My last chance -- I can't make a single mistake

Background info. I met my girlfriend during the summer before senior year of high school. Things went great, so perfect, and then my father died early in the year. It's caused a lot of problems for my family, and just recently my girlfriend drops this huge bomb on me.

I was getting a little upset that she was never actively chasing me anymore -- I felt like a low priority on her list because she would call and email friends but never to me anymore. When I brought this up, and out of anger said "We need a break, I feel so low-priority". And she agreed, and I had expected her instead to fight it and explain herself or something. But then I get hit with all these things.

Apparently my family death has caused a negative impact on how I treat her. She feels like sometimes my bad mood carries to her and makes her day bad, and she doesn't like dealing with my crap, but at the same time feels guilty for saying that since she thinks "If I were a good girlfriend I should be there for you." And I insisted that I can change -- I wasn't aware I was making your mood upset, but I don't have to keep pouring my crap onto you.

Then she said she felt we were too routine and boring -- she didn't feel dependent on my love or like she had to chase me; I was "too easy." When we first met we couldn't stand to be without each other and now she says that feeling is gone for her and she no longer loves me the same way that I love her. This made me start to cry on the phone -- and then she was crying saying that she wished she loved me and is sorry for hurting me, and said that we can try one more time. She just thought that we're too routine in the sense that when we meet up now, we either stay in her dorm room, watch movies, do sexual things, or eat dinner oncampus. Another part of her wants to be free such that she doesn't want to be tied down by a relationship, where she admits, "selfishly" (her words) that she wouldn't have to worry about someone else. She thinks that later in life, she can see herself content in a relationship when she has the control to have kids, a house, etc, but she thinks right now life sucks and college sucks and everything is so tedious.

She also says she wants me to be more aggressive... I've always been the "polite" type but she just wants me to tie her down and f*** her without even asking. I have no problem with this but deductive reasoning tells me that she also means aggressive emotionally, more decisive. How can I understand how to be aggressive? What are some examples? It wouldn't be me altering my personality articifically but rather utilizing a previously dormant characteristic that I have suppressed through conditioning. Regardless, I need help here.

So she agreed to give it another go... she basically wants that "new" feeling back and wants to feel loved. We've been dating for a little over 1.5 years. I am visiting her this weekend and I am so scared that it will be my last -- how do I not mess this up? What are some fun things to do? I can't make any mistakes -- would things like ice skating work? What else can I do? How can I be aggressive? How can I show that I truly love her? She admitted that perhaps her love for me is just "latent" and she just craves that new "spark feeling" where she can fall head over heels. I think the duration of our relationship, coupled with the distance between our colleges, has put a lot of strain on things and things just need to change for the better.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. I've fallen so hard for her and I planned so much of my life for her... nearly everything I wear was given to me by her, including my watch, backpack, cologne, etc. I even managed to land a really nice dorm room next year so we could have privacy, but now I feel like all this effort has been for naught if she is not happy deep down. I need to know what to do... I can't mess this up. We've both hurt each other, but I seem to be the more dependent one. I just feel so lost.

OP's post 6 days ago : My last chance -- I can't make a single mistake

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Background info. I met my girlfriend during the summer before senior year of high school. Things went great, so perfect, and then my father died early in the year. It's caused a lot of problems for my family, and just recently my girlfriend drops this huge bomb on me.

I was getting a little upset that she was never actively chasing me anymore -Women like to be chased. Men like to chase.Secure men at least...- I felt like a low priority on her list because she would call and email friends but never to me anymore. When I brought this up, and out of anger said "We need a break, I feel so low-priority". And she agreed, and I had expected her instead to fight it and explain herself or something. Why would she fight to stay with a needy clingy man ?But then I get hit with all these things.

Apparently my family death has caused a negative impact on how I treat her. My truest sympathy for your Loss.She feels like sometimes my bad mood carries to her and makes her day bad, and she doesn't like dealing with my crap, but at the same time feels guilty for saying that since she thinks "If I were a good girlfriend I should be there for you." But the question is : Did the loss cause you to be more clingy and needy or were you always wanting to be around her and not having your own interests and your own life ?And I insisted that I can change -- I wasn't aware I was making your mood upset, but I don't have to keep pouring my crap onto you.

