Update - not earth shattering

[fooled]

Fooled...good to see you posting...(Smile)...everytime I read your posts, I can see you making progress...you never seem to see it...but I certainly do.

 

;-Rio

 

Was my progress showing? How embarassing! I'll be sure to look next time before I leave the house.

[riobikini]

Fooled, -let it become a trend...you wear it well....Smile...

 

-Rio

[fooled]

Actually, I have been having a bout with sadness this week. And with the compulsion to contact her. I realized it is because I want to be able to just pick up the phone and fix the situation. I'm used to fixing things like that. It also explains a lot of my dreams, which all involve frustration: not being able to have her, being with her and not being able to get out of a situation, etc.

 

So, lots of sadness and anger.

 

And I realize I'm don't have strength. I have resolve. Resolve that weakens occasionally. True strength would be to really let go and believe I am better off. Do I believe I am better off? Yes. Do I feel it? No.

 

I am a naturally nostalgic person - so I tend to relive the moments with her. I hope that will stop sometime soon. I have effectively removed her from my life physically. I won't run into her unless it's totally random, like in a hardware store or something. And even that won't matter soon. I am being forced to move this year (building was sold and will be demolished) - so I also have to decide whether I want to stay in CA.

 

But she's still there in my head.

[hurtbeyondwords]

And I realize I'm don't have strength. I have resolve. Resolve that weakens occasionally. True strength would be to really let go and believe I am better off. Do I believe I am better off? Yes. Do I feel it? No.

 

This will only come with time. As much as Im learning to accept that she's gone, my heart does not want to give in. Our hearts always seem to have different agendas than our minds. I belive that if we take our minds to where we feel is right our hearts will eventually follow.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

There's someone out there better for us all.

 

I really wish this were true. But everytime I think I've found the one that is "better", I get hurt. And it's just happened too many times. Lately, I feel like I have no faith in the human race left. Like somehow I was put on this earth to suffer over and over again. I don't want to be self-defeating, but every time I try...every time I trust...it ends in disaster.

 

Fooled is going through a rough time. And it really is a shame that things like this happen to good people. At least he has the anger to keep him from sliding backwards...that will help him heal in time.

 

I can't seem to hold on to the anger. All I feel is heartache and longing.

 

Love sucks.

[riobikini]

Fooled...I identify with a large part of your post.

 

I am moving on -yes- but that's because time is moving me on.

 

There's this difference.

 

It's almost like you are pressured to move with the time, so you won't feel 'stuck' or left behind.

 

And I think, "Left behind? God, I can't be left behind!" So I just go along with the next arriving day.

 

I'm feeling better, -but I know that spring has something to do with that, -there's a kind of 'freshness' thing happening all around me with the tulips and trees blooming, -and it's exciting- so I credit some of the urge to move ahead to that.

 

Still, every little bit helps.

 

(Smile)

 

I do admit to not being able to totally extinguish the thoughts of him, nor predict when they will come, -they're random and quite unexpected, you see, but less and less, as the days go by.

 

I am choosing not to date right now, although there are nice people interested.

 

I do miss male companionship, -the kind of closeness two people share in an exclusive relationship, -the 'private' stuff.

 

But I'm still working through it....hey-it has to stop sometime, -right?

 

I'm hoping sooner than later.

 

Mainly, because I don't know what happens in situations like this when spring is all over and summer comes.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio