The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[Guest]

my girl and I broke up about a month and a half ago. Its obvious we both want each other in our life and we want to be together at some point. I want ti more than she does right now, she wants our friendship to grow to what it was and things to be different and more positive. we have hung out quite a few times the past few weeks and each time we start talking about relationship and I just cant seem to let it up. and then she feels pressured and wants to back away. Anways, she is telling me to just drop the issue and move on and be friends so we can progress... she is telling me that we are working on our relationship by hanging out and it seems that its not enough for me. she is telling me that she wants to see the side of me that she fell in love with. Any advice on how I can go about this when we hang out? please help.. we have talked about future, family, life and what needs to change... please help

[confused_too_much]

The best piece of advice I can give is to listen to her and give her what she wants. Do not bring up relationship talk. If she said "she is telling me that we are working on our relationship by hanging out and it seems that its not enough for me" <-- then my friend listen to her!!!

 

Dont talk about relationship stuff, work on yourself and just be there for her and she may come round.

 

Actions speak louder than words!!! do and dont talk

 

goodluck

 

my girl and I broke up about a month and a half ago. Its obvious we both want each other in our life and we want to be together at some point. I want ti more than she does right now, she wants our friendship to grow to what it was and things to be different and more positive. we have hung out quite a few times the past few weeks and each time we start talking about relationship and I just cant seem to let it up. and then she feels pressured and wants to back away. Anways, she is telling me to just drop the issue and move on and be friends so we can progress... she is telling me that we are working on our relationship by hanging out and it seems that its not enough for me. she is telling me that she wants to see the side of me that she fell in love with. Any advice on how I can go about this when we hang out? please help.. we have talked about future, family, life and what needs to change... please help

[MOMMIE]

i'm new to this site...i just happened to read this, and i gotta tell you there's something to this....i made it all the way up to and thru step 2 i believe, including the "i've gotta go baby" line....i guess great minds think alike...anyway, i'm really not in an official relationship with him as of yet, and i was just wanting to know where i stood since he has not made mention of us getting "official"...well, after step two...he ended up calling me back that same nite and saying "i miss you", "i wanna talk", and "please come see me"...needless to say, i'm thinking "i'm in there"...except i ended up seeing him that nite.... any tips on the follow up phone call? it's kinda hard to fight the sweet talk, and pleading....

[Guest]

Ok... I just stumbled upon this site and have seen what I have been doing wrong. I guess I'll start with my situation and see what advise I can get from it as it's a bit different from the others.

 

First, I'm 27 and she's 28. We've been married for 6 years this Jan. and about a month ago she said it was over. Both of us don't really have the means to separate right now but will come tax time which is when she says that she wants to leave. Our marriage has been pretty rough and I took her for granted for quite a long time. For about the past year I've been trying to grow up mentally and do things the right way.

 

She had an internet relationship with someone a little over a year ago because she said that I wasn't giving her the emotional things she needed. After we talked and took a couple of days, we decided to try again. She stopped talking to him and we did good for a few months but then things started to fall out again. Pretty soon she started talking to guys on the internet again. Now for the past few months she has been talking to a guy for nearly the whole day and doesn't really want anything to do with me. She knows it drives me crazy but it doesn't really bother her.

 

I know this is the woman I want to spend my life with because I know how she used to be and how we were together before. I've already begun to make changes in my life to become a better person (not just for her but for me as well). I did do everything that was said not to do here for the past month and all it did was drive her away more. Now I'm at a point where I know those won't work and am wanting to follow the advice given here. Is there a way do adhere to this advice while I'm still living with her? It's kind of hard to establish N/C when we live together.

 

Also, she shows a genuine confusion about things at times. As I said though, I took those signs as false hopes and pressured/ cried/ whined all the more. I hope I haven't taken it too far and ended up destroying any chance. I've gone to the doctor to get on anti-depressants to help me cope some. It's starting to work and get easier but I don't know how to go about things from here.

 

Someone plz help any advice would be appreciated.

