing her bad moods as states that come upon you without any warning or explanation.

 

i also wonder if sometimes you are condescending or put her down. you say she acts so 'clueless'&i sure hope you don't say things like that to her face in the midst of an argument. it is all too easy to target someone's sore spots when you are angry, but you can very rarely take back what is said because it's already out there and it's already hurt someone's feelings. if you do happen to get spiteful when you are arguing, then it will only add fuel to the fire. it simply becomes a war of words, usually insults.

 

it's normal to have just enough fighting to keep things interesting but not to the point of losing respect for each other.

 

look at all the things you have written in your post...

 

"will bad mouth me until i give in", "she just makes it worse by acting more childish andhrowing 'fits'", "she acts so clueless sometimes", "my friends (and also hers) say i dont deserve being treated like this"...listen to yourself, especially that last comment. when your friends and her friends tell you that you don't deserve this, that is one huge red flag boy! do her friends say she has always been irrational, argumentative and immature? if so, then you don't have much of a future with her. or has she only recently started acting like this?

 

i know you love her, but it has become her problem that she is dumping on you. why do you think she is prolonging these fights? i don't want to put words in your mouth, but i have an ex who used to pick fights with me over the most trivial things. he wouldn't be rational when i tried to talk things over and i would go insane trying to resolve things. it was actually his way of pushing me away. he wanted to push me away because he didn't have the guts to tell me he wanted out. i'm not saying this is the case, because there's every chance it runs deeper than that. but right now, you cannot help her because she won't let you.

 

take a little time to think about why you're with this girl...and why she's arguing with you when you make a legitimate complaint. sometimes you get what you want by asking for it like you mean it. let her know that you won't stay in a situation that doesn't make your heart sing.

 

take a hard look at what you will put up with. for you will surely get exactly that.

 

good luck

[yes]

You don't love her. You're simply very very attached to her - hey, she' one of your first girls, if not the very first one. She's treating you badly. She's young. you KNOW u two are gonna break up at some point...

 

ask yourself: does the fun u have with her outweigh the trouble? if so, stay. if not, run!

 

There's plenty other people to date out there. You're so young, go have fun! Young girls aren't ready for long serious relationships... They're also afraid of breaking up... As a middle ground, they have a bad relsnhip full of fights (been there, done that!). So - my advice would be to stop seeing her. Be nice when u break up, but be firm and dont take her bakc - she's promise to change, etc - but she won't, she'll be simply hurt by breaking the ties with u. Keep in mind, she aint in love either... you dont fight 24-7 with the one you love. I've been in a situation similar to yours - it was very hard (emotionally) to get out, but once i did, boy did i wish i'd gotten out earlier!! Just go break up with her. Take your time to heal..., then date others! You're YOUNG - there're TONS of girls ahead for u!

 

Best of luck.

My girl and I have not been getting along lately. We have been going out for 1 yr and 4 months. I am 19 and she is 18. We have had a lot of problems due to her immaturity I believe. I feel sometimes that she has never really matured and is still acting sometimes like she is 14. When we have problems, she just wants to get off the phone and will bad mouth me until i give in. Some of the things she does is so obvious that it is her prolonging the bad situation and she just makes it worse by acting more childish and throwing "fits" until I get SO frustrated and wish I was dead at the moment so I wouldnt have to put up with it. I just CAN'T understand why she just cant work with me to not argue so much and to get them over with if we do. Its almost like she likes to keep the arguments going. I honestly believe that about 90% of arguments are due to her behavior and how she acts so clueless sometimes. I am not the only one that notices this, and my friends (and also hers) say I dont deserve being treated like this. The problem though is that I LOVE her and we can have some very nice times together. I am also a person that has a hard time with change, so sometimes I think that is it. I would appreciate everyones opinion, no matter how harsh. I get real depressed, and its just so terrible I think how she acts like this, but I love her and want everything to work out.

[Orange1082]

In reply to your post "It hurts so much", I have went throught those feelings around the same time as you and still do to this day sometimes. Me and my girl have been together for 1 yr and 4 1/2 months. We have gone through 5 or so breakups, but we manage to work things out. I have learned that our relationship is also a life lesson to me. We have had all of our first together. I was 18 and she was 16 when we started going out, Now am 19 and she is almost 18. If you really love each other then you just cant give up is all I know and must have a mindset to learn from everything. I use to doubt my love for her and then after about our 5th breakup! we learned how rediculous we were acting and changed our relationship to learn from everything. We are still changing into really different people than we use to be (maturing) for the best and are doing it together. Maybe you all might need some time apart to see how you would feel without each other. Good luck in love man.

 

To ALL who responded to my last post about my doubts: We talked it out and she felt the same way basically and are getting along now Thanks to all who responded, it truly means a lot.