Not married, but need .

[Ladyjane14]

Would you think that counseling would be a better option right now? It might be easier to understand each other if we had a third party translate for us.

 

I don't see any reason why counseling wouldn't be a good idea. It looks like your boyfriend really could use the help in putting his past behind him. He'll feel ALOT more confident in his choices when he's put the old baggage from his previous relationship away.

[catgirl1927]

Seriously, you need to think about you and and your baby as a family and just leave him out of it. Make the most of what you have and be happy. If you can. It's going to take all your strength, but I believe you can do it.

[Pink_Tulip]

Since there is a child involved, I would highly recommend counseling before leaving. If you two really love eachother, I am sure this can be worked out. You owe it to the child to try and keep his family together, IMO.

 

And for the record, I have two friends who got pregnant on the pill. One was in her second year of law school, very smart. Was put on antibiotics for strep, misunderstood the pharmicisit when he said use a second method until you are done with the cycle. She thought he meant cycle of antibiotics, he meant menstral cycle. Other friend had a timer on her watch so she knew to take the pill at the exact same time every day. Had decided she never wanted kids, was very diligent about taking her pill. Her son had a different idea. It happens.

[RecordProducer]

There are women with no children or children from previous marriages that WANT to marry their boyfriends. It has nothing to do with the child or tradition. Marriage means:

- two people have the intention to stay together forever (vs. "I am not ready to marry you", which means "I am not sure I will be with you tomorrow"). Naturally, she loves him and wants to know that he wants to stay by her side in the future;

- two people can create mutual financial security, i.e. a woman can be a SAHM if they both decide so; they can also plan their purchases such as home, cars, whatever together, not separately;

- the fear of what will be when you grow old can be replaced with actual plans and hopes that nothing will go wrong. The paper buys you (false, and possibly, distracting) peace of mind more than it does anything else.

 

However nowadays divorces are so common, it's not even "convenient"; it makes people get married easily with the thought that they can get easily divorced and marriages last shorter than the dating periods.

 

I think counseling is a pretty bad idea. It will dig out all the problems and remind your guy that you have them. I think digging out problems is good when people fight all the time and a third party needs to help them communicate their needs and correct their character flaws. The best way to make him marry you is to show him how GREAT your relationship is and give him some more time. Be good to yourself, make HIM propose to you. If he doesn't want to, you'll dump him WHEN YOU ARE READY!

 

 

Perhaps you could clarify your point.

[Lennox]

I think that women getting pregnant on "accident" is truly the exception to the rule and only proves the rule exists. You didn't have any unforseen circumstances that would have affected your ability to unknowingly get pregnant. Add the fact that your boyfriend is marriage shy and you were already with him for a year before the "accident" happened...

 

You wanted something special to share with him as his ex wife has...a child. One thing you have to realize is that marriage is something that takes a strong committment from both parties in order to work. There is no successful 50/50 marriage. It takes each partner 100% effort in order to make it work. You loving him is NOT good enough reason to marry or even try to suggest it to him when you know he clearly is not interested in it.

 

The best thing to do for yourself is to let go of the idea of marrying this guy. I think you sharing a child with him is going to be as good as it gets, and you have to decide whether you can settle for living like that or not.

 

Oh and make a visit to Planned Parenthood where they can get you REALLY effective birth control that will last for MONTHS after you finish taking it...like under the skin implants and shots. Combine that with at least two barrier methods, such as condoms and the Today sponge diligently and I can almost guarantee you that you will not have another "accident".

[littlekitty]

The OP's last question was:

 

So I have another question for you. Would you think that counseling would be a better option right now? It might be easier to understand each other if we had a third party translate for us. Please I posted here not to be questioned about where I am in life or the decisions that I have made. I posted here to hear your opinions on the subject of what I should NOW do.

 

Why don't you give it a shot at answering that?

[Lennox]

Actually I did answer her question. She came here with questions as to why her situation is the way it is and what she should do about it. Counseling is not going to MAKE the man love her enough to marry her. She should go if she wants, but it appears at this point she should go in order to learn how to better manage life as a single mother.

[magda]

OP, I don't think it will hurt to ask your boyfriend if he is willing to go to counseling. But whether his answer is yes or no, it might be best to plan on moving out. If he is willing to go (or suggests another option for making it work) then that will be a sign that he is willing to put some effort into fixing what has gone wrong. If not, well, I think that answers that. But you need to have an honest talk with him that doesn't turn into an argument and where you don't blame each other but merely decide "where do we go from here".

 

As far as marriage, well, that is awhile off. If you are having problems and you are not married, you need to address them before you think about marriage. That's only fair to yourself.

[Ashley]

Hello Posters...

 

Please stay on topic with the Original Poster. She came her looking for a little advice and all I have seen is tons of personal attacks towards her. Loveshack.org doesn't tolerate personal attacks. Before hijacking a thread, Please feel free to start a new topic with your thoughts. Thanks.