I don't know if it's a stress disorder, or compulsiveness, or what.

[PuppyDogEyes]

The relationship with my boyfriend (now ex, I think, unfortunately) is very strained - he's finding more and more reason to avoid me, usually using his activities at school as an excuse. I really think he's decided that he's done with my "issues" - unfortunately I can't blame him too much. He tried, and did his best, but in the end it was all too much for him.

 

I think that how I'm handling this is a definite sign that I'm getting healthier, though. While I'm very sad... at the same time, I'm understanding of why things have transpired the way that they have. Prior to therapy I would have done nothing but blame myself, cried for weeks, not eaten, not slept, more blame.. a vicious cycle. I would have completely fallen apart. I might have even tried another attempt on my life...

 

I've been just trying to take things one day at a time here recently. There's going to be (and has been) bad days. Most of the time what I've done is simply take a hot shower, curl up in bed in my stupid fuzzy pink robe with a good book.... sleep a little more than usual. (I have chronic insomnia, so any sleep I get is good.) Sometimes I lose myself in a stupid TV program, usually a dumb comedy or something, and I'll end up smiling a little instead of sobbing. I consider every little smile a victory. I really do.

 

I'm supposed to be going out to dinner with a few old friends tonight, hopefully, if the rain doesn't spoil the plans. Even skipping therapy tonight (which my therapist has fully encouraged, saying that anything I can do to improve my social life is good at this point!). The Paxil has made a huge, huge difference. It's starting to kick in real good now. I still cry, but at the same time, I'm starting to feel a sort of quiet peace with myself that I never have before. It's as if all of the stupid negative voices in my head have finally shut up.

 

I'm still sad about my (ex)boyfriend, but... he tried. He's blameless in this.

 

I can't hope for another relationship right now. It won't fix the underlying problems... but sometimes I feel so lost without love in my life. I don't know... as stated, one day at a time. One day at a time.

 

I'm doing better. I really am.

 

You guys have (and are continuing) to help me so much. I've drunk in every one of your words, and I'm taking them to heart. Thank you so very much, all of you... it's amazing, how this place has helped me and continues to help me to heal.

 

-pde.

[Becoming]

The Paxil has made a huge, huge difference. It's starting to kick in real good now. I still cry, but at the same time, I'm starting to feel a sort of quiet peace with myself that I never have before. It's as if all of the stupid negative voices in my head have finally shut up.

 

I'm still sad about my (ex)boyfriend, but... he tried. He's blameless in this.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your lost dreams with this guy. You know you're blameless, too. He just wasn't able to care for you in the way you need. You're not "too much." You're just you, and all the gifts that you are outweigh "the baggage" that is what has made you you with all the insights and sensitivities that you have.

 

So being free of this relationship that keeps you feeling bad about yourself has now opened you up to accepting the love of someone who will appreciate all of who you are.

 

And thank God for people who spend their lives developing drugs that help!

For all its bad press, Nefazadone (Serzone) has helped me. Never tried Paxil.

 

It sounds like you're in the process of learning that you don't need someone else's love to make you happy--you just need your love of you. Then you will be sending out vibes that will attract another's good love to you when the time is right.

 

Thanks for the update, pde. I'm not on LS much anymore, but your news is one I look out for.

 

Shalom to you. All of what shalom means is for you. It's not just for others; it's for you, too.

[PuppyDogEyes]

I almost half feel like this is a diary, in some ways.

 

I've had a couple of really awful days recently, but the frequency of them has diminished to incredible levels. Where I might be upset and crying 25 out of 30 days, now it's down to maybe 1 or 2 out of 30. Massive improvement.

 

I'm slowly beginning to deal with all that has happened to me, both in my distant and my recent pasts. Some of it's pretty nasty. A huge question that looms in my mind these days is "Why?", of course, but I don't know if that can ever really be answered. I don't really like knowing that it may never be answered, but I guess that it's a trade-off for feeling at least somewhat human again. I'm starting to make some friends. I'm getting out and being more social, something that I don't think I could have even fathomed six months ago - so yeah, I would call this a success. I'm a far cry from the person I was when I began this thread, that's for sure.

 

The Paxil is helping me. I'm also doing a little bit of meditation, after seeing it recommended in other threads, and that's helping me as well. I never knew that I actually had to teach myself to relax, isn't that something? I never realized how driven society really is - it's kind of scary, in a way. But I try not to let things intimidate me as much as they used to. It all turned out to be a lot more than just post-traumatic stress disorder, of course - there was and still is a lot more lying underneath the surface of the original problem - but my God, I'm glad I got therapy. My therapist is the absolute best - I don't know where I'd be without her.

 

I wanted to thank everyone who replied to this thread over the last few months - your words, combined with my therapy and my own self-realizations, have at least turned me 90 degrees, if not 180. This will probably be the last post from me - at least on this thread, anyway - unless I have something of a severe setback, which I'm hoping wont happen, of course.

 

I guess that you can chalk this up as... okay, maybe not exactly a success story, but... I'll call it an "aiming for success" story. How's that?

 

- pde.