I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

May 30, 2006

With the way that you're handling it ~ usually in these situations the thing to do is to NOT go off half-cocked, be flexable, be open~minded. And, you're so much doing that! In short ~ you're keeping your "cool" about you and your head about you.

The No.# 1 asset, withouth a question, and without a doubt are the children. Everything else pales by comparision. (For your consideration ~ http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2002-March/msg00035.html)

Personally ~ since this has played out ~ I don't think its so much YOU ~ as it her ~ that's she's not going through some MLC type thing ~ which I think hits women sooner and harder than it does men.

Another part of it, is the almost instaneous changing of roles from being a mother ~ to being a wife ~ to being a lover, ~ to being a housekeeper ~ to being an _______________(fill in the blank) (Again for your consideration? http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2002-March/msg00016.html)

I know you feel and think that you're the same person that you were six and half years ago ~ but you're not. Neither is the wife ~ and I think that both of your got so caught up in the day to day of life ~ that the initial reason that you started out ~ got squezzed out of the picture.

Personally, I've been doing quite a bit of research ~ and I've found that what I thought "worked" with women ~ doesn't. And, the reason simply is that you need to look at what all the other men are doing ~ and then do the oppossite ~ but most of all ~ you need to just be yourself. Fun to be with ~ a little cocky ~ a little funny ~ a little sure and confident.

I know that you want to save your marriage ~ and that you love your wife to bits ~ but the simple fact of the matter is that there may already be too much water over the damn and under the bride ~ at least in her mind. It sounds as though she's running as much from herself ~her life as its become ~ more so than she's running away from you ~ that she's yearing for the days of yesterday. When she was carefree ~ and just simply free ~ if that's the case ~ there little that you can do.

I think you, yourself are on the right track, not burning any bridges, etc. But, also being a man ~ standing up for yourself and what is ultimately is in the best interest of your children / family ~ and not being a wuss about it! Hoping against hope ~ hoping for the best ~ but yet being realistic and what is all the more important ~ being prepared for the worse ~ and being willing to go on with your life. A life without "her" if need be! But, also willing to put it back together ~ !

God Bless

Gunny

May 30, 2006

There are some really remarkable posts here. I wasn't going to post here because there is no way I can justify my views - and they are possibly that of UKsurfer's wife. I just turned 33, and admittedly, this has cause alot of anxiety in me.

I agree with alot of what many posters said here about women and MLC. I have been married 10 years and I am generally a very good and caring wife and mother. But for the past year or so, I am not sure this is how I want to live any more. It is not like I've turned around 180 degrees overnight as a result of MLC.

Actually, I have been slowly dying inside for the past 10 years. You see, my Husband does not feel that he needs to help out at home because he has a more stressful job than I do. But it wasn't really recently that I 'flipped 180 degrees' according to him. He never saw this coming - because he never acknowledged any problems we had. He never knew how unhappy I was in the marriage, or how much more I did for the family than he did.

I just want you guys to think back... not just since the 'switch' but really far back in time. Did you meet her emotional needs when she asked for them? Did you do your fair share in the marriage?

Until you acknowledge your responsibility in the fall out of your marriage, I don't think it is going to change for the better. Even if you do get a divorce, what is going to prevent your new relationship (with another woman) from falling apart?

As for myself... yes, I am guilty of saying awful things to my husband in an attempt to hurt his feelings and perhaps get him to initiate the divorce. It is not that I want to abuse him emotionally. It is because I am too weak of a person to initiate divorce.

May 30, 2006

I just want you guys to think back... not just since the 'switch' but really far back in time. Did you meet her emotional needs when she asked for them? Did you do your fair share in the marriage?

He never saw this coming - because he never acknowledged any problems we had. He never knew how unhappy I was in the marriage, or how much more I did for the family than he did.

I tried. God knows I tried. For the last (almost) year, I've been the one who's stayed at home and got the kids dressed, got them to school, picked them up, fed them, did the cooking and a bunch of cleaning, and combined that with running a business. True, I accept that I didn't do much in the way of laundry, but that's because that damn washing machine is just way too complicated.

