Author uksurfer Posted June 1, 2006 Author Posted June 1, 2006 Oh, and just another quick question for anyone who's listening. How the hell do I handle Friday night when we're both going to be sat here in our house on her last night there? And how the hell do I handle helping her move out of our house into her rented room on Saturday? How should I act? What should I say? What should I do? What kind of emotions should I show? Nonchalance? Pain? Anger? Friendliness? Love? Hurt? Should I ask to sleep in the same bed for old time's sake? Probably not a good idea, but still... I want her to do this and realise she's making a huge mistake. Realise that because of her stupid issues with commitment, she's going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her. I really do. But I don't want to let her know that this is absolutely, without question, killing me dead. Like I said earlier, over IM, email, and text, we're having the same kind of daft, meaningless, fun, and friendly conversations that we've always had - since the day we met. I've just had an IM conversation with her tonight, initiated by her. Half an hour of talking crap like we used to. No mention of 'us' or the relationship at all. That's one of the things she really liked about me - that we could just talk about nothing in particular and that I'd make her laugh. She says I still make her laugh, and she says I still say all the right things to her. I like doing that. I like talking with her like this. I guess that tailed off a little the last year or so, but doing it again is giving me the same kind of feelings I had when we first met. I wonder if it's doing the same for her? All together now: arrrrgghhh!!!
Love Hurts Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Clues, you and the kids are just always there. She is looking at her age and wondering if she youth enough left in her to captivate a new man and move on. Obviously the ring is off. Ok........ depression is a chemical factor that sneaks up on us, left untreated it can destroy relationships and lives. Possible she is going through a chemical imbalance. Which could be treated and she could be her happy self once again. Or the hard reality is........... she may have awoke one morning and said to herself, I am not happy. He thinks I am... but I feel empty inside. Rather than discuss it with you to try to amend this...... she left it build up to the point of no return. Now she has made an adamant decission within to walk away. She could use a good medical check up. Suggest marriage counseling. God Bless
RecordProducer Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I started to get a little lost. She saw all this in me. But I honestly thought that there was enough commitment and love and history between us to work through those problems, and the fact that she seems to be just 'running away' from it cuts deeper than anything else. More than anything else, I just wanted her to help me get through itSharing life with someone means you share good AND BAD. You don't run away from problems, you try to solve them. Abandoning the sinking ship is not how you build a good marriage. If she looks for perfection, she will never find it. Now she will face much more serious problems and she will face them ALONE. Obviously she needs some kind of freedom, but freedom costs and sooner than you think she will probably be begging you to take her back. I still think she has found someone else and that's the reason for her sudden move. The online contacts she hid from you speak about her interest in other men. How you should act now? Well if you want her back, in any case be friendly and attractive. Try to seduce her. We fall for the people with whom we have a lot of fun and whom we find interesting. But now that you will be separated, she might sleep with someone else. Could you take her back after that? I would have this discussion with her; ask her if she plans to date and sleep with other men. If I were you, I would let her know that if there is any chance for the two of you to be together again in the fututre, she shouldn't sleep with others and then come back to you when she gets disappointed in other men.
Guest Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Anytime I have ever said, "I'm not right for you", etc. what I meant was, "you're not right for me", but I was trying to spare the feelings of the person I was telling those things to... chin up, and just take care of those children. Must keep things steady and orderly -- calm and peaceful -- for them. Force yourself to stick to your routines with them (parks, bikerides, whatever you enjoy with them). They will watch how you go through this and learn lessons about relationships, even though they are so small. Remain the gentleman, stay poised, focused... Yes, I *desperately* want to save this. But the problem is that she seems to have made her mind up. I know her, and the more I try to force her to do something, the more resolute she'll be. So I need to go along with this for now, and give her the space she needs. I'm also not going to act like I could care less, either. For a start, she already knows that that's not how I feel. Sure, I need to start rebuilding my life and get myself back on track, and that will make me appear to be moving on. Plus, we're always going to have the kids between us, too, so I don't think that there can ever be a complete emotional detatchment. I just hope that she realises what she's going to be losing. By the way, she's also said things like "she doesn't think that she's the right person for me", and that "I deserve someone better than her". Any idea what I can read into that, because as far as I'm concerned, she *is* the right person for me, and i can't imagine there being anyone better. Thanks again for your advice, too.
