Vertex Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 This conversation took place after another conversation where she pretty much initiated a breakup and we were thus apart. Her: i'm just sad. i want you to know that i care Me: sorry but i can't believe that Her: that i care? Her: i know you can't Her: i'm just worried Me: about what Her: about you taking care of yourself Me: who knows. Me: it just upsets me to know Her: to know? Me: that yesterday you can be told you are loved Me: and the very next, be told it isn't worth saving or continuing Her: loving you isn't the same as loving the relationship Me: they are Her: no, they're not Me: if you loved me Me: you would be willing to keep the relationship Me: otherwise i am no longer loved romantically Me: but as something lesser Her: I still love you, but the way the relationship works isn't right Her: maybe you're right Her: i love the feeling when we are together, i love the memory of all the things we had and i love the idea of you Her: but i don't love the way you act during the relationship Me: what do you mean Her: i don't even know Her: i'm confused Me: why Her: i can't tell you why i'm confused. that's the condition of being confused Her: it's the very essence of confusion Me: please answer oyr phone Her: it's not even in this room Her: i'm next to my mom Me: well you know you're confused Me: and what you're confused about Me: but it is between a difference of choice Me: so, what confuses you Her: whether i love you Me: all i know is Her: if i lovved you i'd still be with you Her: i know that is your logic Me: no Her: but that's not how i feel Me: not what I want to say Her: ok what Me: i dont know Her: you just said Her: "all you know is.." Her: i'm sorry i interrupted Her: finish Me: idk, i guess i dont know anything to be honest Me: i thought i knew things but i guess i didnt Her: confusion Her: like i said Me: well. Me: it doesn't matter, you've made it clear you don't want to be with me Me: i refuse to believe you can be happy with me in person and suddenly feel otherwise. i know you love me and i know the relationship is good in person, but it just gets difficult with the distance and i don't deal with it correctly, and i don't give you enough space. i think this is my error. Her: you have a point Her: but the distance isn't going to change Me: no, but it's the way i deal with it Her: but you're still going to deal with it the same way Her: you're too clingy Me: well at one point i wasn't clingy enough Her: when? Me: and i think i went the other way too far Me: well at one point i had said i think i am clingy Me: and you had said no, i like being clung to Me: but that was a while back and i think i took it too far Me: and that when we are apart, i have failed to leave you with your space Me: and as a result it makes your mood bad and this is what causes you to feel the way you do Her: yea Her: and it just makes me want to pull away Me: right Her: i feel suffocated Me: yeah Me: i know Her: i need some space Me: it's just that Me: i know i love you and care for you, but when we are apart, i was unable to understand that people do need space Me: and i was being too demanding with your time Me: and it led me to make irrational claims like the ramiro/lee stuff Me: but i realize i was probably just suffocating you and as a result you pulled away and led me to keep pursuing which you didnt need Me: and i think what i should be doing is letting you have that time to yourself Me: instead of being offended otherwise Me: because otherwise you pull away and feel too clung Me: anyways this is my understanding of things Her: right Me: i don't know how accurate i am Me: but it's my realization Her: but now it's too late to just loosen up Me: well, i don't think it is, but i can't change what you think Me: it's easy to change things when you understand them Me: this was something i failed to understand before Me: and for this i think it isn't too late, but if you do not feel that way, then that is what you feel Her: i just feel like i need a huge breath of air Her: and i need to be by myself for a while in order to have it Me: i know Me: yeah Her: you made me dislike relationships in general Me: and i am sorry for that Her: don't be Her: i know you clung because you love me Me: but you must understand Me: that cling led to a pull away which led to more cling Me: and i think that cycle is what was doing it Her: but can you stop the cycle? Me: i think it can be stopped, yes Her: the cycle led me to just not want any relationship though Me: i know that Her: i just need some time alone Me: i understand Her: ok Me: i did not understand what i was doing before this morning Me: but now i feel like it's all so obvious, Me: and i can give you your space Her: heh Me: i just don't want it to end like that Her: so what do you want Me: sigh Me: it doesn't really matter Me: i dont want to breakup, that's all Me: i think space is totally possible Her: but i want space that a relationship can't give Her: it's a psychological thing Me: what do you mean Her: the feeling of not having to worry about anyone but myself Me: but you don't need to worry about me Her: finding things that make me happy Her: i'd have to worry about making you a priority Me: no Her: calling yoou Her: and i don't want anyone to be a priority except me Her: that's the kind of space i want Me: weren't you happy with me last weekend though? going out to eat, tea, snuggling together, kissing, hell even the rabbit lol, watching movies together... none of that made you happy in a relationship? Her: of course those things made me happy Her: but that only lasts as long as we are together Her: and we are apart more than we