[ThatAin'tRight]

I posted a thread in the wrong section about what happened as a result of my NC and would love feed back from the peeps in this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t106157/

[Vincent T]

Been looking at the forum for a long time. Good advice. Me and my girl have been together many years... broke up many times, but always got back together even though it seemed hopeless. We were about to move in together, stuff happened, and haven't spoken in over 6 weeks. One day we just stopped calling and seeing each other, no fight or anything. I was ok for a while, but then it hit me last week. Feel like dying. Love her. So used to breaking up, we both have extreme personalities. I always looked at it like we love hard, we fight hard, but in the end, we LOVE. I know we need to work on not breaking up, and working out problems. Anyway, like I said, been over 6 weeks with NC. I called her today and hung up on 1 ring. I wanted to see if she would call back. Phone rang in 5 seconds. She called back 3 times, but I didn't answer. Her quick dial button is next to my best friend, so I plan on telling her I meant to call him, called her by accident, and hung right up, but call must have gone through. Or, I could not call and wait it out. She obviously still has feelings, otherwise she would not have called right back. Not sure what to do, so I figured I would ask the experts.

[Haliburton92]

Vincent-

 

You do realize that all the "rules" here, while it prob. increases your chances at getting back with someone - it's all a game. Well, the NC thing works both ways - it's a game, but it also can help heal. So... What should you do?

 

I'd say call her back. She obviously wanted to talk with you and you obviously wanted to talk to her. Tell her you hit the button by accident and that it is good to speak with her anyway. Don't bring up the relationship. If she does, take it in stride and don't go right into solving your problems, or getting at the root of them. Just be friends. Then go back to NC. If she wants to talk to you, she'll call - hopefully (If you want to get back) this will lead to hanging out at some point. Hang out, but never push. Never push (I'm not so good at taking my own advice ). Let the meeting be amicable. Fun, like a first date. Flirt if you want, but don't kiss at the end. If you mutually want to meet up again, then treat it as a second date. You can kiss after that, but always leave her wanting more. Take it slow. Easier said than done. Hope this helps.

[Vincent T]

Well, you could look at it as a game, but then, isn't life a game? If you want to win a soccer match, would you tell the other team your game plan, or would you make a good game plan and let it play out? To me a game the way it is sometimes described implies evil intentions. And I agree, if you are playing games to get revenge, or for an evil purpose, then you are wrong. But to me, there is nothing wrong with a good "game plan" no matter what goal you have. If you don't have a plan, you will usually fail. A lot of times in relationships, especially in the beginning, people are playing games without even knowing it, but they are not really games, it's just natural reactions. The problem arises when you are so in love you forget how to act normally and do things you wouldn't normally do. That's where I am now. That's why I need objective advice from people who have gone through this, survived, and even gotten their love back. I'm too blinded to think clearly. I guess that's why a doctor never operates on his close relatives. He is too close to the situation and can't react the way he would if his feelings were removed. So I don't think it's wrong to have a game plan, I think it's wrong if you don't! Does anyone else have any opinions on this? I would love to hear from you.

[Ruff Ryder]

Whats up all?

 

Yes Im back sorry been madness my side.

 

Ok straigt to the point. Is all this a game? Well maybe the qestion should be asked... Isnt life a game? Love, lust hope at the end its all games. Mind games we dont even know that we do it but we do...

 

So to the point. There is a very cool topic called eveloution psycology basicly said the study of human actions as they develop over the years. Now with that taken into account there are certain triggers that work for almost evey person alive "theroies" if you will. Now if you want someone back do exactly the opsite of what you would normally do. That means no calls no msg just NO CONTACT.

 

YES its all a game most things in life are its human naturure to compete and try to win its what we have always done, now stop for a second and think about the reaction you would get if you stop trying to win? Hmmmmm peaks intreast cause you no longer doing what you have always done what EVERYONE is programmend to do.

 

So that is why basic principles like what is in this tread can work IF done right. Any more questions on this topic?

[mav100]

Here's a question.

 

How the f#@k is someone supposed to miss you if she went back to a person she dated on and off for 3 1/2 years, and she is with him 24/7?

 

The guy treated her like s#@t, abandoned her when her mother got really sick, never showed up at her wake or funeral. I've been dealing with all of her emotional needs since her mother died, and she leaves me to go back to that a$$hat? Is there ANY possible way that N/C is going to work in that kind of situation? I think I'm sunk.

[jusified]

hey man, undertand how you feel, i some times look back at the great thngs i done for my ex and realise how little she appreciated and how stupid/naive she is.

 

Maybe, just maybe the right thing to do is forget about her and move on and find someone that really appreciates and loves you. You deserve better and will get someone better.

[Ruff Ryder]

Ok here's the thing where both of you went wrong......

 

WHO THE HELL SAID YOU HAVE TO BE THE PILLAR OF STREANT FOR THE EX?

 

If she was relying on you al the time to make things right then thats where your relationship fell apart. YES girls are as strong if not stronger than men mentally and emotionally. Its always nice to help where you can but thats that no more no less.

 

How does one grow and learn if someone else is always there to help? You stopped bieng her lover and became her support kind of ike her folks. I know what your doing now your justifiying your motives and what you did, but that aside its over and the only reason for that is you are her dad not lover.

 

Question answer will NC work for you? Hmmmm YES if not to get her back then for you to get over her. You need to fall into the dark and be scares. Your no longer her dad man or lover so act that way. Make it seem like you were never with her.

 

Man oh man youneed to do loads of work. REMEMBER that other peoples problems are just that THIER'S yes you can help and give advise but STOP there cause at the end of the day its not your issue to deal with just be there for them when they get through and help when they cant.

 

Any other questions?

[jusified]

ruff i agree with most of the things you said, but the relationship needs communication and for the girl to just ran away is not right. All im saying is that in general I believe I was a great boyfriend and with the things the girl put me through, similar to Mav, we as guys just need to realise that we need to move on and find someone else that appreciates us.

 

Of couse girls are strong too, but obviously some girls are just inconsdierte and selfish (like some guys).

[Ruff Ryder]

Agreed some guys can be pricks I know of a couple and i have been one of them in the past. And again I agree and have no doubt that your a good man and all woman would be luck to have you.

 

But what Im saying is more along the lines of live yourown life sort out your own problem and then the rest falls into place. Everything involve communication love life work its a given but some people oys and girls take it for grated what they have I did and so did my ex. But at the end of the day you need to be you and your a man so am I and all that needs to be done is for one to live their lives the way they know best.

 

Ive had good and bad times my fiance cheated on me during the bad and loved me in the good. But thats the past this is here and now and Im living my life my way and have a great girl in it at the moment.

 

Just live your life let your patner live theirs and you'll know in due time if its ment to be. Dont rush anything take your time and enjoy it that much more.

 

Peace man you sound like your head is in the right place. Good luck if you need any help ask and everyone here wil help including me.

 

Have a good one.

[Guest]

It does work in most normal situations. I no of several occasions were this worked. You nailed it,and those who dont want to take this advice of his, dont and move on. good luck

[theadventure50120]

Hi , i haven't been on here for ages.

 

I'm doing fine with the new girlfriend , but i want to tell you something about my ex that kinda pissed me off , yesterday. She said this to me ...what happened to "i'll wait for you because i love you".

 

That is the proof that all she wanted was for me to hang around waiting. I made the right choice by moving on with someone else, why did it piss me off? simple. She is off having fun , has a new bf and wanted ME! to wait for her. I said this to her "your not still going on about that are you?" , i really should have said "what happened to the i like being single and don't want a bf?" but i kinda forgot.

 

She deleted me though , well she said she did because she didn't like the person i am now , i wasn't sucking up to her no more. I just can't understand how anyone could have said that to me , what she said. *shakes head*

 

She also said the depression thing has nothing to do with me , this is just before she deleted me , i said "well if it has nothing to do with me , why did you tell me for!" her reply - "yeah well i want nothing to do with you now so if you don't mind i'm going to delete you" , i simply just said "thank the lord for that , your things are in the rubbish bin anyway"

 

So people , be carefully your not being led on. I stopped being led on over a month ago but she had this idea i was still waiting. She wants nothing to do with me because? I am not a back up for her no more, and she has no need for me.

I don't really care. Goodluck for everyone else though , i'll give some advice from time to time if i can.

 

Bye.

[jusified]

My ex before she left overseas was like I know i made a big mistake but cant take it back. I need space, independance and if down the track i realise you are the one for me i will try and get you back blah blah, now shes having loads of fun on her holiday and contacting the new guy she felt could be the next guy for her (because she said she wants to know what more is out there in a relationship). I don't understand how some peoplecan dothings and feel this way, my heartnever strayed in the relationship.

 

Anyways, still ranting, hopefully the right person comes along for me soon and everyone else in the situation I wish you a merry x-mas and happy new year, our lives need to go on and jut enjoy it for what it is and the right person will pop up before we know it.

