Gay possibly?

[silentjuliet]

I don't know. I'm in love with someone I shouldn't be. (I'm taken but that will be changing soon) He is a guyfriend. I've been dealing with mixed signals from him for quite some time and we are getting closer friendship-wise via email. I do see him in person every weekend or so when all the guys get together at my house to have dinner and watch movies.

 

That said...I'm really starting to consider he could be gay. A little about him: He is middle aged and doesn't desire to marry. Or so he says. He doesn't date and has no interest to date -- so he says. And he's a "loner" he says. Okay, since I first met him to present he has changed quite a bit since we became closer. He and I both equally sought a mutual friendship. It was clearly mutual the desire to be friends...meeting each other half-way to more communication. And he is incredibly shy and reserved ESPECIALLY with women.

 

He has told me that our "association" makes him question being a loner. But he isn't quite declaring romantic interest ...at all really. That could just mean that me as a person NOT a woman makes him question the joys of having close friends and spending time with people (instead of being a hermit).

 

At the same time he is always dropping hints about how he's an honest man but that he is decieving people. He needs to "come clean" before he'll be forced to. He wants to voluntarily come clean first. I don't know what all this means but he says he is decieving people out of "Guilt, Shame, and Embarrassment" Clearly, I can't be psychic and know what he's referring to but given his ...lonely lifestyle and fear of being with women (he claims insecurity, low self esteem, and accepting who he "is" instead of who he "wishes to be" ) lead me to wonder if he is gay. My wishful thinking was that it had something to do with having feelings for me...a taken woman but the part about "embarrassment" throws that off.

 

He has used those three words as well to say why he has alienated himself from the family that loves him and a couple of his close friends. One of his close friends is a gay man but they have lost a lot of contact throughout the years.

 

For the record all our mutual guyfriends have asked him if he's gay...on individual one on one basis' ...and all the guys are "sensitive" "open minded" fellows that he genuinely likes. And he professes being a straight man that is celebate due to just liking being "alone" and suffering two major heart breaks from women. He also says there just isn't an interest in being with a woman. That means commitment wise but I'm sure sexual falls under that too. And in this is military lifestyle that would definitely make him profess something like being straight even if it's not true.

 

His closeness to me makes me question his sexuality because he's nervous around me in person...around women on a daily basis. And he seems to give me a LOT of attention via email/in person. It doesn't feel like "girlfriends" ...but at this point I'm not sure how if feels between us. I just know I'm in love with him and I have no clue his true orientation or his feelings. So the vibe I get isn't gay in nature but the vibe isn't romantic either. But overall it is very caring, close, and affectionate.

 

What I'm asking is ...from people of the culture or with more experience with gay men...is there a pretty good chance he might be gay? Or am I showing how naive I am to think anything like this is an indication? Would a gay man go out of his way (when he normally is intimidated by women) and be so verbally so far friendly-affectionate to a "girl" friend of his if he desires men? He is such a gentleman and very attentive to me. He makes me feel like a feminine woman. But at the same time there is a way about him that isn't typical straight guy like in nature. It wouldn't change my affection for him in the least...but it will make me feel quite sad that I can't pursue further one day and that if he feels "Shame, embarrassment, guilt" over his (possible homosexuality) then I'm very worried for him and his depression and that he eludes a life with male companions due to those feelings.

[Chingy]

Couldn't he be bisexual......?

[Guest]

Couldn't he be bisexual......?

 

 

I guess so...

[dt1973]

Maybe he has social anxiety??

 

I have this a little bit, but not to the point of this guy you're talking about. When I meet a girl I'm interested in, depending on the girl, if she's really gorgious and like my dream girl and not the crazy party type, I get reallyyyy slow and cautious too. I don't get nervious like him tho, so I'm not too extreme to the point of her wondering if I'm gay (At least I hope not ).. but I know some poeple got more anxiety than I do. And that's a pretty common behavior for guys with more extreme social anxiety. Maybe you should ask him about that?

[silentjuliet]

Maybe he has social anxiety??

 

I have this a little bit, but not to the point of this guy you're talking about. When I meet a girl I'm interested in, depending on the girl, if she's really gorgious and like my dream girl and not the crazy party type, I get reallyyyy slow and cautious too. I don't get nervious like him tho, so I'm not too extreme to the point of her wondering if I'm gay (At least I hope not ).. but I know some poeple got more anxiety than I do. And that's a pretty common behavior for guys with more extreme social anxiety. Maybe you should ask him about that?

 

Hi, thank you so much for replying. He DOES indeed have social anxiety. Or anxiety in general and used to be on medication for it. I'm on medication as well for anxiety issues so that was another topic we started discussing when we first became friends. He says he's very insecure and only likes to be intimate with people he's in love with and would be comfortable with and unfortuantly, who he fell in love with in the past didn't return it and otherwise he just doesn't have the desire any longer to look for or have a relationship. He says he has resigned to being a loner because throughout the years he became comfortable being that way and can't imagine having a relationship in his future. (sometimes I think this is because of his insecurities and low self-esteem).

 

Deep down I feel like he can't be gay. Just the way it feels when we're around each other and the way he treats me. In the beginning he would get so nervous his hands would actually shake sometimes when he was holding a drink ...or his voice would almost whisper and he's cover his mouth when he talked. Now he's come a long way with me and is much more confident although still quite awkward around me. I am attractive, kind, and intelligent so if he's straight and I know he's shy...then this would explain things for me. I wouldn't think a gay man would be so nervous with a woman since there isn't an attraction or concern with attraction. But I could be assuming the wrong things. Everything else about his orientation is speculation which is unjust since it's a stereotype...just because a man is in his upper middle age and a loner doesn't mean he's this or that.

 

If he was bisexual which could always be possible about anyone I wouldn't have a problem with that as I've dated someone of that orientation before. But all out gay ...it would break my heart.

 

Thanks for your feedback. It's appreciated.

[dt1973]

No prob. I'm just like him, a loner too.. but I do date but yeah it's really difficult sometimes. Haha that's funny if he get's nervous like that. Yeah I don't think a gay dude would get nervous. That be like me gettin nervous playing basketball with some guy. Just wouldn't happen. I think u should make the first move since u seem like the more dominant one. If he likes u I think it be a huge relief off his shoulder.