luckypanda Posted July 30, 2006 Share Posted July 30, 2006 I'm going through a tough relationship situation with a guy who is definitely one of my best friends. Him and I met a year and a half ago, and had ridiculous chemistry and a great connection from the start. But considering both of us were not available to start a relationship--I was fresh out of one, and he was still in one. We didn't give things a shot. We got to know each other more and more throughout the next year, and the chemistry and connection we shared really couldn't be ignored. So finally this past Spring, we decided to start dating exclusively--this was the compromise we reached because he'd gotten out of a 3 year relationship fairly recently and he didn't want to 'be in a relationship'. As it turns out our dating exclusively turned out to be no different than a relationship, which he wasn't ready to commit to having been so fresh out of a relationship. Recently, both him and I decided not to date each other anymore, because the way things were with us dating exclusively--specifically the physical part, pushed us in the direction of making things official much faster. He said that it wasn't a right way to start things off, and that if we are going to be together, he wants us to have a clean start. My response was that it was too bad that we didn't give things a chance. To which he said: "Don't say that we're not going to give things a chance, just because we're not right now. We haven't made the decision to not be together. If it happens now, it is because we are ment to be. I just don't want us starting our relationship because of our physical involvement. I want to make sure we're doing it for the right reasons." We discussed how we've always flirted and had a lot of chemistry, and how that probably won't stop. He is very emotional, and takes the idea of a relationship very seriously. I've also met and become close with his entire family, which he's never done for any of the girls he has dated in the past. He still calls a lot, and we still spend hour upon hour of time with each other. We've acknowledged that we still like each other. What's going on here? Thanks for your help. Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 How did he end his last relationship? If he is really serious about relationships in general, he might be seeing some of the same patterns as before and if he got hurt, that might be why he is hesitant. At least the both of you have discussed feelings. Alot of us never get the chance to. I don't even know where to start with my "best friend". The only thing that I can think of, since ya'll (excuse my texan) have discussed feelings, is to just be as honest as you can. Don't let yourself feel used. Sometimes a "friends with benefits" situation actually turns into one friend doing all the hurting and the other friend just enjoying the attention and not having to work for it. In a way, it is a relationship. A bad one. I've been there for too long. It's no way to live. They look at you and say "What's wrong?" You end up hurting and busting your ass trying to please them and they just sit back and watch. Don't do that. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 He's just using you on his terms. If you're okay with that, then there isn't a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 You think that despite everything we've done having been mutually agreed upon, and him being the one that wanted to put a stop to the physical aspect of our relationship, because he said it was a wrong way to start off a real relationship--he's using me? I sure have the wrong idea. What about him not letting me brush off the idea of us being in a relationship? Does that matter for anything? Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 What are all these feeble excuses? He doesn't seem to know whether he wants you or not. It's actually not that complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 How did he end his last relationship? If he is really serious about relationships in general, he might be seeing some of the same patterns as before and if he got hurt, that might be why he is hesitant. At least the both of you have discussed feelings. Alot of us never get the chance to. I don't even know where to start with my "best friend". The only thing that I can think of, since ya'll (excuse my texan) have discussed feelings, is to just be as honest as you can. Don't let yourself feel used. Sometimes a "friends with benefits" situation actually turns into one friend doing all the hurting and the other friend just enjoying the attention and not having to work for it. In a way, it is a relationship. A bad one. I've been there for too long. It's no way to live. They look at you and say "What's wrong?" You end up hurting and busting your ass trying to please them and they just sit back and watch. Don't do that. Him and his ex dated for nearly 3 years. She has major issues with letting go of everything, so it was really painful and drawn out. Him and I are no longer physically involved, because he said that he didn't feel like it was a healthy way to start a real relationship, so he wants to give us a fair shot independent of the physical aspect. Even when we were physically involved, we were both very careful to make sure we were both on the same page, so neither of us would feel used. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 What are all these feeble excuses? He doesn't seem to know whether he wants you or not. It's actually not that complicated. I understand that, but it seems more like a timing thing--him not being mentally ready being on the heels of the end of a 3 year relationship. Don't you think if he didn't want me, he wouldn't care if I brused off the idea of us being together? We've also had a pretty serious general talk about marriage for the two of us. Again, maybe my perceptions are wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Don't you think if he didn't want me, he wouldn't care if I brused off the idea of us being together? Like I said - he wants you on his terms. Stringing somebody along is part of that (game). Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Like I said - he wants you on his terms. Stringing somebody along is part of that (game). Ah, ok..I understand and agree with you. Is the game you're referencing the game of pursuing someone/liking someone? Personally, doing things on his terms doesn't bug me, because if I don't want them to happen when he does, they won't happen. Would you say that people only string along someone they don't really care for/respect? Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 How much do you really like this person? Do you think about them all the time? And I'm not trying to be rude or confrontational but don't say "I really know him" or "I understand him" because believe me, you never really know them as much as you thought you did. Like I said before, bring it all out into the open. It's gonna hurt to do it, but if you like him that much, put his feet to the fire. If you don't like him enough to sacrifice your position in the game, then he ain't worth all the bulls**t anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 How much do you really like this person? Do you think about them all the time? Like I said before, bring it all out into the open. It's gonna hurt to do it, but if you like him that much, put his feet to the fire. I like him a lot. I definitely think about him all the time. He knows this, we've definitely talked about it all. After talking about everything, we decided that it would be best for us not to be physically involved(for the reasons I stated above). His efforts and words are pretty consistent in him wanting us to maintain a strong emotional connection to see where things go. I was actually surprised that a guy wanted to put a stop to the physical part of the relationship, because most men are notorious for thinking with their other heads. Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 Hey I can understand that position. I tend to be a little too self conscious. I am just not comfortable enough to be physical in that way until I get real close to the person. I've never been one to just go out and snag some girl for the night. I just can't do that. I need to have the connection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 Hey I can understand that position. I tend to be a little too self conscious. I am just not comfortable enough to be physical in that way until I get real close to the person. I've never been one to just go out and snag some girl for the night. I just can't do that. I need to have the connection. He is EXACTLY the same way. It's good to know that not all men think in the same way. So would you say his reasons for not wanting to be 'in a relationship', along with his strong indication that I not brush off the idea of being with him later are legitimate? Any other takes or suggestions on this? Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 The "not wanting to be in a relationship" thing kinda perplexes me. I barely cut loose of the ex-wife before I stumbled across the one that I think I've been looking for. I'm one of those, I guess, that must need someone to tell him they love him or I just ain't complete. So far no takers. Maybe he just isn't over the hurt yet and doesn't think he can give you fair attention because of it. I don't know. I usually meet women who do this to me and then run over me later. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 So would you say his reasons for not wanting to be 'in a relationship', along with his strong indication that I not brush off the idea of being with him later are legitimate? If there would be any danger of you moving your affections elsewhere - well, then you would see a reaction! But not one based on anything of substance. Just like these "reasons" have no substance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 If there would be any danger of you moving your affections elsewhere - well, then you would see a reaction! But not one based on anything of substance. Just like these "reasons" have no substance. So this is...hopeless? bleh. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 So this is...hopeless? Nothing is hopeless! But I think you need to start standing up for yourself! Expect more. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 So, while you're not having sex, and you're not in a relationship, are you both free to date/have sex with other people? Is that perhaps why he isn't ready for a relationship right now? He wants to date other women while maintaining your friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 I agree with magichands. Stand up for yourself. Guys in general are not that hard to figure out. Am I wrong guys? Pull up a seat and deal yourself in. I pray for the day when I see the light. Come on ladies, stop beating around the damn bush. I'm personally sick of trying to piece together the hints. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 you're right! I should stand up for what I want, and what I want to do instead of just being a passive observer. I like your suggestion! Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 I agree with magichands. Stand up for yourself. Guys in general are not that hard to figure out. Am I wrong guys? Pull up a seat and deal yourself in. I pray for the day when I see the light. Come on ladies, stop beating around the damn bush. I'm personally sick of trying to piece together the hints. So pretty much, I need to not just occassionally mention what I want, and passively see what happens...but moreso be completely vocal about what I want, and do what I can to make it happen? And then just see where things go? Link to post Share on other sites
Author luckypanda Posted July 31, 2006 Author Share Posted July 31, 2006 So, while you're not having sex, and you're not in a relationship, are you both free to date/have sex with other people? Is that perhaps why he isn't ready for a relationship right now? He wants to date other women while maintaining your friendship? We are free to do what we want, but he said that he's not interested in other women right now, and that he just wants his own space from everyone and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 You just need to tell what you want and what you expect to get from this "relationship". If he can't handle it now, who's to say he'll be able to handle it later either. We don't change. Meanwhile, you've put your life on hold while he gets his s**t together. What if you've waited a really long time and then he turns out to be a real dud? Then what? There's no time like the present hon'. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 We are free to do what we want, but he said that he's not interested in other women right now, and that he just wants his own space from everyone and everything. You might want to give this as much thought as you've given everything else he said. Specifically, how would you feel and react if you were to find out in a few weeks or so that he is actually meeting and flirting with and dating other women, perhaps even having sex? And I hope you won't be turning any dates down while you 'wait' to see if your friendship turns into anything again. Link to post Share on other sites
TJettman Posted July 31, 2006 Share Posted July 31, 2006 You might want to give this as much thought as you've given everything else he said. Specifically, how would you feel and react if you were to find out in a few weeks or so that he is actually meeting and flirting with and dating other women, perhaps even having sex? And I hope you won't be turning any dates down while you 'wait' to see if your friendship turns into anything again. I agree. I can't speak for all guys but me personally, if I'm interested, I hang on. If not, I move on and cut loose of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
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