are together Her: when we are doing those things, we are in this fantasy land Me: o you don't think that happiness is worth the effort Her: and then real life sets in and i feel suffocated Her: stop Me: but it is real life and the suffocation is only from what i said earlier Her: everytime i have a complaint, you have an excuse Her: and i just don'tknow if you really had a revelation Her: or you're just making excuses Me: honestly it is a revelation... i'm not making excuses Her: but i just feel like i've been pushed to the edge and i'd rather jump and fly than take a step back Me: since when is it stepping back? Her: you're saying that you'll step back Her: so i'll have room to step back Her: imagine a cliff... Me: i am Me: well what i can tell you is certain things can be for certain if you step back with me Me: jump -- and you will not know if you even have wings, or how big the distance is. Her: you are still pushing me Me: how would i be pushing you Me: if i took a step back Her: right now Her: you are still forcing me to make a decision Her: i've already made one but you are still making it hard on me Her: you are still controlling me Me: i'm not forcing anything on you Her: i feel like you are still brainwashing me Me: no way Me: you want to break up with me -- i can't just take that willingly Me: but ok. Me: you can have your space. Me: sorry for pushing you Me: Have a nice life. Her: i don't know Her: I'm confused Her: give me some time to think Me: ok. goodnight. Her: good night If someone could PLEASE take the time to read this... I know it's a lot. What should I do? What is going on? I want to end my life... I don't know what to do.
Author Vertex Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 Please... I need another interpretation of things
Guest Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 NOBODY is worth ending your life for. NOBODY. Call a suicide hotline. Tell your parents or friends. See a psychiatrist. Read http://www.metanoia.org Today this feels like the worst possible thing ever. In a year, you'll have an entirely different perspective. I'm sorry she's made a choice that hurt you but that's her problem and her fault. Someone better than her is out there and now you are free to meet that person. Trust me on this.
tanbark813 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 First and foremost, if you feel suicidal then call a hotline for that. Don't kill yourself over some girl. Nobody is worth dying over. Secondly, you'll get better responses if you fill in the gaps with more detail like how old you guys are, how long you've been together, what kind of problems you've been having, etc... Anyway, that being said, it sounds like you guys are fairly young--late teens, early twenties--and are in a long distance relationship. If that's true, then I think you need to pay most attention to these lines: Her: you made me dislike relationships in general Her: but i want space that a relationship can't give Her: it's a psychological thing Her: the feeling of not having to worry about anyone but myself Her: and i don't want anyone to be a priority except me That's all you need to know right there. For whatever reasons, she wants to be single. It may or may not be directly related to you. If she's young and it's long distance then there's a good chance that there is someone else in the picture that she's thinking about being with but wants to keep you around just in case. Hence the "confusion" and putting the blame on you and claiming she needs space. It puts the focus on you and allows her to keep you on a string of uncertainty. One thing is for sure, though, you won't be able to convince her to stay with you by talking. Your best bet at this point is to give her the space she wants. BUT, don't have your contact with her be whenever she wants. You need to take control and and figure out what YOU want as well. You would be best not having any contact with her. Give her a real chance to miss you and have her single time. It will allow you to start getting over her and if, down the line, she realizes what she lost, she may get in contact with you. Go rent and watch Swingers.
johan Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Anything anyone writes won't be any clearer than the things she told you. That's the interpretation you need to go with. But I know you'll search for the hidden meanings that will give you some idea how to get her back. They aren't there. There are no hints. And knock it off the the "I want to end my life" bunk. From what I read it wouldn't surprise me if you told her the same thing. If you did, you should be ashamed. If you didn't, don't. It's manipulative and extremely small. She said you clung to her, pressured her, controlled her, brainwashed her, etc. You can't be in a relationship like that. You can't put that much on one person.
SuperMonk Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Dude, do yourself a favor and ignore her from now on and live a life.
Delectable Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 dude: You'll be happier with a girl that wants to be there...let this one go.
hooghie Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I pretty much agree with what the others said. I will only add that very often- women try to let the guy off easy to avoid feeling guilty themselves. I think she has already made the decision to leave you- maybe even had a little fling or recevied some male attention and enjoyed it. IMO she doesn't want to come off as the 'bad guy' so she is saying 'I still care' 'I'm confused' 'if you didn't do X I wouldn't have to do this' I would try to go NC with her and see what happens. Sorry this sucks for you right now...
Mary3 Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 It is clearly over for her. Please give her the space. The more you beg and plead the more she will pull back into never never land and be gone forever. Not saying she will come back. I think she wants other things in life. As far as feeling like you don't want to live....To think you would end your life for someone who is not even there for you anymore is such a waste of a precious human being such as yourself. Continuing thoughts of suicide need a 800 number to call. ASAP. I once felt like that but I pulled my self up ,. dusted myself off and I am alive and breathing. And so you are you. Keep your chin up and get help if you still feel like ending your life.
babbah Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 End your life? She's not worth it. Start new life without her. that is my advice... if you will end your life now, how will you ever find the right girl for you who will love you and take care of you with all her heart until the end. now, come and think of it....do you still wanna end your life... life is wonderful!
Delectable Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Vertex: I just remembered I read your earlier post about your relationship problems posted just on Thursday. Incorporating that context...I now know you just need to try and move on. NO CONTACT...it will be helpful for you AND her... I am talking about this post from just 6 days ago: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=739614#post739614 I'm so sorry you are hurting...you WILL be okay
Author Vertex Posted March 21, 2006 Author Posted March 21, 2006 It's just that I don't have a father anymore. My mother and I fight constantly because after his death, she became confused and started abandoning her life at home, which was understandable since they were married for like 25 years. But financial issues are hard on me, and school is just all the more stressful. I don't have many friends here at school either because I am either in class, working, or talking with my girlfriend (when I had her). I used to feel that no matter how hard my life was, I'd still have my girlfriend to make it worthwhile. However, now that even my own girlfriend is leaving me, I feel like I have nothing to live for. I don't have a real family, my school is expensive, work is hard, classes are becoming less of a priority, and I have no friends and no girlfriend. I don't know why it is worth going on with nothing in my life going right! It saddens me because we had such a GREAT weekend, telling each other I love you, and watching movies, going out to eat, kissing, having sex, drinking tea together, hanging out, playing games together, snuggling, etc. It was so much fun and I know she thinks so too, but it hurts me because the very next day she drops this on me. I mean I know I was clingy a bit but it was only out of love. I thought people in relationships loved calling each other/emailing/IMing/talking/etc, but I guess I was being too demanding of her time. However, I feel like I only understand that I was clingy now and that she is wanting to depart at the wrong time, now that I know what's wrong! I am giving her her space -- we have not talked since this conversation. But I have a feeling she will just want to stay friends and I don't know if I can accept that. I feel like I've always been so supportive to her as well as her feelings, being a good listener -- and I feel like just being her friend is letting her take me for granted as an emotional outlet while she's out f***ing someone else in a new relationship. That thought just kills me. I'm fine with the space for now... but I feel like I did nothing but love her. I looked through my address book in my phone and realized she's the only one that truly "knows" me, and I her. I have other friends from pre-college but I don't talk with them nearly as much, and I realized that I will no longer have that someone to be my emotional partner. I have nobody to talk to.
Skeered Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Sounds like you are a great, sensitive and caring guy...all wonderful traits..however something I noticed in what you just said is that without her you feel you have nothing. A common misconception in relationships is that you can't make it on your own without the other..actually you should be totally self reliant before being in a relationship. You are clingy because you need that extra comfort and support from a GF...nothing wrong with that..but you need security in you first. It's a lot of pressure to place on another person to have to fill that void. First and foremost you must be strong in yourself...live for you and realize that you need to be happy and love you before you can totally love someone else, without the pressure of them filling a hole in you...does that make sense. As others have said...NO ONE is worth hurting or killing yourself over...if you feel that strongly seek professional help...you will get through this and you become stronger and the next relationship you can bring things you have learned from this one...life is a bunch of lessons.
