OmG what have I done? psycho me

[Ariadne]

AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

 

My date last night was incredible. He could not have been more loving from the minute I saw him. I felt something - something stronger than I have ever felt with him. And in the wee hours of the morning, we laid in bed holding one another

 

Well, at least that. That sounded like you were in Heaven.

 

I mentioned something about the weekend as we were driving this morning. He told me that the FWB will be coming to visit this weekend

 

Oh noooooo!!!!!!

 

My face fell, I told him I couldn't believe it - that I had no idea she was still in his life.

 

No kidding...

 

And suddenly he is saying that he never told me she wasn't and wanted to know if this was going to cause an issue between us?

 

OMG... Where do we find this people Mollyanna!? Is like we have some emotional unavailable magnet and that's all we get.

 

(I think our fathers messed us up real good).

 

He said that he and I weren't really supposed to be together anyway, that we sort of just fell into this.

 

Great, and now he is telling you to be happy even that you are talking to him... Gosh!

 

What the hell happened to the sweet sweet guy from last night???

 

What the hell happened?!

 

But hell, he has one ex girlfriend staying at his house, he is sleeping with me, and now he has this FWB coming for the weekend?

 

Oh, you forgot to mention the "friend," too.

 

I wrote him a text message when I got home. "Forget it. I have no reason to be angry or upset. U never made me any promises. I just need 2 let go of the emotional connection. Thx for last night".

 

And you are so nice!!!!!!!!!! You are beyond nice.

 

What on earth does he want?! And you are beautiful, smart, and adore him too. I don't get it, just don't get it...

 

He wrote: "Thank you. It's not a competition. Those who wish 2 spend time in my life without adding stress and pressure to the load are welcome to!! I always enjoy the time we spend 2gether!!"

 

What about "your" stress and pressure?!!?!??!

 

You are all alone there and you have to deal with the teaching, and the bloody business trips, and writing programs, and training people.

 

How are you going to do that with that kind of crap??? OOOMMMGGG

 

I just feel like I need to make a choice with him. I can be friends with him or I can have sex with him, but not both. So fine if he wants to have sex with me, I will use him for that too.

 

I guess that's all you have left. And "if" he feels like it of course, since he has all those other options that don't give him a hard time... and God forbid Mollyanna gets attached or wants more...

 

Jesus Mollyanna, I'm so sorry.

 

But at least good thing that ex gf is there staying in his house. I'm sure the fwb girl is not very thrilled about that...

 

I told our friend what happened and she said that is it - she is going to spit in his face tonight for what he did to me.

 

And then, you are only left with talking to this girl that, like D, "acts" all nice. I think she wants him too.

 

she said she is cutting him out of her life -

 

Didn't she say that before?

 

Well, hugs, don't know what else to tell you...

 

Oh, I know, go to the ocean, they say that that cleanses the bad waves and purifies the energies. Maybe it works. At least I feel better after taking a walk on the Ocean shore (?)

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

It's my Birthday!!!

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

It's my Birthday!!!

 

Ariadne

Happy Birthday sweetie!!!! Go have some fun! For just today, don't think about the future and what you are going to do with your life. Just live in the moment. Go see some friends who make you happy and who are uncomplicated.

[crazy_grl]

He wrote: "Thank you. It's not a competition. Those who wish 2 spend time in my life without adding stress and pressure to the load are welcome to!! I always enjoy the time we spend 2gether!!"

 

Translation: You're only welcome in his life as long as you don't have any needs of your own and are just around to make him feel better.

 

What an *ss. He may care about you, but it's very clear that he cares a lot more about himself.

 

I just feel like I need to make a choice with him. I can be friends with him or I can have sex with him, but not both. So fine if he wants to have sex with me, I will use him for that too.

 

Don't try that. If you love him, it's going to make it incredibly hard for you to just have sex with him. There's not many things worse than having sex with someone your love who doesn't return the feelings.

 

Just be done with him and his whole drama so you can start to move on.

[Ariadne]

Morning,

 

Well, oddly enough, one of the things I did was start playing the piano. And I started trying (key word is trying) to write songs, and worked on my singing.

 

And I'm already thinking of dropping that piano class But we'll see.

 

I also read some self-improvement books, which until not too long ago, I thought were for losers.

 

Well, I have a bunch of those here.

