Training Your Spouse

[blind_otter]

It is not bad ...free will.

But you asked why would you be with someone you see as inferior?.. nothing to do with that.

 

This was my response because other posters besides you jumped down my throat for disagreeing.

[a4a]

I'm saying I can't lecture them into doing what I want. They don't understand what the words mean. That's what training means, to me - behavioral modification through cues that are not necessarily based on the verbal content of the communication.

 

That is true and some people you cannot lecture/nag either. You have to learn how to communicate with them in a way they understand......just like dogs, cats, horses, or even people that do not speak your language.

[a4a]

This was my response because other posters besides you jumped down my throat for disagreeing.

 

nobody jumped down your throat..... that is your perception..... some just disagreed with you as well. no biggie....

[blind_otter]

Well it's interesting to hear how other people choose to live. Regardless of whether I would do that or not.

[a4a]

Well it's interesting to hear how other people choose to live. Regardless of whether I would do that or not.

 

What makes one person happy may not suit all. But if it is working for them...... MORE POWER TO THEM. So I try to stay open to all ideas until I find one that suits me.

 

You can learn something new and useful every single day.

[blind_otter]

I'm not judging anyone, my choice to not engage in this type of behavior comes from my personal experience.

 

I tried training before, with my exH. I felt bad while I was doing it, as Curmudgeon mentions, very disingenuous. Based on my personal feelings about engaging in this, I stopped. I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.

 

And yes, I am a great supporter of learning something new every day. Mostly though I try to learn something fact based, rather than something based on anecdotal evidence.

[Touche]

He's been married to my mother over 35 years.

 

I'm not upset, it's not my theory. I'm inclined to believe someone who is older, calmer, wiser, and more experienced, who has lived on every continent on the planet.

 

Good for you. Don't believe me then. Keep doing what you're doing. I guess it must be working for ya.

 

So glad your father has been married successfully for that long. Guess his wife has him trained!

[blind_otter]

Good for you. Don't believe me then. Keep doing what you're doing. I guess it must be working for ya.

 

So glad your father has been married successfully for that long. Guess his wife has him trained!

 

My mother often laments the fact that my father is untrainable and has advised me to get involved with younger men for this very reason.

[a4a]

I tried training before, with my exH. I felt bad while I was doing it, as Curmudgeon mentions, very disingenuous. Based on my personal feelings about engaging in this, I stopped. I don't like how it makes me feel about myself.

 

.

 

I have spent the last few months feeling bad, but I finally got the response I wanted.... but through my half assed effort. I expected my H to just figure it out, take the first step, realize what I needed and wanted.... well that did not work. So I started "training" him to respond the way I desired. Fulfill my emotional needs (love that flowery crap).

 

I realized I was being just like one of my half assed riding students..... afraid to hurt the horse. Just expecting the horse to know what they wanted and getting angry and frustrated when it did not happen.

 

What if I hurt my H, he is too important, only a person who is cruel would force him to see what I need. Resented that he did not know.... how is that fair to him in the long run? It only detracts from what I can give to him. So guilt,anger, and fear stopped me initially from "training/teaching" him.

 

It was like me blaming him for not knowing........ that does not serve either party at all. He was unable to do this so I did.

 

 

I am training/teaching him to make our marriage better....... not to get a new diamond or car..... what can be more genuine than that...... to take the first step and responsibility to make your relationship better?

[Touche]

I find that premise disingenuous. It's not a matter of spouses "training" one another. It should be a matter of accomodating and enhancing one another. A true partnership and mutuality are what make a relationship work for the long-haul.

 

That's EXACTLY what it is! Accomodating and enhancing one another. BUT, you first have to find the right way to let your desired be known so that you can even accomodate/be accomadating and enhanced/be enhanced. And that's what we're talking about here. Training may not be the right word but no one has come up with a better one yet.

[Walk]

Interesting topic...

 

My bf asked me to train him. Which completely threw me for a loop, because I felt the same way as B_O. Seemed manipulative, cold, morally wrong...

 

I thought about it though, after talking with him in-depth about his meaning. Basically its the idea put forth earlier. That you reward those actions you wish to continue, and ignore the actions you dislike. If your partner wants to see you happy, he will work harder to continue the actions that get a positive response from you, and stop (slow) the actions that get no response.

 

As long as your working to make both partners happy, or use it to encourage growth, then there isn't anything wrong with it. Its when it's used selfishly at the expense of the other person that it's wrong. But if I need more hugs to feel loved, which in turn will make me feel more desire for sex, then it's a win-win situation. No manipulation there. Only good intent.

[Touche]

Excellen post Walk. You "got" it! Nothing scheming or disingenous in it at all. Very well stated.

[tanbark813]

A better, and probably more accurate, word to use would be conditioning. I've done it with gf's before.

[a4a]

A better, and probably more accurate, word to use would be conditioning. I've done it with gf's before.

 

Now come on Tan.... you are a "conditioning vetran" how'd it work out for you?

 

For some reason I am guessing you got what you wanted on fair terms.

[alphamale]

A better, and probably more accurate, word to use would be conditioning. I've done it with gf's before.

Like what? Pavlov's dogs and the meat powder? Do you condition them to deep throat and then swallow?

[Touche]

Like what? Pavlov's dogs and the meat powder? Do you condition them to deep throat and then swallow?

 

Uh..yes, see that's an excellent example of MEN conditioning WOMEN! You think women came up with that idea? I think NOT!

[tanbark813]

Now come on Tan.... you are a "conditioning vetran" how'd it work out for you?

 

For some reason I am guessing you got what you wanted on fair terms.

