The Best of: Winning Someone Back

[Lostgurl]

Spinelli:

 

When he said this (on more than one occasion),He was telling me how much he loved me. And why he loved me

[BBetsy]

right, they have to love you in order to come back --- BUT, the whining, begging, constant contact, can really turn them off and solidify their uncertainty into NOT loving you any more.... that's why NC works when there is still love, not the other way around...

 

(and, if they truly don't love you any more, NC won't bring them back, just help you move on)

[RecordProducer]

Love brings a person back to you not because you play hard to get or you grovel or you get over them. Blah....

Actually sometimes it's a combination of games + love. Don't underestimate the games that trigger the feeling of love that might be asleep.

 

For example, when my husband pisses me off a lot, I think "If I had a place to go, I'd dump him now." but at the same time if I imagine HIM dumping me, I would be devastated and want him back. So... you get the picture.

 

But the fact it: you can't wake up something that's not even there. Without love no game will work long-term.

 

Now the main question is: can you manufacture true love by playing games? I am not sure that the answer is "no" especially if the person playing the game is interesting to the "victim."

[RecordProducer]

What are your thoughts if a guy told you this?

 

"You made me love you" "You made me who i am today"

Well if you're a Hollywood film production company owner and you made a famous actor out of an ambitious waiter then the answer is obvious!

 

He probably meant that you opened his eyes about many things, helped him create attitudes and opinions, perhaps you encouraged him to succeed in something, perhaps you gave him strength and faith by believing in him, maybe you made him forget and forgive the past and be able to love again... You should know better.

 

As to "You made me love you" - it simply means that you deserved to be loved by him. It can also mean that he didn't think he would ever love again, but you were so sweet that you made him love you.

[ImmaBeAlright]

If you're reading this, you've probably already tried the begging, pleading, and emotional cries for mercy - and been soundly rejected. So some of your friendly moderators and royal members have gotten together to try to compile a "now where do I go from here, and why won't he/she listen to me?" tips and advice - with explanations as to WHY you're being advised to take these steps. Hopefully it'll give some of you a better handle on what your exes might be thinking and feeling - and why what you've tried simply hasn't worked.

Important: This is assuming there's no third party waiting in the wings and you've heard the "I need space," "I think maybe we should date other people," or "I don't know if this is going to work out," or other "iffy" statements that imply they're questioning their feelings and/or feelings about being in a relationship... or you've had indications from other sources that your ex is not so happy with their decision.

Let's start with why begging and pleading for another chance doesn't work. Ok, it might work once or twice, but you know why? It's because you've administered a heavy dose of guilt, and chances are said ex still has feelings for you - and caved under the pressure. Now, if you've ever been guilted into doing something, you know you're not going into it wholeheartedly, in a sense it's emotional blackmail, albeit unintentional, and it leads to resentment just waiting to blossom in the first conflict that comes after. I know, you THINK you're just letting them know how much they mean to you. However, what's heard is "you're breaking my heart, you're hurting me incredibly, this person who loves you so!" Always, always, always try and think a step ahead - if you needed a break from a relationship for some reason and still had feelings for someone, how would this make you feel? Yep, approximately an inch tall and the lowest life form on the planet. Needless to say, this is NOT a good beginning to trying to rekindle a romantic relationship!

Step one - ok, you've all heard it, seen it advised, and wondered how the heck it helps when you're thinking you need to be around to remind your love of all the good times you've shared and how much they mean to you. Yep, the dreaded "no contact" rule. (Note: if no contact isn't completely possible due to work/school situation or shared friends, skip on to step 2 ) The reasoning that you need to remind your ex of your presence? First error in judgement. The hard fact is, you have to be noticeably "not there" for your ex to MISS you. The last thing someone who may rethink things wants is someone hounding their footsteps trying to influence them. The first thing they're gonna miss, assuming you guys have been together more than a few weeks, is that "person being around to share things with" that they've grown accustomed to. After you've been in a relationship for a while, think about it - when you've had a bad day at work, or done really great on a test, gotten a part in a play, a job promotion - the instinct is to pick up the phone and call that person to share it! That needs no reminder, and THAT is what you want working in your favor. You want habit and that emotional "sharing" bond working FOR you here, rather than giving your ex ammunition to stay strong against you.