 

Among them: "Obsessive Love," "Addiction to Love," "Women Who Love Too Much," "Letting Go," and of course "He's Just Not That Into You" (short and long versions), "Letting Go," and "Don't Call That Man"

 

I've read them all but.....

 

Since I'm not close to my family and they're not emotionally open or supportive

 

Oh, I can relate to that...

 

With my father I barely talk or not at all, and everything I say is stupid.

 

My mother, on the other hand, is very loving and supportive. But she totally doesn't get me, so I feel like I can't talk to her.

 

When I told her that Denver guy got together with the ex gf she said:

 

"Good! That chapter is closed... Now you are "finally" going to move on"

 

I'm like... Is she kidding!?!?!! Well... she wasn't.

 

When I told her that the fwb is dating someone else (basically that my "every" night of good chats, beer, Jamaican smoke, sex, and support are gone) she said in an email:

 

"Don't make such a drama about that Jewish guy, good thing that you were not that into him. As I was telling you, the Sweet 15 birthday of Soledad was fantastic..."

 

Is like I don't want to read her email anymore...

 

I concentrated a lot on appreciating the friendships that I have, developing them and strenghening my support system so guys I date won't feel like I rely on them too much.

 

Well, when I go visit my friends (which I seldom do) I feel like I am in a bad date.

 

Is like... ermm... So! What up with your life? Oh, well, nothing much. Oh, okkk...

 

I also went to a therapist, but she told me that I should start dating someone. She didn't understand what I was trying to do in finding myself before I tried to be with someone else...

 

Well, I'm dealing with this therapist now because she is going along with what I'm saying. Like, "I understand what you are going though" etc. But the moment she starts contradicting me I'm going to ditch her.

 

I just want her to help me get a job because I "so" don't want to get a job that I need therapy for that.

 

I didn't agree with her and didn't think she was very bright.

 

Yeah, I only deal with people that agree with me too

 

I can completely relate when you talk about not feeling motivated when you don't have a man.

 

Yep.

 

I was most productive when I was with my ex for 1.5 years.

 

True that. I guess most people are like that. When they have a supportive happy relationship is easier to be more productive.

 

for the most part, my motivation nows comes from within. I wish I could tell you how to do that, but I'm not sure.

 

Oh, I wish I knew how to do that too... I am very, very motivated when I want something. But when I don't have a guy is like I don't want anything else. My priorities are all messed up.

 

I think for me, a big part was the realization that having someone else as my motivation gives that person way too much power over me.

 

Hmm... that's interesting. But guys for me are more like drinking water

 

Anyway, I hope that helps somehow.

 

Oh, well, nice talking to you, thank you, lol

 

Ariadne

[crazy_grl]

It's my Birthday!!!

 

Ariadne

 

Happy birthday!

[Ariadne]

Thank you

[Ariadne]

Happy Birthday sweetie!!!! Go have some fun!

 

Awww.... Thank you!

 

(I'm already freaking out that is 10am here and the fwb didn't call, and he is probably not going to, which will be very messed up and make me lose faith in humanity, since I reminded him yesterday of the bd in the email)

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Happy Birthday sweetie!!!! Go have some fun!

 

Awww.... Thank you!

 

(I'm already freaking out that is 10am here and the fwb didn't call, and he is probably not going to, which will be very messed up and make me lose faith in humanity, since I reminded him yesterday of the bd in the email)

 

Ariadne

 

Forget about him. I told you he's just using you. Have a great birthday without him!

 

HAPPY B-DAY, Ariadne!

[Ariadne]

Ok,

 

The fwb called to say Happy Birthday.

 

And he sounded all happy and cheerful like he couldn't care less about not seeing me or anything.

 

So he said in response to my email, "you are not fat and ugly"... you are a wonderful person yadda yadda.

 

Me: But you got bored of me.

 

He: Well, is not that I got bored...

 

Me: Yes, it is. Don't deny it.

 

He: Can I be straight?

 

Me: Sure.

 

He: Is like every time I saw you you were all depressed, and the Colorado guy, and this and that, and you are not "doing anything with yourself" ok, you go to the gym and the park, but, "get a life!"

 

Me: So I was too depressing...

 

He: But, what do you think?!

 

Me: But I was always happy when I went to see you and you seemed to have a good time...

 

He: I did, but booty, that's all we had.

