Jealous Boyfriend

[cityguy]

I am about to get engaged, just got the ring, and I am having trouble with an aspect of my girlfriend's life. She is great, 28, but she has a lot of male friends from her work place. The issue is that she (the only female) periodically goes out with 5 or 6 of these male friends for a night of hard partying at a club or sports event. She seems to be circumspect about these outings since she knows that I am uncomfortable with the mix. I can tell that she would prefer that I not go, possibly because I don't drink. The most recent included a guy she had a major crush on that rejected her and another guy who has a big crush on her. I told her that these outings and her being less than direct make me jealous and uncomfortable. I don't want to be controlling but I would never think of going out partying with five women without my girlfriend. Am I being too difficult?

[arthropod98]

personally, i don't feel you're being too difficult here. now, what if the situation was REVERSED?? does your fiance really think she'd be allright with YOU doing this?? just can't see that happening! think that's what i would say to her.

 

honestly, if she knows how much this bothers you (hell, it'd bother me too!!), and she's not willing to come up with SOME kind of compromise to make you BOTH happy, there might be a real problem here. can you imagine STILL dealing with this and feeling this way, say, 5 years from now??

I am about to get engaged, just got the ring, and I am having trouble with an aspect of my girlfriend's life. She is great, 28, but she has a lot of male friends from her work place. The issue is that she (the only female) periodically goes out with 5 or 6 of these male friends for a night of hard partying at a club or sports event. She seems to be circumspect about these outings since she knows that I am uncomfortable with the mix. I can tell that she would prefer that I not go, possibly because I don't drink. The most recent included a guy she had a major crush on that rejected her and another guy who has a big crush on her. I told her that these outings and her being less than direct make me jealous and uncomfortable. I don't want to be controlling but I would never think of going out partying with five women without my girlfriend. Am I being too difficult?

[Tony T]

You're not going to like what I'm about to say but I think your lady enjoys the attention of these male friends, she enjoys being around guys who have crushes on her, and she's not yet ready to be married or settle down.

 

Further, and you're not going to like this either, but I think she would continue her associations with these guys after you were married.

 

I'm glad you're not wanting to be controlling here and I'm really glad you're looking into this. I do see a very serious problem here but your lady going out with these guys is only a symptom. Forget that part of it. The real problem as I see it is that your fiance is still into the club scene (once in a while is OK), she still enjoys the attention of other men (not a good sign at all), and she shows no respect to you by not curtailing these outings or stopping them at all for the sake of her relationship with you. She could easily compromise if she cared to.

 

I know you love her but you need to put your foot down here. If you don't, I promise this will continue into your marriage and you will not be a happy man. Once in a while, a lady going out with her friends is OK but making it a habit and going drinking with guys who have a crush on her would make any man feel uncomfortable.

 

Frankly, I think you're too good for her and if you step back a bit you may find many other areas of incompatibility you have not yet discovered during your love blindness.

 

You do seem to be getting some of your sight back, though.

 

This lady is NOT ready to be in a healthy marriage.

[Ed]

It doesn't matter if I or anyone else think you are being too difficult. The fact remains that you feel jealous and uncomfortable. Other peoples opinions about your feelings are not going to make you feel any different and will not help you one bit.

 

I am wondering why in the world you would want to get engaged and married to someone you feel jealous of and uncomfortable with? Those are both signs that there is a problem that needs to be resolved between the two of you.

 

You have no right to place any demands on your girlfriend or any other person you have an adult relationship with. However, you have every right to tell her how you feel about something she does or doesn't do, that you like or don't like.

 

What happens after you reveal your feelings to her is dependent upon the kind of relationship you have with her. Talking to her about your feelings is the best way to find out what kind of relationship you two have and whether it is strong enough to handle the give and take that a long term relationship requires.

 

If you want my opinion of her behavior, I would have to say it's probably not typical of someone in a committed relationship. But, it takes all kinds and everyone of us has to seek their own way in life.

 

My advice is for you to resolve this matter, one way or another, BEFORE marrying her or agreeing to marry her.

[Lauren]

I have to say that I read Tony's response. I would have to agree. It sounds like your fiance doesn't know how to behave like a lady. She seems like she is still caught up in the "club" scene; hanging out, getting the attention of other men (and possibly women being jealous of that attention), and basically strutting herself. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel or crude - because I don't know your fiance or your relationship with her. I can't imagine someone like you - obviously ready to make a lifelong commitment - being with someone that feels the need to associate with other men. If she prefers you not go because you don't drink - well, that is quite a weak excuse. She can still invite you. I don't drink - yet I am still invited and quite comfortable around a drinking group. There are other levels at which you can associate with people! If she is associating with these people purely because of the partying theme - then you really need to evaluate your future with this girl. It sounds like she is not ready for marriage no matter how much you love her and want it to work. Chances are that once married - she will feel "trapped" and once again seek an "association" with other people (more than likely other men). I am about to get engaged, just got the ring, and I am having trouble with an aspect of my girlfriend's life. She is great, 28, but she has a lot of male friends from her work place. The issue is that she (the only female) periodically goes out with 5 or 6 of these male friends for a night of hard partying at a club or sports event. She seems to be circumspect about these outings since she knows that I am uncomfortable with the mix. I can tell that she would prefer that I not go, possibly because I don't drink. The most recent included a guy she had a major crush on that rejected her and another guy who has a big crush on her. I told her that these outings and her being less than direct make me jealous and uncomfortable. I don't want to be controlling but I would never think of going out partying with five women without my girlfriend. Am I being too difficult?

[Lola]

I agree with Tony, "take a step back". Ask yourself this question: If I stopped working on this relationship, would we still make it?

 

Are you the only one contributing. If you can honestly say I don't know, or yes I am the only one, try this. For one week, don't do it. Every relationship should be give and take.

 

Analyze what you both want out of life. Do you both want the "American Dream": picket fence, 2.3 kids, a dog... blah, blah, blah or are you both city people? Do you agree on having kids, do you agree on the religious way they will be raised (even if it is none)? Do you have the same goals in life? Maybe 5 years ago you did, now yours are different and hers are the same? Even if you were perfectly compatible years ago, you might not be now. If you aren't, better that you find out before you get married. If you are, great!

[Lilly]

What was her response when you "told her that these outings and her being less than direct make me jealous and uncomfortable". ???