Now, someone who is REALLY sure they're through - this may be the end of the road. There ARE no guarantees. You can't make someone love you if they truly don't. However, what you CAN do is to weigh the odds in your favor assuming there's some uncertainty, and tailor your actions to make them want to reconsider. If you think you're actually letting them talk themselves into it - you're absolutely right! But this way it's totally their decision - and the one person they can't hold out against forever is themselves!

Ok, now during this "no contact from you" phase - make SURE you stay BUSY. Bear in mind if/when your ex does get in touch with you - what kind of person do you want them to find at the other end of the phone, message, email, or "chance" meeting? A depressed, broken, morose husk of a person? Or that confident person they've had fun with and were attracted to? If you've seen problems in yourself that contributed to the breakup originally? Now is the time to get off your butt (mentally) and work on them! Use the time to make yourself someone you're happy with, someone you know is attractive, and yes, if you're up to it, even go out on some casual dates, or at the least, hang out with friends. A teasing grin is WAY more attractive than a morose frown or scowl - and how you think of yourself tends to show through any act you can put on.

Worst case, since it's not guaranteed - you'll be taking active steps to heal from the breakup and prepare yourself for a new relationship - and even best case - going BACK into a relationship, you want to do it as a whole, complete person. This no contact phase is likely to be one of the HARDEST things you ever have to do. If you feel yourself weakening - visit websites, call a friend, go for a walk, work out, ANYTHING. But try not to give in - or you'll have to start this step ALL OVER again. Now if knowing that isn't incentive, I dunno what is!

Step two - initial or casual contact. This can take MANY forms - it could be a casual call about something seemingly insignificant, an email asking you if you want a CD back that he or she JUST noticed they had in their car, ANYTHING. Rule #1 - if it seems like a really silly reason to call, it probably is. In other words, take heart, it's probably an excuse to initiate contact without looking like a weak idiot who wants to talk to you. BIG DON'T - do NOT point this out!!! BIG DON'T #2 - do NOT start off by thinking this is an open door to go into an emotional speech about how you've missed them so and your life hasn't been complete without them! Keep it cool, casual, comfortable. Don't bring up the relationship unless they do first. Don't bring up dating other people. Don't make a POINT out of saying how grand things are going - it should all be in the attitude, not in obvious points. DO respond nicely to "I've missed talking to you," but more with "yeah, it's really good to hear from you." Not with the impression you've been waiting weeks to hear it (even though you have!). DO take opportunities for light, flirty, "cute" comments and compliments, without overdoing it. The goal here is to make these contacts enjoyable, give the impression you still think of this person as an attractive member of the opposite sex, and keep it light and playful enough to avoid any pressure or discomfort. You want them to keep coming back for more, right? So make sure they end on an "up" note - and be the one to say you gotta go - nicely, but in a way that implies "I still have a life." In other words "oh man, I hate to run, but I told John I'd be at his house 5 minutes ago - it was great talking to you, hope to cya later!" says about 4 things at once - you had a good time talking, enough to be running a little late, your life isn't on hold, and you'd welcome hearing from him or her again. If you managed to hit that "fun and mood/ego boosting note" in the conversation - you've just made it almost a certainty the contact isn't going to end here. People come back for more of what makes them feel good, and feel attractive and desireable without being overwhelmed. This is a tentative "feeling out the vibes and mood" stage - intense can push away, completely aloof can be discouraging. So encourage their contact - without putting yourself on the line here.

Step three - meeting again, or less casual conversations, casual dates etc. The point where the ex starts openly questioning things about the breakup. Comments like "I've been thinking a lot lately about us," "Do you ever think about being with me?" "Have you started seeing anyone else yet?" Now, I know, this is what you've been waiting to hear! And impulse is to go with it and scream "oh thank GOD, I've been HOPING you'd consider going out with me again because I still love you as much as ever!" WHOA BUDDY!!! Apply the brakes here! Go with the flow - but let THEM lead the conversation and exploration here - you've got to find out what their "comfort zone" is as far as thinking about the relationship - and you're not gonna do that by taking control of the direction the conversation is headed in away from them! By all MEANS be encouraging,