GiveAndTake Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 I don't have many friends here at school either because I am either in class, working, or talking with my girlfriend (when I had her) This was your first mistake. Having a girlfriend as your ONLY relationship. Relationships end every day and you need to have friends as well. I've learned from the past that I stayed with boyfriends so much longer than I should have because I had nobody else. I spent every waking moment with them and alienated myself from everyone else. Then through therapy, I learned to start building friendships. Good friendships. I did that. And now, I am SO not clingy to a boyfriend. I KNOW if it ends, I have people to hang with/lean on. It makes you healthier to have many relationships. It helps you set standards for who is allowed in your life and what you will put up with in your life. If you only have liver and onions to eat, that's ALL you will eat. And you'll probably start believing it's OK. (feel free to replace with whatever food you dislike) My advice would be to start building a circle of friends. And, it WILL get better whether you stay with her or not.
noclobber Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 Hi Vertex, I can perfectly empathize with you, your feelings and emotions, because just 2 weeks back I was very much in the same situation as you are in now. I "felt" devastated by a girl's rejection and I found it difficult to manage b'cos of other things (addiction) going on in my life. You can see my thread here. I say "felt" because that's the truth. I only felt that life was not worth living anymore but that was not the reality or the truth. You only "feel" like committing suicide but you cannot rationalize your decision. When you do you will know that its not worth taking your life for a girl. Trust me, this is only a temporary feeling!!! I can bet a lot on that. If it will help keep posting here on LS, that will divert your mind from the negative thoughts. But if it becomes unbearable you need to call the hotline. I read your entire transcript and it looks like the best thing for you to do now is give yourself and your girl some space. She mentions suffocation, I guess you smothered her with your love. Not exactly wrong but even too much of a good thing tends to produce unwanted results. You will need to balance your life - start with yourself, try to be happy all by yourself without the need for a girlfriend, make new friends, develop some hobbies, hit the gym and exercise, go watch a movie, read interesting books, listen to some good music.... whatever you like. In a nutshell do anything that doesn't involve or needs a girlfriend. Once you strike a balance and find joy within yourself you will be a different person. And the energy and confidence that you radiate will attract a woman that will be there with you - not just during "fantasy times" but also in times of difficulty!
hooghie Posted March 21, 2006 Posted March 21, 2006 use this opportunity to meet more people at school- make new friends and explore all that school and this part of your life has to offer. Really, it's a great experience and you should maximize on it. Having an LDR girlfriend probably really limited your experience.
Author Vertex Posted March 22, 2006 Author Posted March 22, 2006 Girlfriend: I never said I didn't make mistakes either. I'm sorry Girlfriend: i'll leave you alone I guess Me: I hope you enjoy your freedom. Girlfriend: why do you want me to hate you Me: That's the last thing I want. You should realize that by now. If you think those are my intentions they are misguided. Girlfriend: but the way you are acting now Girlfriend: you're only pushing me away now Girlfriend: but ok, I am being insensitive Girlfriend: you need your space, I'll leave you alone, I promise Me: I am pushing you away now? Girlfriend: yea Me: You desired space and I am giving it to you. Girlfriend: space is not the same as jerky comments Girlfriend: this conversation isn't helping Girlfriend: i'm sorry Me: Well I am sorry if I am a little upset over being dumped. Girlfriend: i know that Girlfriend: that's why i was trying to say something nice Girlfriend: but it was a stupid move on my part Me: Nice? Girlfriend: that i miss you, it was true Girlfriend: forget it! i'm sorry i started this Girlfriend: i need to stay away Girlfriend: sorry sorry sorry Me: "I miss you" on the day after you break up with me is not nice. Me: It's indecisive and misleading Girlfriend: i realize that now Girlfriend: it was irrational Girlfriend: i just wanted you to know that i still cared, that it doesn't erase everything i've felt about you Me: You've strayed from me without ever telling me a direct reason. Girlfriend: strayed? Me: And you let me know all this at the end Me: I feel as if instead of proper communication Me: There was a lot of guesswork Me: So yes, when I am told I am loved and then dumped the very next day Me: Yeah I am entitled to be mad. Girlfriend: sure you are Girlfriend: have i still not given you sufficient reason? Me: Not at all Girlfriend: i was passive aggressive Me: I know Me: I spoke with a counselor today, about everything Me: My father, my life, my love life Me: Things are a lot clearer to me now Girlfriend: that's good Girlfriend: i'm glad you got help Girlfriend: i just thought that the way i was treating you wasn't really fair Me: It wasn't. Girlfriend: for a while now i've felt as if we weren't reallly working out Girlfriend: because of those fights we had Me: Well Me: The thing is Me: In a relationship, when there are issues, if you love and care for that person enough Girlfriend: and i wasn't lying about anything...i spoke what i felt at the time Me: There should be enough communication to figure it out Me: and remedy it Girlfriend: it's just that what i felt changed from time to time Girlfriend: we did communicate Me: But instead it resulted in a lot of offended results in our case Girlfriend: we talked and we fought Girlfriend: there was a lot of talking Girlfriend: and i always found a reason and then we seemed to be better Girlfriend: but then it was cyclical Me: Well Me: For example Me: When I talked today about our last phone call Me: That is an example of something that was not talked about correctly Girlfriend: what? Me: The nature of such a phone call was hardly clingy or insecure Girlfriend: so you change your mind all the time too Me: What? Girlfriend: yesterday you swore it was clingy and you would back off Girlfriend: you only said that to keep me Girlfriend: you didn't even mean it Me: I do admit Me: I have had clingy elements Girlfriend: or maybe talking to this counselor made you realize everything is my fault Me: But I am not saying every time I've asked you about something it was due to that Me: Anyone in my position Me: Given the factors Me: Is justified enough to ask such a question in that position Girlfriend: what position have i put you in? Me: At that point, asking you about hong kong Me: it was probably likely in your mind Girlfriend: have i really given you reason to not trust me? Me: that you were thinking we wouldn't be together by then anyhow Me: At that point you had already given up Girlfriend: hong kong wasn't even certain!! Girlfriend: it was just an idea! Me: I know Girlfriend: like two years away Me: but it was the concept of the idea Girlfriend: you were worrying about nothing Me: Thing is Me: If it were indeed nothing Girlfriend: you are a worrier Me: it sohuld have been said in that manner Me: And instead of trying to work things through it became an offensive thing for us Me: Well Me: My worries were not unjustified Girlfriend: i never cheated on you Me: I know Me: But or example Girlfriend: i don't spend TONS of time with James Me: Hear me out Girlfriend: ok Me: When we had that conversation last week Me: About James and Ron Me: The James thing was silly, but from my perspective it was not an irrational question. You told me how it was and I accepted it Me: But then you brought up Ron and asked why I wasn't jealous, as if you expected me to react Me: And then told me he said "I'd still do you"? Girlfriend: because i would react if you said something like that Girlfriend: and i was telling the truth Girlfriend: he does say that, but I tell him I would never do him Me: Well what were you expecting from telling me that? Me: To give space? Girlfriend: i told you i'm passive aggressive! Girlfriend: goddamnit Me: I know that, but that isn't healthy Girlfriend: you're better off without me i am a horrible person Me: and it is a big factor Me: Please listen Me: That Ron thing Me: (not only do we know he is now single) Me: and that you are going to meet him Girlfriend: i just want friends Girlfriend: nobody is going to be in the city Me: but that and when you said i cant say i love you in the same way Me: and the hong kong thing (even if hypothetical) Me: was more than enough to warrant the question Girlfriend: i'm not doing hong kong to get away from you Me: and even if it was misguided Me: a simple answer would have been enough Girlfriend: those were independent decisions Me: but instead it was taken as insecurity on your part Me: I know that Girlfriend: i was cranky Girlfriend: you woke me up Me: I figured that had a big part of it too Me: I should have let you sleep Me: But the thing is, a decision like hong kong you must realize is big to a relationship Girlfriend: because what bothers me is that you never bring things up when we are together Girlfriend: there have been so many times in the past when you are upset with something i did or didn't do Me: When we were together though, I was content Girlfriend: and then you don't voice it Me: Last weekend was great for me Girlfriend: until later when you ignore me Me: I usually do voice it Girlfriend: but you doubted the i love you thing when i said it! Girlfriend: you ACCEPTED my i love you and then you doubt it later Me: It was mainly doubted with the hong kong thing Me: Because someone in a relationship making a decision like that Me: makes it questionable whether or not it was taken into account Me: you say you want space but we already have the