Author CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 Hey wait a minute alphamale that was my question, oh about ten posts ago..and I still haven't gotten a logical answer, ergo that's why I rephrase my recent question as asked why not be friends now...And NOW you, alphamale) hit the hammer on the nail...why do you want (Caliguy) would you still want to be friends if you don't want to practice that friendship now. Because I'm not ready for it right now. Maybe in the future I could be friends with her because we do share a lot of the same hobbies, but not right now. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I believe that this is the first time that we have agreed in a while. Well I'm hardly the same person that I used to be. We've gone in two different directions. Because I'm not ready for it right now. Maybe in the future I could be friends with her because we do share a lot of the same hobbies, but not right now. I'd put money on there being other people sharing your hobbies. You're better off finding them and forgetting about your ex. Maybe it's too soon for you to be able to accept that, you might just have a bit more healing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 These forums get so bitter! I don't understand people. If you loved someone deeply, and your break up was without malice or infidelity, why would you want to cut them out of your life forever and ever? If you can do that, then I don't think you ever loved them in the first place. I used to tell people something about my ex, over the years we were dating. I would say: I want him to either be the father of my children or the "uncle" they look forward to seeing when he comes to visit. I know reconciliation to a friendship will probably take years and years, and maybe we'll do nothing more than check in on each other every once in a while, but I think really loving someone means they always have a place in your life, again, providing there was no malice or deceit. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Well KittenMoon, I think the good majority of us that are here have been through malice and infidelity. Or both. And multiple times. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 These forums get so bitter! I don't understand people. welcome to real life KM... If you loved someone deeply, and your break up was without malice or infidelity, why would you want to cut them out of your life forever and ever? How many breakups are not due to malice or infidelity? 5%, maybe 10%?? If you can do that, then I don't think you ever loved them in the first place. thats total bullshyt...it can also mean you loved them so much that you can't deal with just being "friends"... but I think really loving someone means they always have a place in your life, thats a naive and idealistic viewpoint....every relationship ends eventually, it may be due to death, infidelity, breakup, blah blah blah.....no one is meant to be in your life forever. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Well KittenMoon, I think the good majority of us that are here have been through malice and infidelity. Or both. And multiple times. I can certainly see and that makes me so sad! One, for everyone that has to go through that. And two, because I'm terrified of the dating world if it's as full of cheaters and crazies and this forum makes it seem. It kinda makes me feel good that I experienced love that just fizzled. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I've been reading this thread as I have an interest in this NC thingy. I have commented on it in other threads... KittenMoon mentions *bitter*. I disagree with that. This isn't about being *bitter* - it IS about moving on with your life and putting yourself and your needs first... not going back to what was a failure. I do not understand why some people have the need to go back to an X for *friendship*. To me, that is regressive. Why not find a new partner AND perhaps find some new friends to boot? To those who decide to take the *friends* path: Why? Are you afraid of *truly* moving on? Are you not totally over your X? I agree with kitten chick's stance on this issue... Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I can certainly see and that makes me so sad! One, for everyone that has to go through that. And two, because I'm terrified of the dating world if it's as full of cheaters and crazies and this forum makes it seem. It kinda makes me feel good that I experienced love that just fizzled. So did I at your age. I never thought I would be in the place I am now nor did I expect to have the kind of experiences that I had. But that's reality. I don't think anyone wants to scare you or make you feel worse. If it's really having an impact on you then it might be best to focus some of your energies elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I do not believe I can be friends with my current ex because I am still in love with her. To that degree, I personally have kept the communication to LC and so has she. It's been all on the professional level. I'm sorry if what I say offends you, but for me. this is the saddest thing you've ever written. In effect you are still in love with this woman who has left you to even be with another man and you are willing to maintain LC with her. Because maybe in the future you will be able to be friends? Wow..to me that's like saying I will wait for her friendship because I have a limited view of what I can expect for myself. For me I learned from this exchange and I see that despite how much I may have loved my ex, I'm at a level where whatever set me back is not what I want in my future. Things "die" for a reason...to allow for the birth of something "new". Everyone makes a personal choice. Anyway I hope she'll appreciate your dedication. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 In effect you are still in love with this woman who has left you to even be with another man and you are willing to maintain LC with her. Because maybe in the future you will be able to be friends? Wow..to me that's like saying I will wait for her friendship because I have a limited view of what I can expect for myself. To me that's like saying "Hey, I know you kicked me in the balls already....why don't you kick me in the teeth now?" Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 KittenMoon mentions *bitter*. I disagree with that. This isn't about being *bitter* - it IS about moving on with your life and putting yourself and your needs first... not going back to what was a failure. I do not understand why some people have the need to go back to an X for *friendship*. To me, that is regressive. Why not find a new partner AND perhaps find some new friends to boot? To those who decide to take the *friends* path: Why? Are you afraid of *truly* moving on? Are you not totally over your X? Great Post SF.. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Great Post SF.. why is SF's post so great? WTF man! I've been saying this same shyt for 17 months on LS... i don't get any credit for that. Link to post Share on other sites
