I haven't cheated physically, but my heart's not in it anymore

[Horse]

You want your husband to fight for your marriage, when you are not willing to.

 

You want passion out of your marriage, yet you are not willing to put any energy and passion into it.

 

Sounds bad, but I don't think it is that unusual to develop feelings for someone else when things become routine and the love that you feel becomes more familial than romantic. I don't even think it is necessarily bad.

 

It can be a wake up call. It can help you realize that your relationship is slowly dying because you (probably both of you) are not putting enough energy into keeping it alive. You can take all of the mixed up feeling that you have for random guy at work and redirect them towards your husband. Talk and help each other remember why you fell in love and how it was when you had butterflies for each other.

 

Your husband hasn't had this wakeup call, so yes you will have to be very blunt. You don't have to name names... Just wake him up.

 

This situation is only bad if you continue to ignore your marriage and obsess on this dude. If you do that your marriage will get worse and worse until it fails.

 

On the other hand. If you have been rejecting him for a couple years now, and you don't have any kids, your husband might be happier if you left him. He can make a clean break and find someone willing to work with him to build a great marriage.

[aaaBBBccc]

So it's been a while since I originally posted, and I apologize to those of you who posted some very meaningful replies and questions and I haven't written back. We've been very busy for the last few weeks - vacations, work, etc. and I haven't found much time at home alone during which I could sit down and reply to what I've read so far.

 

The question that came up most is whether or not my decreasing enthusiasm in my marriage started when I met the OM. Yes and no. This is not the first time I've had a crush on another man, but this is the first time it's been this long-lasting and the first time it's had such a profound effect on me. "julieg" said:

"As long as you are constantly daydreaming and fantisizing about this other guy you literally have no emotional space available for your husband and your marriage. your mind is somehow confused and "committed" to this other man. "

and she was right on the money. I feel like I don't have room to love my husband because I am so infatuated with this OM. And my lack of passion in the bedroom is certainly related to the fact that I sometimes think I'd rather be with the OM. But this is something I would NEVER reveal to my H - I would never be that cruel.

 

I have been contemplating counseling more these days, but hope to center it more on the fact that I think I'm "bored" in my marriage rather than because I am thinking of another man. Yes, my H and I have talked about the decrease in my libido, and I talked with my OB/GYN a while back and she had me go off the pill for a few months to see if that would help, but it didn't and she didn't seem concerned by it. I'm going to bring it up again the next time I see her, because I still think it's possible that something chemical would help. But I still wouldn't reveal that another cause could be feelings for someone else - my H is not emotionally strong enough for something like that.

 

Believe me, I have told myself that I am not being fair to him by not being honest, but I don't see any way to tell him everything without it having some completely undesirable effects without also (hopefully) bringing us together again. I'm sure that we'd have to find some way for me to leave my job since I see the OM at work all the time - and as I mentioned before, I really like my job and don't want to leave it.

 

And I have tried distancing myself from the OM - he travels a lot for work and about a year ago, he had been with his GF for 3 years so I had sort of convinced myself it would never work out the way I had fantasized and I tried to rededicate myself to my marriage. It didn't last long. He broke up with her and stopped travelling for a while, so we had more contact again and my feelings kept growing. And we've spent more time together over the last few months (work related, and even a day at the spa since he didn't want to go to get a massage by himself and he knows I love to go) and we just have such a good time together. He even said he knows he's getting older and is more willing to settle down now that he was a year ago. We share a lot of the same ideas about life, he's got a strong religious background (something my H doesn't and I wish did), and we both love our jobs - all things which I think would make us great together.

 

"Trimmer" asked about my 5-year plan, if could come up with one - and of course I can! I fantasize about it all the time! It's not realistic, but ideally, my H and I would agree that we are not happy in our marriage, try to work at it for a few months (and I would honestly try - he is worth it), realize we can't, divorce, either sell the house or I keep it (no reason for him to, and I make more money), I take some time on my own and 6-8 months from then test the waters with the OM (assuming of course he hasn't already found someone -agh!). A year later we'd be engaged and then live happily ever after. Biggest glitch? Either the OM or I would have to change jobs since I am his boss. Easist part? H and I don't have kids yet, so no trauma inflicted there - and I don't plan to start having a family with him until I am convinced we are going to be fine and I can commit myself fully to him and a family.

