9Lives Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 Well ladies I dont think I made myself clear .....The mm DID answer the question by saying YES he still wants a divorce but his actions dont match his words (Responsing to Post...why he wont let go) I know everyone is right....I cant let him make the decision...it is up to me. On Monday, I ended it.....tearfully. Of course he really did not want to but we both are tired. He has tired to comfort me and talk me out of leaving him and trying to get me to understand where he is coming from for a while and I just cant seem to be satisfied. I dont know why. We both are unhappy together and all we do is argue and complain all the time to each other. I feel like right now everything is all good at home so even though he says he wants to leave I think he is really not serious and is hoping things get better at home so he doesnt have to do it. The house is on the market but not really up for sale and he doesnt know it. I dont know what to do from here because I deep down inside dont really think it is over ......over for a while, yes...but over for good....I am not sure. Time will tell. I am glad that I am not in it anymore. He needs to get out if he is really going to get out. Until then I need to live my life and do whatever. I will admit to all you ladies. I hope we get back together later. I hope we do. NOW IT IS TIME TO GO THRU THE FIRE.............All the pain and emotions that come with ending a affair. I look terrible. I already been crying and feeling like trash. My mind wont rest. I wonder what he is thinking and feeling. I guess this is all part of it.
burning 4 revenge Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 why do women have to look for mm when b4r types on his laptop ALONE ?
Author 9Lives Posted July 25, 2006 Author Posted July 25, 2006 why do women have to look for mm when b4r types on his laptop ALONE ? I dont understand your question.
newbby Posted July 25, 2006 Posted July 25, 2006 I dont understand your question. i think he is coming on to you 9lives;) hey, you have done the right thing. you couldnt carry on as you were, which just destroys the relationship. he needs to see the reality of life without you before he will have the strength to make a move. you also both need head space. what you have done is the only thing you could do to give a real relationship a chance. check out posts of old europe, who is very inspiring and who is now with her mm.
Sami_D Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 why do women have to look for mm when b4r types on his laptop ALONE ? lol. You're coming on too strong...
Sami_D Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Hello again 9lives. I'm in something (perhaps) of a similar situation to you. I was in a R with a MM for 2 years (first year was EA online), during which he became more and more certain that he wanted to leave his W, but just wasn't getting there. I became more and more distraught because, as you say... actions didn't match words. I felt he was dragging his feet, and would 'never' leave. In the end (this April) we both decided that going NC was the only way for him to finally make the break without me there 'being nice' to him even if he hadn't managed to do it. And it was the only way to free myself from the agonies of stress over whether or not he would do it! We had tried NC back last October, after reading posts here from OldEurope... we both knew that if we were going to stand a chance... it was the only thing to do. At the end of it all, there comes a time when words have to give way to action... and ending it with the MM, going NC, and allowing them time to do their thing without the cushion of the OW to prop up their lives is the only way forward. You've done a very brave thing, and I can understand how you feel. The next few weeks will be pretty difficult. But (BELIEVE ME) there are great positives to being out of the A and into NC. So keep going. I'm 3 months down the line now, and I can say that NC gets to be a habit, life gets better, you feel back in control of your own life, and it is SO good to be out of that stress. There are still bad days... but being on an even keel is worth the pain of missing him. If your MM has any real intention of leaving, being in NC will bring that to a head. He has to miss you. He has to know that YOUR words aren't just words... that YOU are capable of doing a very difficult thing... walking away from him. Think about it. We OW are always spouting about how the MM can't do this 'simple thing' of leaving W and C and family, etc... and yet when it comes to the 'or else' bit of it... how many OW can actually put their actions where their mouth is and do NC? Very few. Sticking to NC, so that he KNOWS that unless he acts, he's lost you... is really the only way to make a MM act on what he says are his intentions... what he claims is his heart's desire. And YOU have to be the strong one. So... be strong, for your own self-worth, your dignity, for your relationship with him (NC is the only way to secure a future with him), or, for your final freedom from all this drama. Just take it one hour at a time. In the early, very bad days... take it one minute at a time. Then, you can tick off the days... and eventually, the weeks will go by and it will all be a habit. It is only then that the real benefits will come to you. But THEY WILL COME to you. Just stick with it.
Sami_D Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 Here are OldEurope's words of wisdom: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=771661#post771661 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=815353#post815353 Wanted to add to my post above... that my MM said that he was sure he would tell his W he wanted a separation, it was just a question of finding the right time. And it was that... waiting for him to 'find the right time' that was driving me mad. Looking back... I had completely run out of patience with him... and was giving him NO chance at all to do such a delicate, important thing! But at the time it felt like he was dragging his feet! How perspective can change things. Anyway, 9lives... I hope you get something out of these posts by OE. Take care.
stoopid_guy Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 why do women have to look for mm when b4r types on his laptop ALONE ? lol. You're coming on too strong... Nice men get frustrated when women make obviously "wrong" choices. It used to drive me insane to make friends with a woman, treat her nice, show her respect, then she'd wind up dating some guy who treated her like crap or couldn't/wouldn't give her everything she deserved. B4R's frustration might well be genuine.
Sami_D Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 I prefer men to be genuine, and just who they are. I don't like any kind of playing... be it 'treat 'em mean' or 'treat 'em nice'. It's two sides of the same coin. Probably why I don't tend to bother with dating at all, as no one is really being themselves. I prefer to get to know someone naturally... and to be honest, I'm more suspicious of men who go all out to be 'nice' to impress me, and then get frustrated because I'm not interested. Had that sort before... love poetry, flowers, hand-made cards... he turned out to be an abusive nutcase
Author 9Lives Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Here are OldEurope's words of wisdom: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=771661#post771661 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=815353#post815353 Wanted to add to my post above... that my MM said that he was sure he would tell his W he wanted a separation, it was just a question of finding the right time. And it was that... waiting for him to 'find the right time' that was driving me mad. Looking back... I had completely run out of patience with him... and was giving him NO chance at all to do such a delicate, important thing! But at the time it felt like he was dragging his feet! How perspective can change things. Anyway, 9lives... I hope you get something out of these posts by OE. Take care. Gosh Sami YOU have been thru what I am talking about...it is a little different but I can tell that man was trying. This was a relationship just like mines. I respect you and thank you for showing me and being there for me and giving me courage dispite your having to suffer to learn the lesson...Thank you so much. So have you talked to him? What is going on right now
Sami_D Posted July 27, 2006 Posted July 27, 2006 No, I have not spoken to MM for three months. Three months exactly, today, one hour ago, in fact There has been one brief moment of contact, 4 and a half weeks into the NC, when I emailed him to ask if he was still on track to leave, and he emailed back to say yes, but he just wasn't getting very far very fast. These things take time. Looking back, I can wish that I'd never done that, as it gave the impression that I'm waiting! But then, I needed it back then. We're all weak from time to time. I was going to suggest you read my original thread on here, if you haven't already done so. It was entitled 'MM says he is getting Divorced' or something... very similar to yours in fact. There were a LOT of really good responses on that thread, and MM read through it, because he was determined to do the right thing. But that was last summer. And it went on for MONTHS after that, with him changing his mind back, and deciding he couldn't do it then. That's the pattern of these things. NC really is the only way, in the end. IF you are going NC with your MM, you should write a note to him, telling him why, and what you expect of him (that he should not contact you unless he's separated, or whatever), and then you have to resist the temptation to contact him either. OldEurope explains it very well in the posts of hers I've referenced for you. My original thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t72170/
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