Anyway, prior to that, we did have money problems, we had 2 kids who were a drain on our emotions and our energy, a moneypit of a house, our social life plummeted (and that social life was very important to us both), her dad died, and I unexpectedly lost a big work contract through no fault of my own. True, thinking back, all of that probably did send me into a bit of a depression and I did lose interest in many of the things I used to do that I really enjoyed. I was seeing all our friends doing really well, and I started to get a little lost. She saw all this in me. But I honestly thought that there was enough commitment and love and history between us to work through those problems, and the fact that she seems to be just 'running away' from it cuts deeper than anything else.

More than anything else, I just wanted her to help me get through it, but I guess she had her own stuff to deal with too, and that she just couldn't take me on emotionally. But anyhoo, I'm through the other side of that now, and my life really is on the up. Still, I think that 'running away' rather than facing up is all part of who she is, and maybe it's a part of her character that will always be there.

I honestly have tried to talk to her about our problems in the past (see, I'm a talker - which is probably why this thread is so long ) but she never really wanted to reciprocate. That was difficult for me to accept.

So, outwardly, to me and everyone we know, things were fine. Inside her mind, yep, they obviously weren't.

As for myself... yes, I am guilty of saying awful things to my husband in an attempt to hurt his feelings and perhaps get him to initiate the divorce. It is not that I want to abuse him emotionally. It is because I am too weak of a person to initiate divorce.

Well she's said that she doesn't want to get a divorce. And she's not a weak person, either. She's headstrong and she's stubborn. And god knows, I love her for that.

Right now, I just don't know. I do know that her mum is telling me that yep, there is a chance that my wife will come round after having some time away from all of this, and some time to herself. I kinda feel the same. Like, yesterday, she told me that she still really loves me, and last night she said herself that maybe she just needs a break.

I'd also originally said that I didn't want to be around on the day she moves out, too, and that I didn't want the kids to see it happen, either. But I'd thought about that a little more, and last night, I told her that I'd help her move which seemed to really surprise her - and I think it also puts me in a really good light, too. She just wasn't expecting that. Like, why would a guy you've just put through something like this still want to help you out?

You know why? Because I'm a f***ing good guy, that's why. I'm funny, I'm cool, I'm edgy, and yep, I'm cocky. But regardless of all that, the amount of value I place on friendships and relationships and family is absolutely phenomenal. That's what she saw in me originally, and that's what needs to shine through again. The issues we've had in the last couple years have dulled those qualities in me a little, and I'll readily admit to that, but y'know, I'm polishing them up as we speak.

But maybe that's my problem?

I care *too* much.

And gunny - thanks man. I'll read those links once I stop writing.

May 30, 2006

Anyway, prior to that, we did have money problems, we had 2 kids who were a drain on our emotions and our energy, a moneypit of a house, our social life plummeted (and that social life was very important to us both), her dad died, and I unexpectedly lost a big work contract through no fault of my own. True, thinking back, all of that probably did send me into a bit of a depression and I did lose interest in many of the things I used to do that I really enjoyed. I was seeing all our friends doing really well, and I started to get a little lost. She saw all this in me. But I honestly thought that there was enough commitment and love and history between us to work through those problems, and the fact that she seems to be just 'running away' from it cuts deeper than anything else.

More than anything else, I just wanted her to help me get through it, but I guess she had her own stuff to deal with too, and that she just couldn't take me on emotionally.

Good that you acknowledge your role in this mess.

But anyhoo, I'm through the other side of that now, and my life really is on the up. Still, I think that 'running away' rather than facing up is all part of who she is, and maybe it's a part of her character that will always be there.

Now it is your turn to take care of her emotional needs. Do not turn away from her like some posters here suggested.

Well she's said that she doesn't want to get a divorce. And she's not a weak person, either. She's headstrong and she's stubborn. And god knows, I love her for that.

Well, I can be stubborn and headstrong too. But women fight differently from men. May I suggest you read the book, "the five love languages"? It has a pretty good analysis of gender differences.

Good luck and keep us posted!

May 31, 2006

I'm "crossed" with this thread, there's what I've been through, where I was, where I'm at ~ NOW ~ and hopefully the future.

To be honest about it ~ I took it pretty hard when the exW left!

Like the SilverSurfer (UKSurfer), I thought I was a pretty good husband, and the ex even gave me that ~ as she walked out the door. She told me that I was a damn good husband, (WTF?) and for it all, and for all the research I've done, all the reading I've done, etc, ad nauseumn ~ I can honestly say that I would make a better one today.

I've always heard that that the worse you treat a woman ~ the more that she loves you ~ which I think is a bunch of rubbish (British) and Bulls*** (American).

But, I've recently discovered that in part ~ its true. In that there's a very fine line to it! Cross the line ~ your an azzhole ~ just this otherside of it?

Trouble is the damn line won't stay stationary? LOL!

What works one day ~ doesn't work the next! Yesterday's solutions are today's problems. Its a paradox! (Look it up! Its a great word!)

My ~ (Yes! I own up to it) saying being hard is the solution ~ isn't the solution~! I was wrong to come off so heavy handed! But, being a wuss isn't the solution either!

Silver Surfer (UKSurfer) the main issue is those children! That's the main focus! But, I'm preaching to the choir ~ your in church every Sunday ~ aren't you? You don't need to hear the sermon ~ you've heard it before!

May 31, 2006

Gah, Saturday is going to be the hardest day of my life. Christ knows how I'm going to be able to cope with that.

I just wish she could take more of a mature and responsible approach to all of this. Like, it's true that you can't be madly and totally and sickly and giddily 'in love' with someone 100% of the time. In a marriage, those feelings are bound to fade a little, and I think they are replaced with more of a comfort and dependency factor. The real love will always remain, but the 'in love' part comes and goes depending on a bunch of external factors, I think. Debt, bereavement, kids, depression, lack of social life, etc.

Being 'in love' is just not a feeling that can be sustained 100% of the time - and marriage should be much more than just that 'feeling' anyway.

It's as if she's treating our marriage as some kind of schoolgirl relationship that you'd have when you're, like, 16. She's telling me that "I don't fancy you anymore", that '"you've been dumped", that "we're not married anymore" and all that kind of teenage stuff, and then just moving out drastically into a rented room leaving me with the kids and the bills.

Is it a case of her needing to grow up? Or for her to stop being so selfish, and to think about what she's doing to our family? Or is it really some kind of midlife crisis? Because everything she's doing and saying is textbook midlife crisis stuff if you do some reading on the subject.

I've got another (shorter) thread running on this over here. Some of it might help some of you.

But again, sorry for stretching this thread out. I know I'm probably boring all of you now, but it kinda helps me when I write stuff down and read it back to myself.

May 31, 2006

Since she is leaving the kids I hope you get child support. She still has a responsibility to her children and don't think for a second that if the roles were reversed that you wouldn't be paying out the ass.

May 31, 2006

So I'm staying at my parents' place with the kids for most of this week while she gets her stuff together. We're also trying to decide what to say to the kids to explain why she's moving away from us on Saturday. I email her to suggest that I don't want her to tell them that she's moving out because she doesn't want to be with me, as I think that the kids might eventually feel that I must have done something so momentously wrong that I've driven their mother out of the house and away from them.

Which, of course, I haven't. Christ.

I suggested that she tells them that she needs to move closer to work so that it's easier for her to get there, or something along those lines. She emailed me back and agreed and said that she'd never let the kids think that this was my fault at all, and that if anyone is to be hated or blamed then it will be her, and that's something that she'll need to deal with.

Then, at the end of the email, she writes that she's really missing us all.

Is she? Eh? Then why the f*** do this to me and the kids without even talking to me, or trying to repair our relationship?

Arrrrgh. Someone slap me. Please. I'm now in two minds again about all of this. Either I've only just discovered after 6 1/2 years that she's the most selfish, shallow, and superficial person I've ever met and that she really does have the emotional depth of a puddle of piss, or she's truly having some kind of crazy midlife crisis in which she's crapping herself about getting older, is trying to regain her lost youth, and live the life of a 25 year old again - at the expense of her entire family.

I know which one I'd like to believe. And it still doesn't help.

May 31, 2006

Arrrrgh. Someone slap me. Please. I'm now in two minds again about all of this. Either I've only just discovered after 6 1/2 years that she's the most selfish, shallow, and superficial person I've ever met and that she really does have the emotional depth of a puddle of piss, or she's truly having some kind of crazy midlife crisis in which she's crapping herself about getting older, is trying to regain her lost youth, and live the life of a 25 year old again - at the expense of her entire family.

I know which one I'd like to believe. And it still doesn't help.

UKSURFER,

She wants to experience 'a new life' to feel loving and pretty again. Now, if you let her go... you will never have respect for her again... and she will never love you 'more' (as she'd like to put it).

So, you and her have to decide now - before she leaves - on whether to 1)work at making your marriage better, or 2) live separate lives. The truth is, she is trying to con you into letting her have her cake and eat it too.

I have been married 10 years. I am only 33, but I know what your wife is going through (yes, the aging is very hard). But my husband would never let me do what you are letting your wife get away with!! I mean, who in their right mind would let their wife move out and hope for her to come back??? Even if she did (best case senario, right?), you won't feel about her the same way as you do now.

So why are you dragging this drama out? Now, repeat after me: if she's moving out, then the marriage is over. If she's not trying to save the marriage, then what am I waiting for? If she loves me and the children, then why is she behaving like we don't exist? What, am I dead?

May 31, 2006

If she's not trying to save the marriage, then what am I waiting for?

Not sure. Maybe I'm waiting for the jolt she'll get when she's in an unfamiliar apartment, living with complete strangers, and her loving family isn't around anymore? Maybe she'll realise that our marriage wasn't so bad after all, and that the grass isn't always greener. Maybe she'll discover that chasing 24 year olds when she's 38, married, and has 2 kids just doesn't seem quite normal or even rational. Maybe she'll see me getting on with my life, doing some good stuff with (and without) the kids, and want to be part of it again? Maybe she'll just wake up extremely lonely one day and really, really regret what she's done. f***, I just don't know anymore.

I guess it's just plain old denial now. Before, I think I was in denial about being in denial. Now I'm just in denial. Got it? Good.

What's the saying again? If you fall off the horse, you need to get straight back on again. Maybe I need to get out and meet some more women, and get me a good old rebound relationship to take my mind off all of this?

Or maybe I just need a midlife crisis of my own complete with a sordid affair with a 20 year old? Bring it on.

I probably don't mean that, but my mind - and my stomach - is doing somersaults right now.

June 1, 2006

Only me again. Sorry.

I've had a revelation. I no longer think that my wife is going through a midlife crisis or anything like that.

I really, honestly think she has a problem with commitment.

It's not me she's leaving at all, is it? It's me, it's the kids, it's the house, it's the mortgage, it's the debt. She's just walking away from it all because she can't handle the fact that there are three people in her life who rely on her, and look to her for love and support and affection, and that she now has real responsibilities.

Really. I think she just can't handle that at all.

And because she can't possibly lose face and blame this on things like the kids, and the debt, she's trying to turn it around so that I'm the problem.

I've actually just been reading about commitment phobia, and as i was lying awake earlier (again) at 4.30 am, it all just slotted into place.

Thinking back, I'm sure the problems started when we had our first child. Things were fantastic beforehand - we had a great social life, great friends, great sex life, good jobs. But she did change a little once the little feller came along and demanded her unconditional love, affection, and time. It also stripped us of much of our social life.

Then our second child happened, which again, sapped more and more of her time - and her social life - away. Then there was me, too, and I have honestly tried to be a good husband and father, and everyone is telling me that they can't fault me at all. Apart from being down about money during the last 12 months, I've done everything I can. And all I ever wanted was for her to love me, too.

And I truly believe that she still does love me. She just can't commit herself to the whole package - me, kids, house, mortgage, real life.

So it all came to a head 5 weeks ago - and it's why she's leaving the kids with me. Because if I really was some kind of monster that made it unbearable for her to be here, and I was the SOLE reason for her needing to leave, she'd have taken the kids with her - or at least she'd have told me to leave WITHOUT the kids.

No-one I speak to about this can believe that this woman is moving out and leaving the kids behind at home. No-one.

And y'know, a couple of things have happened recently that have made me think about this.

For example, I'm here at my parents' place right now with the kids (and will be most of the week) while she gets some of her stuff together - which shouldn't be much because she's only moving into a room. I ended up texting her yesterday about something not connected to any of this, and she asked when I would be heading back over to our house. I texted back to say "whenever is good for her", thinking (or rather HOPING) that she would ask me to come back as soon as I could because she's really missing the kids.

She told me not to come back with the kids until Friday - which will be the evening before she moves out. That, kinda, gives her no more than a couple of hours with the kids that evening before they go to bed - then she moves out the next day.

Plus, a couple of weeks ago, again, I was staying at my parents' place with the kids, and I called her one evening about something. She mentioned that she missed the kids, and that she really wanted to see them, and that I should bring them over as early as possible the next morning. Anyway, that next morning, she texted me to say don't bring the kids over early anymore, and to bring them over later in the afternoon instead, because she had 'things to do'.

They're just two out of lots of similar incidents that I can remember in any detail.

She's breaking free from family life. It's almost as if she doesn't really have the time for them anymore. I hate myself for saying this, because I know she loves our kids more than anything, but right now, it seems like there are more important things in her life.

She's shedding the pressure of having to care for the three of us (even though I do more than my fair share of caring). I really think she wants to go back to the way she was when we first met - and while that's possible for one of us to do, we can't both do it because of the kids, and because that's not the way life works. So she's going off to do it by herself.

She's running away from real life.

For god's sake, this 24 year old kid she's texting all the time is virtually me when I first met her. Hobbies, job, interests, personality, the lot. Thinking about it makes me feel ill.

But I think the most telling part was when I first spoke to her mum about this. Her mum simply said "sorry, but that's the way she is". Her sister said almost exactly the same thing - "she's very selfish" - and has actually told me this indirectly many times throughout our marriage, maybe as a warning? These are things I've tried to ignore, and to dismiss, because I didn't for one minute imagine my wife had this side to her personality, but I guess I can't ignore it anymore.

Maybe all this was inevitable.

And, like watching a plane crash happen right in front of you, no matter how hard you try to save it, there's not a thing you can do about it.

June 1, 2006

But I think the most telling part was when I first spoke to her mum about this. Her mum simply said "sorry, but that's the way she is". Her sister said almost exactly the same thing - "she's very selfish" - and has actually told me this indirectly many times throughout our marriage, maybe as a warning? These are things I've tried to ignore, and to dismiss, because I didn't for one minute imagine my wife had this side to her personality, but I guess I can't ignore it anymore.

If that's all true, then maybe you should consider yourself well shed of her.

While it's sad that she's wandering through life, creating chaos and disharmony... there's nothing you can REALLY do to effectively change it for her. She has to do that for herself.

But in the BIG PICTURE, her vacancy from the family dynamic represents an opportunity for you and your kids to build something more positive. IOW, it's possible for you and the kids to heal without daily chaos, and maybe even to invite someone new into the family someday. Hopefully, someone who'll have a little greater sense of responsibility to the committments they make.

Food for thought anyway.

p.s. You don't have to apologize for your posts, UK. Rants, rambles....whatever's on your mind. That's what it's here for.

June 1, 2006

If that's all true, then maybe you should consider yourself well shed of her.

God, yeah. Half of me thinks the exact same thing. The other half is telling me to hang in there for a little while longer because she's gonna realise what the hell she's doing and snap out of it.

Call me a twat, but I still can't believe that she'd go from making all kinds of plans for us as a family right through to moving out by herself into a rented room in a shared apartment in the space of just 5 weeks.

It's just that she wasn't really distancing herself from me for any great period of time before this happened - or at least she wasn't distancing herself enough for me to consider that anything as drastic as this might happen.

I'm now not sure that there's any more advice that anyone can give me about all of this. I think I've heard it all now. And most of it conflicts with itself.

Ultimately, it all points back to getting on with my life, keeping myself fit and well, accepting what's happenend, being civil about it, looking after the kids, and being the person I was all along. There's more chance that she'll miss me than if i was bitter about the whole thing, but on the other hand, it'll help me get over her faster, too.

I just can't help thinking that getting into some kind of new relationship with someone else as quickly as I can is the only thing that will help shift my focus away from her. Is that completely wrong?

Love, eh. It's a crazy old feeling.

June 1, 2006

Ultimately, it all points back to getting on with my life, keeping myself fit and well, accepting what's happenend, being civil about it, looking after the kids, and being the person I was all along. There's more chance that she'll miss me than if i was bitter about the whole thing, but on the other hand, it'll help me get over her faster, too.

This is pretty much all you can do. Focus on you so you can get your confidence back and that will either bring her back or bring someone new into your life. And really, what else can you do?

I just can't help thinking that getting into some kind of new relationship with someone else as quickly as I can is the only thing that will help shift my focus away from her. Is that completely wrong?

Is that really fair for the new person? There's thousands of things you can do to shift your focus away from your wife. Why involve a third person when you know you're not fully recovered and emotionally healthy?

June 1, 2006

Is that really fair for the new person? There's thousands of things you can do to shift your focus away from your wife. Why involve a third person when you know you're not fully recovered and emotionally healthy?

Probably not, but this has just opened up a huge gap in my life. Like I said in this thread a few thousand posts ago (), I've lost my best friend as well as my wife.

Right now, I just want her (or someone else) to plug that gap quick.

Having said that, she texted me today to see how we were all doing, and we ended up having the same kind of 20 minute long 'best friend' type text conversation that we could have had at any point during our relationship. A little flirty, a little jokey, some play insults - all the normal stuff we've said since day one.

The same thing keeps happening over email. It's like she's still the exact same person (when not in person, for example, over text or email) and that's what's confusing me. Actually, no. That's what's killing me.

I can't realistically suggest no contact because of the kids, either.

So, is she really confused about what she's feeling and doesn't want to cut off from me entirely, or is she just some kind of real, nasty, unfeeling monster who wants to keep me dangling at home with the kids, while she has her own freedom? She wouldn't do that to me, would she?

Arrrrgh.

June 1, 2006

Soon you need to get a babysitter for the kids and have a guys night out with your friends. Just go do whatever you guys want to do and have some fun. Do something good for your psyche. You need to pick yourself up and deal with whatever is going to happen and yes it is possible she is playing some sick game and in that case you would be better off without her

June 1, 2006

Soon you need to get a babysitter for the kids and have a guys night out with your friends. Just go do whatever you guys want to do and have some fun. Do something good for your psyche. You need to pick yourself up and deal with whatever is going to happen and yes it is possible she is playing some sick game and in that case you would be better off without her

Damn, I am doing that as often as I can. Like I said, I've been out more in the last 5 weeks than in the last 6 months. But you know what - I pretty sure that I don't have one friend who's single, and who I can go chase girls with.

Everyone's married, virtually all of them have kids, and practically all of them, including their wives, were good friends with my wife and me.

I actually think a date or two - but nothing too serious - would help, to be honest.

Beer helps, too.

June 1, 2006

Right now, I just want her (or someone else) to plug that gap quick.

The problem is, this is YOUR responsiblity to fill it, noone else. This is probably why your relationship, like so many others here, has got to where it is. You stopped taking responsibility for your own happiness and expected someone else to make you happy. This is a very unhealthy situation. Yes, i agree that you need to get out and have a life, but you can do that by getting involved in new activities, making new friends, starting a new hobby. The last thing you need right now is getting into another relationship where you have to learn how to interact with a new person and how to mesh your life with them and their feelings. You're not on stable ground and the more weight you add to your life, the harder you're going to fall. When was the last time you were single? Quiet a while I imagine. Why not take this time to be single again? There is plenty of time for dating and stuff and before you know it, you'll meet someone and want to settle down again, and then get all caught up in the hoopla of marital daily life. Then you will be wishing you had taken some time out and just got to know yourself better.

June 1, 2006

There is plenty of time for dating and stuff and before you know it, you'll meet someone and want to settle down again, and then get all caught up in the hoopla of marital daily life. Then you will be wishing you had taken some time out and just got to know yourself better.

Yes. You're right again. I'm being irrational. Very. I think it's the great weather we have outside, and the fact that I've just seen two of the most gorgeous girls I've ever seen walk past.

Hey, I'll keep posting and you keep knocking me back down to earth, ok.

Damn dgiirl. You should start charging for this stuff.

June 1, 2006

lol ok i'll be quiet

June 1, 2006

lol ok i'll be quiet

No, don't. Seriously, you're doing me some good.

Now, about that date I mentioned a few thousand posts ago in this thread...

June 1, 2006

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

That will answer all of your questions. The "I'm not the right person for you" stuff is called "Babble".

Believe me I got a good dose of it from my stbxh.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Her problems are her problems.

We're here for you.

Debilou

June 1, 2006

No, don't. Seriously, you're doing me some good.

Now, about that date I mentioned a few thousand posts ago in this thread...

I'm waiting for you to come and pick me up

June 1, 2006

www.marriagebuilders.com

That will answer all of your questions. The "I'm not the right person for you" stuff is called "Babble".

Believe me I got a good dose of it from my stbxh.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Her problems are her problems.

We're here for you. Debilou

When my XW left ~ the only reason she gave was that I "needed to change" and that I was a workaholic (I was in the Marines for crying out loud!). Even after we had been divorced for a number of years ~ even after she had re-married to DH No. # 3, I asked ~ I wanted to know? I didn't beat her, run around on her, drink up the rent money, gamble away the grovcery man ~ I was a good husband ~ by her own admission ~ so why?

For the better part of the last sixteen years ~ I've been walking around like the "walking dead" a part of me had died ~ and I thought had been lost forever ~ from which I would never recover. I haven't been living ~ I've been exsisting. Going through the motions of day-to-day life. And, I've said it often that I've been my own worse enemy in all of this. And, by far the person that was beating me up the worse ~ was myself ~ without a doubt ~ and without question. Everyone else, my XW, my children had closure ~ and have moved on with their lives ~ but I didn't, my rational mind could not wrap around this ~ there was no rationality nor logic to it ~ for it ~ because of it!

I couldn't reconcile my self idenity ~ with this person ~ this man? that my X was divorcing. I was a devoted husband, and father, with a good job, good pay, good benefits, whose honor and integrity meant everything. People that know me describe me as smart, intellegent, well educated,................????? I just didn't "get it"

Until today ~ today ~ I read your post to this thread ~ I saw the link ~ I checked it out ~as I have so many, and found the answer to the question that I've literally been looking for ~ for years and years. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

Thanks for the link ~ YOU'VE MADE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN SOMEONE'S LIFE TODAY!!!! YOU'VE CHANGED MY LIFE, I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW~ I'VE GOT THE CLOSURE I'VE SO LONG LOOKED FOR AND SOUGHT FOR YEARS AND YEARS! I can see clearly now, the rain has gone, the clouds have parted ~ I've found that part of me that I lost and that had died sixteen years ~ I understand "Why?" now!

God bless

And thanks again

Gunny

June 1, 2006

I'm waiting for you to come and pick me up

I'll be there in ummm... around five years. Is 8pm OK with you? I should be over my wife by then. With any luck.

When was the last time you were single? Quiet a while I imagine. Why not take this time to be single again?

Why not? Because I don't actually like being single. I like sharing stuff with someone too much to do it all on my own. Experiences, thoughts, memories, feelings, stuff. I'm a talker. I like having someone to talk to. Even just someone to talk *at* would be good right now.

Actually, dgiirl, that gives me the perfect excuse to ask for your number.

Was that smooth. Or was that smooth?

Seriously, though, it's not that I'm scared to be on my own, or anything like that. I just don't really like it much.

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I'm totally and utterly heartbroken.

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