Author uksurfer Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 She could use a good medical check up. Suggest marriage counseling. Hmmm, been through all this and no dice. I know people split up all the time, but this is really just the weirdest way for it to happen. In my opinion anyway. And most people I've talked to, too. She goes tomorrow and she's either going to miss me and the kids desperately, or she's going to get into this room and think "thank god for that - freedom!" f***.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 How the hell do I handle Friday night when we're both going to be sat here in our house on her last night there? And how the hell do I handle helping her move out of our house into her rented room on Saturday? How should I act? What should I say? What should I do? What kind of emotions should I show? Nonchalance? Pain? Anger? Friendliness? Love? Hurt? Should I ask to sleep in the same bed for old time's sake? Probably not a good idea, but still... I want her to do this and realise she's making a huge mistake. You have to take a stance, uksurfer. Frankly, I can't understand why you are letting her get away with this. I believe in everything that LadyJane says: if you don't change, then nothing will change!! If you want her to realize this is a mistake, then you have to act strong and in control of your emotions on Friday. Show her the best you can be - the fun, intelligent, cocky guy that she fell in love with. Remember, this is the last image of you that she will take with her. So make it good! But I know that you will keep posting here with the same ole story. Do you realize that she wants change?? And you are still stuck in the same place! Geez.. wake up!
Author uksurfer Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 If you want her to realize this is a mistake, then you have to act strong and in control of your emotions on Friday. Show her the best you can be - the fun, intelligent, cocky guy that she fell in love with. Remember, this is the last image of you that she will take with her. So make it good! Yeah. That's the plan. I know I'm getting repetitive now. Sorry. I'm just finding this exceptionally difficult - which I think is probably more to do with her not really appearing to want much responsibility when it comes to the kids - nevermind me, or the house, or the bills, or the mortgage. That is really upsetting me. I guess it's only going to make me stronger, though. And maybe once she's out of the house, I'll have a different view of it all.
Ladyjane14 Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Yeah. That's the plan. I know I'm getting repetitive now. Sorry. I'm just finding this exceptionally difficult - which I think is probably more to do with her not really appearing to want much responsibility when it comes to the kids - nevermind me, or the house, or the bills, or the mortgage. That is really upsetting me. I guess it's only going to make me stronger, though. And maybe once she's out of the house, I'll have a different view of it all. You're apologizing again. Stop it.... before I turn Dgiirl loose on ya!!! Anyway, KHLF's has a great point in that it's time to choose your ground. Where are you gonna stand in all this? 'Cause like the old saying goes...when you don't stand for something, you can fall for ANYTHING. Why not concentrate on YOU and what you want to do? Start moving your life in the direction that you want it to take you. Be tough and vigilent in maintaining the integrity of your personal goals. Stand by them. Your WW has too much control about what happens next. All her options are still open, but you're still living your life in limbo. Why is that? Why is she in charge of what happens next in YOUR life? You know, she's got her thermostat set to 'crash and burn'. What do you think is gonna happen when she meets the 24-year old's parents and realizes that she has more in common generationally with his MOTHER than she does with him? Her ego is being fed pretty good right now before those kind of realities have to be addressed, but later on.... it's gonna be a different ball-game. You'd be wise to be a little bit selfish right now, and decide where you want to be in your life when all that comes down. Put you and your kids in a safe situation where you can 'circle the wagons' and protect your new lifestyle. Your WW's own mother has said that 'this is the way she is'. What that means essentially is that NOTHING you do is going to affect her at a fundamental level. That leaves you in a situation in which you must place the needs of yourself and your children as paramount. So in realistic terms, probably the best question you can ask yourself is "Where do I want to be in my life one year from now". Then you can start moving in that direction, and keeping your eye on the prize.
Author uksurfer Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 You're apologizing again. Stop it.... before I turn Dgiirl loose on ya!!! Y'know, I think I quite like the sound of that! You know, she's got her thermostat set to 'crash and burn'. Yep, if only I could find the f***ing on/off switch! So in realistic terms, probably the best question you can ask yourself is "Where do I want to be in my life one year from now". Then you can start moving in that direction, and keeping your eye on the prize. Not really thought about that. Up until this afternoon, I'd probably have answered that in a year from now, I'd really like to have sorted all of this s*** out with my wife, and be back to doing fun stuff as a family with the kids, constantly telling each other we love each other again, and making plans for our own damned future together. Am I wrong to still want that? As for choosing my ground, how does that work? What the hell are my options? She knows how I feel about her still. And she knows I don't want any of this to happen. And I really don't want to rant, rave and get upset, which will push her away faster than she's already traveling. Should my ground be that I'm gonna hold the door open for as long as I can so if she does feel that she's made a mistake than she knows she can come and talk to me. Or should I tell her that I want no contact at all other than arranging for her to see the kids? Or should I simply accept in my head and my heart (as difficult as it is) that she's moved out, let her do her thing no matter how damned embarrasing it looks for her, carry on chatting to her via email, IM and text as normal, get on with sorting my own life/finances/happiness out, consider that us getting back together is just ONE of the thousands of outcomes that MIGHT happen, and take it from there? Actually, that last one sounds best to me. s***, I'd never have thought that I was *this* sensible. Incidentally, I arrived home about an hour ago (wife still at work for a few hours yet) to discover that all her cases are packed and ready to go. Makeup and bathroom stuff is in a crate. CD's have been sorted through. Shoes are boxed. Personal stuff in bags. That tore through me like a 4 foot serated blade and I broke right down there and then. BUT, it means that the upset and shock are out of the way now, and she won't see it happen later - or even tomorrow. That's a good thing. I think I'm going to show her that I'm really pleased and happy that she's going. That'll throw her for a curve. Hey, should I even get her a moving out present? s***, this whole episode is just so ridiculous that I still just keep expecting some crappy TV presenter to jump out from behind a fence any minute and shout "gotcha!! - joke's on you!!!" Actually, if that happened, I just could not be responsible for my actions - or any physical and bloody violence that ensued. It would be a f***ing rampage!! Again, sorry for posting. (C'mon, bring on the dgiirl!! )
dgiirl Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Again, sorry for posting. (C'mon, bring on the dgiirl!! ) HAHA, I'm a little rusty but I think I can find my whips and chains somewhere in these boxes What LJ's trying to say is stop appologizing for the way you feel and stop appologizing for venting. From someone who's been there, I know how hard it is to put on a straight face and act "as if" when your heart is being ripped in two. Logically, we know it's what we should do, but putting that into practice is so much harder. So dont for a second appologize or beat yourself up (that's my job) because you have an emotional moment. Heck, what kind of person would you be if you didnt get emotional? The only problem is, the best way to get her back or/and move on is to act as if. Focusing on yourself helps you to work on your own self esteem, which ultimately makes you attractive again (possibly to her, and definitely to others). So it's a win win situation. As for standing your ground, the trick is to demand respect without putting any ultimatiums on her. Her coming home and flaunting her new guy in front of you is VERY disrespectful and you should tell her you'd appreciate it if she would keep that information to herself. Telling her you never want to talk to her again until this guy is out of the picture is an ultimatium, and it's a bit risky to take that. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. I think for the kids sake, you want to remain civil with her, but you're not going to be her best friend either. It's knowing how much you can give away without losing your own dignity.
Author uksurfer Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 HAHA, I'm a little rusty but I think I can find my whips and chains somewhere in these boxes What LJ's trying to say is stop appologizing for the way you feel and stop appologizing for venting. I'm not really apologising for posting. I was just baiting you. And whips and chains? Did I say I'd be round in 5 years? I actually meant 5 minutes. But yeah, I don't want to land her with any ultimatums because the way she's being right now, it could all go badly mis-shaped. Civil is good. I honestly think I've been damned civil so far, and I've only snapped once. It was a big old snap, though, but a good one nonetheless. Yep, civil is good for the soul. Anyhoo, let me get through tonight (when she/we tells the kids she's leaving them) and then tomorrow (when she actually moves out), and I'll get myself some beers in tomorrow evening and see how I feel then. Anyone on MSN mesenger tomorrow wanna listen to me wallow? Dgiirl? Heh. Actually, that's gotten me thinking. What normally happens on the last night together in the house - the night right before your spouse moves out because she's losing the plot, she's set her thermo to crash and burn, and she's doing some kind of crazy left-brained, unbalanced, mental acrobatic routine? Do you reminisce? Talk? Cry? Laugh? Have sex? Argue? Get into a big punch up? Will the police be called? Will I need to get her into a headlock? Will I need a straightjacket? Should I go out and buy tranquilisers? Or an elephant gun. How about getting the coastguard on standby? Or will she do the usual and sit opposite me in the living room compulsively chatting to this 24 year old and not saying a word to me, before taking her laptop to bed, setting it on the pillow next to her, tucking it in, and snuggling right up to it? Naked. Happy f***ing life, eh?
dgiirl Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 I didnt really have any build up to the event. Didnt even see it coming. He came home at 9pm on Valentines day night, watched an hour of tv with me, then turned to me and said he wanted a divorce and there was pretty much nothing to say. He slept in the guest bedroom that night. We both went to work the next morning (i've always left way earlier than him). He came home around 7pm, boxed his most prized possession (computer) and some clothes and moved to his parents. Before leaving, he had this whole fricken speech about how nasty of a person i was and how the universe was going to get me, blah blah blah. It was a total shocker. The things he said to me, i cant imagine saying to my worst enemy. And I had no clue where all of this came from. Never did he say a word about anything to anyone.
Gunny376 Posted June 2, 2006 Posted June 2, 2006 Or should I simply accept in my head and my heart (as difficult as it is) that she's moved out, let her do her thing no matter how damned embarrasing it looks for her, carry on chatting to her via email, IM and text as normal, get on with sorting my own life/finances/happiness out, consider that us getting back together is just ONE of the thousands of outcomes that MIGHT happen, and take it from there?quote] I'd hope for the best, plan for the worse ~ that's really all you can do in this ~ circumstance. I'd keep any communication confined to just what had to be discussed ~ in regards to the children. When I went through it, I sat around and got drunk and listen to Ray Charles and George Jones ~ LOL. But, one of the things that Ray Charles said in one of his songs is so very true ~ "Well I started to cry then I said I "Hey! Crying won't make her come back,... if it couldn't make her stay! Then I said to myself, that's just how it is! And, I'm fresh out of tears What one woman would quit! Another's glad to get What one refused Another onecould use When its over it over And, that's just how it is And, I'm fresh out of tears I'm tired of wasting clean water On what's already gone I'm picking me up and dusting me off And, keep on keeping on I am what I am And, that's all I'll ever be Everybody I meet is always Trying to change me But its got to be me To choose the life I live Cause I'm fresh out of tears Its a brand new day And, a brand new me I do believe What will be will be I'm a good person With a lot of love to give But, I'm fresh out of tears I'm going to throw myself a party Invite all my friends And also let all the ladies know I'm out here free again" Ray wrote and produced the album when he was going through his thrid or fourth divorce. It takes you through the before, during and after of it ~ sheer musical genius http://www.raycharles.com/album_would_you_believe.html Throw yourself a pity party ~ but set a time limit on it ~ and then make the conscious decision ~ even if you have to make it every second, of every minute, of every hour of everyday to get busy getting busy, and staying busy. Two key things is to not allow yourself to get stuck in feeling sorry for yourself ~ stuck in the pity party ~ mode. The other is to keep yourself occupied so your not sitting around staring at the walls and ceiling. Get up ~ get out ~ get moving ~ keeping moving, breath ~ and don't forget to exhale ~ I mean that literally and figurartively. Whenever you find yourself thinking about her (hard to not do ~ I know) get busy. You've got to think like Scarletet O'Hara did when Rhett left her ~ "I'll think about that tomorrow ~ if I think about it now ~ it will drive me crazy!" I'm not saying ~ avoid it entierly ~ but put a time to it ~ and a time limit to it ~ even if its everyday, that is to say ~ "Ok, from 9 PM until 10 PM, once I've got everything done, the children are taken care of ~ I'll allow myself that much time ~ and no more. If you're having trouble sleeping ~ get some melatonin ~ and over the counter herb found in the vitamin and herb section. I use the 5 mg ~ and although the bottle says take one ~ I take two to three. Its non-addictive, over the counter ~ works like a charm ~ and best of all it will allow you a GOOD night's sleep ~ with your actually waking up refreshed. It won't knock you out ~ just make you sleepy, and able to go to bed without laying there staring into the darkness ~ but yet allow you to respond to the children should the need arise during the night. Its the natural hormone that is produced by the pituatory gland ~ but once you've reach a certain age ~ the PG produces less of it ~ making sleep harder. I use the vegetarian version and would recommend that over the bovine version. http://www.melatonin.com/melatonin-faq.php#WHEN Monitor your alchohol consumption ~ it will sneak up on you quick. Physical exerction and exercise ~ helps A LOT! Long distance running really helped me out and through it all! Keeping a private journal would help as well ~ as an outlet ~ fourmn to express your intermost thoughts, anxities, fears, ange, frustrations ~ it really would help. And, would be very theraputic! Finally, how you think begets your perspective, how you perceive ~ begets your attitude ~ you have to make the conscious decision ~ to work on that everyday. You're going to need to exert some self control and self discipline ~ to control your thought ~ to attempt to steer them away from the negative ~ and as much as toward the positive. Hard, I know ~ but you must strive to almost become a Zen~master of this process. Another important thing to remember is that action must sometimes preceed feeling ~ in that you Bro of yours says, "Let's go here and do this!" And you respond, "No! I don't FEEL like it!" But you end up going anyway, and you begin to feel like it and have a goodtime despite yourself. So be wary of that~ get active ~ stay active ~ keep moving about the place ~ even if you don't feel like it ~once you get to doing it ~you will feel like it! If in the end, it all "goes South" (bad), learn from it, grow from the experience ~ and when you've healed from it ~ make damn sure you "trade up!" Utlimately what I think the deal is here, is that she's running away from the marriage, running away from you, running away from her family, running away from her children, running away from her life, and most of all running away from herself ~ that is to say all of her preceived problems ~ troubles ~ in which she's going to be in for a rude awakening when she awakes up in her "new place" that they're they are sitting on top of her chest! Somethings, there are just no running away from ~ because wherever you go ~ there YOU are.
Author uksurfer Posted June 2, 2006 Author Posted June 2, 2006 I didnt really have any build up to the event. Didnt even see it coming. He came home at 9pm on Valentines day night, watched an hour of tv with me, then turned to me and said he wanted a divorce and there was pretty much nothing to say. He slept in the guest bedroom that night. We both went to work the next morning (i've always left way earlier than him). He came home around 7pm, boxed his most prized possession (computer) and some clothes and moved to his parents. Before leaving, he had this whole fricken speech about how nasty of a person i was and how the universe was going to get me, blah blah blah. It was a total shocker. The things he said to me, i cant imagine saying to my worst enemy. And I had no clue where all of this came from. Never did he say a word about anything to anyone. Jeez, that's not good. I feel for you. Really. Well this might lift you. Tonight was a surprise. It was nice. I'm not going to go into details, but it was like we turned the clock back 8 weeks. She's still going tomorrow, make no mistake, but it was civil, I bought a couple bottles of wine in, we got the kids to bed, we had chinese, we talked, we watched tv, we laughed, we had our old life back for one night. And this part rocked: she bagged up her laptop up earlier that night without even switching it on, and that's where it stayed. Y'know, that meant more to me than anything, because a lot of this feels like I've lost her to that bloody computer. One night with that thing switched off was worth 6 months of evenings with her staring into it. I also told her that I wanted her to spend her time away thinking hard about all of this, and she told me that she would - that thinking space was the real reason why she's doing all of this - and that she couldn't promise anything, but... But? But what? Arrrgh. Anyway, she still moves out tomorrow (Saturday), she's going to spend the rest of the day unpacking, then she wants to come back over Sunday so we can do something with the kids. Then, she's coming back over Wednesday again because it's her birthday and I'm going to book us all a table at the Italian round the corner. Then she says she's probably going to come back Friday evening, too. She was also supposed to be going away next weekend but can't now, so I guess I'll probably see her then, as well. Now I'm not falling too hard for any of this because I really do have my own plans. I've been thinking about what LJ and Dgiirl said earlier about having 1-year goals, and I have plenty of those. For example, roughly this time next year, I should be cycling down the coast of Uruguay by myself and writing a book about the whole thing which will be published at the end of 2007. That's back on schedule now, and I'm just chasing sponsors and finalising a publisher. I plan to be out of this house and into a smaller, cheaper place within 6 months. That'll take some work. And I plan to have launched a couple of new online businesses within the next 8 weeks, and also grow my writing business over the next 3 months, which will keep me busy in the short term. I'm also planning on buying a camper during the next 6 months so I can bump up the number of surf trips I do down through Europe. With a decent van that has a satellite internet connection, I should also be able to work whilst I'm away, too. So there you go: goals. Happy now? Utlimately what I think the deal is here, is that she's running away from the marriage, running away from you, running away from her family, running away from her children, running away from her life, and most of all running away from herself ~ that is to say all of her preceived problems ~ troubles ~ in which she's going to be in for a rude awakening when she awakes up in her "new place" that they're they are sitting on top of her chest! Somethings, there are just no running away from ~ because wherever you go ~ there YOU are. Yep. I agree 100%. She has issues with commitment, I'm sure of it. With 2 kids, a husband, a crappy house, a mortgage, and a bunch of debt, she's all of a sudden just found herself in way too deep. Shame it's all just real life, though, at the end of the day. And you can't keep running from real life for ever. But that's why I'm letting her go without trying too hard to reign her in. Her issues are something that she needs to discover - and fix - for herself. If it happens sooner rather than later, then that's great for all of us - me, her, and the kids. If it happens later rather than sooner, then it's her bad. And that's just the way it is.
Billy Bob Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 I might be wrong, but I'd bet $5 the reason she is running away from you is there is another guy, or she is in the process of getting another guy. That is why she doesn't want the kids with her right now. She is feeling the need to validate her attractiveness/sexuality as a woman. Take off the blinders. The only way you can bring this to a head is to file for divorce and custody of the kids. Be civil about it. I also guarantee that she will not give you custody of the kids. She will change her mind and want custody. This will start popping the fantasy bubble. She will not be able to carry on any sort of steamy affair (that she envisions) with two little kids around. She is living in her fantasy world right now and probably figures she can go running home at anytime. Present her (surprise her) with divorce papers and tell her you need closure and have decided to move on with your life. She will be forced to face reality... you are doing nothing right now but facilitating her fantasy breakaway. If you file for divorce you will figure out what she truly wants. However, at this point you might question a decision from her to make ammends... would she be coming back because she really loved and wanted to be with you, or because her fantasy bubble popped? Do you want her back after this? You might say you do, but things will never be the same, she will always be the person who ripped your heart out, stomped on it, and threw it in the trash. It might be hard on the kids, but thats life, don't stay married just because of children. Thats a rotten way to live. You need someone you can count on. Hate to say it, but Woogle was right on, on a majority of his posts.
Billy Bob Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Ohh, and speaking from experience, go to the doctor and get yourself some prescriptions for Xanex and an anti-depressant. It really will help you see the light/facts and not be clouded in emotional sadness. Tears won't bring her back (if thats what you truly want), but emotional indifference might. After a few weeks on anti-depressants you truly won't care what or who she is doing.
Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 That's what I wanted to hear from u ~ SilverSurfer ~ you've got goals, objectives, things to occupy your time ~ simply put ~ a plan ~ outstanding ~ simply outstanding ~ you rock. Just be realistic, open- minded, without letting yourself being played ~ used and abuse ~ doesn't sound as though you have that problem. And, when I say open-minded ~ make it one of those doors that swings both ways. Me? I don't believe in absolutes. I've see guys that were separated and divorced for ten years get back together and live happily ever after. I've seen women that have cheated on their husbands, get pregno by their lovers, get dumped by their lovers ~ and they weren't of the same race ~ and I saw the DH adopted the kid and raise it as his own ~ and the only anger he had was with anyone that had a problem with his doing it. You get on your bike and get some clicks under your belt, and tackle some steep hills ~ you're not going to need anti-depresants! I promise you. That combined with staying involved with your business, ~ your interests, pursuing your personal goals, ~ not to mention the children. Ordinarly ~ I would advise NC ~ but she is still their mother. So, that's good the way you're going about it ~ There's a song by Kathy Mateae ~ called "The Edge of Town" in which the wife is running from herself, running from her job, running from those gray hairs, running from those wrinkles that just won't stop. In the song, she gets to the edge of town ~ turns around ~ goes home ~ and tells her husband about it ,..........................when she's done,...............he tells her that he did the same exact thing. That he himself had packed his bags without telling her, and was running from the same things that she was, and that he had gotten to the edge of town ~ and had turned around. But, at the same time while encouraging your projects, goals, objectives, I would like for you to consider that living too fast, to quick, too much of in a hurry, trying to accomplish too much, achieve too much, trying to juggle too many balls was probally a contributing factor in all of this. We're all guilty of it ~ on both sides of the Atlantic. Such is life ~ that in itself isn't the problem ~ the problem is in finding a positive, healthy balance. Whicih isn't always easy to do, in this modern world. Things are moving at a breakneck pace. You, no more than buy something ~ and its already obsolete before you get it home and un-pack it. And, to be honest about it ~ I have a certain amount of epathy for the wife. The last ten years ~ since having retired from the Marine Corps ~ I've been stumbling and fumbling ~ kind of lost. When I went through a layoff at work ~ and was drawing un-employment ~ I took off for six months just to find myself, to re-orientate myself, set some goals, objectives. I've not been in a relationship for the last eight years ~ by choice. I was married for 12 years, and in a shack up for 6-1/2, and after the last one ~ I just told myself ~ "Man! I've need to give this a rest, take some time out, figure this thing out ~because what I've been doing isn't working!" I use to be in mid to upper level management ~ and then got back into it again ~ and what I found ~ what I discoverd was that I didn't want to be in it anymore. I didn't want to deal with it anymore. That the price that I paid to get where I was at ~ wasn't worth it! Not, in terms of what it cost me. I see them everyday ~ people that are making a "killing" and in the process what they're really are killing is themselves to make a "killing" Its not worth it to me. Maybe there is someone else ~who knows besides her? Maybe it is a mistake ~ and wrong for everyone ~ even herself. Maybe its "the hell, fire, and brimstone" that she's got to walk through to find her way back to you? Maybe she's got to tread where Angels fear,...............as part as her own personal growth. In the end, we all have our own personal demons to wrestle with, which no one else can contend with. I've had them ~ I still have them, and I will always have them. Even to this day, there are times, when I've got to break away, alone with just my old Border Collie, and go on the back forty to the little old shack, and build a fire, and poke a stick in the coals while sitting on an old stump. My doing that, doesn't make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people ~ but its my getting back in touch with my reality ~my spirit. Its my way of reconciling my past with my present. Its my way of digging up bones, and putting them back to rest. Anti-depresants? You do 10 ~ 15AK on that bike, on steep hilly terrain ~ you won't need them. Those endorphins will kick in, and take care of business. Regardless ~ of the outcome ~ you're on the right track ~ my friend. Either way you slice it, dice it , or otherwise you chop it up ~ you come out ahead. Bottom line? You're handling this in a very mature, responsible, adult manner ~ very much like a man! You've definately ~ you're definately are "manning~up!" Your open to and hoping for a reconcilation ~ but your open to it going "South" as well ~ such is life. You're not being a "wuss" about it, your not allowing yourself to be used, and abused, your not begging, pleading, your not letting her see you weak, your not lettting her see you be "weak minded" Indeed! Your being very strong minded for yourself, for her, and for your children. Your part in this? You did notihing wrong, other than what any man would have done. You didn't do any of the "traditional" things men give women the reason to leave. Me? I was a good man and a good husband, a good provider, who dearly loved and was in love with my wife and children. I loved and served my country. I actually bought off on, and believe in what JFK said about "Ask NOT what your country can do for you, but what YOU can do for your country!" And, what FDR said about "Being a part of something larger than yourself!" I've beaten myself up un-mercilfeslly for the last 16 years as to why my wife left. There was a lot of reasons ~ some her's ~ some mine. But, I was finally able to put it to rest with this ~ http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html And, as soon as I read it, I said, "But, no one told me! And, then I found this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8503_fft.html Like they say, when you point fingers, you've got three pointing back at you!
Author uksurfer Posted June 3, 2006 Author Posted June 3, 2006 That's what I wanted to hear from u ~ SilverSurfer ~ you've got goals, objectives, things to occupy your time ~ simply put ~ a plan ~ outstanding ~ simply outstanding ~ you rock. Just be realistic, open- minded, without letting yourself being played ~ used and abuse ~ doesn't sound as though you have that problem. And, when I say open-minded ~ make it one of those doors that swings both ways. Me? I don't believe in absolutes. I've see guys that were separated and divorced for ten years get back together and live happily ever after. I've seen women that have cheated on their husbands, get pregno by their lovers, get dumped by their lovers ~ and they weren't of the same race ~ and I saw the DH adopted the kid and raise it as his own ~ and the only anger he had was with anyone that had a problem with his doing it. You get on your bike and get some clicks under your belt, and tackle some steep hills ~ you're not going to need anti-depresants! I promise you. That combined with staying involved with your business, ~ your interests, pursuing your personal goals, ~ not to mention the children. Ordinarly ~ I would advise NC ~ but she is still their mother. So, that's good the way you're going about it ~ You've got your head screwed on, man. You're keeping me grounded. I really appreciate what you're telling me. This is just a weird old weekend. After saying again last night that she just needs space to think, she asked me to get in bed with her and cuddle her this morning. Yep. *She* asked me. What does that mean? I know I keep asking for explanations, and I know people keep telling me not to get my hopes up, but like Gunny, I don't believe in absolutes, too. My wife's parents split up for a year, got back together, sold up and went on a world tour in a camper. It can be done. There's really no way of knowing which direction life is going to take us in, so I'm not burning my bridges by being a bastard. I'm not going NC simply because I don't want to. Rightly or wrongly, I still really do think there's a chance that we can work this out. But, like I said before, I'm not betting the farm on it. Anyhoo, I've just spent the last few hours helping her carry stuff down to the yard ready to take over to her new place. Big stuff. Heavy stuff. The kind of stuff she can't do by herself. Then, when we get there, I'll carry it up again for her. Any other guy would have gone spare by now. Yelled. Ranted. Raved. What I'm doing is confusing her. I'm sure of it. This is showing her what she's losing. This is showing her that I'm the greatest f***ing guy in the world. And you know what, today I am. Tomorrow, I'll be even f***ing greater. I also think I'm testing myself here. It's a little (actually, a f***ing big) personal challenge. I'm focusing on keeping it together on the hardest day of my life. Today feels like every single funeral I've ever been to all rolled into one. So very f***ing sad. Sure, I'll probably bawl tonight when the kids are in bed, but she won't see that. And she won't ever know it, either. But you know. I'm doing it. I'm managing. It's working. And I think I'm actually stronger than I realised. As for the anti-depressants, I'm just not interested. I started taking them a couple days after I got the speech from her, and they actually made me feel a s***load worse. I was tired all the time. I yawned like a goon all the time. I couldn't work. I couldn't think. I was a flake. Gunny's right about the cycling - no hills round here, though, I'm right on the beach. Having said that, I have a couple growing kids here who still just about fit in the trailer. I'm gonna hook it up later, slot the kids in the back and have a blast. The sun's shining outsite, and there's not a cloud in the sky. Right now, there's the high I'm looking for.
Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 You don't beat yourself up over this! There are plenty of people waiting just outside your front door ~ more than willing to do the job for you ~ just to see the look on your face. You, like I just got caught up in the day to day "s***" of living. Of trying to make a living, trying to provide for your wife, and children ~ trying to be a good father, a good husband, and perhaps some of the other roles (lover) went lacking. When your up to your f***ing ass in alligators, snakes, and headunters, its hard to remember that your initial objective when you started out was to drain the swamp! Word Up! Live Life Large! Guns
Gunny376 Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 This is just a weird old weekend. After saying again last night that she just needs space to think, she asked me to get in bed with her and cuddle her this morning. Yep. *She* asked me. First ~ "Sometimes life is just too ridculious to live!" ~ John Melencamp Second ~ Most of us live life somewhere ~ in that neitherworld ~ between a laugh and a tear ~ you see both ~ as you swing to and fro between the two! ~ John Mellencamp Third ~ What does it mean that she wanted you to cuddle with her ~ it means that she wanted to cuddle with you. You're in a place where you seek to attach meaning to everything she says and does. STOP DOING THAT! "Hi" means Hi, and "Bye" means bye ~ nothing more ~ nothing less! Fourth ~ You can analysis this thing ~ this phenomenome to the point of parlysis ~ again ~ STOP DOING THAT! What was ~ was! What is ~ is! What will be ~ will be! Just let it be! Negative behavior ~ drinking ~ drugs ~ yelling ~ screaming ~ arguing ~ being weak minded ~ crying ~ are all temporary "fixes" that really solve nothing and really are more a part of the problem than they are part of the solution, more a part of the question than a part of the answer. Now is the time to "fall back into your life ~ into yourself ~ to re-orientate yourself ~ to afix your gird azimuth ~ to get your bearings on the map ~ to figure out where you been, where you're at and where you want to go in and with your life. If and when she gets it together ~ and if and when she comes back ~ she'll come back to a confidant, self-assured, strong-minded, non-wussy of a man - not a crying, begging, pleading, wussy of a man ! Be strong! For her ~ for yourself ~ for your children! Like in the movie ~ "Shawshank Redemtion" now is the time to mentally ~ emotionally ~ spiritually catch the bus to Mexico. Get on the bus ~ get on the bus to Mexico. Either, "get busy living ~ or get busy dying!" Live Life Large Guns
Billy Bob Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Ahhh, Anti depressants take about 3 weeks to take effect, a couple days wouldn't do anything... but it was just a suggestion. Stop being so friggin nice to her! She is not trying to make this work, she is having you like a little slave, bending over backwards to help her move her furnature out. Arrg! Pathetic. Your a puppet and she's pulling the strings. She is the one leaving you! She is leaving your kids! She is planning to meet 24 year old guys for sex. She said you turned her stomache! Geeze, wake up. The only way she is going to want you back is if she thinks she is losing you. Its just subconscious phsychology 101.. Stop being a lapdog, its so so pathetic... Don't let her shirk her motherly duties as well. File for divorce and go for the kids. You can always get re-married (to her) or call off the divorce before its final.. Just get something going so you can bring this to a resolution one way or another, otherwise you are just in purgatory and she is controlling the shots. Once you file for divorce, she starts losing "control" of the situation.. right now she has all of the control, and she likes it.
Billy Bob Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 I was in the same situation as you 7-8 months ago, things just got worse and worse, it was like I was suddenly married to a different person (after 13 years and 2 kids).. I fell into a deep depression and was a whiny, sniviling shell of a man, begging my wife to love me again. Well, it wasn't until I finally gave up on her and saw a lawyer and started filling out the divorce paperwork that my wife suddenly realized that her fantasy bubble was going to pop hard! She could not believe I had actually consulted with a lawer! About 10-15 marriage counseling sessions later I found out that the hurtfull things she said and did to me were because I was too "controlling" and was not emotionally there for her at several periods of her life years ago..she was really mad at me! WTF? Take back some of the control! Cut the puppet strings and resolve the situation.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted June 3, 2006 Posted June 3, 2006 Gunny, That was beautiful what you wrote to UKSURFER. I hope that he heeds your advice.
Gunny376 Posted June 4, 2006 Posted June 4, 2006 I might be wrong, but I'd bet $5 the reason she is running away from you is there is another guy, or she is in the process of getting another guy. That is why she doesn't want the kids with her right now. She is feeling the need to validate her attractiveness/sexuality as a woman. Take off the blinders. The only way you can bring this to a head is to file for divorce and custody of the kids. Be civil about it. I also guarantee that she will not give you custody of the kids. She will change her mind and want custody. This will start popping the fantasy bubble. She will not be able to carry on any sort of steamy affair (that she envisions) with two little kids around. She is living in her fantasy world right now and probably figures she can go running home at anytime. Present her (surprise her) with divorce papers and tell her you need closure and have decided to move on with your life. She will be forced to face reality... you are doing nothing right now but facilitating her fantasy breakaway. If you file for divorce you will figure out what she truly wants. However, at this point you might question a decision from her to make ammends... would she be coming back because she really loved and wanted to be with you, or because her fantasy bubble popped? Do you want her back after this? You might say you do, but things will never be the same, she will always be the person who ripped your heart out, stomped on it, and threw it in the trash. It might be hard on the kids, but thats life, don't stay married just because of children. Thats a rotten way to live. You need someone you can count on. Hate to say it, but Woogle was right on, on a majority of his posts. Personally ~ I'm more inclined to side with Woogle and you ~ but that set aside ~ cut the man some slack. What worked for you ~ won't necessarly work for him. I'm glad things turned out "good" for you ~ but that doesn't mean following the same advice ~ will work for him? In one breath ~ its ALL the same ~ yet its all different! SS (Silver Surfer aka ~ UKSurker) has got to find his own way ~ his own path through this ~ and not YOU nor I can tell him the path to take. "You're own your own, Bro! Go for yourself!" Me? If this was a GF of mine, I'd kick her azz to the curb quick, fast, and in a hurry like. I wouldn't be just "No!" but "Hell no~!" But we're talking about a FAMILY here ~ children ~ that HAVE a RIGHT to their MOTHER AND FATHER! And, so for that and with that SS needs to go above and beyond that what he would with a just a GF! If he can pull this back together, hold it together ~ for the sake of the children ~ its worth putting it out there on the line! What he's doing isn't easy! Its hard! Its all day hard! Its a down right mother________________! The easy route is to call the divorce lawyer and call it quits.The easy route is to say "Forget this!" I went the way of SS, and I did it for my children! It was HARD! All day hard! It was another ~mother! Its not about sex, pudding, ~ its about doing what's "right" We all know what the "right thing" is. God wrote it upon our heart the day we were born! "Just do the right thing! You know what it is!" Just do the right thing!
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