Becoming Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 The VA is a nightmare of rules and regs that I swear are there to keep people from using the services. Yeah for free $$! And Tink thanks for the LOL on the helmet hair, knitted sweater and Baptist Convention image. :lmao: Help me, Jesus! :lmao:
Author blind_otter Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 I called my Dad to talk to him before he went to the VA today and he didn't know who I was I kept saying DAD? DAD! but he didn't remember me. He's really weak and out of it now. My mom keeps trying to keep me away from the house. She calls me, or drops stuff off at my house.
quankanne Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 her insurance was going to charge her $800 out of pocket/month to do the chemo at home, even though she would be administering it. WTF??!!! Even though she's a professional? They can't set it up as a home healthcare type of thingy? That is so typical insurance bull****, otter. I'm sorry your folks can't do this in a way that grants more ease of treatment. insurance pendejos ...
quankanne Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 maybe it's a good time to start your letter- and card-writing campaign to your pop ... he can read your words over and over, and at his leisure, without worry of trying to keep things straight when his mind's not on track. how are YOU doing today?
Author blind_otter Posted July 26, 2006 Author Posted July 26, 2006 Eh, I'm OK. I did yoga this morning for an hour and it cleared my head. Released some of the negative subconscious emotions in my tense muscles. I've lost weight because I don't eat a lot lately. I have no appetite, I just make myself eat something beacuse I get ligthheaded or crabby. The thing is, I feel like my Dad and me are bonded in this strange way. We can sit together and not say anything. The thing I worry about is dealing with the transition. I get anxious a lot, lately, thinking about how things will change when he passes. For the first time in 10 years I have insomnia again.
Becoming Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 He may not know you except for a few lucid moments here and there from here on out. It's all so sad, but it's about love with no thought for return from here on out. It's about helping your Mom out as much as she'll let you. He does know in another way that you're there. But he can't tell you that. And the bond is for real. Just you being there without all the fussing over him is so soothing. I wish we could just roll out a big LS caravan down there to be there for you at this time. :love:
quankanne Posted July 26, 2006 Posted July 26, 2006 The thing I worry about is dealing with the transition. I get anxious a lot, lately, thinking about how things will change when he passes. I won't lie – it was incredibly rough at the first, because I was so fixated on the fact that my mom (who is to me like your daddy is to you) wasn't here physically. As time passes, though, I sense her spirit – she's not here, but she's definitely with me. And when I hold that perspective, the loss isn't as painful. I've always felt that love survives anything, that even death cannot tear you apart from the one you love with all your heart. And I think that because you and your dad have that deep abiding love for each other, you're never really going to lose him ...
Author blind_otter Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 I started reading "On Death and Dying" by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross again. I got further than I thought I would. I kept starting to cry, and then getting through it. Grief is like labor pains, to me. It comes in waves, and at the peak of the wave the pain is intense and almost blinding, but it is not from a physical source. It is from my heart. And then it ebbs and fades away. i've been doing a lot of cleaning and yoga. My two best forms of therapy, in all the years I did therapy. I even cleaned out the garage yesterday. That took all day and I was drenched in sweat but it looks all clean and orderly. I even have dreams about cleaning, in my dreams everything is coated with thick layers of gray dust, and I wipe things off and get them to work again. I wrote my Dad a letter. Short, 2 pages, succinct. I promised him that I would do everything I could to live my life to honor his legacy. It is not a promise I take lightly. My life is the only thing I can give him to repay everything that he has given me. I will use all of my potential to make him proud of me, even after death.
Becoming Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 Ot, you are doing so well. I know it doesn't feel like that, but you aren't anesthetizing the pain. You're going with the ebb and flow of birth pangs. You're cleaning your life out to get ready for what's next that will fill the emptiness. Even your dreams are telling you this. And the metaphor of labor and birthing new life is fabulous. Dying, we are reborn. Your father into a larger existence, you into a new life of honor (as seen by your letter of promise). Your soul is being re-stored and wiped clean in the midst of dying. It hurts, but even in the midst of all this pain I see amazing healing going on. Continued prayers for you and yours . . .
alphamale Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 I wrote my Dad a letter. Short, 2 pages, succinct. I promised him that I would do everything I could to live my life to honor his legacy. Where is this letter? I want to read it.
Author blind_otter Posted July 28, 2006 Author Posted July 28, 2006 I gave it to my Dad. The second paragraph had the list I wrote earlier in this thread about what my dad taught me. The first paragraph was to this effect: "I love you, Dad. I respect you not only for the spectacular successes of your life, but also for the strength and perseverence that was required for you to overcome the remendous obstacles you have experienced." The last paragraph was simply, "I promise to dedicate my life to bringing honor to your legacy. It is a small gift, but my life is all that I can give you to repay you for what you have given to me." When I gave it to him we hugged for a long time after he read it. He told me that everything would be ok as long as I rolled with the punches because that's what it takes to get through a tough life. The hospice social worker was at the house today and she creeped me out. She looked and acted like a nosey nun. I went to catholic school so you can image how uncomfortable being around a nun like person made me feel.