 

----------

 

Sigh... so I was "depressing"

 

(I guess I am, I'm stuck, I need to have a happy relationship to be happy and "get a life" and when I was finally "getting a life" because I was sort of happy with what we had, he dumps me because I don't have a life, so I'm stuck with not having a life now)

 

And then he told me, what are you doing tonight? Nothing I said, I suck and I don't have a life.

 

So he sort of mocked me and said, ok, you are going out with me tonight. I want to take you out. Ok, baby?

 

I said ok, and to bring me some Jamaican smoke for my bd too.

 

He said he'll call me later...

 

Pheww... but at least he called! At least that! I was going to be so upset if he didn't. I'm tired of people leaving my life and never hearing from them again...

 

Also, the ex husb 2 called and was very nice and invited me to go eat something, but I told him I didn't feel hungry. I always tell him that he is the only reminder I have that this world can be a nice place.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

I think I should just die.

 

The things that consist of "getting a life" don't interest me...

 

And then guys don't like me because I don't have a life.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

HAPPY B-DAY, Ariadne!

 

Thank you! {{{{Touche}}}}

 

Forget about him. I told you he's just using you. Have a great birthday without him!

 

Well, at least he called and said he was going to take me to dinner. I guess I'll get to talk to him and get some more answers.

 

I don't mind talking to people. I'm cool.

 

Ariadne

[Touche]

Don't get depressed again. Try to just enjoy your day, ok? Things WILL get better. Just have fun today and don't think so much!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Don't get depressed again. Try to just enjoy your day, ok? Things WILL get better. Just have fun today and don't think so much!

 

Thank you Touche.

 

I'm thinking of going to the ocean like I told Mollyanna.

 

I like to do different things on my birthdays like going to a museum or things like that, so that I remember.

 

Ariadne

[Ariadne]

I don't even care about clothes!

 

My style is thrift store modern...

 

 

Ariadne

[Mollyanna]

I am depressed again too. Just got off the phone with D. He says I read into everything wrong, that we were nothing more than just FWB and he thought I was mature enough to handle just a casual sexual relationship but he was wrong. He said all the sexy messages I sent to him this week, that was me trying to get him to have sex with me, so he is not to blame. He said he would have been perfectly fine just hanging out and not having sex - that I was the one pushing for it.

 

I asked him why he said last night that it was all working out for us this time, that it felt good. He said because I was being OK with not having a relationship and just enjoying the time together and not getting emotionally involved. Yeah he was wrong about that. I guess I was wrong about my interpretation of his words. We were both wrong. We are wrong together. I am wrong to love him, and now I am wrong to hurt over it. Another crying-all-day crying spell. Now I feel like **** about myself. All i had become was a whore. I am nothing better than a whore. If i would have just accepted that, I could be with him and be happy, right?

[lulu2go]

HI there, read your post and hey we all do silly things from time to time. Honestly girl that is funny, something you don't want to do again huh but funny nonetheless. If your feeling bad because deep down you know your intentions, thats ok too don't be so hard on yourself =) We'll all have some silly stories to tell of what we did when we got drunk. I don't drink much, but one night I did and my friends and I still laugh about it now.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff honey, learn to laugh at yourself. But the drinking and driving and walking around at night alone is so not cool, its downright dangerous. Sort that one out and you'll be fine =)

[lulu2go]

Oops sorry, i see now that I've obviously missed reading the bulk of this thread =) See now the story has changed completely. Hey if FWB is not what your into, then you have to leave him alone now. He won't magically change his mind about that.

 

There is nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with the way your feeling right now. Actually congrats its totally expected of you!! Don't start going down that road of "if you'd accepted it you'd be with him and happy"!! (FWB's thing) Don't let yourself talk that way, you already now that doesn't make sense at all... Just accept its over (I know much much easier said than done, especially when its not what you want) he didn't respect you the way you want and deserve and MOVE FORWARD. I know you won't feel like it prob for a while, but you just have to fake it till you make it. Make yourself get out and do things, keep busy. You probably will find you don't enjoy doing the things you normally would enjoy, but thats ok too just keep at it. Kick all the negative thoughts out of your head as soon as you think them, get doing something to distract yourself. KEEP POSITIVE, it just takes time is all. The best of us have been through break-ups and its not easy, but it can be character building if you learn from it. All the best =)

[Mollyanna]

Why am I spiraling down so fast today? I am not going to make it through the weekend. I'm a mess. I want to die. I do. I don't know why I am here anymore. I can't deal with anymore of this pain. I'm too chicken to do anything to myself, but I just feel like crawling in bed and letting myself just wither away.

