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accepting the facts


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Well, Princessa, you have a very valid point. The fact that I am now doubting our love, or even asking was it love means that the relationship probably was not true love. I think for him it was probably more of a strong friendship, companionship with passion, if you will, but not love. There in essence was no commitment beyond the day to day...there was no vision of a shared future. Of building a life together.


I can see now that one of the reasons we never spoke about the future, what would happen after I moved away, etc is that neither of us wanted to confront it...for different reasons. For him, it was probably because he didn't want to let me down. He probably thought that I understood it wasn't to be forever, and would leave the country and just let fate take its course. For me, I didn't confront the issue of committment because I just wanted to hang on to what we had in the here and now. I probably knew deep down inside that the moment we talked about long term plans, that I wouldn't get the answer I was looking for...but as long as we were together and happy I could have hope.


But in reality I was denying myself the ability to express my own feelings, and was holding back. This is not healthy, and I hope that in the future, I will not get myself in a relationship in which a long term future is most likely not in the cards...I hope I will see that to know what you want, to be vulnerable, to want to make that kind of committment is a strength, not a weakness.


Getting there, I think, day by day.

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