"yeah, I've been thinking about it as well, I've missed being with you, penny for your thoughts?" Really listen to what's being said, encourage them to voice what they're thinking and feeling, respond honestly - but without being overwhelming about it. For example, they say "I dunno, I really miss some of what we had together," "yeah, me too, you think if we'd communicated better we could've worked it out?" "I wonder if it would be possible for us to figure out what went wrong in our relationship? Even if that means we don't get back together, that would help me tremendously in my next relationship." Remember, you NEED to know what the perceived problems were if you're going to build something better, don't get defensive, don't crawl on your knees begging forgiveness, make sure you get across you're going to really listen with an open mind, and offer suggestions and compromises you think might've helped. Blaming yourself at this point won't help, letting them blame themselves won't either. If they change the subject - even if you want to scream and bang your head into a wall because you still had questions - let them change it. Either they have enough to think on for the moment - or they've hit the end of their "comfort zone" before they feel pressured, so in either case, pressing the issue is going to work against you. Be patient, be encouraging that talking about it isn't going to make you defensive or lead to an argument, be encouraging you're interested in starting over again with them - without making it an issue you don't want to talk it out if they're not ready for that.

Stage four - getting back together. If you've worked all the way through stage three without jumping, you'll be in a good position to build a stronger, NEW, relationship with your ex if after all your conversations, you're sure that's still what you want. Of course there will still be bumps in the road - but hopefully by talking through the causes of one breakup, you'll be better at talking things out before they hit the wall again.

And always keep in mind - especially when it's them that's done the breaking up - they will be much more confident if they have to work a little to get you back - nobody wants a doormat they can take for granted, the things we invest some effort into, the things we work for, are the things we value the most.

Authors' notes: This should not be taken as "how to make someone love you," because while you can encourage positive interaction with someone who already has strong feelings for you, you can't make someone HAVE those feelings. This is not intended to imply you can control that. What you can control are your actions, which will either encourage or discourage someone from contact and involvement with you when their feelings are already involved. There's no magical solution, and no perfect bible of "how to." If you find yourself stuck - always try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and think what you'd find most encouraging in THEIR position.

 

*Disclaimer: The following post is blunt but is not intended to offend anyone*

 

 

I have to ask this as it pops up all over the place in these kinds of (heartbroken) boards.

 

Why put energy to get someone back who doesn't want you???? Why??? Why be so selfish and self centered that you think that you can change someone's mind to suit what YOU want? Why???

 

That is not love, it is self obsession, you have been dumped and feel rejected and feel hurt/discarded, so you concort a plan where YOU hope to be the victor again.

 

If you love someone, you respect them and their wishes and not go on on your own personal agenda.

 

Let him/her go and don't hold your breath that they will come back. Yes, I know it happens sometimes, but still, don't hold your breath.

[ImmaBeAlright]

All your incoherent explanations are just running circles around the issue here... YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU!

 

 

 

Absolutely!

[ImmaBeAlright]

Spinelli:

 

When he said this (on more than one occasion),He was telling me how much he loved me. And why he loved me

 

 

Is he still with you? If not, whatever he said is now irrelevant and shouldn't concern you in the least.

[ImmaBeAlright]

For example, when my husband pisses me off a lot, I think "If I had a place to go, I'd dump him now." but at the same time if I imagine HIM dumping me, I would be devastated and want him back. So... you get the picture.

 

 

No, I don't. Some people like games and others don't. How sure are you whether or not your husband likes mind games. If I pissed you off and you dumped me, oh well.... Even if I loved you, I choose to believe it when people decide not to be with me anymore.

[lindya]

If you're reading this, you've probably already tried the begging, pleading, and emotional cries for mercy

 

I haven't tried begging, pleading and emotional cries for mercy before, but after reading three lines of your prose I thought it might be time to start.

 

My eyes began streaming with blood-stained tears. As the pressure built up in my brain, my nervous system began sending out a series of SOS messages warning that my head was about to spontaenously combust. I close my eyes, and see a kaleidescope of colours and shapes interspersed with THINK, REALLY, CAN'T and DON'T.

 

Attempting to read that post was like being cornered by the Ancient Mariner when you've got a severe headache.