 

-------------------------------------------

right after I wrote the above, he answered my last text message. I said to him:

"and yes now I am freaking out because basically if I just lower myself 2 being a whore and have sex with another person too, then I wouldn't be hurt. I could be happy with u then because we would be even. So becoming a whore is the solution that lets us be together. If I try to b a good girl, I get hurt, but if I whore around, everyone is happy!"

 

And he just wrote back:

"WHY DON'T U JUST LOSE MY ****ING NUMBER ! ! ! PROBLEM SOLVED ! I'M THE *******! SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS ! !"

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

He says I read into everything wrong, that we were nothing more than just FWB and he thought I was mature enough to handle just a casual sexual relationship but he was wrong.

 

Gosh... How can he say that after knowing how much you love him? That's like almost being cruel. You can't help yourself about that.

 

He said all the sexy messages I sent to him this week, that was me trying to get him to have sex with me, so he is not to blame. He said he would have been perfectly fine just hanging out and not having sex - that I was the one pushing for it.

 

Well, after the night that other day, of course you wanted more sex. He is very good at "staying out of it," isn't he?

 

I asked him why he said last night that it was all working out for us this time, that it felt good. He said because I was being OK with not having a relationship and just enjoying the time together and not getting emotionally involved.

 

Yeah, it's working out because you are having it his way and his way only, and as long as your feelings don't matter or get in the way or anything then he is ok.

 

We are wrong together.

 

Yeah, you are wrong together. But what happened to the loving guy that took you out of the hole you were in some seven months ago? The one that wanted to spend every moment with you, day and night? The one that told you that was never going to leave you? The one that said he was going to prove to the world it was not a break?

 

Oh, nooow you are wong together, after you got really attached and believed in his words. He has nothing to do with anything now.

 

I am wrong to love him, and now I am wrong to hurt over it.

 

Doesn't it suck when they make you feel that is "wrong" to love them? Is like, what are you going to do? You just do.

 

Another crying-all-day crying spell. Now I feel like **** about myself.

 

Oh gosh... well, that guy is a pain in the a. Is not your fault. Is just that we find the most unavailable men to fall in love with. But they sure seem like Princes "at first" and then... Bam!

 

All i had become was a whore. I am nothing better than a whore. If i would have just accepted that, I could be with him and be happy, right?

 

Well, I'm not even wanted "as" a whore, so you are doing better than me in that at least...

 

I'm a mess. I want to die. I do. I don't know why I am here anymore. I can't deal with anymore of this pain.

 

Take a sleeping pill? Tranquilizer?

 

but I just feel like crawling in bed and letting myself just wither away.

 

I guess a crawling in bed and crying day it is today. Baby-girl my butt. Try to remember the sex, at least that was good (?)

 

basically if I just lower myself 2 being a whore

 

Ack, and that is the same thing you told the other X!

 

"WHY DON'T U JUST LOSE MY ****ING NUMBER ! ! ! PROBLEM SOLVED ! I'M THE *******! SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS ! !"

 

Boy, and now he is making you feel guilty like you are being mean to him and not understanding and all that jazz...

 

Argh! What crap Mollyanna...

 

I think you are under the effect of the fwb coming, of course, but she was there before, you were a mess, and you made it. And she is just a poor desperate lady herself.

 

Well, hope you are feeling better soon,

 

Ariadne

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day mollyanna. They suck, they really do. It sucks that ones we love, don't love us, and ones that might want us, we might not see due to loving someone else. It's tough. We all put so many hopes and dreams into the living happily ever after thing, and when that all seems crushed, it's just devastating. But, I guess the silver lining is, it will get better, somehow, someday. It'll just suck for an unfortunately non-determined amount of time until then. Ugh.

 

I really don't know what to say other than I'm here for you, you know that. I wish I could take the hurt away.

 

Jennifer

[Teacher's Pet]

OMG sweetie..

 

I am so sorry........ you are NOT a whore. You are a wonderful, caring, sweet, decent woman who, like EVERYONE ELSE in this world, has made some mistakes when it comes to their heart.

 

*sighs* I hate seeing the good ones treated this way. Sadly, it happens way too often.

 

I'm here for you, sweetie. I'll always look after my DS....errrr....my friend.

 

Love you much.

 

-tp

 

P.S. I'll be on Yahoo most of the evening if you need to talk.