KittenMoon Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I disagree, this is unbelievably bitter. I know tons of relationships that have ended without malice or infidelity. I refuse to become angry about something I shouldn't be angry about. To simply say you will move on and never look back sounds to me like avoidance, and I feel that means far less will be learned in the long run. I refuse to completely avoid someone I loved intensely, replace it completely with anger and bitterness and disassociation from the time we spent together, because if I do, I have failed to be the person I want to be, which is the balanced culmination of all of my life's experiences, whether they were good or bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 I'm sorry if what I say offends you, but for me. this is the saddest thing you've ever written. In effect you are still in love with this woman who has left you to even be with another man and you are willing to maintain LC with her. Because maybe in the future you will be able to be friends? Wow..to me that's like saying I will wait for her friendship because I have a limited view of what I can expect for myself. For me I learned from this exchange and I see that despite how much I may have loved my ex, I'm at a level where whatever set me back is not what I want in my future. Things "die" for a reason...to allow for the birth of something "new". Everyone makes a personal choice. Anyway I hope she'll appreciate your dedication. Our LC is limited to business only. It's not like I am seeking her out to be my buddy for that is not the case. And no, I don't think you're offending me. I appreciate the kind comments. Complete NC works for some, for others it doesn't. That's why it's in the coping section because I believe some people are confused about NC/LC and when it is OK to talk to an ex. AM, did you go back to your ex? So didn't she kick you in the balls and now you're back with her? Wouldn't that make you a bit of a hypocrite? (No offense meant, I'm just pointing out what you say and what you do are a bit different). Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 why is SF's post so great? WTF man! I've been saying this same shyt for 17 months on LS... i don't get any credit for that. sorry Alpha.. SF put in all in one post and it was easier making the point in one post.. Alpha.. I do agree with your posts on this thread.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 I disagree, this is unbelievably bitter. I know tons of relationships that have ended without malice or infidelity. I refuse to become angry about something I shouldn't be angry about. To simply say you will move on and never look back sounds to me like avoidance, and I feel that means far less will be learned in the long run. I refuse to completely avoid someone I loved intensely, replace it completely with anger and bitterness and disassociation from the time we spent together, because if I do, I have failed to be the person I want to be, which is the balanced culmination of all of my life's experiences, whether they were good or bad. I agree. I would also like to add that if you remain bitter at an Ex all you are doing is holding on to hate and anger which will effect you negatively in the future. Part of letting go is forgiving them. You can not move on completely if you harbor anger and resentment at an ex. My ex did not treat me badly, she just didn't fall in love with me. I'm a firm believer in that you can't control who you love. You just do or you don't. And I do believe it takes two to tango in the game of love, so you can not lay the fault completely at the feet of your ex and completely absolve yourself of any responsibility. True, there are cases of infidelity and mistreatment and in those cases, I still think you need to forgive, forget (but do learn) and move on. Hanging on to anger and resentment is unhealthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I disagree, this is unbelievably bitter. I know tons of relationships that have ended without malice or infidelity. Go back an read Cali's orginal post from december before making comments like that... Link to post Share on other sites
In Sync Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I disagree, this is unbelievably bitter. I know tons of relationships that have ended without malice or infidelity. I refuse to become angry about something I shouldn't be angry about. To simply say you will move on and never look back sounds to me like avoidance, and I feel that means far less will be learned in the long run. I refuse to completely avoid someone I loved intensely, replace it completely with anger and bitterness and disassociation from the time we spent together, because if I do, I have failed to be the person I want to be, which is the balanced culmination of all of my life's experiences, whether they were good or bad. I've never written anywhere on this thread that one must avoid and replace NC with feelings of bitterness..has anyone written that on this thread? Who? In fact so ar many have made the distinction between relationship that end amiably that it's feasible to be friends. A point that you don't seem to get from an opposing viewpoint is when you have healed by practicing NC and move on you move on. WHy do you need to break NC to be friends with an ex? Does move on for you means replacing it with bitterness and anger..that's a deeper issue that has nothing to do with my point. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 You can not move on completely if you harbor anger and resentment at an ex. that is TOTAL BULLs***..... all you need to move on is to break the emotional attachment with that person. You can still have anger and some resentment and be fine. Remember all the kids who used to pick on you in school? Well you probably have some level of anger and resentment towards them but you've totally moved on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Well with all the heavyweights punching in this thread I'm not sure what I've actually learnt here at Loveshack. I'm not sure I actually see a point in having another relationship. Is it worth it? It all sounds pointless based on the outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I disagree, this is unbelievably bitter. I know tons of relationships that have ended without malice or infidelity. I refuse to become angry about something I shouldn't be angry about. To simply say you will move on and never look back sounds to me like avoidance, and I feel that means far less will be learned in the long run. I refuse to completely avoid someone I loved intensely, replace it completely with anger and bitterness and disassociation from the time we spent together, because if I do, I have failed to be the person I want to be, which is the balanced culmination of all of my life's experiences, whether they were good or bad. Why do you say it's bitter? Who mentioned anything about being angry? Look, just because someone has decided that NC is the best thing for them and moving on with their life and not looking back doesn't make them *angry* or *bitter*. Some of us can move on with a smile on our faces. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I'm not sure I actually see a point in having another relationship. Is it worth it? It all sounds pointless based on the outcomes. superb insight TL, I'm really looking fwd to your 12th post.... Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 I'm redefining NC. It actually stands for No Choice. Why else would you cut someone you care about out of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author CaliGuy Posted March 17, 2006 Author Share Posted March 17, 2006 that is TOTAL BULLs***..... all you need to move on is to break the emotional attachment with that person. You can still have anger and some resentment and be fine. You didn't answer the question, Alpha. Did you not go back to someone who kicked you in the balls? I believe you did. So are you saying "Do as I say, not as I do?" Remember all the kids who used to pick on you in school? Well you probably have some level of anger and resentment towards them but you've totally moved on with your life. Actually I don't. We were just stupid kids. I picked on kids, kids picked on me. That's just being a kid. And AC, yes I was angry in December. But, I am not anymore. I've had time to cool off. She broke a rule, I kicked her out. Neither of us are still angry and each other. And I have been in relationships that ended amicably. It's not rare. Link to post Share on other sites
TravelLight Posted March 17, 2006 Share Posted March 17, 2006 Many more pearls of wisdom to come Hey Alphamale, are you in a relationship now? Link to post Share on other sites
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