I screwed up...

[beriwhit123]

Hi Mr. Gerbick,

I am without my true love now. I continued to talk to him or see him three days per week even though he had left me for someone else. I missed him and did not know how to carry on without him. I looked forward to seeing him, the little time I was allowed. Now I realize letting him go and me carrying on by myself is what has to happen. I needed to worry about myself, what will be will be. I know he loves me and misses me. He has told me that each and everytime I saw him. But he continuted to see her. Done.

You and me both need to work on ourselves. Your women will come back again, if it is ment to be. But when she comes back this time she will give you the relationship you are looking for 50/50. She told you she wants to work it out, now just wait for her to call you, her to email you. Do not call or speak to her unless she makes the effort. Then when that happens make the time together happy. Make a fresh start, get over what she did and who she was with while you were apart and move on to a new beginning with her.

 

Good Luck

[mr.gerbick]

Me and her talked today. It was and up and down conversation. But basically, I explained to her things I needed to heal if I was to work on the reconciling a relationship with her at the same time.

 

The whole three hour conversation came down to me asking what she thinks about dating other people during this period. It is something I feel I needed to know to work on myself and us at the same time, because it has obviously been one of things that I have been obsessing about because she goes out a lot more than me. Most likely, one of the biggest. At first, she sort of danced around the question, but I just said...you haven't answered my question yet. Which my question was do you think it is okay to date other people during this period we are going through? She sort of got upset. She said without me even asking the answer was 99% no, but she said that she wished I wouldn't have brought it up. I explained that to heal in the current process, with talking about getting back together slowly, I feel that I need that varification from her, that she is not going to be dating, because the whole reason I am in the situation and the state I am in spawned from her dating. I didn't like when she dated, but I didn't flip out until she slept with someone either, now if I found out she went on a date, added to the state I am/was in, who knows how I would react. I said, I don't want her to do anything she don't want to do, she has a choice, but if she still wants to go out on dates, then I would have to cut the strings and heal by myself, otherwise what would be the point of trying to heal the other way. She said she understands and respects the way I feel, but does not agree, because she would just be going on dates to have a good time, do something new. She says she will not date, because she loves me and does want me to get better and try to work on things, but she still seemed bitter about it. She said its not the fact of dating, it is the fact that I brought it up, and she just wanted things like that to happen natrually. She said she feels like she is one step closer to being my girlfriend again, when she just wants to take it slow. I can understand her point to an extent, but I feel like I needed that reassurance to start my healing process, so I won't be sitting in on friday nights wondering what she is doing and give her time and space. Like I said, there is always another option for her, if this is too hard to deal with, it would hurt like hell for me, but we can always just cut the strings and go our own seperate ways. Either way, I am tired of feeling sh*tty all the time and just want to get better with or without her, preferably with her because I do love her.

 

I really don't mean to push her, and that is not my intent my intent is trying to make myself better and being able to give her things that she wants such as time and space and take this slow, but I truley feel this needed to be considered first. Does it sound like I am trying to force her back into in the relationship? Does my side of it make any sense at all?

[KittenMoon]

I think this sounds like the most productive thing you have done yet. You had a right to know if she would be dating during this period, not just to know she was dating, but to know if YOU could date as well. I think its a good sign she agreed not to, but if she seemed resentful of it that might a tough thing. This girl sounds kinda all over the place soemtimes.

[mr.gerbick]

well, she knows that I wouldn't date. I haven't been on a date since we split, I never really wanted to.

 

I think the thing she is pissed about is the fact that I waited 3 weeks to bring it up and during that three weeks couldn't leave her alone. I kind of have been dancing around the subject for awhile. I told her that I think this is what I needed to give her what she needs, so I am not sitting in going crazy all of the time. I would go crazy about a lot of things, but now I have some leverage in my mind to say "hey, stop. she isn't out with anyone!" Like I said, she was more upset that it took me this long to discover this is what I needed, because I have been stressing her out, she did say quite a few times that she feels like she is giving me what I need, but I am not giving it in return, and it is just one step closer to us being a couple again, when she wants to take it slow.

 

I could honestly say that I feel much better after knowing this, I did apologize to her and say my head is still cloudy from everything so maybe I just didn't know what I needed for the past three weeks, but I think knowing this will allow me to give her space now.

[mr.gerbick]

I am feeling kind of unsure today. I have been thinking about things, probably too much, and after getting other peoples opinions...I guess I am a little unsure on how she was so defensive to my question. It just makes me wonder...you know? Does anyone else have an opinoin on this?

[maclad]

I am feeling kind of unsure today. I have been thinking about things, probably too much, and after getting other peoples opinions...I guess I am a little unsure on how she was so defensive to my question. It just makes me wonder...you know? Does anyone else have an opinoin on this?

 

I feel for you mate, you sound just like me. I worry about what is said too much too. I think you're going to have to distract your attention in some way. You really need to look at the bigger picture, a relationship is often just a transient thing, you should be working on improving yourself in some way for the future.

 

As for the relationship, perhaps you should start going out more. Like someone said earlier, you need to make yourself more desireable. You should get out there and flirt with a few girls, it'll make you feel more desireable and it'll make her think so too so long as you don't go overboard!

Perhaps your head is too battered to even think about that, I know mine is, but after a few beers everything seems easier!

[Guest]

Wow. I stumbled across this forum quite by accident, but have spent quite a long period of time reading this particular string with much amazement. I can't say much that hasn't already been said. But a few thoughts spring to my mind.

 

(1) You keep saying over and over and over again that you can't get over the fact that she slept with someone else WHEN YOU WERE NOT TOGETHER. As you've very clearly stated, you were not together and whether you like it or not, she could do whatever she wanted. Plain and simple. If the issue is her morals (and not having any b/c she slept with someone else) - well, do you really want to be with someone like that? If the issue is disease - don't sleep with her until she's been to a doctor. Other than that, the issue should be dead. Dead, dead, dead. If you find you can't get over that issue now, then you probably never will.

 

(2) From a female perspective, I will state the same thing that's been mentioned a few times. Women do not find needy men appealing. If she does, then she's playing you........she knows she can get you to do anything she wants. That's a fact.

 

(3) You've stated a few times that you went 'crazy' and flipped out, especially when you found out that she was seeing someone else. That right there is a very clear indication that you have things that YOU need to work on before you drag her back into it. You will never be happy until you take care of yourself.

 

(4) This is only my personal opinion here, but if you are not truly *back together*......you have no right to expect that she will not date anyone else. Nor should she expect the same of you. How can you truly give someone space if you ask questions like that? I know you said you feel better just knowing that, but perhaps it made her uncomfortable that you even asked. Maybe what she said was meant to pacify you. After all, you keep asking her questions and it seems that no matter how she responds, you keep coming back with even more. You calm down when she responds favorably......yet her actions sometimes say otherwise. Words are words. Actions speak volumes.

 

(5) NEVER seek reassurance from anyone else. Always seek reassurance from yourself, and yourself only.

 

I don't mean to sound like a b*tch....far from it. See, I've been in the same boat as you are, and all it did for me was ruin a perfectly good relationship. I finally called an end to it after two years because I knew we were going to go nowhere if I kept acting the way I was. After two years of 'growing up' we are talking again and things are much different than they were before. So the old adage that 'if it was meant to be.....it will happen' - that's very true. Back off now, save both yourself and her some major heartache.....work out the issues that need to be worked out, THEN see how things might be. It's hard, I can tell you that. But in the long run, it will be worth it - one way or the other.

 

Good luck :-)