, My wife has left me after 7 years.

[mysticflea]

I have hit a hard spot in life it seems. My wife and I have had an up and down marriage for a while now. There has never been any cheating abuse or any serious problems , just the fact that we could not agree on most stuff. We have two amazing little girls together, and I miss them being here every day. I will have them almost split time at the moment and my wife and I will work this out together not through custody battles. We recently started counselling but it didnt work. She now will go to one or two more counselling sessions to help me understand why she is leaving me. I miss her so much, I can barely go to work and am seeming a little desperate at this point as i call her every day. She has moved to her moms with the kids just down the street and says she is ready to accomplish what she could not accomplish with me. She is certain that she wants out and is being very cold hearted about it. She says she will never come back, she is done with all this and does not want to be married anymore. Is anyone else going through this on here?

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain.

 

It seems she's giving up on the marriage too easily, maybe out of fear that things will get better and she'll have to work harder to keep the marriage going. Marriage IS hard work sometimes, just like everything else in life.

 

I just hope she feels she's given it her best so there are no regrets. I know you don't want to see this advice, but if someone wants out and decides it's over there isn't alot you can do about it. Maybe a trial separation, some time apart will help. And continue with counselling even if you two separate.

 

For the sake of the kids atleast both of you are on the same page not to drag it into the courts if the marriage does infact end.

 

I think you need to go to counselling for yourself too as you might slip into a depression. You're already down and out now, so make sure to talk about this with someone professional.

[mysticflea]

Thanks for the advice, I ma trying to seperate myself from it, and just move on, I guess what is meant to be will be. Its just so damn hard. I think the one thing that bothers me the most is seeing her with someone else. I will be very jealous, any advice on this would be greatly appreciated!

[mysticflea]

So I had a bad conversation with my wife this morning, She told me that if she goes out and meets someone that she is not going to say no. I have asked her to wait to let things heal but it seems that only one of us needs healing. This is very difficult for me. I still love her very much and would do anything to get her back. It jsut seems very pointless. She is being very clear with me that this is over, but I just cant help thinking that something somewhere could change her mind. The problem is she is being told by all her friends that this is good and that they should go out now that they are all single together. This is hurting me deeply. I am trying to think positive and move on but The love I have for her is so strong. I know i should just give up and try to get on with my own life. I worry about the kids getting attached to someone else, they are young. I am agret adad and I am always there for my kids, I have them about 50% right now. They truly are the most important things in my life. The fact that they are not at home with me also is hurting.

My wife is going to councelling and is being told that she should go out and meet other people. This is the same guy that told us during our marriage counselling that we are incompatible.!!

I hate that guy.

With all the advice she is getting it is impossible to get anywhere with her!

Help

[Ladyjane14]

So I had a bad conversation with my wife this morning, She told me that if she goes out and meets someone that she is not going to say no.

 

As long as she is still married to YOU....then 'meeting someone else and not saying no' is Adultery. I think if I were you, I'd politely inform her of that.

 

You might also start keeping a journal to introduce as evidence in a divorce proceeding if adultery is grounds in your state.

 

There are sites online where you can get more information on divorce law state by state. Here's one of them: http://divorcenet.com

[Guest]

As long as she is still married to YOU....then 'meeting someone else and not saying no' is Adultery. I think if I were you, I'd politely inform her of that.

 

You might also start keeping a journal to introduce as evidence in a divorce proceeding if adultery is grounds in your state.

 

There are sites online where you can get more information on divorce law state by state. Here's one of them: http://divorcenet.com

 

When my wife split with me she said she wasn't sure why we needed to split up but was sure she was doing the right thing. Within a couple of months we had both had relationships with others and within three months we were back together.

 

Her meeting someone else will be horrible I know, but it doesn't necessarily mean you will be over forever. The grass isn't always greener!

[mysticflea]

I am really struggling now, I have been seperated for 3 weeks and my wife is clearly moving on. I dont think there is any one else just yet but I feel it is close. I fear I will hit a wall when that happens. I have been with her for 7 years married and we have two kids so the thought of her with another man is too much to take. She is going out tomorrow and has made it clear that if she meets someone she will not say no. She is avery beautiful girl and her meeting someone will be very easy. She always got attention. After meeting someone new do you think that she will not be so amazed by this, do you think she will realize the loss. I am doing verything I can to noit focus on her and to focus on me, but it is so hard.

Has anyone experienced a similar situation, and how have you managed to deal with this. I am hoping one day down the line we will reconnect I know i have a lot of work to do but this marriage is so important to me. I am trying to give her as much space as i can, but we have kids so i see her all the time. Do feelings appear after a divorce? Do women change there minds ever? For now I am moving on but it is tough, We will have to see what the future holds. I know the only reason she is leaving me is because she thinks things will never change. If i could somehow prove to her that things could change i woul dbe in with ashot.

Help is needed for this crying dad!

[dgiirl]

MysticFlea, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, but please believe me when I say things will get better, with or without her. Let yourself grieve, but also give yourself time. I was you over a year ago. I cried so much for so long, but I needed to get it out of my system. It's healthy to cry. But give yourself a break too, dont beat yourself up for everything that went wrong. You both made this mess, and instead of her sticking around to help clean it up, she's being selfish. If it helps, go to the library and read as much as you can on divorce and relationships. It might help you learn new ways to interact with your wife and communicate better, and worse case, you'll be improving yourself for your next relationship. Just keep your mind busy. The hardest lessons for me to learn, but also the most empowering ones were I cannot control my spouses actions and I'm responsible for my own happiness. When your whole happiness is dependant on another person, it's not a healthy relationship. It is your job right now to grieve and to figure out how to make yourself happy. Envision what your life will be like to make yourself happy. Give yourself some simple goals that you want to accomplish in the next few months, next year, few years, etc. Once you figure out how to make yourself happy, everything else will fall into place! Either she'll come back, or someone better will come along, but your job right now is to work on YOU.

 

Write and vent as much as you want. It really does help.

[scobro]

She is going out tomorrow and has made it clear that if she meets someone she will not say no.

 

That was real nice of her to say:rolleyes:

 

I was in your shoes last year I came to this site in absolute agony.My wife left me and was dating some guy within 2 weeks I was devestated and all the other emotions I lost 15 pounds couldn't eat or sleep.

I was so hurt it was almost excrutiating just to get out of bed.I decided to work on myself and did things I never would have done if I was with my wife.I ended up meeting a new woman about 5 months later and I actually now have a friendship with my ex wife.In fact I was at her place last week for dinner and we had not seen each other for 8 months we understood each others concerns talked about how it ended and are now going to be friends.In fact I talk to her about the girl I was dating and getting advice but back when I was in your shoes I wouldn't have pissed on her if she was on fire.

So you never know what can happen in life.I am living proof you heal and go on if it's not meant to be with your wife then this is why it is happening because there is something else in store for you and for her.

O ne book that helped me realise how to overcome all the pain was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle it changed the way I thought about the whole situation.I would start reading his stuff and download some lectures of his off the internet.

My advice is don't get walked on by your ex just move on gratiously because 8 months from now you could be having dinner and wine at her place just like I did and believe me i would never have thought that would happen 3 weeks into our separation.I was the biggest mess but I came on this site everyday as therapy and now I am on it about a new relationship turmoil.

It seems like the end of the world but you will bounce back if I can anyone can and I know you will.Keep posting here it's the best lots of great people here to help you,they sure help me all the time.

Good luck it will work out I promise you that:)

[mysticflea]

What a rollercoaster this is. Tonight I am having my kids for a few days, at least the 50/50 parenting is working. However tonight my wife is going out dancing and My jealousy will kick in. It is going to be a tough day. I am hoping to have a great weekend with my girls and i am planning on taking them fishing and getting out of the house if the weather cooperates. I am still waking up every morning at 5:00 with a fluttering heart and panic. I am trying to just be there for her if she needs me. I have stopped pushing for a return but deep down hope it will happen one day. Is there a time when she may realize what she has left? Is it normal for her to want to go out and meet new people and have fun so soon, or is she maybe telling me this just to set clear boundaries about her feelings for me. Tonight will be the hardest time whilst I am at home with our kids, she will be out mixing with others for the first time in 8 years. Are my feelings normal, is it ok to be jealous. Whats the best way to look at this?

I thank you all for your support during this most difficult time in my life.

You have all been great.

[dgiirl]

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Of course you are jealous and scared. Who wouldnt be? But the BEST way to get through this is to stop imagining what she is doing because you honestly do NOT know what she is doing. She might be out partying or she might be at home crying. She might get hit on, or she might get rejected big time. You really dont know what is going on, so stop imagining. Just focus on yourself and your kids. Be present in the present.

 

Often, I would have to just actively force thoughts of him out of my head, and just take a deep breath and pay attention to my surroundings. Right this very moment, you are OK. Look at the details of whatever is around you. At this very moment, there is noone there who is hurting you. Embrace that moment. Relax just for a second and feel the calm and serenity of the present moment. It's ok and it will be ok.

[Woggle]

Never show any sadness or heartbreak in frong of her. Make her think you are having the time of your life. Women do this type of thing all the time so you are not the only in this situation. Just let her go and have fun yourself when you don't have your kids. In no way I am saying this will change her mind but the best way to win a woman back is to show her you can thrive without her.