distance Girlfriend: who cares about the hong kong thing! we've survived long distance Me: right Me: and so i know that somewhere Me: you were willing to put in that effort Me: to make things work Girlfriend: yes Girlfriend: i was Girlfriend: i am sometimes Girlfriend: i don't know (name) Girlfriend: i told you i am passive aggressive, it' snot like choose to be Girlfriend: i can't control it! Girlfriend: i am crazy Me: I understand that Me: Listen I had such a good talk earlier Me: Everything feels so clear to me, I don't know how to describe it Me: But I feel so great Girlfriend: what did you talk about Me: Everything Girlfriend: a stranger did for you what i never could Girlfriend: wonderful Me: no it was me getting help Me: I needed to talk to someone Girlfriend: i know that Girlfriend: and you needed it a long time ago Me: I needed an external perspective Girlfriend: where did you even find him/her Me: A friend from my writing seminar Me: referred me Me: but listen Me: you say you want space and alone time and that's fine Me: it would be selfish of me to expect you to stay Me: but, i also feel Girlfriend: i don't know what i want...i really really don't Me: that somewhere you would, later on in life Me: want someone rich, or attractive, or someone without my problems Girlfriend: i am that shallow to you? Me: No Me: But our last convo Me: you said my problems with my father got to you Me: I explained that my bad moods made me cranky at you Girlfriend: it wasn't what i signed up for Me: I know that Girlfriend: i know it's life Girlfriend: and it's not your fault Me: Which is why I said it would be selfish of me to expect you to do that Me: But I'm out of that now Me: and able to look back on it Girlfriend: you'll never be out of it Girlfriend: those things change you forever Me: Well no I will never have my father Me: but I think it's made me stronger now Girlfriend: you'll never be the (name) i originally fell in love with! Girlfriend: and that's not your fault Me: Doesn't mean the new (name) can't be better. you've changed too. people always change Girlfriend: and now i just feel like Girlfriend: i burden YOu with my s*** Me: you are not a burden to me Girlfriend: with my emotions my indecisiveness my stupidity Me: what i've always wanted, all my life Me: is to be loved Me: and i felt so great when i had that with you Girlfriend: and i can't give that to you the way you need Me: well Me: the thing is, it's a matter of maturity too Girlfriend: i'm not mature enough Girlfriend: i don't want to be that mature yet Me: Well that's your preference Girlfriend: i don't know Girlfriend: it was just easier to blame you Me: I know Girlfriend: for suffocating me, or for making me feel bad Me: Most of your words at me seem like defense mechanisms Girlfriend: i don't want to talk anymore Girlfriend: you're making me cry Me: I'm sorry. Girlfriend: i'm glad you are stronger now Girlfriend: i think you also realize that you are too good for me Me: Stronger, not happier Me: Well Me: you may say that Me: But really you just simply don't want to be with me anymore Me: for whatever reasons those may be Girlfriend: i can't lead you on Girlfriend: that's what i was doing part of the time Me: Well, you already have Girlfriend: i'm not wholly devoted Girlfriend: i can't half ass this Girlfriend: you deserve more Me: I dont know what I deserve Girlfriend: to be wholeheartedly loved Me: And what do you deserve then? Girlfriend: i almost puked at the gym today, i felt so sick after running so little, and i almost convinced myself that i was pregnant. i think i'm sick in the head Me: I already puked Girlfriend: really Me: but that's another story Girlfriend: tell me Me: that's ok Girlfriend: tell me Girlfriend: what did you puke from Girlfriend: you always one up me Me: stress? being upset? i dont know Me: i havent eaten yet Girlfriend: i thought you had ice cream Me: i did, sort of Me: there was ice cream donwstairs Girlfriend: is that what you puked up Me: (how did you know about the ice cream?) Me: yeah Girlfriend: away message Me: i took a bite and threw it away Me: i wasnt hungry Girlfriend: eat, please Me: I just don't have the appetite Girlfriend: don't make yourself sick Girlfriend: have some tea Me: I put that away Me: it reminds me of you too much Me: I feel bad drinking it Girlfriend: why? Me: It reminds me of drinking it with you Girlfriend: i want you to Me: and it makes me cry Me: and hurt inside Girlfriend: i'm sorry Girlfriend: it's just tea Girlfriend: use your new infusser Me: it's not that simple for me Girlfriend: i know Me: (I burned myself hardcore with that infuser though) Girlfriend: what?? Me: i'm not good with piping hot metals Girlfriend: why was it hot... Me: in the tea Girlfriend: put it in after you put water Me: yeah Me: it became hot Girlfriend: geez Me: Anyways Girlfriend: i have a huge scab on my leg Girlfriend: from that scratch Me: yeah Me: i figured Girlfriend: it loosk good Me: take a pic of it sometime maybe? O.o Girlfriend: i don't have my camera Me: but I want you to know Girlfriend: but it's a