 

Paragraphs are good.

[spinnelli]

Maybe we are confusing expression of feelings with "begging" here. What consitutes begging anyway? I don't consider telling an ex that you are still in love with him/her begging. I consider it the truth, it's what you feel that you are just expressing.

 

So what exactly constitutes grovelling/begging?

[AriaIncognito]

It is NOT about making someone care for you. You can't do that with anybody anyway. But if you care for them, and you want to make it known, then do so. It's not going to guarantee that they'd come back to you, you'll only be voicing what you feel, "hey just so you know, I still love you and I miss you", period!. They may come back, and they may not.

 

I told my last ex, during our last phone conversation as we broke up, that I loved him. Never did i utter those words in the relationship. I had wanted to, but didn't, because I felt he wasnt ready to hear it. I think spinnelli has a point, in that if you really want someone to know how you feel, tell them. It doesn't guarantee any different outcome, nor should you expect it to, but if it's something you need for yourself, for closure or whatever, then do it.

 

Now, should you break NC, go running over to his house and spew it out daily? No. If you told him, don't do it over and over. He knows how you felt, no amount of reiteration will bring him back any faster. There are obviously times and places to reveal how you feel when you feel it.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I guess I just wanted to concur that even though I knew my saying those words wouldn't make him stop breaking up, I at least know I told him. When i told him, he said "i knew. i could tell by the way you looked at me". Nice to know that he could see the words I so wanted to say.

 

Jennifer

[whir]

All your incoherent explanations are just running circles around the issue here... YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEONE LOVE YOU!

Bullcrap!

 

who would be resposible then for being inlove? a cupid who shot an arrow at you?

 

all the reason why we fall to sombody is based on other peoples actions and personalities...

 

Why would you fall to a certain person is based on what they done to you... (dont tell me you beleive in love at first sight crap)..

 

all the other peoples reactions and feelings are based on someones actions.

 

same thing if I said to you that "you know what? your so gonna end up in PORNO"..that is a sure fire thing that your gonna hate me..I can make you hate me...

 

Of corz you can make som1 love you..

 

what im just trying to say on my previous post is..

 

Courting a girl to have a new relationship with (make them fall in love)..

 

is not same as winning som1 back...on the scenario on how would you make them feel in love again(the best thing you could do is removing your self from their life)you cant make som1 love you AGAIN, you cant make som1 miss you,you can't make somone realize your value..The only thing YOU CAN DO to make her feel all this is by removing syourelf from her with your dignity still intact..

[Pink Amulet]

I refuse to argue with someone who spells "course" corz and "someone" som1.

 

I'll tell you what. You keep trying to make women fall in love with you, and we'll be here when you realise the facade and the games, will only take you so far.

 

Good luck.

[lindya]

Bullcrap!same thing if I said to you that "you know what? your so gonna end up in PORNO"..that is a sure fire thing that your gonna hate me..I can make you hate me... .

 

Aggressively insisting that something is true doesn't make it so. It just makes you sound insecure - as if you can't bear the idea of people disagreeing with you.

 

As for having the ability to make others hate you... It's possible to think someone is stupid or has issues (eg on account of the way they behave or express their views), without actually hating them. Mild dislike and lack of respect do not equal hate.

[Lostgurl]

Well if you're a Hollywood film production company owner and you made a famous actor out of an ambitious waiter then the answer is obvious!

 

He probably meant that you opened his eyes about many things, helped him create attitudes and opinions, perhaps you encouraged him to succeed in something, perhaps you gave him strength and faith by believing in him, maybe you made him forget and forgive the past and be able to love again... You should know better.

 

As to "You made me love you" - it simply means that you deserved to be loved by him. It can also mean that he didn't think he would ever love again, but you were so sweet that you made him love you. [/quote]

Wow You are good! He was in a serious rel. of 8 years and was still hurt about it when we got together. Thats dead on! as for the other stuff yeah it could be some of that too. Guess i should have put more thought into it. Thanks!

[Lostgurl]

Is he still with you? If not, whatever he said is now irrelevant and shouldn't concern you in the least.

 

Yes we are still together. When i was checkin this thread out , we weren't on speaking terms and had broken up for like 5 hours.