 

It is effective but the approach is definitely important like Touche said. Conditioning via negative reinforcement is more likely to create resentment in the other person and they may eventually rebel in certain ways (arguably the most drastic being cheating). Positive reinforcement tends to be more effective. And some people are more susceptible to it than others.

 

I think the conditionee's interest in, and value of, the relationship is critical as well. If the other person is really into you and wants to be with you, they are going to be much easier to condition than if they had one foot out the door keeping an eye out for someone else.

[a4a]

It is effective but the approach is definitely important like Touche said. Conditioning via negative reinforcement is more likely to create resentment in the other person and they may eventually rebel in certain ways (arguably the most drastic being cheating). Positive reinforcement tends to be more effective. And some people are more susceptible to it than others.

 

I think the conditionee's interest in, and value of, the relationship is critical as well. If the other person is really into you and wants to be with you, they are going to be much easier to condition than if they had one foot out the door keeping an eye out for someone else.

 

here here!

[blind_otter]

It is effective but the approach is definitely important like Touche said. Conditioning via negative reinforcement is more likely to create resentment in the other person and they may eventually rebel in certain ways (arguably the most drastic being cheating). Positive reinforcement tends to be more effective. And some people are more susceptible to it than others.

 

I think the conditionee's interest in, and value of, the relationship is critical as well. If the other person is really into you and wants to be with you, they are going to be much easier to condition than if they had one foot out the door keeping an eye out for someone else.

 

So are there any published success rates? Is there a methodology you apply?

 

Do you inform the indivudals you train that you are doing so? Do they do so willingly?

 

What are your personal success rates?

 

I get frustratated with this anecdotal evidence. Sure, it may work for you, but if there's no methodology, whose to say it will work for others?

[a4a]

So are there any published success rates? Is there a methodology you apply?

 

Do you inform the indivudals you train that you are doing so? Do they do so willingly?

 

What are your personal success rates?

 

I get frustratated with this anecdotal evidence. Sure, it may work for you, but if there's no methodology, whose to say it will work for others?

 

Judging from the big smile in his avatar he is successful often

Makes you wonder what is really going on in the lower portion of that picture

 

Who would dare to publish such a thing LMAO! It may offend people

It works for Touche, for Tan, for me, for Walk..... I believe Bab is working on it in a sort of way.

[Touche]

So are there any published success rates? Is there a methodology you apply?

 

Do you inform the indivudals you train that you are doing so? Do they do so willingly?

 

What are your personal success rates?

 

I get frustratated with this anecdotal evidence. Sure, it may work for you, but if there's no methodology, whose to say it will work for others?

 

Well it works for me and if you don't try then you don't succeed. Do you wait for "evidence" and proof on everything you do in life? I don't. I try for myself. I don't inform my H per se that I'm doing it. It's just my communication style. Do you say to your b/f "I'm now going to ask you something in a certain tone of voice that I think will get my desired results" Uh..NO! You just DO IT! Why would I need to tell him?

 

Personal success rate is EXCELLENT evidenced by the fact that I"m happily married for over a decade. We usually both get what we want from each other. Not always of course...no one gets that..but close enough.

 

Why do you say there's no "methodology?" I have a method.

[tanbark813]

So are there any published success rates? Is there a methodology you apply?

 

Do you inform the indivudals you train that you are doing so? Do they do so willingly?

 

What are your personal success rates?

 

I get frustratated with this anecdotal evidence. Sure, it may work for you, but if there's no methodology, whose to say it will work for others?

 

I don't have any published or privately written documentation on the matter.

 

I don't inform the other person that I'm going to condition them, but one could argue that it's an accepted risk of being in a relationship.

 

The simplest method is just ignore behaviors you don't like and reward those you do. Or even ignore the person when they're engaged in a behavior you don't like. If ignoring the behavior doesn't work then just address it directly.

 

Every time my gf offers to pay for dinner for us, or cleans up my stuff or something, I make sure to thank her for it. She came to my apartment door a couple times while on the phone. I addressed it and made it clear I thought that was rude and it doesn't happen anymore.

 

Another example relates to my last post about phone conversation etiquette. She'll still cut me off in sentences sometimes but now I'll either just keep talking for wait for a minute and then start back up with "Like I was saying..." She's getting better at not interrupting now.

 

It goes both ways though. She has said that she likes to be babied when she's upset, so I make more of an effort to do that.

[blind_otter]

Well it works for me and if you don't try then you don't succeed. Do you wait for "evidence" and proof on everything you do in life? I don't. I try for myself. I don't inform my H per se that I'm doing it. It's just my communication style. Do you say to your b/f "I'm now going to ask you something in a certain tone of voice that I think will get my desired results" Uh..NO! You just DO IT! Why would I need to tell him?

 

 

Unfortunately I have to because I have PTSD and I have weird reactions to seemingly innocuous things. That's the way I get along relatively well, now, thanks to counselling, prior to this I was not functional. I don't have normal emotional reactions to most things, so I always have to stop and think before I try to interact based on emotions.

 

It makes things difficult, for me, so to add this kind of pre-meditated interpersonal interaction into the mix would just make me exhausted.

 

I think, anyways, based on what you guys have described.

 

I DO actually have to say things, like "I'm now going to ask you something in a certain tone of voice".

[a4a]

I think, anyways, based on what you guys have described.

 

I DO actually have to say things, like "I'm now going to ask you something in a certain tone of voice".

 

?????????????

[blind_otter]

?????????????

 

read post i was replying to.

 

I don't want to go on and on about my issues on your thread. Suffice it to say I have "special needs" in relationships because of the PTSD, I have had to have coaching from my therapist regarding how to behave appropriately, and this was not in my lessons.