[SmoochieFace]

Never show any sadness or heartbreak in frong of her. Make her think you are having the time of your life. Women do this type of thing all the time so you are not the only in this situation. Just let her go and have fun yourself when you don't have your kids. In no way I am saying this will change her mind but the best way to win a woman back is to show her you can thrive without her.

 

I wouldn't even want to win her back but I agree that you need to live your life and enjoy it. Do it for YOU only. Not easy - especially in the beginning - but that is the best way to get through this.

[Woggle]

I wouldn't even want to win her back but I agree that you need to live your life and enjoy it. Do it for YOU only. Not easy - especially in the beginning - but that is the best way to get through this.

 

If there comes a day when my soon to be wife leaves I will tell her go ahead and leave. Good luck and don't let the door hit you on the way out. I refuse to cry over a woman.

[SmoochieFace]

If there comes a day when my soon to be wife leaves I will tell her go ahead and leave. Good luck and don't let the door hit you on the way out. I refuse to cry over a woman.

 

That's what I told the XW. Yep, her luck was wonderful. Now she has a lifetime case of the herpes from her new *beau*.

 

Karma sure is a real bitch, ain't it?

[michelangelo]

because your wife has not been completely truthful about things.

 

She hints at saying she'll meet other men now.

 

My gut read on this is that she already has.

[mysticflea]

So ifeel slightly better than i thought i would tonight. My kids are here and we are enjoying our time together. I told her exactly how i feel today, she was still clear that nothing was going to change but I wanted her to know how i felt. I told her I would be here and working on myself and that I would like to have my family together but that I understand and respect her decision. I feel a little better. Now she knows how I feel and i awill drop it from now on. I will not ask her where she is going or what she is doing, and If she wants to go meet someone else, sure it will be hard, but I will accept it, and will just keep doing what i need to do to get myself happy, I guess if we are meant to be we will and if not, I,ll meet someone new and be even happier so it is a win win situation, smart huh!!!

My kids make me feel so much better. Knowing that she is going out tonight and I am at home with the kids makes me feel like I am th eparent I should be. I am not rushing out to meet someone new, i could but i,m just not interested right now, Even though i,m still sad i am trying to look at this as something fresh and something new. By the way she wasnt as attractive to me today as she was before, even though she looked great in a summer dress, i just picked up on her faults, maybe the winds are changing!

[michelangelo]

I don't think you should tolerate her crappy behavior.

 

Even if she is divorcing you you don't have to have her rub your face in it.

 

her going out on you is not endearing you to her. She is showing you contempt.

[REDRUM]

Things are gonna be real bad for you right now & it's hard...real hard. Maybe this will make you feel a little better to know your not alone.

 

I've been with my wife 9 yrs & we have a 5 yr old son. On NOV 28th she left me according to her because we argued too much. I moved to my Mom's house to give her the space she needed & it was horrible. I lost about 40lbs due to depression & stress. On top of this a week earlier we found out we would be having our 2nd child. A few months into the pregnancy we found out our little girl we were having had Turner's Syndrome. The rate of children with normal cases to make it to birth is about 1%. Our child had one of the worst cases they had seen & about a month later we lost her & had to deliver her.

 

On top of all of this I found out my wife was seeing her best friend whom is female & openly gay. 6 months later (about a week ago) she wanted me back & wanted more kids & all & doesn't think she ever fell out of love with my & yada yada yada... Then the next day it changed back the other way.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is don't give up, but DO NOT talk to her about your relationship AT ALL! Let it go & you never know what can happen. You CAN NOT control it, but by crying to her or begging her or anything else like that you WILL make it worse. My wife told everyone we were done 4ever & she came around. Just by everything she told me I know she still has it for me regardless if we're back together or not. Things can & WILL be up & down alot.

 

It might take a few months, but the pain won't be as bad after a while. Don't get me wrong it will still hurt just not as severe.

 

Keep your head up.

[michelangelo]

while she's moved on to socialize with other men.

 

It'll just totally mess up your head.

[mysticflea]

Well I know she has not left me because of someone else, believe it or not i actually know her well and she wouldnt do that. She is committed whilst she is committed if you know what i mean!!!!

I understand her wanting to go out, i really do, our marriage was pretty lame towards the end and She is just ready for a good time. I think the reason she is telling me this stuff is because she wants to let me know that she has no hope for us, and she wants me to move on. I accept that although its hard.

I am having a great time with my kids right now and am actually ready to just move on with my life. Today i feel positive, tonight around 11 when i know she is out dancing, ...we will see!!!!!! hehehe.