[crazy_grl]

Why am I spiraling down so fast today? I am not going to make it through the weekend. I'm a mess. I want to die. I do. I don't know why I am here anymore. I can't deal with anymore of this pain. I'm too chicken to do anything to myself, but I just feel like crawling in bed and letting myself just wither away.

 

Been there. It sucks. *hugs*

 

-------------------------------------------

right after I wrote the above, he answered my last text message. I said to him:

"and yes now I am freaking out because basically if I just lower myself 2 being a whore and have sex with another person too, then I wouldn't be hurt. I could be happy with u then because we would be even. So becoming a whore is the solution that lets us be together. If I try to b a good girl, I get hurt, but if I whore around, everyone is happy!"

 

And he just wrote back:

"WHY DON'T U JUST LOSE MY ****ING NUMBER ! ! ! PROBLEM SOLVED ! I'M THE *******! SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS ! !"

 

Hun, STOP contacting him. You're only going to make yourself feel worse. I don't want to sound like I'm saying I told you so, but I'm pretty sure I said you would push him away if you kept after him. This is exactly what I was talking about.

 

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but you're being a pest and you're killing any chance of getting back together. It also sounds like you may have been trying to lure him back into a relationship through sex, which is not realy a favorable way to get back a relationship.

 

And what were you trying to accomplish by sending him that message? How did you expect him to respond?

 

Anyway, I'm not trying to say that he's innocent in this. He's not at all. He's being very selfish, and his behavior is fueling your behavior, but you don't have to let him affect you like this.

 

To say that you're not mature enough to handle a FWB relationship is just an *ssholish thing to say. If he were mature, he would have discussed the situation with you to make sure you understood that it was just FWB beforehand. He knew you had feelings for him and any idiot should know that someone who has feelings for them might see having sex as a sign of possible reconciliation. I think he knew that but chose to lead you on, because if he'd said it was just FWB before the act, he might not have got any.

 

Right now, he's acting like you two are broken up instead of on a break. If I were you, I'd officially break up with him. He's way more trouble than what he's worth.

[Mollyanna]

I think I should just die.

 

The things that consist of "getting a life" don't interest me...

 

And then guys don't like me because I don't have a life.

 

Ariadne

 

Are you feeling any better today? I'm really not. I am making myself go on a date tonight with the guy I met a couple of weeks ago. I need to prove to myself that D is not the only guy out there who can make me feel good. I hope this works. All I did yesterday was cry again.

[Mollyanna]

I hope this doesn't sound mean, but you're being a pest and you're killing any chance of getting back together. It also sounds like you may have been trying to lure him back into a relationship through sex, which is not realy a favorable way to get back a relationship.

 

And what were you trying to accomplish by sending him that message? How did you expect him to respond?

 

I was angry. I don't know what it was supposed to accomplish other than to make him see my side of things. He always liked that I was the "good girl". when I met him, I barely ever drank, certainly was not promiscuous, and didn't do drugs. He thought that was cool. He said he didn't want to be with some trashy girl. But now, I am supposed to be OK with him out there screwing someone else. Sounds like the only way I could be OK with it, is if I became a trashy girl. I was trying to point that out to him. I wanted him to see that he is not being logical.

 

As for luring him back through sex... well you are possibly right on that. The sex with him was VERY good and I did miss it, but mostly I missed the cuddling and just the personal intimate connection. He had never shut that off at all. Everytime I saw him he was kissing and hugging me and touching my hair, holding my hand, grabbing my butt, hand on my leg, arms around me. Everywhere we went, all the time. And then once we had sex a few weeks ago again, yes I did want more.

 

Oh man I wish he would talk to me. I wrote my final text message last night and now I sit and wait. I really have nothing else to say:

 

"I'm confused, D." I listen 2 other people and get so filled w/ anxiety and I freak out. I was calm yesterday morning, but kept getting fueled by others telling me how I should react. I'm jealous. I just don't want 2 share u! And then all the cold things u said - I'm really hurt by them. But if that's the way u feel, I cannot hate u for it. I really enjoy being with u and just completely misunderstood the other night. I got my hopes up. I was feeling so close 2 u. Thought you were feeling it 2. I'm hurt but that's my problem. I'll move on. I'll stop loving u. I see there's no hope so I'll let go. But please don't hate me. It's not all or nothing with me, I promise. Please tell me everything is going 2 b ok."