Then she said she felt we were too routine and boring -- she didn't feel dependent on my love or like she had to chase me; I was "too easy."Easy means you make it too easy. She wants a challenging interesting guy who will say his beliefs and opinions instead of quietly complying and not having an opinion of his own. When we first met we couldn't stand to be without each other and now she says that feeling is gone for her and she no longer loves me the same way that I love her. You see what smothering clingy behaviour did ? This made me start to cry on the phone -- and then she was crying saying that she wished she loved me and is sorry for hurting me, and said that we can try one more time. She just thought that we're too routine in the sense that when we meet up now, we either stay in her dorm room, watch movies, do sexual things, or eat dinner oncampus.She wants more spontenaity, more fun, not the routine mundane life you are offering her. Another part of her wants to be free such that she doesn't want to be tied down by a relationship, where she admits, "selfishly"Its not selfish to want to be single . Its selfish for you to insist she stay with you if she is so very unhappy. (her words) that she wouldn't have to worry about someone else. She thinks that later in life, she can see herself content in a relationship when she has the control to have kids, a house, etc, but she thinks right now life sucks and college sucks and everything is so tedious.

She also says she wants me to be more aggressive... I've always been the "polite" type but she just wants me to tie her down and f*** her without even asking.She wants you to take the lead as a man and make sex more exciting . She wants you to take the lead in life and be more strong and assertive. Being passive and predictable is boring to her. I have no problem with this but deductive reasoning tells me that she also means aggressive emotionally, more decisive. How can I understand how to be aggressive? By telling her at that moment what you want. To react appropriately without fear when the situation arises. To tell her when something does not feel right or you have a concern. To be vocal and not just let things slide under the rug.What are some examples?Nobody likes a doormat personality. Its taken as a sign of weakness and is hard for someone to respect you. It wouldn't be me altering my personality articifically but rather utilizing a previously dormant characteristic that I have suppressed through conditioning. Regardless, I need help here.For your own good in your life you must adopt a stronger attitude. Try to reverse the situation and you had a whiney clingy girlfriend who let you make all the choices. How exciting would she be after awhile ? Before you go into a relationship you must be whole and complete inside and not depend on another to make you * complete *. They rather enhance the HAPPY guy you already are. And happy you must be and stable emotionally before you get involved with ANYONE.

So she agreed to give it another go... she basically wants that "new" feeling back and wants to feel loved. We've been dating for a little over 1.5 years. I am visiting her this weekend and I am so scared that it will be my last -- how do I not mess this up? What are some fun things to do? I can't make any mistakes --Thats your FIRST mistake thinking you are walking on egg shells and are terrified you will do something wrong. Be strong. Tell her and offer her suggestions on how to spend the day. You want her to go WOW he sure has changed. I really LIKE being around this man. would things like ice skating work? What else can I do? How can I be aggressive?NNOT aggressive but assertive. Aggressive people are rude and not pleasant to be around. Assertive people on the other hand know what they want and know how to ask for it. How can I show that I truly love her?She wants fire and spark. I hope you realize to have that spark you MUST always WORK at it ! She admitted that perhaps her love for me is just "latent" and she just craves that new "spark feeling" where she can fall head over heels. I think the duration of our relationship, coupled with the distance between our colleges, has put a lot of strain on things and things just need to change for the better.

I don't know what I'd do if I lost her. I've fallen so hard for her and I planned so much of my life for her... nearly everything I wear was given to me by her, including my watch, backpack, cologne, etc. I even managed to land a really nice dorm room next year so we could have privacy, BIG BIG Mistake to build your entire world around someone. What if that person leaves your life. You have to have a life of your OWN First !but now I feel like all this effort has been for naught if she is not happy deep down. I need to know what to do... I can't mess this up.You are going to project your desperation on her. Its a Death Blow if you do that. We've both hurt each other, but I seem to be the more dependent one.You are the more dependant one and you need to start reading and researching on how to become a stronger man. I just feel so lost.

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Last edited by Vertex : 16th March 2006 at 2:12 PM.

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