Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Hi guys...been awhile since I posted here. For those of you that remember me (and my story), I was the OW to a MM I work with. The affair lasted 5 months...FIVE months of emotional hell I might add. We ended it last November when I kicked him out of my house, (left his wife to be with me), of which he promptly moved back in with her. And like the many OW here....he made claims of "deep love" for me within the first month we started the affair, even going as far as proposing marriage after his divorce (which, of course, he never filed for). Initially, he told me his marriage was over, that she had a boyfriend and agreed that she wanted a divorce when their daughter left for college this coming Spring. To make a long story short, it was all a lie. The wife never agreed to a divorce, did not have a boyfriend, and still loved her husband, who, BTW...had 3 affairs prior to ours. Needless to say, I couldn't take anymore and sent him home. For the most part, he has left me alone. Until recently... He has made numerous awkward attempts to be "friendly" towards me at work. Also, I'm receiving quite a few "hang up" calls and I've no doubt it's him. He's suppose to be working on his marriage, but apparently he must be getting bored with her again. In any event, I will NEVER allow him back into my life again. Working with him does make things uncomfortable, but that's just something I'll have to deal with right now. Okay...on to the real reason for this post. Back in February of this year, a few friends of mine set me up with this guy to help lift my spirits from my breakup with MM. I honestly didn't want to go out on this date because I was still licking my wounds, didn't feel I was ready to get involved with anybody. But then I decided it was just a date and it would probably be good for me to get out and have some fun. The date went well, although I wasn't that attracted to him. However, he was a nice guy and we laughed a lot. The next morning, he called and we talked on the phone for hours. We decided to go out again that evening. But then he started moving in on my life...started to dominate my time, wanted to get serious immediately. Within weeks, he bought me a diamond ring as a "symbol" of his "genuine" feelings for me. I kept telling him I wasn't ready for anything serious, that I was still healing from my relationship with MM. He remained patient, but was spending more and more time at my house, and with each visit, would bring a few personal items with him and leaving these items at my house. Within weeks after meeting him, he had semi-moved in with me and was spending every night at my house. He told me he wanted me to move in with him, wanted to marry me and was busy mapping out our life together. The biggest reservation I had about this guy was the speed in which he was trying to move our relationship, but also his past with alcohol and violence (when he drank). He has been sober for quite a few years now, but admitted to being tempted with alcohol "now and then." I made it clear to him that if he ever touched alcohol, we would be through. It was agreed between us that should he ever drink, that would be the deal breaker. Okay, so I came home from work this past Thursday and smelled alcohol on him. He admitted that he and his sister had "a few beers" earlier in the day. Needless to say, I was furious (as he had promised he would never drink given his past history with alcohol), and asked him to pack his things and leave. He begged, cried, said he wouldn't do it again...but I refused to budge on my decision and insisted he leave, which he did. I don't know, guys...I think after what I was put through in my relationship with MM, I have ZERO tolerance for BS. Perhaps I was a little harsh on this guy, maybe I should have given him a second chance, but I'm just not in the mood for it anymore. And now I'm starting to wonder if the damage done to me during my relationship with MM is permanent...that I will NEVER again trust a man. I'm starting to feel like a "loser magnet." Married men....alcoholics...what next? I'm about reading to give up for good... ~Torn Up~ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 All Torn Up... It sounds like you knew from the beginning that you did not really want this new man in your life but you took the time to get to know him and realized for sure that he was not the one for you. It is impossible to know everything about someone right away, but now you have lived through some unfortunate experiences and you will learn from them. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 You are not a loser magnet....Unfortunately, there is nothing really to stop ALL kinds of men from being attracted to you. It sounds like you are a smart, strong, undoubtedly attractive, loving, and kind woman. Of course you are going to attract a multitude of guys...good and bad. Just be more cautious and selective. Let these men EARN your trust, and then allow them access to your life. I am convinced that there are a multitude of wonderful, available men in this big, old world. And, I for one, believe that, when the timing is right, these wonderful men will come and find us. We really do have alot to offer....I believe that...wholeheartedly. Keep your chin up.... Walking Away Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Hey! I'm a loser! Are you a psycho bitch?? If you are, this could be a match made in Heaven! Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Is he an alcoholic who has decided/been told he needs to stay off alcohol for good, and him doing this is breaking his own decisions and basically an admission he is through with life..? Or is he someone who had a few bad times and turned to alcohol and YOU decided that touching alcohol again would be a deal breaker for you..? If his sister, and the friends who set you up with him don't think it's such a bad thing... then why do you..? Are you looking for problems..? Or are they over looking them? Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Hey! I'm a loser! Are you a psycho bitch?? If you are, this could be a match made in Heaven! oh boy, exactly what she is trying to avoid!!! and no I don't think that she is a psycho bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 All Torn Up... It sounds like you knew from the beginning that you did not really want this new man in your life but you took the time to get to know him and realized for sure that he was not the one for you. To be honest, I didn't feel he was giving me the time to get to know him. He immediately launched in to mapping our lives out together and I was starting to feel smothered. It was just going too fast for my comfort, especially given what I had just gone through with MM. I told him this, several times, but he seemed to minimize my concerns...kept telling me that when I learned to trust him, I'd relax and everything would work out. He told me that I needed to tear down my "walls" so our relationship would develop into what he hoped it would. He just seemed to be too anxious, too much in a hurry for a relationship and I couldn't help but wonder why. But drinking isn't something I'll tolerate...especially when the "drinker" has a history of being violent while under the influence. Just not the type of drama I need in my life right now. On second thought, it's not the type of drama I'll EVER want in my life! Thankyou for your feedback, Pricilla...much appreciated. ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 oh boy, exactly what she is trying to avoid!!! and no I don't think that she is a psycho bitch! Damn. I guess the search goes on... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 It sounds like you are a smart, strong, undoubtedly attractive, loving, and kind woman. Of course you are going to attract a multitude of guys...good and bad. Just be more cautious and selective. Let these men EARN your trust, and then allow them access to your life. I am convinced that there are a multitude of wonderful, available men in this big, old world. And, I for one, believe that, when the timing is right, these wonderful men will come and find us.Walking Away Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Walking. Very much appreciated. You're right, of course...that there are good men in this world, no doubt. But when you've made some poor choices....I mean some really BAD choices as I have in the "mate-picking" department, you find yourself extremely leery when potential mates come along. Right now, I don't think I trust any of them. My biggest hope is in time I will learn to trust again. My biggest fear is....that I will never trust again. I have to tell you, Walking...I love your positive attitude! ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Is he an alcoholic who has decided/been told he needs to stay off alcohol for good, and him doing this is breaking his own decisions and basically an admission he is through with life..? Or is he someone who had a few bad times and turned to alcohol and YOU decided that touching alcohol again would be a deal breaker for you..? If his sister, and the friends who set you up with him don't think it's such a bad thing... then why do you..? Are you looking for problems..? Or are they over looking them? Sami D He has voilent tendencies when he drinks, that can be a scary thing, that would be a deal breaker for me, everybody would like to have someone they love and trust in thier life, but there has to be trust, and how can she trust somone who drinks to much and won't give her her space as she has asked him to take it slow. I dated someone who drank just a little to much, although he was never violent he did drink and drive, not a smart idea at all who knows who he could have hurt. One day he called me and he crashes his car in a snow bank and another time we had an argument because of his drinking, he was drunk at the time... he went off because he was mad at me and an hour later I went looking for him and found him passed out in his truck and he had thrown up. I would hope that his sister and his friends have a problem with his addiction, look at the possible consequences to hurt himself or others. I don't think that she is looking for problems at all she is trying to avoid them and attract someone that she can trust... Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 He has voilent tendencies when he drinks Fair enough. I just don't understand the idea of friends of mine setting me up with someone who was a problem person... esp. after I just got out of a MM situation... some friends. And... Whether or not you care to attract 'problem people' is up to you. Either your friends thing you have no standards... or you have no taste in friends... or something.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Hey! I'm a loser! Are you a psycho bitch?? If you are, this could be a match made in Heaven! Cute! Of all the comedians in the world who are out of work...we get stuck with THIS one! ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Fair enough. I just don't understand the idea of friends of mine setting me up with someone who was a problem person... esp. after I just got out of a MM situation... some friends. And... Whether or not you care to attract 'problem people' is up to you. Either your friends thing you have no standards... or you have no taste in friends... or something.... I can see your point but things are not always black and white. Maybe this person hides his violent tendencies from his friends and family Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 I can see your point but things are not always black and white. Maybe this person hides his violent tendencies from his friends and family Well, possibly. Not sure I can see where this is leading on an OW/OM forum, however... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Is he an alcoholic who has decided/been told he needs to stay off alcohol for good, and him doing this is breaking his own decisions and basically an admission he is through with life..? Or is he someone who had a few bad times and turned to alcohol and YOU decided that touching alcohol again would be a deal breaker for you..? If his sister, and the friends who set you up with him don't think it's such a bad thing... then why do you..? Are you looking for problems..? Or are they over looking them? Whoa there, Sami...can you please put some breaks on your snap judgements?? There's only so much one can bang out on their key board when typing out a post here, especially so when space is limited and the post has grown long enough. So, to answer some of your questions I will elaborate about his drinking. Three years ago he got drunk and beat his father to the point of hospitalization...damn near killed him. He was sent to jail for that one. And that's not the only time he's physically attacked others while under the influence. Also, he had 2 heart attacks...the last one about a year ago and was close to fatal...and was told by a cardiologist that his heart has taken major damage from the alcohol. He was told that if he continued to drink, he would die. The cardiologist was VERY clear on this point. As a result, he has spent the past 3 years in AA meetings, and for the most part, has done well staying clear of alcohol. When I learned of his past with alcohol, (both the violence, jail time, and physical problems as a result), I made it clear to him that I would NOT tolerate his drinking, which he quickly agreed to. He gave a me a promise he would never touch alcohol and would understand my breaking up with him if he did. The friends who set me up with him had NOTHING to do with his drinking last Thursday. That was his sister's doing...the same sister who has interferred with just about every relationship he has had with a woman. The sister has a drinking problem as well, and is, in my opinion, very imbalanced. I could go on and on about the sick issues with her, but I think you get the picture here. She KNEW I wouldn't tolerate his drinking, KNEW his drinking would be the deal breaker between he and I, so she showed up on his doorstep while I was at work with beer, and he caved in. Sat down and drank with her, and by the time I got off of work, his speech was slurred and he reeked of beer. The sister was extremely threatened by his relationship with me as she feared losing him to me, so she tempted him with alcohol, knowing this is his weakness, and would ultimately break us up if he chose to drink...which he did. Now, mind you...this is the same sister who claims to "love him dealy." Hmmmm....if she loves him so much, why in God's name would she bring him alcohol KNOWING how violent he can get under the influence, not to mention it could eventually kill him? But you know what? Sick as his sister is, it's not her fault, is it? The choice was his, wasn't it? With everything on the line....his health, his freedom, our relationship, he still chose to drink...knowing that it would be the end of us. He begged, he cried, he tried to minimize the seriousness of it, but I remained firm on my decision to send him away. Tell you what, Sami. After the BS I put up with from the MM, I REFUSE to be played again. I REFUSE to put up with lies, broken promises and a life of deceit. And if that makes me a bad person...so be it. Ya live...ya learn, which I have. ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 22, 2006 Author Share Posted April 22, 2006 Fair enough. I just don't understand the idea of friends of mine setting me up with someone who was a problem person... esp. after I just got out of a MM situation... some friends. And... Whether or not you care to attract 'problem people' is up to you. Either your friends thing you have no standards... or you have no taste in friends... or something.... In response to this, I again refer you to the post I just wrote you. ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 torn, you sound like a very strong person stay true to yourself and you will find what your looking for, even if you do find some bumps in the road along the way. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted April 22, 2006 Share Posted April 22, 2006 Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Walking. Very much appreciated. You're right, of course...that there are good men in this world, no doubt. But when you've made some poor choices....I mean some really BAD choices as I have in the "mate-picking" department, you find yourself extremely leery when potential mates come along. Right now, I don't think I trust any of them. My biggest hope is in time I will learn to trust again. My biggest fear is....that I will never trust again. I have to tell you, Walking...I love your positive attitude! ~Torn~ A positive attitude is what is getting me through this mess of a life of mine. I, too, have made some REALLY bad relationship decisions, too. But, I refuse to be defeated. I am a fighter, as I sense that many OW are. When the time is right, and when you can trust again, love will present itself to you. Believe it. Don't let a few bad apples spoil the whole bunch! WA Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 Three years ago he got drunk and beat his father to the point of hospitalization...damn near killed him. He was sent to jail for that one. And that's not the only time he's physically attacked others while under the influence. Also, he had 2 heart attacks...the last one about a year ago and was close to fatal...and was told by a cardiologist that his heart has taken major damage from the alcohol. He was told that if he continued to drink, he would die. The cardiologist was VERY clear on this point. As a result, he has spent the past 3 years in AA meetings, and for the most part, has done well staying