[katballoo]

When we broke up which was kind of mutual, I didn't rant or cry or plead.

I remained strong and let him go.

 

Even when he had doubts and came around a few times saying well we should still hang out - you're my best friend. I said, no we need to have a good clean break so we can get over each other. We will be friendly for

the future, but friends not now.

 

I haven't heard from him now for a week. But the problem is a) we so hadn't planned on breaking up. I know he hadn't it was a argument that

got taken too far and we neither of us backed down.

 

He especially didn't back down as we are now separated.

 

Anyway we have a holiday booked in 6 weeks, all on my credit card, and

non refundable. No mention was made of it at the breakup.

If we have broken up that I think that he should pay for his half. I can't change the names on the international ticket.

 

What should I do? I actually still want desperately to go with him.

 

Do I clear it up now. Or hold on for a few weeks before contacting him.

 

I think he is angry with me that I said no contact.

 

THanks

[CaliGuy]

OP if someone really loves you, they won't walk away from you.

 

We all stress NC here because it's important in healing you. It has a side effect of sometimes making an ex wonder about you but for the most part, even if they do wonder and make contact, it's just to assure themselves that you are still on the hook.

 

There are reasons why people come into and leave our lives. They were there to affect your life in a POSITIVE manner. Yes, I said that. Why positively?

 

Because each and every relationship failure, if you view it correctly, is a learning experience that teaches you how to handle the next one even better. If you learn and grow from every relationship failure eventually you're going to realize what it takes to have a healthy relationship and attract a S/O that is healthy for YOU.

 

So instead of being angry at an Ex or pining over them, we should be thankful for the experience to learn and grow. Because when we DO meet that special someone, we're going to wonder what we ever saw in the ex in the first place.

 

Knowledge and experience is what we're gaining from learning to love and failing at it.

 

Like anything else, eventually with practice we get good at it and find success.

[sweetscarlet]

Great thead!

[mlmm]

a question for the experts

if i in the past i contacted my ex (he broke up with me) and he has responded to each and everyone of them saying that he loves me he misses me that he has had the best moments of his life with me and that he has never loved no one as me what should i think!!!!

thank u

[Lostandfound]

Well this is an easy one,I would not respond at all.

 

I would wait for the next communication because there will be one.

 

And wait until its exactly what you want hear.

 

Its oh so easy to go running at this point, well dont, hold your ground, and make them run faster towards to you.

 

If they get agitated about your lack of reply, just ignore it, or if they really are getting panicky or angry just say sorry you have been a little busy lately.

 

Go running now, and belive me they will run just as fast the other way.

They dumped you remember, they have to win you back

[mlmm]

thanks for the advise, the thing is it is going to be his birthday the 11 th and i dont know what to do i would let him know i wish the best to let him know i care but without sounding desperate

what should i say?

thanks

[Ruff Ryder]

" Hey hey happy bday all the best have a good one."

 

You can say what ever you want leave emotion out of it and it will be perfect.

 

I trust that everone had a good new year and a merry xmas. Ive been away and thats why I havent posted. I trust that you are all well.

 

Big up and may 2007 be the best year yet.

 

Peace out all.

[theadventure50120]

I was 21 on Friday , i had a good one.

 

It kinda feels good , never had a girlfriend over christmas / birthday / valentines. She bought me a few things even though i said not to.

 

The ex's was on Sunday , i didn't say happy birthday to her as she didn't to me. Simple as that.

 

I'm always going to be reminded of the ex because i came here for that reason only. But not in the same way now. Thank god. But i come here to tell people how i am and help others when i can , but i'm sorry i keep forgetting about this site often as i'm busy.

 

But the new girlfriend thing is going fine , it's now 5weeks today. Completely different , no arguments or problems "yet". She wants to do everything i want to do , she is always up for anything. Met the family after about a month , was a bit scared lol. But they heard so much about me they just said hi and stuff , and i know her sister anyway.

 

We seen each other everyday threw the Christmas holidays , but she is in 6 form (kinda like college) so i have to adjust again now not doing that everyday, feels kinda weird. But she told me she loved me (she said it after i did after a month , but she said she loved me from the start because of one of the first things i said to her was i wanted to take it slow , which no-one has ever said to her , she says.) , which was nice and i make her happy.

 

Don't know what else to say , so i'll stop. Hope everyone is ok.