 

So things haven't changed much, I still think about the OM every day, even though I haven't seen him now for four weeks and won't for another 2. I am considering counseling, but have been trying to come with the right time and way to bring it up. H and I just went on a vacation for 2 1/2 weeks, and I was hoping I might be swayed by being with him for so long away from the OM, but it was just the same as ever. We're more like roommates than husband and wife. He is a good guy, very smart, doesn't treat me poorly, etc - but he just doesn't make my heart flutter like he used to. And yes he used to, but as I look back on things, that may have been more about the "newness" of our relationship than my being "head over heels" for him. Our temperaments match well, we never fight about anything (another sign that we're missing something?), he keeps me grounded (I can be impractical and impulsive - but he also lacks spontaneity), and the sex is good when it happens (but has also been the same for YEARS). So many reasons why he is a good guy for me, but I seem to come up with something to counteract each one. I feel like I am constantly looking for a way out.

 

Thanks again to all for responding, letting me know I am not along, and making me think. I am fairly confident that I would never cheat on my H, he deserves better, but I have certainly felt like I am not being faithful to him by letting someone else into my heart.

[Trimmer]

I have been contemplating counseling more these days, but hope to center it more on the fact that I think I'm "bored" in my marriage rather than because I am thinking of another man.

I assume you are talking about marriage counseling for both of you... I think you should try some individual counseling, where you can honestly and openly explore your feelings about the OM, Because I think that is central to your situation, and I think keeping them hidden from the counseling process will just about guarantee that it turns out to be a waste of time.

 

But I still wouldn't reveal that another cause could be feelings for someone else - my H is not emotionally strong enough for something like that.

 

Believe me, I have told myself that I am not being fair to him by not being honest, but I don't see any way to tell him everything without it having some completely undesirable effects without also (hopefully) bringing us together again. I'm sure that we'd have to find some way for me to leave my job since I see the OM at work all the time - and as I mentioned before, I really like my job and don't want to leave it.

Well, if I'm reading you right, it sounds like you've made your choices - job and OM over your husband....

 

 

I am fairly confident that I would never cheat on my H, he deserves better, but I have certainly felt like I am not being faithful to him by letting someone else into my heart.

Well, "cheating", "faithful", and "infidelity" are all just semantic arguments we can have some other time. Whatever you call it, I think it's a pretty vague line between what you are doing and what you say you would never do (are you just referring to physical sex?) The bottom line is you've left him and hidden that fact from him, and yes you are right: any spouse deserves better.

 

Incidentally, my suggestion to consider a 5 year plan was intended as an exercise in reality, not in fantasy. What do you think will really happen? We're talking about the road you are actually going to set out upon; it would benefit you to consider it in honest, realistic terms....

 

I think you are avoiding some things that you will not be able to avoid forever:

 

(*) Dealing honestly with your husband about the current state of your marriage;

(*) Dealing honestly with your husband about your extracirricular activities;

(*) Considering realistically the likely outcome of leaving your marriage and starting up with the OM.

 

You are avoiding making a choice yourself, basically hoping that your husband will spontaneously come around and re-attract you, and solve your problem for you, but without your being willing to honestly engage him in the process. And if he doesn't come through, you'll be able to feel like he made the choice for you... Boy, he's fighting for his marriage, and he doesn't even know it.

 

In looking back over all of this, I also realize that you have painted yourself into a bit of a corner with respect to your job:

(1) if you reconcile with your husband and repair your marriage, you have said that you would expect to have to change jobs to avoid contact with the OM;

(2) yet, if you leave your husband, and start up with the OM, you'll have to change jobs, since you are his boss;

 

So this must be adding to the pressure you must feel that "concealment" is your only remaining option - hide things from your husband, your employer (who you may already be exposing to problems from a superior/subordinate relationship...), and I still ultimately believe you are hiding from yourself what you are doing and how deep in you are.

 

In the end, I can't say it any better than silktricks did:

They can either choose to work on their marriage (remember that commitment word?) or they can choose to end their marriage, or they can choose to cheat.

Feelings "just happen"; the choices we make define us.

[MrDarcy]

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

When compared to a fantasy, real life always comes up short.

 

And my lack of passion in the bedroom is certainly related to the fact that I sometimes think I'd rather be with the OM. But this is something I would NEVER reveal to my H - I would never be that cruel.

 

Hello? You're already being cruel. I'd say you being infactuated with another man behind your husbands back scores way higher on the cruelness scale.

 

I may be oversimplyfying, but you come off a child that's gotten bored with her toy and has seen a beautiful toy in the toystore and is fantasizing about how great the new toy will be. And then after a while, the child will get bored with the new toy.

 

Now I'm not letting your husband off the hook, he could actually be boring, but he has not done anything to deserve this.

However, this isn't about him, nor is it about the OM. It's about you. It seems from your posts that you have done nothing but avoid responsibility. You have to stop running and take responsibility for your actions and your behaviour.