clear of alcohol. When I learned of his past with alcohol, (both the violence, jail time, and physical problems as a result), I made it clear to him that I would NOT tolerate his drinking, which he quickly agreed to. He gave a me a promise he would never touch alcohol and would understand my breaking up with him if he did. Good call on kicking him out given what you indicated above. I think you have set the boundaries very clear and like you said, drinking was a deal breaker for the relationship and that was what he particpated in. He knew what the consequences of drinking was and still did it. He risked his health and his relationship. Its too bad. Tell you what, Sami. After the BS I put up with from the MM, I REFUSE to be played again. I REFUSE to put up with lies, broken promises and a life of deceit. No one should put up with lies, broken promisses and a life of deceit. If that's how you percieved his action, then if you stay, you would always wonder when he would break his next promise. I think to get to where you were with him in two months is a bit too quick and you were right to have the concern of the relationship moving too fast and not being able to get to know him. And if that makes me a bad person...so be it. No, having low tolerance doesn't make you a bad person at all. Don't even think that! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted April 23, 2006 Share Posted April 23, 2006 You feel very much the way my wife did which is why she had no relationships, whatsoever, for 11 years before we married. She still has major trust and abandonment issues and sometimes feels unworthy despite my best attempts to reassure her that I'm here for the long-haul. The only reason she agreed to marry me was that we'd been friends for five years before I finally asked her out and she had never found any reason nNOT to trust me. That's not as good a finding reasons TO trust me but I'll take what I can get. It's worked for us for going on 10 years. I hope you find the right relationship for yourself. Beware the bum's rush! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 He knew what the consequences of drinking was and still did it. He risked his health and his relationship. Its too bad. Exactly. And I've no doubt that had I chose to "turn a blind eye," to "forgive and forget" would have only prolonged the eventual breakup. He would have done it again, no doubt...figuring that I would once again forgive him, because, after all, I did the first time. Perhaps in my younger years, but not anymore. Been down this path before and I know where it leads. No thanx! No one should put up with lies, broken promisses and a life of deceit. If that's how you percieved his action, then if you stay, you would always wonder when he would break his next promise. Bingo! Basically, he violated my trust of him. My rationale is...if he broke this promise, what's to stop him from breaking another in the future? He's already proven that he is capable of breaking his promises, so why stick around for more heartbreak? Nope, I've had enough. I think to get to where you were with him in two months is a bit too quick and you were right to have the concern of the relationship moving too fast and not being able to get to know him. The speed of which he was moving this relationship really bothered me. I asked him once if he was in love with ME, or was he in love with the idea of BEING in love. He was always adamant that he was in love with ME, and why couldn't I see that? I don't know, it just seems odd to me that a man (or woman) could start mapping out a future with you within weeks of meeting you. That just doesn't seem realistic to me, and smacks of desperation and neediness. No, having low tolerance doesn't make you a bad person at all. Don't even think that! Thank you so much for your support, Zara. At this point in my life, I'd rather be alone than involved with an unhealthy mate. Tell you what...I'm seriously thinking about taking a looooooong sabbath from men! ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 torn, you sound like a very strong person stay true to yourself and you will find what your looking for, even if you do find some bumps in the road along the way. Ohhhhh...I certainly hope so, Pricillia. But today, my hope is a bit on the brass side. ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Torn Up Posted April 23, 2006 Author Share Posted April 23, 2006 You feel very much the way my wife did which is why she had no relationships, whatsoever, for 11 years before we married. She still has major trust and abandonment issues and sometimes feels unworthy despite my best attempts to reassure her that I'm here for the long-haul. The only reason she agreed to marry me was that we'd been friends for five years before I finally asked her out and she had never found any reason nNOT to trust me. That's not as good a finding reasons TO trust me but I'll take what I can get. It's worked for us for going on 10 years. I hope you find the right relationship for yourself. Beware the bum's rush! Thank you for this, Curm. And you're right...I do have some serious trust issues, this I know. It would be easy for me to bash the male species, put the blame all on them. But the truth of the matter is...I've only myself to blame for the poor choices I've made. I KNOW there are good men out there. But I involved myself with enough losers to the point of irreversible damage, I fear. Only so many blows a heart can take before it hardens for protection. Your wife is a lucky woman to have met a man as patient, and no doubt loving, as you. It must have been frustrating for you trying to tear her wall down. And I know how resistant and tough those walls can be. Boy, do I know! Congratulations on you long-standing marriage. Hopefully, my prince will will ride in some day. *sigh....* ~Torn~ Link to post Share on other sites
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