Fun2BMe Posted July 28, 2006 Posted July 28, 2006 That is a wonderful thought to write a letter like that. It brings a sense of closure while he is still alive while communicating your feelings to him. I like that a lot. The hospice social worker was at the house today and she creeped me out. She looked and acted like a nosey nun. I went to catholic school so you can image how uncomfortable being around a nun like person made me feel. That's funny!
Author blind_otter Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Can grieving make you emotionally abusive to other people? Can I get so wrapped up in my feelings of duty to my family and my father that I ignore the needs of other people? And is that so wrong? I don't really care about attending to anyone else's needs but my family right now.
Author blind_otter Posted July 29, 2006 Author Posted July 29, 2006 Screw it. Sobriety isn't all it's cracked up to be. I want a ****ing drink. I don't care.
Outcast Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Don't do it, B-O. It won't help and it will disappoint your dad. Remember the promise you only just made him. In writing.
johan Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Neglect, in the form of attending to your own needs when those needs are particularly intense, does not equate to abuse. Friends and family should understand. If you feel unsure whether you're doing the right thing, a simple email would suffice. You could say "hey, I've been thinking about you. I'm going through a lot right now, and hope you understand it helps me to be just doing my own thing right now. Sooner or later I'll emerge from my nasty, ugly cocoon, like a beautiful butterfly, and I'll be flapping right over to see you. If it's a problem for you to give me some space, it won't surprise me, because you've proven to be quite shallow and insensitive. Not to mention selfish. But I still permit you to be my friend for some reason. See you soon!"
Outcast Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Where the heck is A_C. He'd say something truly useful here.
johan Posted July 29, 2006 Posted July 29, 2006 Screw it. Sobriety isn't all it's cracked up to be. I want a ****ing drink. I don't care. Bad move. You'll feel terrible afterwards. Don't do it, girl. Just take care of yourself and be strong. This will pass.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Screw it. Sobriety isn't all it's cracked up to be. I want a ****ing drink. I don't care. Babe, you better get that cute ass of yours back on here at some point tonight and let us know you're doing okay. Hope you went to an AA meeting tonight.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 Can grieving make you emotionally abusive to other people? Can I get so wrapped up in my feelings of duty to my family and my father that I ignore the needs of other people? And is that so wrong? I don't really care about attending to anyone else's needs but my family right now. There's nothing wrong with that. You can't and shouldn't be handling ANYBODY else's crap. Don't feel bad or guilty about that. Your priorities are straight, you're caring for your family and that is good! Anyone outside of the loop who is putting their crap on you and expecting you to be there for them, are idiots! They should be there for you, not the otherway around.
Becoming Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 You know you did this at other losses--anesthetized the pain. And that bender blitz went on for quite some time and ravaged you. You said you didn't want to do that again. I'm going to be out of town for the next couple weeks, but I am holding you in prayer, Ot. Don't let the darkness win.
quankanne Posted July 30, 2006 Posted July 30, 2006 When I gave it to him we hugged for a long time after he read it. He told me that everything would be ok as long as I rolled with the punches because that's what it takes to get through a tough life. he's a wise man ... and it sounds like he believes in you deeply enough to know that you're going to make it no matter how hard the situation at hand is. The hospice social worker was at the house today and she creeped me out. She looked and acted like a nosey nun. :laugh: Ruler or clicker?
Author blind_otter Posted July 31, 2006 Author Posted July 31, 2006 Well I didn't drink. I really really wanted to. But I made do with female gossip about bitches who style hair. Gossip seems to anesthatize in a fashion similar to cannabis. Yesterday I meditated and did yoga. I read a lot and sat outside. I didn't go visit my Dad but it's really hard, really hard for me. I find myself avoiding it. I went over there on Saturday and we actually had a good conversation, about the origins of Islamic fundamentalism and the different ways various countries handle immigration. It's tougher sometimes for me to come home after he has a good day like that. It makes me feeling this twinge like a muscle cramp, when I think about it. And how I won't have those conversations for much longer. But no, I didn't drink. I remembered my promise. I just really felt like it. It was a good thing for me to say it out loud instead of trying to ignore it.
Outcast Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 Well I didn't drink. I really really wanted to. Awesome, dude!
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2006 Posted July 31, 2006 But no, I didn't drink. I remembered my promise. I just really felt like it. It was a good thing for me to say it out loud instead of trying to ignore it. It's okay to say it, and feel it...Get it out when you feel that way. And, I'm happy you didn't reach for the bottle. Hugs babe.
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