The thing is is i am dealing with this much better than a week ago. Not that i dont have my moments but i really think i am coming to terms with this pretty fast. I sometimes feel i am holding on beacuse of my kids and the thought of being a family unit, I miss that the most. I am trying to set them up with a nice room and i have painted it with jungle leaves and gorillas. They are very happy when they are with me and for now that is what matters to me most.

[mysticflea]

Ok so tell me if i,m reading too much into this, but I think she is trying to make me jealous. I know this coul djust be nastiness but it would be out of character for her, (maybe she is changing)? I went over to pick up the kids yesterday and she was wearing something pretty racy, Then she is calling me to tell me about her going out and meeting people, If it is an attempt to make me feel worse it is working. But i do think that if she just wanted out she wouldnt even bother, why would you apart from just to be mean. I dont think she would do that, I mean i didnt do anything wrong to her just we /she, fell out of love. It is strange to see her doing this, I have never experienced her in this way and it really isnt pretty, She might just push me away and end up thinking i will take this and do it again. But each day that goes by gets alittle easier and i am seeing her for what she truly is, and i tell you, right now , i dont like it.

[michelangelo]

I don't know why, but it is so obvious from what you write of her that she is expressing her rejection of you loud and clear.

[Ladyjane14]

I very much doubt that she's "showing you contempt" deliberately. I think it's more likely that she's very firm in her decision to end the marriage, and is trying to discourage you from persuing reconcilliation.

 

I have a friend who is likewise intent in her goal of divorce. In her case, there was infidelity on her STBXH's part as well as other problems. She stayed in it for two years before she made the decision to end the marriage. And honestly if she had been only looking at one major problem rather than a complex set of them, who knows?...they might have fixed it.

 

But after trying for the two years, she came to this decision after much thought and soul searching. She has not waivered since. And she has likewise expressed to me the desire to not show any chink in the armor. For her, it's just not there. She is already emotionally divorced.

 

I suspect a similar state of mind might be at work in your case. Your wife probably feels divorced.

 

It's your job to wake her up the fact that she isn't. But I'm at a bit of a loss as to how you might get around that 'already divorced' mindset.

 

Pushing won't help. I can't think of a case where it has. And I think that if you go NC with her...you'll likely be giving her what she wants.

 

I have a problem too with "dating" your own spouse as if you two were already single, but I can't discredit it completely as a possibility. In DesparateDad's case, where the wife is still 'on the fence'....I can definately see the merit of "dating" his spouse.

 

All in all....I think it's good to show your mate that you've addressed whatever problems that you brought to the marriage table in a way that is real and lasting. Much the way CryingCanuck has done. He went to counseling and resolved his stress issue, which was something that was his to take care of. He let his wife know that he'd ironed it out. Now the ball is back in her court.

 

You've heard mention of "Plan A", right? Well, alot of that is just proving to our mate that we've made the appropriate changes and that we really CAN be the kind of partner our spouse is going to be happy with. What I'm thinking for you at this point is that you might want to incorporate some 180's into it....but I don't want you to take my advice on that unless YOU think she'll respond to it. 180's can also give an emotionally divorced wife what she wants, which is to not be pushed. But the upside is that you take the bullseye off your forehead, so she can't blame you for pressuring her.

 

Think it over carefully, and consider only incorporate the ones that feel honest. This isn't a game afterall, and you don't want to be treating it like one. "Game-playing" is one of the most unattractive things that a guy can do...if you ask me.

 

But there's something also to be said for a guy who behaves with confidence. What kind of guy were you when the two of you were dating? Because THAT's the guy she agreed to marry.

 

Michele Weiner-Davis, re: DivorceBusting

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

[mysticflea]

Thankyou, you make some amazing points. You obviously know what i,m going through. I am doing exactly what you suggested, I am beginning to just be happy, even if i,m not. I feel that it is a new start, whether with her or without her. I am leaving it up to her, and for now she is certain that this is what she wants. I have stopped begging, stopped saying I love you, stopped asking her what she is doing and who she is with, and am actually becoming a little more positive as the days go by. I do love her, and she knows this, I have not hurt her in anyway and she knows this, I have stated my feelings on our marriage clearly and I feel good about what i have said. I have nothing more to say. I am being proactive in finding my own goals at the moment and the photos on the wall no longer make me cry, they bring back a happy memory that i once had, they are in the past and are not a picture of the future which is what i saw them as at first. Dont get me wrong i,m still hurting like hell, but I feel i am headed in the right direction and if she really loves me and wants to fix things, it will only be for that case "that she really loves me". I feel this is positive because if it doesnt work out, then I dont want somebody around that is just there because there is no better option.

And if things stay the same then i,m sure i will date again and have a relationship just as meeningful if not more so than this one.