Author brenda829 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 I have read everything and it all seems very scarey, I don't know how I can relax...............I try and then I start worrying again:( Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 It's not going to help you or your child to be in a panic. Have you flown anyplace lately? It is not even close to easy. Make that a hundred times harder when it's a foreign parent alone with a child. Really. Calm down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 ok I have calmed down some, went for a walk with my beloved daughter and we talked, I have talked to her about the what ifs and what to do if her father takes her to a place she does not recongnize, she is clear on what she is to do if it should ever come down to it. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 ok I have calmed down some, went for a walk with my beloved daughter and we talked, I have talked to her about the what ifs and what to do if her father takes her to a place she does not recongnize, she is clear on what she is to do if it should ever come down to it. I really have no idea what you are going through here - it must be very distressing! But please consider what is best for your daughter here - and that is probably not to be caught between her mother and her father. What do you think she makes of all this? Please be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 5, 2006 Author Share Posted July 5, 2006 Yes, I do understand how you feel, but you don't know the whole story her father abuses me mentally, emotionally and verbally, I am not too sure about physically as he does puch me around and kicks me:( As far as that goes he does it right in front of her "what do you think that does to her?" I am not mad about you pointing that out but you must understand what she sees her father doing to me, and numerous times my daughter tells me she wishes he would stop!! I am trying to make her well aware of what her father could be capable of doing in case he gets the idea that I am preparing to separate and possibly divorce him.............In the very near future I am going to go to counselling along with my daughter so we both can get the help we need, I do know that this is not healthy for her, but what happens if her dad took her for a ride and never came back with her, don't you think it is only right for me to tell her the what if that should happen? Isn't it more safe for me to tell her what if her dad did take her somewhere away from my city and what she is to do in such a crisis?? I don't know what else I am to do, but I am trying to prepare her for it, I don't think there is no wrong or right way?? I am just doing the best I can do............Any suggestions anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 Brenda, your situation has been very much on my mind, and I have been going back and forth over whether I think it is "best" for you to take a strong defensive posture as we have been advising you to do. The pros are that you may reduce the risk to you and your daughter. The cons are that you may inadvertently add fuel to a flame - if he suspects the separation/divorce plans or if he gains new fear that his access to his daughter may be restricted. If there is any reasonable chance that a wholesome marriage could be built out of what you have described, the strong defensive posture would reduce that chance. I and others have certainly made assumptions about your husband, which may be unjustified. He never told his side of the story here. Maybe - just maybe - he is a traditional Turkish male who never learned how to treat a woman without physical violence, and would be willing to change his behavior given the right chance. But...even if this is a possibility...the associated risk of him NOT changing is too great. All in all, after much consideration, I feel quite sure that you should hope for the best, while assuming the worst. Based on everything you have said, the risk of abduction is non-negligible. You must assume it is a possibility. You don't have the resources (financial/legal/emotional) to get your daughter back from Turkey. You DO have the ability to keep her here with you. If he's got a plane ticket, it is imperative that he not have access to his daughter on or near that date, and that you take any and all necessary steps to keep her with you, including an emergency filing for separation and an emergency sole custody order. Your lawyer or Legal Aid office can help you with this. I understand that you have minimal financial and other reserves. Well, it maybe time to see just how springy that Canadian social welfare net can be. You and your daughter, penniless and living in a shelter and taking some training classes (dental hygienist or whatever) while you try to put a life back together, is a lot better than you, alone, fighting a battle against overwhelming odds. ...please consider what is best for your daughter here - and that is probably not to be caught between her mother and her father... True. In general, one would wish never to have to advise one's child about how to resist a parental abduction. In lesser parental disputes, involving garden variety choices like school, friends, room cleaning, the parents must present a united front even if one of them is a bit whacked. The other parent's authority must never be undermined. However, when a child's physical safety and future life are threatened, then a mother has a duty to protect as Brenda has done. There really aren't a lot of great, happy face courses of action for someone in Brenda's situation. There are some simple, stark choices that have to be based on some amount of speculation. Every single one of them has a downside. The choice must always come down in favor of avoiding the worse alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I am just doing the best I can do I don't doubt that at all. I think you are an amazing person for coping so well with an extremely distressing situation for you (and for your daughter). And I totally agree with what you have said, SoleMate. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I am American, so I don't know Canadian law. I do know that when I travelled to Canada without my husband that I had to have a letter signed by him saying it was OK to take our daughter out of the country. That said, though, no one at the border ever asked to see that letter. I would contact the police to let them know this is a possibility so they will put some kind of alert out to airlines should he be traveling with your daughter. A parental consent letter would be easy to forge. But I would also let the police know that if your husband finds out you've talked to them, he might harm you and your daughter. In other words, tell the police all of your situation. I think you are wise to advise your daughter about what to do should the worst happen. How old is she? It sounds like you need to get away from him and take out an order of protection against him, if you have such a thing in Canada, so that he can't come near you or your daughter. Please keep posting as you can. Prayers for your and your daughter's shalom. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Hi I would like to thank you all for your great encouragement:) my daughter is 6 years of age, I wish I did not have to feel like I have to warn her of the terrible what if her dad were to take her out of the province or the country what she is to do. It really saddens me that I can't trust the person I was so much in love with before:( That is life. Link to post Share on other sites
magichands Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 It really saddens me that I can't trust the person I was so much in love with before:( That is life. I feel really sad for you too. Makes you think that he still has to be in there... somewhere. (?) Life sucks sometimes, but there's always some good. I'm glad you have a great relationship with your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 Yes, me and my daughter have a very close relationship:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 right now I can't stand that I have to resort to doing this to him, my daughters father:( I am so mad at myself that I married a foreigner with different morals and beliefs. I know that all foreigners are not like this and I am not judging all of them as I have my husband, sorry if I did not word this right, when the father said he would not marry us because of our different beliefs I understand now. Maybe that was his way of saying it would never work out Link to post Share on other sites
C1123 Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I don't know about Canada, but in U.S., you need both parents present to get a passport. Does your child have a passport? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brenda829 Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 NO..............I would not even think twince to get my beloved daughter a passport.Turkey is just too far from Canada for me to even ever consider sending my daughter to that part of the world, two completely different worlds. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts