I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

[Woggle]

He needs to make her pay child support. You know if he walked out he would be getting hosed so why should she be able to forget her responsibilities? I understand why he is trying to be nice but I am afraid he will become a doormat.

[uksurfer]

I understand why he is trying to be nice but I am afraid he will become a doormat.

 

Well, not any more. Next move is hers. No question. But I'm not holding my breath.

 

And yesterday (Saturday) was just the weirdest day of my life. I, and one of her closest friends, helped her move her stuff out of our house and into her rented room. I'm so glad this friend was there to witness all of this. My wife just seemed 'excited' to get into this room - the same kind of buzz we had when we've moved into the beautiful *houses* we've bought during our time together. But this room was just a room. A blank box with a bed and a wardrobe in it.

 

She was actually excited to move away from our 5 bedroomed house on the beach into a box room in an apartment owned by two lesbians from Glasgow.

 

Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up.

 

So we carried her stuff in, and she was all "right, see you later! Bye kids!". Like, really cheerful. And we drove away. And that was that.

 

Huh?

 

So I get home and, 10 minutes later, there's a knock at the door, and my wife's friend who helped with the move (who's a mutual friend anyway) had come round to see if I was ok, and to tell me that that was the weirdest thing she's ever seen, too.

 

See, my wife hasn't even given her a reason for this, either, never mind me.

 

Anyhoo, I took the kids to the beach all afternoon, made us some dinner, put the kids to bed, then I went to bed at 9.30pm. Slept through until 7am this morning for the first time in 5 weeks.

 

The sense of relief I have is unexplainably huge, and right now, this situation - where it's just me and the kids - feels absolutely right for some reason.

 

But we're talking about a FAMILY here ~ children ~ that HAVE a RIGHT to their MOTHER AND FATHER!

 

And, so for that and with that SS needs to go above and beyond that what he would with a just a GF! If he can pull this back together, hold it together ~ for the sake of the children ~ its worth putting it out there on the line!

 

What he's doing isn't easy! Its hard! Its all day hard! Its a down right mother________________! The easy route is to call the divorce lawyer and call it quits.The easy route is to say "Forget this!"

 

I went the way of SS, and I did it for my children! It was HARD! All day hard! It was another ~mother!

 

Its not about sex, pudding, ~ its about doing what's "right" We all know what the "right thing" is. God wrote it upon our heart the day we were born! "Just do the right thing! You know what it is!" Just do the right thing!

 

Yep, if there's been no kids involved, then I'd have been more inclined to end it much sooner. But, like I said, I'm not even going to contact her now, unless she does it herself, or it's to do with the kids.

 

She's on her own, Batman. Seems to be the way she wants it. So that's what she's gonna get.

 

Yeah, I have been nice. Yesterday, as well as helping to move furniture, I even made her up a box with wine and chocolates and flowers for her room. That's who I am. I just couldn't give up on my family in the space of 4 weeks. The effect something like this has on kids can potentially last a lifetime - and 4 weeks worth of hard work on my part to fix it is nothing.

 

Nothing.

 

Ahhh, Anti depressants take about 3 weeks to take effect, a couple days wouldn't do anything... but it was just a suggestion.

 

Nah, I did take them for over 3 weeks. Stopped about 10 days ago. They just made me yawn, grind my jaw, and flake out. Not for me, I'm afraid. Don't need them. I think my getting them in the first place was just a knee jerk reaction to all this.

 

Stop being so friggin nice to her! She is not trying to make this work, she is having you like a little slave, bending over backwards to help her move her furnature out. Arrg! Pathetic. Your a puppet and she's pulling the strings.

 

Not really. She's the one who's really losing out. She's the one on self destruct. Yeah, I've lost my wife, but as they say, there are plenty more of them around. Yeah, I still love her, but that's gonna fade. Fast. She's losing this house, all our friends, the respect of our kids, her family won't speak to her now, and most of all she's losing me.

 

And I'm quite a f***ing catch, y'know.

 

Well, it wasn't until I finally gave up on her and saw a lawyer and started filling out the divorce paperwork that my wife suddenly realized that her fantasy bubble was going to pop hard!

 

I totally agree. I really do. It's a big step, though, and is definitely a last resort thing to do. I had to try it my way first, and I'm sure you can understand and appreciate that. Jumping in with both boots first isn't always the best thing to do. However, now, I'm genuinely considering your suggestion, together with the whole custody thing.

 

That was beautiful what you wrote to UKSURFER. I hope that he heeds your advice.

 

Yep, he's a good guy. Anyone else reading this plane crash of a thread should listen to him.

[Woggle]

If she's moving in with two lesbians maybe she is gay. Not saying it is 100% sure but it is something to consider.

[uksurfer]

If she's moving in with two lesbians maybe she is gay. Not saying it is 100% sure but it is something to consider.

 

Yeah, I had considered that, but I'm not especially convinced of it. Yeah, maybe, though.

 

The reason she told me that she was moving in with these two girls is because she thought that I'd be upset if she moved into a house where there were guys already living there. Or something like that.

 

Anyway, I got a text from her just after 9am this morning saying that she's on her way over and will be there in 20 minutes.

 

She's been here, for, like 4 hours now and has been getting upset because she didn't have any money to buy food in her new place (I haven't given her any cash, btw) and she's just been kinda sitting around looking all forlorn. She didn't eat last night, because she didn't have any food, and she didn't sleep much, either. She's been starting to do stuff with the kids, then kinda backing off and letting me take over. She's downstairs cooking lunch for us all now. So I keep going into the kitchen and it's all flirty kinda stuff from both of us.

 

Honestly, it's weird. I've come up to my office to do some invoicing - and to just escape this little twilight zone I'm finding myself in.

 

Don't get me wrong - I desperately want to let go. But I also desperately don't, either, if you see what I mean. I almost feel like she wants to tell me she's sorry, but that she just can't for some reason.

 

So shoot me.

[dgiirl]

is she on drugs?

[Ladyjane14]

Seriously, you couldn't make this stuff up.

 

 

:lmao: Well, if nothing else... at least your sense of humor is intact. I laughed out loud when I saw that.

 

Don't get thrown off by her odd behavior. It's hers and she owns it. You don't want it to turn YOUR life into a constant state of wondering...'what's she gonna do next?' She's going to do whatever it is that she decides to do, and YOU are going to be busy doing what YOU need to do. Whatever you think is best, just so long as it isn't contingent on your WW.

 

Understand, she took that room so that she could get away from your prying eyes. It's NOT because she's "thinking" or "needing space". She wants to engage these people online without you shooting dark looks at her. She doesn't want to see your pain or your anger, because somewhere deep down... she knows she's behaving irresponsibly as a wife and a mother. She'd like to evade the truth of that, thank you very much, for as long as she can. As long as she's "separated", she's single, and she can tell herself that she's not doing anything wrong.

 

The problem is... that these aquaintances she has online are real people with real lives, even though they've each presented an online persona. They still have their own sh*t they have to do, so they don't always have time for engaging her in her fantasy world. She's going to end up having alot of time on her hands, and she's got nowhere else to go.

 

Now, you have to ask yourself if that's okay with you. Are you going to allow her to 'fill in the gaps' or not. You'll need to decide what you have to lose or to gain by allowing or disallowing the behavior. You're the 'man on the ground', so you'll know best.

[uksurfer]

is she on drugs?

 

Dunno. Tell you what, though, I'll have two of what she's having. But no, she's not. I know that for a fact.

 

Well, if nothing else... at least your sense of humor is intact. I laughed out loud when I saw that.

 

Honestly, if I couldn't see the funny side in all this, I'd be lying in a gutter somewhere with puke in my hair and a big wet patch down the front of my pants.

 

It's the most ridiculous situation I've ever heard of.

 

Anyhoo, she's only just left after spending almost a full day here with me and the kids. We've played with the two of them, we've had some lunch, we've taken a walk into town, we've bought the kids a few things, we've gone to the pub for a drink, we've walked home, we've had a really big cuddle and a kiss - all just like any normal f***ing day in my life.

 

Except, she's only just headed off to her little box full of Glaswegian lesbians. Which I *know* she doesn't much like, because I can sense it when she's talking about it. But she didn't head off before kissing me again, though.

 

All I've said to her, apart from being super-husband, super-dad, super subtle-flirt (of which she kinda reciprocated), and super-nice-cool-edgy-all-round-marvel-comic-superhero-kind-of-guy, is that "I thought that today was really nice".

 

And it was. I enjoyed it. And as far as I could tell, so did she.

 

But if she really was serious about ending this, she wouldn't come back here the very next day after she moves out to spend a whole day with me and the kids, would she? She's also told me she's coming over after work on Monday, on Wednesday, on Friday, and at the weekend.

 

Ack. There I go wondering some more. Again, shoot me. Please.

 

...somewhere deep down... she knows she's behaving irresponsibly as a wife and a mother.

 

Yeah, I picked that up from her today, actually, as she was sat watching me and the kids play on the floor. Just the look on her face said it all to me.

 

You'll need to decide what you have to lose or to gain by allowing or disallowing the behavior.

 

I know. And therein lies the gamble.

 

By the way, does anyone want to buy the movie rights for this thread?

[Gunny376]

Her moving out puts you in the "power position" ~ in that she is ~ was a member of an exclusive club ~ your marriage AND your family. And, like any exclusive group ~ its not always so easy to get back iin ~ once one leaves.

 

And, wheather she knows, comprehends ~ understands it or not ~ there's a window of opportunity here ~ you're human too ~ with emotional, and physical needs just like anyone else. A vaccumn has been created here ~ and a nature abdores a vaccumn. Every second, every minute, every hour, of every day that window of opporutnity closes ~ and one day its going to been slammed shut ~ locked ~ with big old nails hammered into the corners of it.

 

Another thing that she's not "getting", is that she's not a teenager anymore. When she was a teenager ~ the number of "opportunities" with boys were greater than now when she's 38. Factoring out the number of males that have gotten married, gotten killed, mained for life over the course of the years ~ the pool gets smaller.

 

Even if there's not a shortage of opportunites among males ~ there's definately a shortage of good men who are responsible, dependable reliable whose established in business ~ can provide for a wife and family.

 

She's needs to wake the f*** up ~ before she loses everything she's got ~ and if she thinks some other gal wouldn't be happy and content to take her place ~ her brain is out to lunch!

 

She's off in la~la land playing, and flirtiing ~ fiddling around like Nero while Rome burns all around him.

 

Now that we've gone over this for a couple of weeks ~ I think what you've got here is one part MLC and one part WWS (Walk~A~Wfie Syndrone.)

 

http://www.divorcenet.com/considering/states/nationwide/the_walkaway_wife_syndrome

 

http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2002-March/msg00016.html

 

At some point your going to have to make some hard decisions for the mental well being of yourself and your children. And, I don't think after five weeks is the time ~ factoring in the children into the decision. At some point you're going to have to have the "Eiter we're married ~ or we're not!" talk. And, if she opts to come back ~ if it were me ~ there would definately be some new bouderies set ~ and conditions ~ a renogation of the marriage "contract"

 

I think that what's happened is the day to day of making a living ~ of just living ~ the day to day burdens of life ~ of being a parent ~ of being a wife ~ has driven her to this escapist fansty world of hers ~ and she's having some emotional needs meet through these "children" in this cyber~fantasy world of hers ~ that's she created.

 

A day of reckoning is going to come when Mr. Reality comes along and throws her azz under the bus~! Fantasy NEVER matches up to reality! NEVER! Mr. Reality? He doesn't play!

 

It seems that everybody that's aware of this "train wreck" sees that there's a time limit to all of this ~ except her. The clock is ticking ~ and time is relative. I promise you ~ its going to happen ~ when one morning you wake up, you throw the covers back, and before your feet hit the floor ~ you're going to say to yourself, "f*** this ~ life is just too damn short!"

 

And, trust me, once you get pass forty ~ the years fly by and before you realize it ~ your 50! Just that quick. I kid you not! And, its because time IS realitive ~ because with each passing day ~ you've already experienced, seen, heard, felt, lived much of life over, and over, and over.

 

The end game to all of this ~ if she doesn't get her head together ~ is she's left out in the cold ~ broke your freaking heart ~ broken heart tells brain housing group to grow an learn from all of this and not to go through all this again! Pain can be a good thing ~ it teaches you not to do something! Pain is a MF of a teacher ~ but it teaches its lessons well. The first time you burned yourself or got electricuted ~ you can bet your boots and saddle you WON'T repeat the mistake.

 

With lessons learned ~ and with a clear pretty picture in your head ~ you move on ~ find someone else ~ who's attitude is going to be "Where have you been all my life!" In effect ~ the ex-wife has created the husband that she was looking for ~ yearning for ~ dreaming of ~ except she's created him for another woman.

 

When Cortez landed in and discoverd Mexico ~ he burned his ships. Thus his men became very positively motivated to succeed. She's not only burning bridges ~ she's burning ships!

 

I have a friend ~ who went through the same thing as you and I. Except his XW really threw him under the bus ~ BAD! They had just gotten back from the beach ~ he left that Monday morning ~ kissed his wife of up-teen years goodbye ~ prefectally happy and content ~ thought things were great ~ wonderful. She asked him what he wanted for supper ~ just another day in Paradise.

 

He came home that afternoon, and there was the Sheriff's deputy's car in the driveway. He thought some terrible had happen. The deputy handed him court papers and told him he had thrity minutes to get his shaving kits and clothes, (she lied and told the court he was abusing him)

 

He was devastated ~ and with a restraining order ~ he couldn't even talk to his wife. She moved her new ~ young lover into THEIR house! He got stuck with the bills ~ ex. The divorce papers finally went through ~ she got the house the kids.

 

Turns out the new young lover is heavy into partying. The bank calls him and tells him that they're about to foreclose on the house ~ but if he will catch up the payments and make payments ~ that they would give him an opportunity at it. He did, the XW and young lover move out ~ into a 20 year old single wide rental trailer. Then the twenty something, siftless, sorry, no-good, ilresponsible, "can't hold down a job" party~boy moves on to younger, pretty, party girls ~ leaving her high and dry.

 

Meanwhile ~ "John" gets his act together ~ gets his head together ~ gets his inner game together ~ goes out and finds a woman about 10 years younger ~ who's just crazy about him ~ and loves him to death.

 

About five years later ~ the ex-wife ~ now "bad" down on her luck ~ tries to get back with him~! Too late ~ too sad!

 

This is where I see all of this headed ~ IMHO!

 

Guns

[Ladyjane14]

Fantasy NEVER matches up to reality! NEVER! Mr. Reality? He doesn't play!

 

Altogether awesome post, Gunny. I laughed my ass off at the above quote. That ought to be your new signature!

[uksurfer]

Altogether awesome post, Gunny. I laughed my ass off at the above quote. That ought to be your new signature!

 

Yep, I'm bowing down to that one.

[DesperateDad]

Uksurfer, I'm sorry to hear how things are going for you lately, but it sounds like you're bearing up pretty well. Five bedrooms on the beach, huh? Sounds like you won't have any trouble at all attracting women!

 

Gunny, that WAS an awesome post. You pretty much put it all together for guys in this kind of situation.

 

That reality thing is a killer. I've thought a lot about this lately and I don't think my W's thinking much about what it will be like without me around. She's been insulted when I've pointed out that it will be much harder to get by without all the stuff I do around the house and taking care of the kids.

 

Just like your W, uksurfer, I think my W's stuck on the idea that everything will be much better when she's with someone she's in love with. Or maybe she thinks I'll somehow continue to do all this stuff even after we split. I love the kids, but how could I?

 

Personally, I feel like I'm starting to let go, too, even though things are holding steady and we actually made it through the weekend without our weekly argument. We had my parents over for a cookout last night and it was totally weird. I mostly just cooked and drank...

[Gunny376]

 

Just like your W, uksurfer, I think my W's stuck on the idea that everything will be much better when she's with someone she's in love with.

 

"In love" is induced by attraction ~ which results in a temporary bio-chemical reaction in the brain ~ and which is very much akin bio-chemicaly to obsesseive-compulsive disorder.

 

It is tempoary at best, and when it wear off ~ and it will ~ there had best be something there to hold the relationship ~ such as dependability, reliability, fidelity, morals, values, ethics, mutually shared interests, mutually shared trials, tribulations, defeats, victories, triumps.

 

But, don't take my word for it ~ http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0602/feature2/

[uksurfer]

Uksurfer, I'm sorry to hear how things are going for you lately, but it sounds like you're bearing up pretty well. Five bedrooms on the beach, huh? Sounds like you won't have any trouble at all attracting women!

 

Hah, yeah. But right now, there's only one of the damned f***ers that I actually want to attract!!

 

Just like your W, uksurfer, I think my W's stuck on the idea that everything will be much better when she's with someone she's in love with. Or maybe she thinks I'll somehow continue to do all this stuff even after we split. I love the kids, but how could I?

 

Well the kids are staying with me. She doesn't seem to want the responsibility. Or maybe the commitment? She's talking about getting her own 3 bed house in a few months, but that's not really likely to happen at all in the forseeable future, and even if it does, she's told me she won't give up her work to look after the kids. Which means they'll still be with me most - if not all - of the time.

 

But yeah, maybe she thinks she'll be happy when she finds someone she's "in love" with, even though she still "really loves me". Huh? Someone who doesn't want kids, either, maybe? It's like she's not just splitting from me, but rather from the whole situation. I just hope that the grass isn't always greener. But maybe the single life without the responsibility of kids is just what she wants. f***. Who knows? I just wish she'd grow up, to be honest. Even if she just grew up enough to tell me what the actual problem is/was, and why she couldn't talk about it at all before it got to the stage where she had to jump out of the whole marriage without any warning whatsoever, that would be enough.

 

Personally, I feel like I'm starting to let go, too, even though things are holding steady and we actually made it through the weekend without our weekly argument.

 

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm kinda forcing myself to let go now. But she's not making it easy for me. She moved out Saturday, but was back here again all day Sunday. Then she came home again tonight after work, Monday, and I cooked dinner for us both, and she's only just gone back to 'her place' now, after telling the kids with seemingly no remorse whatsoever, that she'll "see them Wednesday". So that's two days without seeing, speaking to, or even playing with them. I have no idea how a mother can do that.

 

Huh?

 

But again, she didn't leave before giving me a big hug and a kiss or two.

 

And we haven't had an argument for a couple weeks now, and yesterday, she even said that she'd quite like for the two of us to start going out together more often.

 

It's all just freaking me out.

 

(Yeah, I know we've been here before, but now I'm just venting, rather than looking for new advice, ok dudes. )

[uksurfer]

It is tempoary at best, and when it wear off ~ and it will ~ there had best be something there to hold the relationship ~ such as dependability, reliability, fidelity, morals, values, ethics, mutually shared interests, mutually shared trials, tribulations, defeats, victories, triumps.

 

Gunny - would you please call my wife, tell her to grow the f*** up, and put her straight on all of this?

 

I just don't seem to be able to get through to her. I keep getting a 'busy' tone.

[Gunny376]

(Yeah, I know we've been here before, but now I'm just venting, rather than looking for new advice, ok dudes. )

 

All you can do is "man~up", get on ~ hang on and "white knuckle" ride that pony to the bitter end!

[Gunny376]

Gunny - would you please call my wife, tell her to grow the f*** up, and put her straight on all of this?

 

Oh, but if I could Bro ~ oh but if I only could ~ I surely would ~ because I know you would do the same for me!

 

Guns:cool:

[stillafool]

.

 

She's been here, for, like 4 hours now and has been getting upset because she didn't have any money to buy food in her new place (I haven't given her any cash, btw) and she's just been kinda sitting around looking all forlorn. She didn't eat last night, because she didn't have any food, and she didn't sleep much, either. She's been starting to do stuff with the kids, then kinda backing off and letting me take over. She's downstairs cooking lunch for us all now. So I keep going into the kitchen and it's all flirty kinda stuff from both of us.

 

Honestly, it's weird. I've come up to my office to do some invoicing - and to just escape this little twilight zone I'm finding myself in.

 

Don't get me wrong - I desperately want to let go. But I also desperately don't, either, if you see what I mean. I almost feel like she wants to tell me she's sorry, but that she just can't for some reason.

 

So shoot me.

 

What a nut!?! Who decides they are going to move with no money to support themselves. If I were you I wouldn't be her parent and let her just text me and say she'll be over in 20 minutes. What for? to eat and do her laundry and go back to her dorm room? She's a damn grown woman go look for a job!!! Furthermore she should be looking for a job so she can pay the child support I hope you are going to ask for. You really do need to tell her to call and set up an appointment before she comes over to see the kids and that your home is not her stop over. You will never heal if you let her pop in and out like that and continue to use you.

[stillafool]

Don't get me wrong - I desperately want to let go. But I also desperately don't, either, if you see what I mean. I almost feel like she wants to tell me she's sorry, but that she just can't for some reason.

 

As far as this goes stop worrying about what she wants and about what you think she might do. Worry about yourself now and the kids. If she wants back trust me she will have no problem telling you that. She certainly made it clear she wanted to leave. BTW, if you do want her back one day (God knows why) you must start setting some boundaries now or she'll just walk back in and continue to treat you the way she did before. Please trust me on this one.

[uksurfer]

As far as this goes stop worrying about what she wants and about what you think she might do. Worry about yourself now and the kids. If she wants back trust me she will have no problem telling you that. She certainly made it clear she wanted to leave. BTW, if you do want her back one day (God knows why) you must start setting some boundaries now or she'll just walk back in and continue to treat you the way she did before. Please trust me on this one.

 

Damn, that's exactly what my head is saying to me.

 

The only problem is that my heart is telling my head to f*** right off.

 

But I guess that's a human thing, eh?

[Gunny376]

When I first read about you and DD, I thought that the only thing left is to get a mop, a bucket, and a preacher! (To mop up the mess and say the last rites over the marriage)

 

But, it sounds like DD might be turning it around. And, I personally think that you may as well. I think you're going about it the right way ~ but the marriage is most definately on life support. But, I wouldn't pull the plug just because the prognosis doesn't look so hot. There have been plenty of folks that have bounced back from this and worse.

 

Something that's not come up on this thread ~ is that she might be testing you? You're devotion ~ your dedication ~ your loyality ~ if ever a woman gave a man a reason to cheat? Its entierly possible this may be more about you than you realize?

 

I would stay the course ~ sometimes you've got to go through Hell to get to Heaven. There is definately a time limit ~ and just a limit to what you can ultimately tote the note on ~ afterall ~ you're only human.

 

And, ultimately ~ NOT TODAY, NOT THIS WEEK, NOT THIS MONTH ~ but ultimately ~ you're going to have to gradually ~ slowly ~ start using more and more of the stick and less and less of the carrot. You can only keep sweeting the pot while playing with nothing but a pair of dueces for so long. I wouldn' t enable her ~ assist her in leaving you. But, I wouldn't push the "doomsday button" either. Ultimately its going to start taking its toll on the kids. And, when it comes to them ~ she's striking matches in a dynamite factory. Their children ~ they're not stupid. What I'm concerned with about them is their developing some kind of abdonment issues that may carry over later in life.

 

I would strongly encourage you to purchase and read cover to cover a book called "Second Chances" by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee ISBN No. # 0-89919-648-9.

 

They conducted a five year study of the effects on children ~ when they got through ~ they went back for more money to continue the study because what they found was that the effects of divorce affect children beyond five years ~ then they went for ten ~ then twenty. They found that children of divorce carry the effects of their parents divorce into the own personal adult lives into their thirties and forties. That''s not to say you should stay married just for the children ~ you shouldn't ~ but you should educate yourself on the effects of divorce on children and with children.

 

Guns

[Gunny376]

What a nut!?! Who decides they are going to move with no money to support themselves. If I were you I wouldn't be her parent and let her just text me and say she'll be over in 20 minutes. What for? to eat and do her laundry and go back to her dorm room? She's a damn grown woman go look for a job!!! Furthermore she should be looking for a job so she can pay the child support I hope you are going to ask for. You really do need to tell her to call and set up an appointment before she comes over to see the kids and that your home is not her stop over. You will never heal if you let her pop in and out like that and continue to use you.

 

How nice! How special! How wonderful that you live in such a simple world! Where everything is so cut and clear! Where everything is so black and white! Where there's no gray! This is like you're telling some Vet to just get over it! Put it in the past! The same Vet that cried his eyes out while he tried to stuff his buddy's ~ his best friend ~ the one that took "one" for him ~ guts back into his stomach~! You go there, you live that reality ~ then you come and talk to me! We'll at least have a "point of comparission! We'll have something to talk about! You don't have a f***ing clue as to what you're talking about!

 

Its not just about him, nor her, but about "them" ~ her, him, and them ~with "them" being defined as those chidren who have a RIGHT to their natuaral mother and father! That's the "fight" that's being fought! You're such an idiot! You've don't have a clue! Its about being a part of something "greater" than yourself!

 

I'll shut up ~before I get Pissed off!

[Trimmer]

...before I get Pissed off

 

Yeah, geez Gunny, good thing that didn't happen!!!

[Gunny376]

Yeah, geez Gunny, good thing that didn't happen!!!

 

Yea, Trimer! I'm not proud of it, but I've been through the mud, sludge, the sewer, the s***, the piss,.....................the s*** that would make most men puke. I've crawled through sewers! It wasn't about me ~ it was about "them" And, "yes" I puked! Yes, I was revolted! And, I went on !

[uksurfer]

Something that's not come up on this thread ~ is that she might be testing you? You're devotion ~ your dedication ~ your loyality ~ if ever a woman gave a man a reason to cheat? Its entierly possible this may be more about you than you realize?

 

Hmmm. I thought about this first. Never been convinced of it, though. And stretching it out to this level of pain is just taking things a little too far, whatever point she's trying to prove. And I think by now, I've made my loyalty, my dedication, and my devotion to her perfectly clear.

 

However, she's still doing and saying everything in a textbook midlife crisis style, too - according to the advice I'm reading over here: http://midlifecrisisforum.com

 

But, I'm not entirely convinced of that, either.

 

My new theory now is that she's had some kind of constant or delayed postnatal depression since our first child was born 5 years ago, which was then compounded or multiplied by the birth of our second child 2 years ago. This is the only explanation I can realistically come up with when it comes to her behavior towards the kids.

 

I mean, she came here after work last night "to see the kids", and I made us all dinner, and I just totally and innocently expected her to hang around until at least the kids went to bed, so she could read them a story, or at least tuck them in.

 

But no. She left at least an hour before bedtime. Huh?

 

So yeah, severe postnatal depression is one theory. My other theory? Well, it's that I've only just discovered how exceptionally shallow she is, and that she genuinely has the emotional depth of a puddle of piss. (I think I already said that several million posts ago in this thread.) But surely, I would have seen signs of this at some other point during the last 6 1/2 years. Wouldn't I?

 

Anyhoo, she's not coming over today, but is heading over again tomorrow evening as it's her birthday. I'm cooking again, and have just been out (as I'd normally do for her birthday) buying some little gifts, etc. But doing that stopped me in my tracks, and really made me question why I was actually doing it at all, when she's just crapped on me lke this. All I'm doing is hanging on. This is not good for my soul, and it's showing her is that all I'm actually good for is her little safety net, her little fall back plan for when her own fantasy island world starts burning down around her.

 

So (deep breath), my next plan of action is to start setting out some boundaries, like it's NOT OK to keep coming round every other day, and it's NOT OK to ask me to cuddle her in bed, it's NOT OK to hug me and kiss me each time she comes, and it's NOT OK for her to keep keys to my house. a) it'll help me get some kind of closure on this whole business, and b) cutting her off from me as fully as possible will let her know that she can't expect to have everything she wants - which, right now, it seems like she's getting. If she wants to see the kids, she'll have to take them out somewhere, rather than sitting around MY house with them. It was her decision to move out - she's now going to have to put up with it.

 

I'm gonna think about how to approach this in the next few days.

 

To be honest, I think I've had one of those Gunny moments where I've just realised that life is too short to be putting up with all this crap. I've spent the last 6 weeks worrying about her and her state of mind instead of worrying about myself, and that needs to change.

 

And I've also just been to the docs who wouldn't even give me anti-depressants (not that I wanted them) because he doesn't seem to think I'm depressed.

 

I never even thought I was in the first place...

 

Damned women.

[Woggle]

Good for you uksurfer. You have every right to feel this way and do not feel guilty.