hot scab Girlfriend: yes? Me: I know you want your freedom and how it makes you feel Me: But we are not incompatible (and yes I figured out your Chinese) Me: It is just a matter of how we communicate Me: We did it incorrectly Girlfriend: it's more complicated than that Me: I know Me: But most of it was communication Girlfriend: i'm still confused Me: any way you slice it Girlfriend: enlighten me Girlfriend: what else did you make clear with your counselor Me: My dad Me: How I can view things better Me: And my mom Me: I called her Me: had a talk Me: she cried Girlfriend: and you're good now? Me: yes Girlfriend: why didi she cry Me: it was amazing Me: She was happy Girlfriend: why Me: I apologized for arguing with her Girlfriend: this counselor is like a miracle worker Me: told her how i felt about her Girlfriend: even the bad stuff? Me: that i was grateful for what she's given me despite dad dying Me: and that i am sorry for saying things to her out of anger Girlfriend: she's guilty of the same Me: I know Me: She apologized too Girlfriend: that's nice Me: But things there are better Me: and I don't feel hindered by my dad's death anymore Girlfriend: that's really good Me: It's like Me: a 50-ton weight Me: tossed off my lol Me: *me Girlfriend: you should eat Me: i'll eat later Me: my body doesn't want food right now Girlfriend: soon plz kthanx Me: but anyways Me: what i mean Me: is that if we had told each other issues when we felt them Me: instead of not bringing them up Me: things tend to be better Me: otherwise things build and go unsaid Girlfriend: i don't even know if i know issues when i feel them Girlfriend: i thought that we did talk periodically Me: well you do know when you feel something Me: and that is when you should say something Me: even if you dont know Me: sometimes just talking helps it come out Girlfriend: but now? even if i tried i can't untangle it all Me: a lot better than not Me: untangling some is better than untangling nothing Girlfriend: do you still have hope for us? Me: I'm a hopeless romantic dreamer, so I do. but i know it's foolish at this point Girlfriend: mm Girlfriend: i can't go back now Girlfriend: after i've hurt you this much Girlfriend: that would be more than passive aggressive Me: Up to you Me: I've always been a believer that anything can be talked through Me: But not everyone shares that view Me: But I feel like problems as relatively... idk, "not uncommon" as this, they are not unsolvable Me: But that's just me Girlfriend: what are our problems according to you Me: Mainly communication. Anything else can be described by it realy Girlfriend: elaborate i mean Me: I don't know Me: It's just something I understand now Me: I don't know if I can really explain it? I don't know if it would even matter Girlfriend: you cant explain it? Me: Like Me: Most of our problems come from a certain lack of talking Me: or rather the right talking Me: and it's really no surprise that it came to a bang like that Girlfriend: but i really thought we talked Me: There is a point where it's on eggshells and one mistake causes a chain reaction Girlfriend: what is the right talking?? Girlfriend: yea Me: Talking what we really mean Me: Not afraid to say things Girlfriend: i know it wasn't just what specifically happened, it was a last straw thing Girlfriend: that's so vague Me: Well Me: It really isn't in context Me: You'd need an example i guess to make it clear Me: but yeah last straw sort of thing Girlfriend: do you have an example? Girlfriend: i still don't know what you mean Me: Well for one Me: Saying you felt smothered Me: you should have said that Me: instead of suggesting other things that weren't so big Me: If that was the main problem Me: under that assumption alone Girlfriend: but i didn't know that was the main problem Girlfriend: i really didn't Me: I know, but it's how you felt Girlfriend: i know i acted more distanced Me: Right Girlfriend: but i didn't know i felt that Me: but realize Me: when you do that Me: you must know what it looks like from someone other than yourself Girlfriend: but i don't know why Girlfriend: you're trying to make it formulaic and simple Girlfriend: it's not Me: I don't know how to explain it to you other than saying what you feel Girlfriend: i don't understand myself Me: you dont have to understand it Me: you just need to say it Me: that's all Me: well it isn't formulaic and simple, no, but without it it's too complicated Girlfriend: what if what i feel is hurtful Me: and it's impossible to make any real rational decision Me: what do you mean Girlfriend: what if i what i feel is tempermental? Girlfriend: what if it's not permanent Me: What do you mean Girlfriend: i said waht i felt about the love thing Girlfriend: and then you used it against me later Girlfriend: when i didn't even feel it anymore Girlfriend: that's what happens Girlfriend: you are making this so idealistic Me: I don't understand what you mean Girlfriend: it's not that simple Girlfriend: when i said Me: love thing used later? Girlfriend: that i couldn't love you the same way Girlfriend: that's what i felt at the moment Girlfriend: when i was with you and i said i love you Girlfriend: i MEANT it Girlfriend: but then because of what i said earlier Girlfriend: you couldn't trust me anymore Me: How was I to be sure you meant it in a romantic way? Girlfriend: how do i know i didn't really mean that? or i only meant it in the moment? it comes back later to bite me in the ass Girlfriend: how am i supposed to say anything Girlfriend: if i'm not sure how permanent it is Me: look I'm not saying there will be no problems at all Me: Just a lot fewer of them Me: All this "I love you" stuff Me: in itself is an illogical web Me: a bunch of weird confusing problems i guess Girlfriend: i'm telling you Me: the whole "I dont mean that" "now I do" "now i guess i dont" etc Girlfriend: it's not so simple as saying what you feel Me: I know that. But it solves many things if you do it right Me: In our case a lot of things could have been fixed Girlfriend: you're viewing it as a magical solution to everything Me: no Me: that isn't the point of what I am saying Girlfriend: i just don't have the clarity you have i guess Me: If I had to say it in one sentence Me: Talking fixes small problems and prevents building up Me: Into eventual larger ones that spawn more problems Girlfriend: so where are we Girlfriend: already at the big ones? Girlfriend: what happens then Me: Well nothing, we're broken up Girlfriend: did we break up because of the big ones Me: We broke up over small ones Me: That are big over time Me: After things go unsaid or uncertain Girlfriend: but what happens when they are big Me: You figure out why they are big Me: and what is causing them Me: and figure out how to get at them Girlfriend: i still don't know Girlfriend: i can't figure it out Me: well if you had said you felt like i was being demanding or something, or that you felt overwhelmed by me, we could have said "ok maybe you just need space", and that backoff would lead to better things during the smaller times we'd talk (hell remember senior year lol), meaning more willingness to stay, less chance of getting upset over stress, less clinginess, more independence, less irrational claims/worries Girlfriend: you would have taken it the wrong way Me: well that's the thing Girlfriend: i said i wanted a break Me: you'd have to say what you feel Girlfriend: you threatened to break up Me: "i want more space, but dont take it as a breakup or anything like that, i still love you, i just feel a little smothered" Girlfriend: I would be offended Me: why Girlfriend: because nobody likes being told they are desperate Me: if you told me that i was smothering you and it was making you upset Me: and that i could back off without feeling like it was a breakup Me: it would have remained a small problem Me: i dont know how to explain it Me: multiplier effect i guess Girlfriend: haha Me: damn econ Girlfriend: yea Girlfriend: i guess Girlfriend: i guess i couldn't say it that clearly Girlfriend: my thoughts weren't that clear Me: mm Me: what;s on your mind then Girlfriend: i'm still confused Me: about what Girlfriend: i don't know what i want Me: what do you mean Girlfriend: i guess i got the space i wasn't even sure i wanted Girlfriend: at a huge price Girlfriend: but what can i do now? Girlfriend: i've made my bed and i have to lie in it Me: I don't know about you but I don't make my bed then lie in it Girlfriend: i do Girlfriend: naps Me: o true Me: anyhow you have your space now Girlfriend: i guess Girlfriend: i'm hungry Girlfriend: how can you not be Girlfriend: go eat please Me: im not hungry Girlfriend: find your favorite food Girlfriend: drink some lemonade Me: i just dont feel like it Girlfriend: ok Me: anyhow. goodnight Girlfriend: goodnight
Mary3 Posted March 22, 2006 Posted March 22, 2006 Me: what i've always wanted, all my life Me: is to be loved Me: and i felt so great when i had that with you Girlfriend: and i can't give that to you the way you need Me: well Me: the thing is, it's a matter of maturity too Girlfriend: i'm not mature enough Girlfriend: i don't want to be that mature yet Me: Well that's your preference Girlfriend: i don't know Girlfriend: it was just easier to blame you Me: I know ````````` Right there says it. You wanted love and she could not give you everything you needed to be happy because you were NOT happy when you met her and *needed* her to make you happy. Thus, you felt *complete* with her and now that shes not there you feel like you are not *whole*. The point being , you love yourself *first*, you bring no baggage into the relationship, you are emotionally stable when you enter it and in turn you want someone who is also similar to you : Available Emotionally , Has a Whole Happy Life and you are the icing on the cake, Not the Cake ! You both have to enter into the relationship just as above.: If either one of you is lacking, you take the other down. You took her down . She cannot carry the incredible amount of burden it takes to make you happy. She says that in her conversation.
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