Husband calls me names

[max003]

leave him. he isnt making you happy and never will. the fact that he is blind to what he has done should tell you how much he cares about you.

[target-d]

I honestly think you're being silly about the name calling stuff. Putting a bad reference on his phone is NOT calling you names. Sticking his face in your face and calling you a b*tch is calling you names.

 

It seems to be that you are wanting to leave. Maybe you should take a good hard look at what you want and see if he is it. There must be some reason you married him in the first place, but if you can't find it and can't get back there, then get on out and let both of you get on with your lives.

[zoidberg]

The reaon to go to counseling is to find out why he had the affair in the first place, and for you, to help you deal with the hurt. He needs to accept the fact that his actions hurt you badly. Infidelity isn't the kind of mistake one can just forget about and move on. You have a right to deal with those feelings, and if he won't participate in the process, he's not participating in the marriage. A marriage with a non-participating spouse is no marriage at all. In other words, I would say counseling or divorce. Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

[SueBee3490]

Sticking his face in your face and calling you a b*tch is calling you names.

 

He has done that too.

 

 

It seems to be that you are wanting to leave. Maybe you should take a good hard look at what you want and see if he is it. There must be some reason you married him in the first place, but if you can't find it and can't get back there, then get on out and let both of you get on with your lives.

 

I married him because I was in love with him. But actually I was in love with a man that didn't exist - a man who was faithful a man who seemed to love me as much as I loved him. I will get on with my life and I've told him that if he ever were to date again to please not do to another woman what he did to me. To let her know if he wants to date other women - don't go sneaking around behind her back because he will hurt her badly. He just says he isn't going to date anymore (right!). I think he insinuates he's just going to screw around without first building a relationship, (i.e. prostitutes). I told him he is a real good role model for his 17 yr old daughter. He will show her exactly what he thinks of women by conducting his life like that.

[SueBee3490]

The reaon to go to counseling is to find out why he had the affair in the first place, and for you, to help you deal with the hurt. He needs to accept the fact that his actions hurt you badly. Infidelity isn't the kind of mistake one can just forget about and move on. You have a right to deal with those feelings, and if he won't participate in the process, he's not participating in the marriage. A marriage with a non-participating spouse is no marriage at all. In other words, I would say counseling or divorce. Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

 

That's what I've said to him, as far as he needs to go to counseling to see why he did it in the first place. He doesn't see it that way - he just keeps saying he won't cheat again period. I'm not so comfortable in believing that he can keep his word - he sure didn't before. I know that in other posts, there are times when the one who cheated has wondered whether to tell their SO about their cheating or to keep quiet. I would say from experience to tell the other before they find out. I found out he cheated, in fact he was still chatting with a few women online after we'd married when I found out. I think if he would have come to me and admitted what he had done, it would have made me feel that he knew he was wrong and wanted to "right his wrong". But he was willing to keep quiet and possibly by keeping quiet continue on with the cheating. He is like alot of cheaters in he's not sorry for what he's done, he's sorry he got caught.

[SueBee3490]

Okay an update on what's happened in this mess of a relationship.

 

Well yesterday my H decided around 9 or so that he needed to go get gas in his pickup for work the next day. I told him he could do that in the morning why go at night? Well he went and said he'd be back. I did call him once on his cell to inquire if I left a paper in his truck and to make sure he didn't get rid of it. He said yes it's there and everything seemed fine as far as him coming back home. Well some time went by so I called him to make sure he was ok and he had turned his cell off. Having went through so much crap, I didn't know what to think so I went to see where he was - by this time it was probably 10:30 or so. I found him at a bar and I blew up. I said what I needed to him and told him I was going home, I had to get up early.

 

I went home and went to bed when next thing I am awakened by my 17 yr old daughter asking me to tell him to turn down the tv in the living room (her bedroom is right next to the L.R. and she was trying to get to sleep for school). It was probably 1 am by now and I told him to turn down the tv. He mentioned something about it being his house and he could do what he wanted. I think all the stress of everything he has done just overwhelmed me and I started yelling all kinds of things at him. He's always putting my kids down and talking his up and I had just had it. Well he called me a b**ch more than once, he threw his plate of food and drink and was stomping around. My daughter told him to never call her mother that name again of which he then turned on her. He started telling her she was a b**ch too and I was truly scared he may hit her because he came back in and went towards her. She kept her ground though. He did cut our satellite wire, he bent the license plate on her car, he through our grill over. We have 2 cats which are my kids' and I have 2 geese (the geese only like me, he hates them). He said he was going to kill our animals. I told him if he did any more damage, I would call the police. He slept in his truck while my daughter and I basically stayed up the entire night. I was frightened for my kids' safety (my 12 yr old son was asleep at the time).

 

As more time goes by, the more I truly "hate" this man. How could I ever have fallen for his lies, etc? I know the calling me a b**ch was bad but to call my daughter one when all she was doing was defending me is truly going overboard.

 

I know this is so sad. Now my daughter is involved with his "screwed up" ways. I have to take her to get new contacts but I think I really need to talk to the kids today about leaving. I know my daughter wants to go and I'm sure my son will too. Just needed to vent. Thanks everyone.

[2sunny]

You are showing your children by your actions of staying with him that his actions and words are acceptable.

 

He is an abusive man. You need to make a plan and get away from him. Nobody should have to go through this. I am speaking from experience (unfortunately).

 

I put up with it for alot of years - infidelity as well = (

 

When I finally said NO MORE - and had the locks changed, moved money so we would have it etc. OUR boys stood there and said "we won't let Dad do this anymore." I realized then that I had not been hiding my situation and pain as much as I thought I was.

 

PLEASE, take action and be strong, you need to guard your life and your children, for your safety and well being.... good luck and keep posting...

[catgirl1927]

Yes, call the cops, get a restraining order, and MOVE away and don't tell him anything. And please take care of the animals. If he will kill those animals, he will kill you and your daughter. He is very dangerous and needs to be someone's girlfriend in jail so he can see how it feels to be the smaller one.

[jmargel]

This is a man that you cannot fix. The only person that can fix him is himself along with a counselor. The longer you stay with him, the longer you 'tolerate' his behavior which in turns just allows him to escalate it one step further as you can see in just the short time you've written these posts.

 

Find a safe place if you can't find one, call 911 and ask them for the number of any Domestic programs. Here in Pennslyvania it's called 'Women in transistion'. Nothing you did or said caused him to be this way. He will put all the blame on you at first. Only when he truly realizes what he's done will he take full responsibility and then make the right choices to better himself.

 

You will find someone worth being with and when you do you'll thank your lucky stars you left this guy. To him, you & your children have become 'his possession' which is a scary thought. It's time to move on, please do so this weekend. Contact the police when you do & let them know what's going on. Do it when he's not around.

[Blind Illusion]

You don't need this kind of lunacy in your life at all. Make plans to go as soon as you can.

[MrsHellFire]

SueBee, please be careful. Maybe it would be best to put your children in your parents (god willing) care for now. You don't have to tell them the true reason if you are uncomfortable. But this sounds like a possible future explosive situation. I wouldn't aggrivate the situation either by starting arguments etc, because it sounds like he will get violent. I think it's best to stay calm, play it quietly and get all your things together before the big jump out of that relationship. I would not tell him you are leaving either, because he might get violent!! Just be SAFE!

 

Cheating should be the least on your mind. It doesn't sound like a happy environment at all. Is this really what you want?? And why would you want to be treated so poorly with possible physical violence?

 

Please let us know you're alright...

[SueBee3490]

SueBee, please be careful. Maybe it would be best to put your children in your parents (god willing) care for now. You don't have to tell them the true reason if you are uncomfortable. But this sounds like a possible future explosive situation. I wouldn't aggrivate the situation either by starting arguments etc, because it sounds like he will get violent. I think it's best to stay calm, play it quietly and get all your things together before the big jump out of that relationship. I would not tell him you are leaving either, because he might get violent!! Just be SAFE!

 

Cheating should be the least on your mind. It doesn't sound like a happy environment at all. Is this really what you want?? And why would you want to be treated so poorly with possible physical violence?

 

Please let us know you're alright...

 

Thanks Mrs. Hellfire,

My parents have both passed away. I am the youngest of 5 (tho in my 40's now ) They died a month apart in '97 - both of cancer. So I can't leave my 2 with them. Since he had that blowup a week ago, he has been very nice to me and my kids. I told him that after that I didn't want him in the house alone with my daughter. She was scared of him and wouldn't stay home if she thought he was there and I wasn't. She seems better lately, she will acknowledge him and say a few words. I've told my 2 youngest that we will most likely move but it may take a few months for me to get things together. I haven't said anything to my oldest daughter as she is living on her own. They are happy that we would be moving back into town. We live in the country now and they would much rather live in town (even though the town is only 2,000 people - not like a big metropolis ).

 

I know that I am trying not to aggravate the situation or start any fights. I think I explained in my post that when he came home drunk and I just wasn't in the mood for him, I had to get up in the morning for work that I just let everything out and started yelling at him. I know that didn't help the situation but I think everything came spilling out. I just blew up though I never called him names or made any attempts at violence (such as throwing objects at him).

 

I really think he crossed the line when he yelled at my daughter and called her a b**ch. I have no respect for him anymore. I have tolerated him doing and saying things to me but when you mess with my kids, that's it. I think he is sorry for what he said to her but he makes no attempt to tell me that he needs counseling. He's a lost cause at this point.

[whichwayisup]

He said he was going to kill our animals. I told him if he did any more damage, I would call the police. He slept in his truck while my daughter and I basically stayed up the entire night. I was frightened for my kids' safety (my 12 yr old son was asleep at the time).

 

Take your kids, your animals and yourself OUT of that house NOW. Find a friend, family or a relative to stay with. Get a restraining order too. He is completely losing it and it's only a matter of time before he gets physical. He is SICK in the head and there isn't anything you can do to help him or fix him.

 

The house with him in it is NOT a safe place anymore. You MUST do this for your children.

 

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I couldn't imagine how horrible it feels to find out the man you thought you knew has turned into a monster.

[jonesgirly]

Hey SueBee

 

Here's a similar situation with my husband (scroll down to the Oct 30th entry - Drama,Drama,Drama): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=71417&page=3

 

You'll see you're not alone in this thinly-veiled warfare we call marriage. "Survival of the Fittest", as I like to refer to it - especially when you're with potentially abusive spouses.

 

My advice? Call the cops, NO.....call 911 the next time anything similar happens in your house. It is NOT worth "wishing you had", should something serious occur. Honestly, spending a night in jail may very well be quite the eye-opener for your spouse. People are not supposed to treat each with threatening actions and/or words. Especially people that are supposed to care for you. You may end up gaining some very deserved self-respect in the process.

 

P.S. You don't have to press charges........I didn't. But the cops wil come out and interview you, take pictures of any 'chaos' in your household, etc. Really - I hope you read my previous post!

[Noos]

Frtom your first post about the sitaution, I would have said you were overreacting and hounding him a bit so he was getting frustrated and angry, The B**ch thing was written out of anger.

However, the other episodes of violence, despite being aimed at things and not people, show that he can't deal with anger and may soon direct it physically at you.

 

He owes you a calm explanation about the cheating during your courtship - don't get angry or you won't get the explanation.

 

I really think a legal separation is required here though.

[Poconobob]

Just wondering what everyone thinks about this...

 

If anyone of you have read any of my prior posts, you may know that my H cheated on me when we were dating. I married him not knowing this and as far as I know he hasn't cheated since being married, but who knows since the trust is gone. Anyway, I've dealt with my heartache for years, been to counselors, talked and yelled at him, etc. just trying to get to the bottom of this. He will not go t a counselor because he says he is not cheating now so sees no reason to go. Anyway, I guess I'm just so beat down at trying to find answers when he won't give any as to the "whys" of his cheating that sometimes I call him on his cell and complain. I know this is no way to live and I don't know why I continue to do this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me. I'm trying to make him feel the pain I feel, when he never will.

 

Now, on Friday, he had a bit much to drink and we went up to bed. I think he got mad at something I did for my 12 yr old son and anyway we got into a fight. He stormed out and I thought was getting into his pickup so I called him on his cell. Well he didn't take his cell, it was in our bedroom and rang when I dialed so I hung up because the phone was there. He came back later and went to bed. The next morning I picked up his cell to see if my call was on there and to cancel it out when I saw that he had changed my name in his phonebook to "b**ch". I asked him why he did that and he apologized and said he was mad. He did change it back to my name. I really question someone that would go to that length as far as changing names on their cell phone and what he really feels for me. I know he has a temper but has never hit me. I guess our lives have spiraled down so far, that I'm not as upset as someone else might be. I know that no matter how mad and upset I was at him for cheating, I would not have gone to this length to put b***ard as his name in my phonebook.

 

Would any of you overlook being called names and think maybe you pushed the cheater that far that they would resort to calling you names? I know this sounds like a stupid question but I am thinking that he's tired of me questioning him all the time. I am not excusing his cheating, that was all his fault but I'm not "as" mad as I thought I would be at finding this out. Maybe because I've already left this marriage emotionally that his calling me names doesn't hurt as much even though I'm still sad and cry about every day. That may be depression - I just don't know.

 

Anyway thanks for listening.

 

 

My gf used to put in her x hubby's telephone number as Mike but when she was pissed, it would be heartsolemate... It was 99.9% to piss me off, nothimg more... I can't see any difference except he was a dic# for putting that on his phone.

 

bob