 

We got back together when i got home

[thekhris]

that was cool!..good for you lost gurl....i think your not that lost anymore:p

[thekhris]

 

So what exactly constitutes grovelling/begging?

this topic is been disected a few months ago ..but instead of putting the short cut link..

 

could just any girls outhere can explain to this dude why begging is a big turn off to all the girls...

[Pink Amulet]

Because if it was meant to be. You wouldn't have to do any such thing in the first place.

[thekhris]

yep..thats my girl..full of wisdome always...but kinda aloof somtimes:p

[whir]

 

 

Most people do most of the damage to their chances of getting back together with their ex during the first 72 hours after the breakup. As if by instinct, they go into a needy, reactive, irrational state. People end up making their ex boyfriends or ex girlfriends less likely to get back together with them.

 

So what are you supposed to immediately after a break up? In a word... nothing.

 

Give them space. Even though everything that you are may be fighting it, back off. Don't call them crying, don't send them wordy emails, don't beg for their forgiveness. Just let your ex be.

 

Only by giving them breathing room after a break up do you allow them to come to terms with what they have done. They may second guess themselves and change their mind. But, if you are acting needy or irrationally you make them sure of themsevles. Only by allowing them the space to reconsider their decision do you make it possible for them to do so. It doesn't hurt that your reaction to the break up is mature, confident, and shows your composure under pressure. This is much more attractive, and more likely to lead to getting back together, than a drunken, post breakup scene in a public place, for instance.

[loveinlife]

Good stuff TheKhris!

[thekhris]

no prob...but ill suggets you give credits to Donpepot,Daphie,REalbroken.Brandonbp,Driver(cant remember),Norajane and others who beleive in this advices and make them work to themselves..

[Just2Cute1972]

I just have to say i totally agree with the no contact thing. Ive done the pleading, begging and all that before and all it ever did was piss the guy off. We would be having a normal conversation, that HE would initiate and by the end of it he didnt wanna talk anymore because i would always bring up our relationship or my feelings for him, or the whole needy thing (what will do without u blah blah). Who is attracted to that seriously? Im not... are you? Im going thru a break up now and i havent spoken to him other than a text message that he sent me asking to see my son to spend some time, i told him that was fine, what time he would be home and that was that. He didnt show... he had cancel, but he also text me asking if he could see him the following weekend, to which i havent replied to yet. Im a firm believer in following my heart, but if u just sit back and look at urself and what u look like being that way its a real eye opener. I write my feelings in a journal to help get em out, i take long drives with my music as loud as i can get it, i go walk for about a mile or 2 ... ive just done everything i possibly can whenever i get into that depressing state that i miss him or i wish i could i talk to him. It helps. Its hurts a lot and nothing but time will get rid of that hurt, but u dont have to sit there and be consumed by it.

[ImmaBeAlright]

 

 

Most people do most of the damage to their chances of getting back together with their ex during the first 72 hours after the breakup. As if by instinct, they go into a needy, reactive, irrational state. People end up making their ex boyfriends or ex girlfriends less likely to get back together with them.

 

So what are you supposed to immediately after a break up? In a word... nothing.

 

Give them space. Even though everything that you are may be fighting it, back off. Don't call them crying, don't send them wordy emails, don't beg for their forgiveness. Just let your ex be.

 

Only by giving them breathing room after a break up do you allow them to come to terms with what they have done. They may second guess themselves and change their mind. But, if you are acting needy or irrationally you make them sure of themsevles. Only by allowing them the space to reconsider their decision do you make it possible for them to do so. It doesn't hurt that your reaction to the break up is mature, confident, and shows your composure under pressure. This is much more attractive, and more likely to lead to getting back together, than a drunken, post breakup scene in a public place, for instance.

 

 

Again, why want a person back who doesn't want you? Where is your self respect??? The person looked AT YOU, looked at the RELATIONSHIP with YOU and said: No thanks, I'll pass.... Why not close that chapter, close the book and move on.

 

All the world is a stage and we all are actors, when a person exit stage left... It's next scene, take one.

 

I have never done the get back with an ex thing, I choose to look at my life as a forward moving kind of movie. I learn from the past but keep moving forward. An EX is an EX for a reason.